Legit call from the school: Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

@I_Bl33d_Purple It is definitely that cold here

I just want a solarium with a dirt floor so I can grow tropical fruit. Is that too much to ask for?

Just told my plant to “stop behaving this way,” as it leaked water onto my table. No more whiskey for me

Orange cats have crackhead energy.

I can tell my best friend is special because she licked my wallpaper on the way out the door like the scene from Charlie and the chocolate factory.

Sorry, can’t. Waiting for my clothes to come back into style again.

Normalize having a full mental breakdown when you can’t find the pants you want to wear

Americas fascination with ranch has lead me to believe you’d be ruled by a giant bottle of dressing by now. I’m a little disappointed to say the least

The calories don’t count if you just stand in front of the open fridge and eat, right?

RT @mahnamematt: My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change.

@Kjalmasand There’s no American liquor here anymore

A special olympics category for packing groceries into bags because the person who packed mine was clearly mentally incapacitated

I can’t tell if my child or a crack head tried to make cookies in my kitchen. The mess is intense

Nobody follows me as loyally as my dogs. Every where. All the time.

Awfully audacious of anybody to show up unannounced at my house assuming I’d have pants on

My child is going to be really mind blown someday when she buys her first box of lucky charms and realizes that her mother has been eating 90% of the marshmallows for 18 years.

Why are the funny people letting politics take over twitter

Every time I say “sorry,” my iPhone thinks I’m saying “Siri.” Very annoying Canadian trait to have.

My cats opinion of me is very much influenced by what I’m eating