Emo Philips
@EmoPhilips
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Looming gigs: Dubuque, Cedar Rapids, Fort Myers, Kansas City; delve: https://t.co/KKOdmiH9H9
Joined June 2009
I like Twitter because it combines my two favorite forms of communication: texting, and throwing a note in a bottle out into the sea.
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next pandemic is it okay if we do science right off the bat.
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Please listen to Satan.
The Americans defying Palm Sunday quarantines: 'Satan's trying to keep us apart'
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no one on twitter has the right to complain about losing an hour.
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in retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic.
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evergreen tweet.
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But America’s far more populated; you need to multiply this by ten.
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what if that was some kid’s wish.
The former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa has been arrested on felony charges alleging she embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from the charity that supports sick children, the group confirmed Friday
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as if we needed more bad news.
Stegosaurus footprints found on Isle of Skye
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My favorite Judy Tenuta story: after a show, the comic who opened for her is driving her to their next gig; as they’re passing cornfields at 2 AM he asks, “So what did you think of my act” & she replies, “Ask me again when we get a bit closer to town” . I am so, so sad she’s gone.
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this must be because of our nostrils.
Wearing your mask below your nose leaves you vulnerable to COVID-19, UNC study finds
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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I'm on Twitter now I get it.
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Hadrian! HADRIAN!
Rare Roman boxing gloves found near Hadrian's Wall
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I can get them cheaper.
Children's rotting teeth costs hospitals £35 million a year, councils warn
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the vampire bat has a scary name but does much good, eating up to twice its weight in vampires every year.
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Why am I just hearing about this now?.
Milky Way's centre exploded 3.5 million years ago
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Probably the best time period to do so
25 trips to take in your lifetime
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it’s silly to believe an illness can stem from having sex with a demon, but just to be safe I’m giving it up anyway.
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no worries, we’ve proven our ability to tackle a crisis together.
A mega #comet — one so humongous, it was previously misidentified as a dwarf planet! — is approaching our solar system!. Read: 📸: NOIRLab/NSF/AURA/J. da Silva (Spaceengine). Thread! 👇
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but can it love.
Mini-heart grown in the lab can pump fluid just like the real thing
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so it’s NOT my imagination.
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now THAT’S a ted talk.
Killer whales explain the mystery of the menopause
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the spy balloon shows how far we’ve fallen behind china in steampunk technology.
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no man can run that fast.
Czech president injured while racing motorcycle
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it’s obvious the artist had never seen a real dragon.
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they'll never respond if we take that needy tone.
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why not just give it to goodwill.
camouflage painting that makes this piece of furniture disappear . 📹 Howard Lee.
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by doing what.
A 10-foot python sitting on a shelf surprised a shopper at an Australia supermarket.
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hardest baking recipe ever.
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. - Carl Sagan
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23rd Century Scientist: We're sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission. Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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this is an exciting time if you’re a large amount of money.
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how they keep those monkeys typing till they write hamlet.
Six tonnes of cocaine found in banana shipment
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we’ve solved our killer asteroid problem.
Amazon produced enough plastic packaging in 2021 to wrap the Earth more than 800 times in air pillows.
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You say that now.
Philosophical presentism is the view that neither the future nor the past exist, only the present.
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leap day has always been my favorite holiday, and not just because at sunset the animals get to talk.
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at least V times a day.
how often do you guys think about the roman empire.
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it's hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months.
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there goes half its value.
Archaeologists in Egypt opening an ancient coffin sealed 2,500 years ago.
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maybe it will come back.
‘Prodigal Son’ Canceled After Two Seasons at Fox
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Like I’ve been saying to everyone, for so many years: please wear a mask.
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to those who toil long, lonely hours without thanks, let alone remuneration, to colorize vintage photos & film: please stop.
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no one can survive a department store on top of them.
Hundreds of skeletons found beneath former department store in Pembrokeshire
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now’s our chance to escape.
Mars is closer to Earth this week than it will be for 15 years
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then why do they need to move over.
Move over birds and bees, there is another pollinator on planet Earth, and it lives in the sea
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it was cold on my side of the dolphin (credit: suzanne yankovic)
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And now it’s pure profit!.
It took Quebec until 2006 to pay off its debt from hosting the 1976 Summer Olympics.
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that will hurt the economy.
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So I can keep doing it then?.
❌ No, a man at the Capitol insurrection did not die of a heart attack after tasering himself in the testicles.
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You can make any snowy day more enjoyable by walking around without a hat and pretending you're on Game of Thrones.
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I propose a National Thoughts and Prayers Breakfast, where the food never arrives.
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great time to be a werewolf.
Earth to briefly gain second 'moon', scientists say
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I take back everything I’ve said.
This is how Jupiter protects Earth. It acts as a gatekeeper for our planet, preventing most asteroids from entering the inner orbits of the solar system.
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not far I bet.
Whales walked on land about 47 million years ago.
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so it's NOT my imagination.
The rotation of Earth’s inner core may be slowing down.
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don’t forget tonight to set your calendars forward a year.
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I kick off 2021, as I do every year, with my apology to this chimp.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I'm on Twitter now I get it.
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unfortunately, home satanic pregnancy tests are not always accurate.
“We command all satanic pregnancies to miscarry right now” — Special Adviser to the White House Faith and Opportunity Initiative Paula White
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I’m ecstatic to be touring with “Weird Al” in ‘22, o’er almost all o’ the U.S. & Canada; please kindly visit for clues.
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how are our pet dodos doing.
What would be the scariest message humanity could receive from outer space?
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of course it took ages: how many frogs visit museums.
The world's loneliest frog, living in a Bolivian museum, has found a mate after a long wait
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Benjamin Franklin: a republic, if you can keep it . 2020: it never actually touched the floor.
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got it.
The Pfizer-BioNTech COVID-19 vaccine elicits an adaptive humoral and poly-specific cellular immune response against epitopes conserved in a broad range of variants at well tolerated doses, according to a @Nature paper.
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I can’t think of a better day than this to wish you a Merry Christmas.
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more work, but you can taste the difference.
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe. - Carl Sagan
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Poll: I’d be perfectly fine with living in a dictatorship.
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with me it’s a pride thing.
Why produce your own bioluminescent glow if you can just steal it from another creature?
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crazy how fast photography progressed.
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heartfelt congratulations to all my billionaire friends.
Billionaires have made an absolute killing during the pandemic. The number is staggering.
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they started it.
The Milky Way is about to completely obliterate a neighbouring galaxy
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saw norway trending & reflected on how frightening that would’ve been 1200 years ago.
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Happy French Girl And Her Cat, 1959 to YOU!.
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this really hit home.
The flanking gadolinium ions are paramagnetic and can engage in magnetic exchange coupling, allowing them to stabilise the diradical’s triplet state.
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“oh how they mocked when I chose to specialize in upside-down horse rescuing”.
Horse, trapped upside down, couldn't be hoisted by helicopter. Specialist saves the day
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still kicking myself.
in retrospect, it was a mistake not being a billionaire before heading into this pandemic.
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a thank-you card.
If someone handed you $5M right now, what would be the first thing you would buy?.
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this might be the biggest story of 1724.
Astrology shown to be no better than random guessing
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so sad that it died while on vacation.
Fossil of the largest millipede that ever lived found on English beach
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it’s no use trying to cheer us up.
An asteroid the size of the Empire State Building has a slight chance of hitting Earth. Don’t worry. You’ll long be dead before that has any chance of happening. So will your children. Probably all of your grandchildren too.
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an easy way to know if you’re on the wrong side of the “separating children from their parents” debate: if you’re on the same side as fearsome figures from german folklore.
Under questioning from Sen. Booker, Judge Barrett refuses to answer whether separating children from their parents at the border is wrong. She says it's a matter of "hot political debate.".
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