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@DianaG2772
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just 3 raccoons in a trench coat.
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Joined November 2017
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Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”
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My parrot can’t say much, aside from “fuck off,” “what the fuck,” and “that’s nice,” but twice now he’s yelled “BOIL THE SPAGHETTI JIMMY,” at my cat.
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A woman shit on the floor of Tim Hortons when they got her order wrong and the thus far, nobody has titled the story “Horton, Here’s a Poo.”
What is wrong with the world? I’d be on it like white on rice.
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I got up early today and to my surprise I saw my two dogs out on the deck. I was confused. I was 100% positive they were inside all night. So the dogs come in, happy with their tails wagging. Then my two dogs come down the stairs. Long story short I’ve got 4 dogs now.
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@thedad
They didn’t exactly try to stop her. They mainly just stood back in both shock and fear.
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@AmySchlitt
We’ve raised poultry for years, so she’s got the reflexes and the skills she needs to succeed at life.
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Two dogs identical to mine just showed up and waited on my deck for me to let them in. That’s 4 Bernese mountain dogs in my kitchen.
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My 7y/o started a company called “Not Shellfish.” She collects shells, paints them. Offers me a dollar from the sales to do the ink overlay and then donates two dollars to the animal shelter from every one she sells.
Maybe she’ll run this country someday. 😍
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@amanda_clairet
Honestly, they thought it was hilarious but the playground monitor for that day in particular is terrified of birds. It’s a small school and a small community, so I caught wind of the situation before I got the call. 😂
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All women are bi.
It’s your job to guess whether it’s sexual or polar.
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Americans will literally use anything except the metric system.
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The best part of a cucumber tastes like the worst part of a watermelon
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2008: I don’t talk to strangers on the internet.
2018: I only talk to strangers on the internet.
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Here I am, 28 years old and still trying to figure out how adults wear white clothes without staining them.
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@msmiih
No, they’re my dogs friends who walked 3 miles at 4am for a visit. I was so confused
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The Canadian accent doesn’t really exist. Americans just think we have one because we use mysterious foreign words like “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry.”
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The best foreplay:
1. Kissing
2. Deep eye gazing
3. Putting your fucking laundry away like I asked you to 3 years ago.
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My 7 year old asked me to stop doing blow jobs in the bathroom early in the morning because it wakes her.
Side note: she meant blow drying my hair.
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@DinaRiccs
100% and if it doesn’t he’s not the one. Rehome him and replace him with a new dog.
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I’m not saying I’m super mom, but my kid did just drop a glass ornament and I caught it with my foot, kicked it up and caught it with my hand.
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No woman has actually looked at a penis and said, “that’s a nice penis. I wish I had a photo of it on my phone.”
So stop sending the pics.
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If you dm me a marriage proposal, you should know that my parents require a 100k dowry and I want a fuckin goat.
I don’t make the rules.
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If social media has taught me anything, it’s how many people I could beat in a spelling bee.
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7 y/o daughter walked past me and farted.
Me: what do you say?
7y/o: I think I just shit myself.
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At McDonald’s and the men’s bathroom is closed for cleaning. A man, clad in cami and boots said he was going to the women’s. The millennial employee said, “do you sexually identify as a woman?” The man responded with “I sexually identify as a man who is gonna piss himself.”
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I have never met a man who put away laundry that didn’t get his dick sucked on a semi regular basis. Just sayin.’
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After spending an entire year on twitter, I’ve concluded two things:
1. Canadians run this place.
2. Everything is easier when you’ve got a decent set of tits.
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Welcome to twitter. A Canadian crush will be assigned to you momentarily.
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I lost 70 lbs cause I got fat shamed.
Now that I’m fit, I get skinny shamed on a regular basis.
There literally is no winning when it comes to humans.
Moral of the story: dogs don’t give a shit what you look like.
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Back in my day, you actually had to poop without a smartphone.
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Why are dudes grossed out when girls are on their period?
Like.. this is mother nature’s way of celebrating that you will not be a father for 28 days. Just go with the “flow,” man.
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If only brains got you followers as quickly as cleavage. 🧐
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My kid got Oreos for a treat and told me not to steal them while she was at school.
I had one and she replaced the frosting with TOOTHPASTE.
What an asshole.
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I judge people based on which actor they think made the best James Bond.
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Hi, I make funny jokes and then explain them to idiots who think I’m serious.
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It’s 7 am on a Sunday and my neighbors had a party last night. I think I’m going to mow my lawn.
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Canada is only legalizing marijuana to numb the pain caused by having to live next to our unstable American neighbours. It’s a coping mechanism, ok?
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Sure I’ll send pussy pics. Do you want pics of both cats or just one? 🙄
Idiots.
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How to succeed on twitter:
Step one: be a girl
Step two: be a Canadian girl.
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[my 7y/o all dolled up, looking like a Christmas angel at her school’s concert and this little shit kept annoying her and poking her.]
She grabbed him by the tie and venomously said, “I’m not scared of gettin’ blood on this white dress.”
This all went down by the snack table.
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Bag of cat food for feeding the crows.
$15
Watching the crows rip bags of my rude neighbours trash apart while mine goes unscathed because they worship me as their witch mother…
Priceless.
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My 7y/o figured out that crayons fit in our semi automatic nerf gun.
Pray for me.
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Let me get this straight.
Men tweet about eating ass on here and it’s ok. I tweet about liking pineapple on pizza and I’m a psychopath.
Whatever.
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You can call it hooters but I am just going to call it a breastaurant.
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How to be a happy woman:
1. Find a man that’s rich.
2. Find a man that loves you.
3. Find a man that cooks.
4. Find a man that cleans.
5. Never let these men meet.
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No man can tell the difference between a Walmart bra and a Victoria’s Secret bra when it’s covering boobs.
Just saying.
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You know what’s sexy?
That corner piece of lasagna that’s extra cheesy and crispy.
Don’t make this any weirder than it needs to be.
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What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
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A rooster tried to attack my 7y/o. She didn’t think I was within earshot so she said, “watch it you stupid feathery fuck,” and then threw a snowball at it.
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Just blocked 15 people who didn’t like the word cunt.
Not. Fucking. Around. Today.
Cunts.
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This is Twitter. Obviously when I respond to a dm it’s because I wanna have your babies.
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How do you guys even eat pussy? I can’t even pick one up without it clawing the shit out of my arms.
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My kid doesn’t like grilled cheese sandwiches, peanut butter, or chicken nuggets.
Do I file a complaint with the stork or god?
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Two out of three people don’t even get my meatloaf references.
But I don’t feel sad. Two outta three ain’t bad.
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What’s a girl gotta do to get a man to plow her right? God.
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