Dr. Zhana Vrangalova, PhD
@DrZhana
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Sex & Relationships Doctor. Professor @NYU . New paradigm for customized love, ethical nonmonogamy & hotter monogamy. LoveSmarter™ = Live Happier. Join Waitlist:
New York, NY
Joined March 2013
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PSA: “Sex positive” is not a synonym for slutty or highly sexual. Sex positivity is about nonjudgmental embracing of sexual diversity; regardless of your own sexual desires or life choices. You can be slutty and sex negative. And you can be asexual and
#sexpositive
.
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Monogamy isn’t the problem. Undiscussed monogamy-by-default is.
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Guys, if you want to be able to share your FMF threesome fantasies with your girlfriend, you’ll have to find a way to deal with your girlfriend sharing their MFM threesome fantasies with you.
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Women everywhere tend to go for high-status men, but what defines "high-status" depends on the social context: Among Orthodox Jews in Israel, women show preference not for wealthy men (like their secular compatriots), but for ultra-pious men.
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We need to change the default relationship expectation from "We’ll never fuck anyone else again" to "We’ll probably want to fuck someone else at some point, so let’s talk about how we’re going to deal with that reality".
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Long-term monogamy really kills many women’s interest in s*x. Doesn't seem to affect men's drive that much.
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An "open relationship" is not a synonym (or an excuse) for a non-relationship. It's not casually dating or fucking around. It's a real, proper romantic relationship with all the coupley things couples do. Just w/ added CLEAR agreements about when & how you can fuck other people.
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PSA: No, guys, wanting to get pegged (anally penetrated) by a woman isn’t gay. Nor is your dick collaterally touching another guy’s dick during double penetration. Gay is being SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO men. (And there’s nothing wrong with it.)
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To everyone who is confused, ashamed or even freaked out about the type of porn they watch: there’s a difference between FANTASY and DESIRE. Just because you get off watching gangbang or lesbian porn, doesn’t necessarily mean you want to be in a gangbang or have lesbian sex.
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Where exactly does vaginal lubrication come from? It's primarily plasma from all the blood that flows to the vaginal area, being pushed thru the vaginal walls.
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A non-monogamous relationship is not a free-for-all.
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12% of US men have paid for sex. How is sex work still illegal?
#sexworkiswork
, just like any other.
Surveys suggest that about 1 in 8 American men & 1 in 100 American women have paid for sex before. Besides men, people age 30+, those w/ incomes <$100K/year, and self-identified Republicans & Independents were the groups most likely to have paid for sex.
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Stealthing is sexual assault.
Study: 32% of heterosexual women and 19% of men who have sex with men reported having been "stealthed" (i.e., they experienced nonconsensual condom removal during sexual intercourse). Researchers expected the number to be about 2%.
#SexResearch
#stealthing
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Women who are on the Pill perform worse on mental rotation tasks than non-users & men, adding to evidence that oral hormonal
#contraceptives
negatively affect female cognitive functioning.
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If you're partnered with a high sexual novelty seeker and expect them to be monogamous, you're setting everyone up for frustration and failure.
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Yes, consensual nonmonogamy lets you have your cake and eat it too. What’s wrong with that? ;)
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Why homosexuality cannot be evolution's mechanism for population control.
@RichardDawkins
explains.
http://t.co/2TjjhM3n8p
#NYUHSex
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In monogamy, the only way to deal with your partner’s jealousy is to repress your desires and not do the things that make them jealous. In non-monogamy, we take on some amount of jealous discomfort, so our partners can pursue what they want. It's a different kind of sacrifice.
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Casual sex is best when there’s a connection between partners. Casual partners don’t have to be committed to one another, but they’ll enjoy the sex so much more if they are seriously invested in each other’s desires and pleasures.
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Hookup culture is not the problem. Bad hookup culture is. We don't need to end hookups. We need to make hookups--and the social scripts that govern them--better.
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Now that mercury is retrograde, I would like to remind everyone that there’s no scientific evidence that celestial bodies have any impact on human psychology or personality. Don’t let pseudoscience stop you from communicating, traveling, starting a new project...living your life.
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Just because consensual nonmonogamy didn’t work out for YOU, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t work.
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Controversial opinion: We’re all non-monogamous if you count thoughts and feelings...
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Most people are wired to form long-term, committed, loving relationships (AKA romantic pair-bonds). Most people are also NOT wired for those pair-bonds to be completely monogamous.
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And arguing that it’s objectively degrading would be yucking other people’s yum. Don’t yuck other people’s yum.
Just because you would feel degraded by a particular sexual behavior doesn't mean the behavior is objectively degrading.
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“Monogamy certainly feels more secure than nonmonogamy, but in a society where serial rather than lifelong monogamy is the norm, promising monogamy and expecting the relationship to end if that promise is broken creates conditions for the ultimate insecurity.”
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So often, the only way we're able to conceptualize or justify promiscuity in women is to chalk it up to a "ho phase”. But for men it can last their entire lifetime and that's totally ok. Well guess what? For some of us, sluthood is a lifelong lifestyle, not a phase.
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Educators, please use LGBTQIA examples when teaching sex ed. It's easy for students to tune out if they feel like what you're talking about doesn't include or apply to them.
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Interested in squirting AKA female ejaculation? So is seemingly everyone, and yet we know so little about it. So
@KennethPlay
and I created the world's largest & most comprehensive survey abt it. ANYONE can take it, not just squirters. Totally anonymous.
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You don’t get to demand monogamy AND chronically fail to meet your partner’s sexual and emotional needs.
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I’m so tired of books, articles, dictionaries, and experts conflating pair-bonding with sexual/emotional monogamy. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME! Pair-bonding is about forming long-term attachment relationships. Monogamy is about whether those bonds are sexually / romantically exclusive.
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Guys, if you want women to curb their jealousies and insecurities and let you play with other women, you need to curb your machismo and possessiveness and let us play with other men. Anything less is misogynistic bullshit, and I hope you ladies don't put up with it.
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Holiday PSA: If you're getting frisky with a vagina-owner, please remember there's a whole person attached to that organ. Don't go straight for the clit or the vagina. Take your time, build up the tension, make that clit beg you to touch it before you do!
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Ending a relationship is not a failure; the only failed relationships are the ones people stay in past their expiration date.
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Sexual novelty and adventure can be found in monogamy. And relational security and stability can be found in nonmonogamy. You’ll just have to work harder to get those needs met in relationship types that are not optimized for meeting them.
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When jealous in nonmonogamy, look deeper. Could it really be envy (I wish I had what they do), personal insecurity (I don’t feel lovable), relational insecurity (I don't feel loved), or violation (a broken agreement)? Each underlying feeling has a different response strategy.
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Vaginal lubrication (plasma) is different from squirting / female ejaculation, which is either white milky Skenes glands (“female prostate”) fluid, or gushing clear liquid (w/ some traces of urine) passing thru the bladder. I just did an AMA on squirting on my IG. Check it out.
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Is frequent, exciting, adventurous sex important to you? Then please don’t marry the low sex drive, low sexual novelty, highly religious girl/guy because s/he is hot, has a great job, and will make a good mom/dad. You are NOT going to be happy.
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Women like variety and novelty too, and men like stability and familiarity. Gender differences exist, but they’re averages of largely overlapping distributions; they’re not either-or, “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” type differences.
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Being an alpha male does NOT prevent you from liking receptive anal sex. There is nothing inherently submissive about being pegged (or penetrated in general). It's all abt the meaning you & your partner imbue that sex act with: Domination/submission, or simply physical pleasure.
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Most people are built for some version of “open monogamy” (one serious partner, some casual partners at some point) because most people want high levels of relational security and moderate levels of sexual and romantic adventure.
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Sex-negative folks are so funny, thinking sex-positive folks take words like "slut" or "whore" as an insult. We don't. If they apply to us, we wear them proudly.
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If you could give people one piece of advice that would make their lives better or the world a better place, what would it be?
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Negotiated nonmonogamy is not incompatible with strong family values. You can be pro-marriage, children, and stable family environments AND find ways to incorporate some sexual and romantic adventure on the side.
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Don't feel bad if non-monogamy feels challenging. Sexual and romantic connections are some of the most powerful human experiences. To be that only connection in someone’s life is intoxicating; to give that up is challenging at best, terrifying at worst.
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#SexScienceNews
: How sexy is IQ in a partner? Both men & women strongly prefer mates of similar or higher IQ to themselves for long-term relationships; but even for short-term flings, less intelligent mates are somewhat less desirable.
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Very religious porn consumers much more likely to feel conflicted abt their porn habits & to believe porn accurately represents real sex.
@xhamstercom
. Yep, porn is problematic - WHEN people are uneducated abt sex and think they'll burn in hell for porn.
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Masculinity isn’t toxic. Toxic masculinity is toxic. Don’t mistake the two.
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The more pleasant, loving, and kind we can make difficult conversations for our partners, the more our partners will want to have difficult conversations with us.
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Not all good relationships need to last til death do us part. And not all ended relationships need to end with a complete breakup.
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You want good sex with your partner. TALK TO THEM ABOUT SEX! New meta-analysis of 40 studies finds sexual communication linked to all aspects of sexual functioning: desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm, erectile function, less pain, and overall function.
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Intentional, negotiated, transparent nonmonogamy is an emotional, social, and often economic luxury.
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So many people think they just want more sex in their relationships, when in fact what they also want is better and/or different kind of sex.
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All polyamorous folks are nonmonogamous, but not all nonmonogamous folks are polyamorous. Polyamory is only one of several forms of nonmonogamy, where people have multiple COMMITTED ROMANTIC partners at the same time, with the explicit knowledge and approval of everyone involved.
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Don’t be mad at your partner for not realizing until later in life that strict monogamy might not be for them. It can take a long time to feel safe enough in our relationships to dare want anything other than monogamy, and to shed the societal shame for having such desires.
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Don’t be ashamed of having the desires that you do. Be ashamed of indulging in your desires in harmful, unethical ways.
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25% of Americans (32% of men & 19% of women) and 40% of Millennials (45% of men & 35% of women) are interested in an open relationship. Nonmonogamy is not a weird, fringe interest anymore. We now have to make sure we all do it well.
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Ladies, thinking of moving in w/ your partner? If an active sex life matters to you, think again. Almost 40% of cohabiting women report NO interest in sex last year vs ~20% of single & noncohabiting women. Funny, cohabitation makes no diff to men’s drive, ugh.
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Struggle with comparing yourself to your partners’ other partner(s)? Remember that your unique combination of traits is what makes your partner want to be with YOU. And nobody else has the unique set of experiences that you two share.
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You don’t need to be equally attracted to both / all genders in order to be bisexual. Bisexuality covers a pretty wide spectrum of nonexclusive attraction. Happy
#bisexualawarenessday
!
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Our sexual desires can only be used against us if we and others believe they’re weird.
(See: Tell Me What You Want by
@JustinLehmiller
)
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In case you needed (more) science; Internet trolls are sadistic, psychopathic, narcissistic, often sexist pricks who lack emotional empathy and get off on making people angry. So, just don’t feed the trolls.
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Some people have the ability and capacity to love more than one person without diminishing the love for another. Others don't. Neither is superior.
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Don't be so afraid of jealousy. Walk towards it sometimes, see what you can learn from it.
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Have you ever wondered why moaning during sex is such a turn on? It's because moaning is a sign of doing something right. So don't be afraid to let it out and if you're self-conscious, there's nothing wrong with a little practice.
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Sex-negative people are so funny, thinking sex-positive folks take words like "slut" or "whore" as an insult. We don't. We wear them proudly (when they apply to us).
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Nonmonogamy is more than just a relationship structure. It’s a whole mindset of how you relate to your partner(s), yourself, and the world around you.
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I want to be in a relationship where we both try to meet each other’s needs and desires (even those that might hurt a bit), not demand of each other to suppress them to spare ourselves some emotional labor. How about you?
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The structure or length of a relationship does not necessarily determine the depth and health of the connection.
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Porn is not inherently destructive, although it certainly can be destructive. It can have positive effects, negative effects, and mixed effects, depending on the type of porn, frequency/length of consumption, underlying personality traits, etc. It’s not an either-or kinda thing.
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Please be honest with yourself and your partners about the amount of time and energy you really have to devote to each of your sexual or romantic relationships.
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Men often want women who NEED them, who depend on them for their basic human needs. They can’t handle women who only WANT them.
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Long-term monogamous relationships fill the need for security, trust, and stability, which is the most important basic human need. But in reality, humans have more than just this basic survival need.
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We have such an ambivalent relationship with s*x. Most of us have a need for it, in one way shape or form, and yet we create so many obstacles to people being able to live their true, fulfilled, authentic s*x and love lives.
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Women are almost as nonmonogamous by nature as men are, on average. (The gender difference is real, but it’s not nearly as large as people think it is.) Are we ready to face this reality as society and individuals?
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Sperm ≠ Semen (ejaculate). Sperm cells make only ~1% of the ejaculate. So no, vasectomy will NOT decrease your cum load significantly. (Why are men so bothered by the size of their cum load, anyway??)
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STIs (sexually transmitted infections) are far less harmful than the stigma that surrounds them.
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Unpopular opinion: you don't have to feel perfectly happy in your relationship before opening it up.
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Monogamy often shields us from having to deal with insecurities, fears, even traumas. It's such a comfortable cocoon. Good growth can come from working through these issues, but it's rarely without some pain. We're not all ready to do that work.
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Psilocybin use increases sexual pleasure, communication, openness to new things, and seeing sex as a spiritual experience, and decreases sexual and body dissatisfaction 1 and 6 months later.
@tomasso_barba
at
#ps2023
@MAPS
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Men and women are much more similar than different in reasons for cheating. Enough of the misinterpreted evolutionary psychology bullshit that men cheat for sexual reasons and women for emotional reasons. IT'S NOT TRUE. See for yourself:
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Time to dissolve this idea that if two people love each other, they will be monogamous forever and introducing nonmonogamy signals the death of their relationship.
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There won’t be full gender equality until men accept that their girlfriends & wives should have the same rights to nonmonogamy that men have always enjoyed. Of course, men haven’t had to face that reality for at least 12,000 years. It'll take some time and patience on both ends.
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Poly folks, please stop shitting on hierarchical polyamory. There is nothing inherently wrong with attachment hierarchies, attachment bonds are hierarchical in nature. Just make sure you treat your non-primary partners with the respect and care all humans deserve.
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Put effort into making your sex life AMAZING from the very beginning, then keep it up. It’s easier to maintain sexual passion than to bring it back from the dead.
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Hookups aren’t the problem. Hookups you regret (or don’t even remember) are the problem.
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Don’t yuck other people’s yums. And also, don’t yuck your own yums. It’s ok that we want what we want, even when society says otherwise.
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Polyamory is the most challenging and demanding form of consensual non-monogamy. Want a smoother transition from monogamy to opening up? Start with something easier, like only playing together, or setting an occasional “hall pass” policy
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Have you tried conscious casual sex? It’s very different from awkward, drunk college hookups.
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Most people are not completely monogamous nor completely nonmonogamous by nature. They’re somewhere in between. So the relationship type that’s right for most is neither complete monogamy nor complete openness, it’s some version of
#monogamish
.
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It's understandable if you feel threatened by the idea of negotiated nonmonogamy. It's new, it's stigmatized, you've been (wrongly) told it never works out, and it'll make you face some uncomfortable feelings. That doesn't mean it's not the right choice for you and your partners.
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“The most gratifying thing about doing sex work was the two retirement accounts I opened before I was 23 years old.” A sex worker at this panel on sex work organized by
@sxnoir
.
#sexworkiswork
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Sex is an entire PLANET. Don't spend your whole life in the same city. (Unless you really hate traveling. Or truly can't travel. Or are pretty sure you've found the best place for you.) Travel is often cheaper or easier than you think. And so worth it.
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Screening of
@UnSlutProject
docu on
#slutshaming
! Directed by
@emilylindin
& supported by legendary
@RealMickFoley
!
http://t.co/e23MefSLRb
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