Kind of a dick move toward trees.
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Don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour tonight if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
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Hey. NEW STANDUP SPECIAL - August 10
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"I'm going to make you a sandwich" doesn't sound threatening unless the person who said it is a wizard.
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Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Publicist: The glass looks amazing. Everyone loved it. Really great.
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Q is for apple.O is for cantaloupe.D is for orange slice.P is for half-eaten lollipop.
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Don't be so quick to judge others. Take your time and really get into it.
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In honor of Palindrome Week here is a 500-word palindrome from my first book, This Is A Book By Demetri Martin. http://t.co/CAOsftqhSe.
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r ˚ º ® (Young r thinking about itself as an adult.).
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Sex is the leading cause of people.
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The Earth is the world's largest globe.
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The line between them gets finer.
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the "bananus".
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Nearly 1/2 of all Americans are torsos.
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I am sick and/or tired of being indecisive.
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If the walls in my house could talk they would probably be screaming a lot because I just put up some shelves.
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W is one of only two letters that start with D.
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This is me being more active on social media.
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Currently desperately trying to use fewer adverbs unsuccessfully.
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Å A .A ˚ A .A Å.(A's playing catch).
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If they could read, I think wolves would be very offended by most fairy tales.
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I hope someone can remind me to vote.
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I live by one simple rule, and that is why I have so many problems.
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I bet if two choreographers got into a fight it would look pretty impressive.
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Probably my favorite thing about social media is how it brings out the best in people.
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I would describe myself as the kind of person who describes himself as the kind of person who would describe himself.
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Never underestimate the power of punctuation?.
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Astronomers now believe that Saturn's rings, given their size, are actually bracelets.
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There are lots of taxpayers out there.
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Hello. My new standup special is on Netflix now. It's called "Demetri Martin Live (at the time)". Pass it on. http://t.co/aCnJtnIxcH.
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Thinking in absolutes is always a mistake sometimes.
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My car has a cup-shaped phone holder.
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I just got a private jet. It’s very small. I guess you could say it’s a toy jet, but it’s private.
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If you’re violent but also creative, try paintball.
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If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I would have dinner with somebody living. Eating near a dead body is too gross for me.
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I think a dartboard that makes a little “ouch” sound whenever a dart hits it would be a good invention.
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While chicken nuggets have enjoyed widespread popularity for years, beef nuggets have still failed to find an audience.
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Man is like a diaper: difficult to change, especially when they're full of shit.
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You can always count on me, sort of.
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One in every ten words in this sentence is exactly.
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I want to learn how to say “Actions speak louder than words" in sign language.
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When the world ends, does it happen right away? Or is it more of a buildup of a bunch of things in a row? (Asking for a friend).
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I think one of the best things about photography is that taking a picture of someone can make them stop talking for a moment.
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I think hockey and figure skating would both be more interesting if they switched outfits.
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Remember to turn your clocks back an hour today if you want them to be wrong.
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I follow sports, because I love to get really angry about things I have no control over.
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You can count the number of real hands you have on one friend.
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Martial arts are more common than martial crafts.
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My favorite thing of all time is exaggeration.
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I can't wait to see what everyone is outraged about today.
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I do flash mobs alone sometimes. It’s me just showing up somewhere.
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Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.
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"Pumpkin" is a nice thing to call someone, unless that person is overweight and wearing orange.
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The name “Rick” was originally an abbreviation for “Richolas”.
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Q is the only letter with visible genitalia.
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A car horn beeps. I wave. I realize they were not beeping at me. I run in front of the car. They beep again. This time it makes sense.
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Stalking seems similar to binge watching a person.
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It takes so little to make a stranger’s day, and even less to totally ruin it.
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Caramel is a great snack if you're looking for something sweet that can also undo any dental work you've had done.
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Sometimes it feels like we're all just on some random planet in the middle of nowhere.
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I've posted this before, but since it's palindrome week I'm posting it again - a 500-word palindrome I wrote. Enjoy? http://t.co/eDMgaJey7n.
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When birds fart they fly slightly faster for a moment.
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One thing I've never seen: a mailman in a hurry.
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Studies have found that the most effective form of birth control is wearing sandals with socks.
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When Chewbacca gargles it probably sounds very similar to when he talks.
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I have never picked up a hitchhiker, but I have slowed down and made one chase me for a bit.
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Trail mix is probably called that because it looks like part of a trail was scooped up and put into a bag.
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Thanks for all of the reminders. Really excited to get out and vote today!.
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The crab got its name after marine biologists observed that it had the worst attitude of all the crustaceans.
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Without fear there is no courage. You also need fear to be a coward. So, once you have the fear it can really go either way.
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