Student Doctor Funky
@DrTobiasFunky
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Joined December 2019
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For my first year friends I come with a thread of 10 tips to help you build a great reputation in medical school:
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Oh my god! One of the surgical interns had a one-night stand with a guy and it turned out he was her new attending and the chief of neurosurgery 😱
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Patient hasn’t been eating since being admitted. Wow brother I wonder why
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What is it with people in healthcare drinking diet coke at 7:00am?
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Called it “bun” instead of “B-U-N” and my attending told me to kill myself
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56 yo dude just arrived to the ED after getting stabbed 23 times by his colleagues. Any recommendations?
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Other medical students: in my free time I run 20 miles daily, read 100 research articles, and rescue blind turtles off the coast of mexico
Me: i like to nap
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Patient just asked to be discharged from the “grippy sock hotel” and i’ll be using that from now on
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Me: do you use any drugs?
Patient: I’ve never done any drugs
*I present the case*
Attending: do you use any drugs?
Patient: I do all of the drugs all of the time
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POV: you are paying 60k a year to stand behind the biohazard bin
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Sticking a rat inside my surgical cap and having it guide me when performing surgery
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Me: *dropping pen on the floor, bending down to pick it up, pen light falling from pocket, glasses falling from other pocket, crawling on the floor to pick them up*: hi, i’m tobias. I’ll be assisting during your surgery today
Patient: …
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If you're wondering what the current state of medical education is: I borrow large sums of money at high interest to give to my school, they provide powerpoints which I don't read, and then I pay more money for memberships to online resources from which I acquire all my knowledge
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An intern at my hospital was crying about how difficult intern year was and that it was causing problems in his marriage, mental well-being, and overall health.
So I put my hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eyes and told him that “medicine isn’t a job, it’s a calling”
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picture of my dad from 1978 when he was in residency
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This guy at the library pulled out his computer, ipad, his copy of First Aid, and 20 different colored pens just to browse his phone for an hour and then leave
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Whispering to myself “let’s go save some lives” as i walk into the hospital to be useless and annoying all day
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For $10 I’ll go to your hospital and pretend to faint so you can resuscitate me and look good in front of your attending
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Me: hey good morning! how are you doing today?
Patient: get the fuck out of my room
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1- Have you ever felt the need to Cut down on coffee?
2- Have you felt Annoyed by criticizism of your coffee intake?
3- Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking coffee?
4- Have you ever felt you needed a coffee first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady yourself?
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after $60k in tuition I am literally watching cartoons to learn medicine
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“So you see, I don’t know what’s wrong with you cause they didn’t give me 5 answer choices”
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Stop asking for alternate scrub brands. It is time we forget about scrubs entirely and embrace our traditions.
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Here are 7 ways that can help you reduce medical school debt:
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In the OR hallway trying to memorize the anatomy pertinent to the case
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I love when uworld is like “patient tested negative for the disease” and then the correct answer is that they have the secret version of the disease that doesn’t show up on the normal test for that disease.
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I’m in a really bad place right now (medical school)
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The fuck you mean I have to re-certify my BLS? Did they innovate chest compressions and dialing 911?
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Had my first kiss today. Even slipped in some tongue. I know I’m not supposed to but it just felt right. Anyways it was unfortunately cut short by the CPR instructor who called me “disgusting” and told me that I was making the other students “uncomfortable” by kissing the dummy.
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Weird question but when the cervix dilates to 10cm how does the pee stay inside?
I wanna watch a cervix dilate in real time.
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I’ve gotten to a point where I can confidently say that I should have gone to therapy instead of medical school
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Oh yeah totally my bad I picked the:
↑↓↑↓↓↑↓↓↑↓↓↑ answer instead of the ↑↓↑↓↓↑↓↓↑↓↓↓ answer. I guess I’m just stupid. I should’ve just picked the right answer during the whole 1.5 minutes I get to read the question stem and pick the correct arrows. My bad
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Physical exam finding are always like: if you whisper “99” in to the patient’s rectum and they immediately recite the pledge of allegiance then that’s Brukowski’s Classic Sign for Super Rectal Pseudolisthesis
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Low-fat My recent UWorld
Milk Renal physiology
Block
🤝
2%
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*Saying goodbye to my preceptor on my last day of rotation*
Me: i love you, i have learned so much from you and want to be like you. you’re like the role-model i never had and i will work every day to be someone you can be proud of
Preceptor: 👍
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Surgeons will remember all this shit but refuse to learn my name after seeing me every day for a month
Important to be familiar with instrument names. I know different names used depending on Geography. Anyone do a North American version for me?
#SurgEd
#CoreSurgicalTraining
#BasicSurgicalSkills
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When the amazon package arrives but it doesn’t fix the underlying mental health issue that made you impulsively buy the item in the first place
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Got to suture today and when I finished the surgeon came up to me and said that that was the best suturing he had ever see. His eyes started watering. Between sobs he said “Tobias you complete me. Please come to this program. I need you.” Then everybody in the OR started clapping
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Chocolate Chip and Benadryl Cookies for Santa ❤️
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“Are you okay?”
No bro, I’m still not prepared for a test that I’ve spent almost 2 years studying for
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POV you’re about to be woken up from sleep to be asked if you’ve been sleeping well
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I’m like another bad uworld block away from switching to this career
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Guys I gotta confess i’ve been using scrubs a size too small so my ass looks fat at the hospital
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Pov you’re into your second sentence of your patient presentation and you get hit with the attending stare
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Why are you on twitter right now? Don’t you have 700 medications you need to learn?
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ProTip: Eat confetti before your colonoscopy to surprise your gastroenterologist 🎊
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No aunt Beth I’m still not making any money. Yes I know I’ve been in school forever. No I do not know what’s wrong with your knees.
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In healthcare you should always be prepared for anything
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Me and the boys choosing the least picked answer on a UWorld question
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Schools send 50 garbage emails a day and then get mad when you miss the one important one
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Me in the ED watching the ER nurse and the EMT flirt even though I know they are both married to other people
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Save up to $250000 on tuition by simply not going to medical school
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not single because you’re a medical student and have no time or social life. it’s cause you’re ugly
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Me: so do you have you been diagnosed with any medical conditions?
Baby: googoogagaga
Me: “patient is being difficult and refusing to answer questions”
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My attending will remember a BMP value from a patient he saw a week ago but still can’t remember my name
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Being a DO is not wrong
Being a MD is not wrong
Being a nurse is not wrong
You know what is wrong?
Being a medical student. Someone get me out of here
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I remember the moment I decided to pursue medicine. I was accompanying my sweet old grandma to a doctors visit. He sat down with her, talked about what hurt her and how he could help. She died a week later cause he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing. But he had a lot of money
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Are you actually studying or are you just drinking coffee while blankly staring at your computer screen?
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I wonder how many people are in medicine today because of an initial interest from watching Scrubs, House, Grey’s Anatomy, or any other medical drama show
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I’m gonna keep it real with you guys. What the fuck is a p-value?
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Every single person in medicine has under eyes shadow
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Uworld: “23 yo male works in business administration and reports a happy marriage with his highschool sweetheart and are expecting a baby in the spring. They just moved in to a large house in an upscale neighborhood…”
Me *alone at a starbucks on a friday evening, $3 in my bank*
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A medical student died in this room
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Lmao remember your childhood friend Mark that went into accounting already has a stable job and doesn’t have to wake up at dawn to work at the hospital for free
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Surgeon: can i get some suction?
Me *licking my lips*: sure
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Med school will suck the life out of you for months and then take points off for not exuding fake empathy during virtual standardized patient exams.
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I don't mean to sound rude, but so far nobody on here has ever thanked me for single-handedly lowering UWorld question averages
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Be assertive. Instead of asking your attending “is there anything else I can help you with” tell them “there’s nothing more I can help you with” and just leave.
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I ask for jail time for whoever thought this was okay
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when my attending gives me information about a medical condition I will never hear about again but I have to pretend I care
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One easy way to remember that TSH is produced in the anterior pituitary is by learning that TSH is produced in the anterior pituitary
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You walk into the interview room. The admissions committee is waiting for you. You sit down quietly. The head of the committee slides a piece of paper accross the table. It’s a printed image of one of your tweets with the word “Fuck” underlined.
“...fuck” you whisper to yourself.
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When you were partying, I did UWorld.
When you were having premarital sex, I mastered cardiac physiology.
While you were enjoying life, I matured Anki.
And now that you have a weird rash on your skin and you want to know what it is you have the audacity to come to me for help?
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This is what the human vagina looks like. This is where they pee from. Fascinating.
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Why be happy when you could just study medicine instead?
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Does anyone know if my medical school credits will transfer over to clown school?
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We need less first generation medical professionals. I want my doctors to be imbued with the holy blood of the healers of old. If you are not a direct descendant of Hippocrates don’t even think about medicine.
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You can go ahead and close that 2 month old research tab you opened on your browser hoping that one day you’d have time to read it. It’s okay to let it go.
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Perhaps sitting in front of a computer screen answering complex medical questions for 9 hours straight isn’t what we are built for
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I just don't see how you can be a good doctor if you don't know that phosphoglycerate kinase converts 1,3-bisphosphoglycerate into glycerate 3-phosphate
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1. Machine spins randomly
2. Gets picture of your insides
Y’all really expect me to believe this?
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Behind every successful attending is a medical student standing around being useless asking if there’s anything he can help out with
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Rise and shine losers. Remember you were the one that signed up for this. You have nobody to blame but yourself.
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When you and the patient have the same mental illness
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They should have never let my sleepy ass apply for a career in healthcare
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