DaveHolmes.bsky.social
@DaveHolmes
Followers
77K
Following
20K
Media
1K
Statuses
27K
Editor-at-Large, Esquire. Author, Party of One. Co-host, Homophilia. Host, Troubled Waters. WAITING FOR IMPACT available NOW!
Los Angeles, CA
Joined June 2007
If you haven’t listened to WAITING FOR IMPACT yet, episode 7 is a good way in. It’s an exploration of art and fate and success and happiness, set to some of my favorite music. I’m really, really proud of it. Jump in, won’t you?
11
13
102
PS: My favorite moment from the @BTS_twt interview didn't really fit anywhere in the piece, but there is no way I'm letting it pass without notice.
2K
19K
84K
For real tho: the couple who were arrested for having sex inside their own home, whose case became Lawrence v Texas, the case these lil stinkers in robes are thinking about overruling, were arrested for having sex inside their own home IN 1998. #pride.
97
8K
56K
To anyone who's ever been any kind of other, the goofy malice in that MAGA kid's eyes is instantly recognizable.
776
8K
51K
You had- AT MOST- a Sum 41 CD.
348
8K
50K
Literally 100% of the Americans currently roaring with laughter about traumatic sexual assault are seven weeks away from having a meltdown if it doesn’t say CHRISTMAS on the coffee cup.
152
11K
41K
Welcome, Elon Musk! I remember when we shot a segment together at SpaceX and then 30 minutes later you sent your assistant down to ask my co-host out for you. Cool guy stuff.
584
3K
41K
Had the great pleasure of talking to the guys of @bts_bighit for the cover of @esquire's winter issue. A trip to Seoul was not in the cards this year, but their warmth, wisdom and energy came through even over Zoom.
1K
9K
43K
This is the actual objective of terrorism, and we’ve done it to ourselves.
Motorcycles backfiring trigger panic at Times Square in New York City; police confirm there is no active shooter
107
6K
35K
What Dolly is actually saying is “I see you starting to point your leftover Betty White energy at me, and I’m good.”.
65
971
27K
We’re like 35 years into “if you disagree with a conservative about literally anything, it’s because you hate America” and four days into “the weird guys are weird.”
422
2K
22K
I said "butter summer y'all," and I MEANT "butter summer y'all."
101
6K
21K
This millionaire filmmaker with the world at his feet has turned his back on comedy because "paging Dr. Faggot" no longer bowls them over, but please remember that it is YOU who is being overly sensitive.
125
2K
16K
The Mark Wahlberg story in my book has never been more vital, revealing and relevant.
189
2K
15K
Our basic rights are younger than the first NSync album, and they are fragile as hell. Fight.
8
1K
13K
Decent time to remind you that in 2004, Howard Dean made an unusual noise with his mouth and it was the top story on every channel for like a month.
201
2K
11K
Next time you're about to complain about cancel culture just remember that a man who is currently under investigation for attempting to overthrow the United States government just got cast as like the Happy Li'l Slice o' Cake on The Masked Singer.
70
1K
11K
Before we amplify Tucker Carlson’s thoughts about Russia, let’s just remember that like ten days ago he was publicly very angry about an M&M’s shoes.
48
1K
10K
This happened 25 years ago today. Thank you MTV for rerouting my life. Everybody go do your weird idea. You’ll be glad you did.
321
341
10K
As I have told my straight male friends for years: she wants her home destroyed and her community devastated by flood.
38
2K
10K
If you knew a dog walker who tweeted as much as the president of the United States, you would have deep and legitimate concern for the dogs.
40
1K
9K
I love the part in any sports movie where the coach goes “Get out there and just do whatever you feel is best for you, individually, based on things you’ve heard in podcasts.”.
45
992
9K
Nothing is ever as funny as the next table over at the restaurant thinks it is.
38
763
7K
You will notice that every single person who complains about being silenced is doing it into a microphone.
27
802
7K
"Let's post the viciously sexy headshot from our opponent's lowest point, which he has addressed and apologized for, while our guy looks like Grimace and hasn't explained why he's fallen in line behind the guy who called his wife ugly and his dad a murderer." U R KILLIN THE GAME!.
There's always the chance that Robert “Beto” O’Rourke won’t debate Senator Cruz because he got into a hazy situation.
118
741
6K
In all of this, let's not forget that Tucker Carlson is also boring.
81
295
5K
Laurie's mother died of Covid-19 this morning. Healthy last week. Just wear your mask and find another way to be a nightmare.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you throw hot coffee on the face of anyone not wearing a mask.
20
1K
5K
I saw Love, Simon last night while I was home in St. Louis. Went to the Des Peres 4 Ciné, where I used to see movies when I was a kid. I wondered whether the young people who need to have this movie would show up and see it in public, in a chatty suburb where people know your biz.
81
751
5K
Honestly it’s a miracle the White House hasn’t been turned into a Halloween store.
50
573
5K
Congratulate him for holding his head up in a world where adults constantly belittle, denigrate and threaten him.
86
1K
5K
Man to man, I am sorry you’ve been so abused by your trashcan of a father that you are literally on Twitter saying you’re tight with some chill 7-year-olds, and that first grade has presidents. This is a crisis of masculinity that implicates us all but mostly your shitty dad.
I know children running for first grade class president that spend more time campaigning then Joe Biden has running for a president of the United States.
34
334
5K
It is literally nobody’s job to say the n word.
147
140
5K
Thanks to a focus on live performance (particularly brilliant #BTSxGrammys and John Legend moments) the Grammys were kind of great?
26
1K
5K
"Hi, it's November of 2020 and western civilization is doomed because Harry Styles' legs are not in their own separate fabric tubes." -Human being who gets paid to write.
25
533
5K
I knew we were all going to die in the next four years, but I didn't expect it to be of embarrassment.
35
992
4K
Here's all I have to say about #Reputation: There's a line in "Gorgeous" that goes "Whiskey on ice/Sunset and Vine," which, if we are to take her at her word, indicates that Taylor Swift drinks in a Walgreens.
71
568
4K
“Oh.” –Any gay male who has lived between 1981 and like 45 minutes ago.
For thousands of years, disease pathogens have spread from person to person. Never before have carriers been blamed for infecting the next sick person. That is a very dangerous ideology.
21
660
4K
She was underage, so yeah I say so too.
29
336
4K
It was April 18. Don't ask how I know.
On April 20, 1998, Jesse Camp won MTV’s first ‘Wanna Be a VJ’ contest
106
76
4K
Amen.
Dr. Bill Miller on flying Blue Jets across cities in support of healthcare workers. "They cost 450,000 per flight over a city. You want to help healthcare workers? Get us equipment, PPEs, n95 masks, get us tests for everybody. take that same money and feed people in inner cities"
7
549
3K
This is bad, but the part where he becomes a full-time folk hero is going to be much, much worse.
55
353
3K
If you need a pick-me-up today, think about the people who are viscerally angry that one baseball team is now called a different word who will ALSO say out loud "people are too sensitive these days.".
18
497
3K
In season three of The Real World, we all watched this woman tell her mother that her navel piercing was “a sticker.”.
Fox host: "Donald Trump can outwork anyone and he's, I think, the only president who actually starts to look younger in office"
67
321
3K
After CDs and before streaming, a full decade of great music sits forgotten on an early iPod in your junk drawer. Let us now praise THE DELETED YEARS.
187
817
3K
In California, it is illegal to open a Trader Joe’s with a satisfying parking lot.
96
421
3K
The '80s started in 1978 when the Cars's first album came out, lasted until the first B-52s album in 1979, then it was the '70s again until The Human League hit #1 with "Don't You Want Me" in 1982. These are facts and this is why you follow me.
115
297
3K
Okay here is a theory: I think maybe the President is less skilled at making deals where massive inherited wealth doesn't give him the automatic upper hand.
35
377
3K
Anyway, I'm off to the bank to report this account and routing number. Be good to each other, my friends.
264
197
3K
If “hey, be nice and don’t rape” is oppression, my advice to you is: WOWWW DO NOT EVER ACTUALLY BE OPPRESSED BECAUSE YOU FOR SURE COULD NOT HANDLE IT.
10
323
3K
We’re battling a virus and our president has officially taken the side of. the virus.
96
639
3K
I'm a Type 1 diabetic, and I hate to sound selfish, but I would super love to not go bankrupt or die. #voteNO.
62
906
3K
What, honestly, are you praying FOR?
Reports out of Texas are devastating. The people of Sutherland Springs need our prayers right now.
104
347
3K
Yes indeed. You were 15, in a swimsuit, trying to process a traumatic event that you probably blamed yourself for. Why didn't you immediately involve our nation's security and intelligence apparatus like a normal teenager?.
19
249
2K
If I die in a mass shooting, I hereby grant you my permission to start politicizing that shit right away.
7
374
2K
George Clooney’s 15th best friend is asking himself some difficult questions today.
George Clooney Gifted Each of His 14 Best Friends $1 Million, According to Rande Gerber
18
420
2K
29
848
3K
Like he's Heather Locklear on Melrose Place. This is actually why I STOPPED watching. @msnbc
121
556
2K
I’ve waited my entire life to vote for an American president who had an Alison Moyet phase. Let’s go. #KamalaHarris2024
31
190
2K
Weird is a banger and I’m so happy to see it blowing up, but while it’s still at #1, let’s release the follow-up single Embarrassing.
40
195
2K
I wonder if we can maybe start to think about acting like we outnumber these shitbags the way we demonstrably overwhelmingly do.
10
269
2K
JESUS CHRIST.
just in case you need a little boost today, here’s Stanley Tucci in a Levi’s commercial from 1985
62
141
2K
This guy makes a terrific point if you also believe that third grade and the battle of Okinawa should feel like similar experiences.
Rep. Tim Burchett (R-TN) on school shootings:. "We're not gonna fix it."
25
313
2K
What a devastating imaginary problem for this multi-millionaire celebrity to contend with.
49
115
2K
FAILING in NOT getting the job done means she's been getting the job done. Go to bed.
Hillary's been failing for 30 years in not getting the job done - it will never change.
35
1K
2K
I’m not going to do that FaceApp thing because I just turned on CNN where they’re both-sidesing racism and now I’m 112 years old.
11
224
2K
Honestly can you imagine giving one single fuck what Ann Coulter has to say about anything.
36
226
2K
WHOLE THREAD PLEASE.
Boss: "We need a headline for the unexpected death of one of the most famous people that has ever lived.". Reporter: "Hmm let me think, um, Walt Disney Dies. movie. tv. notable.". Boss: "Copy, print it."
15
599
2K
Why don’t you go fuck yourself, and then after you have fucked yourself, come here and tell me all about it.
Anyone who says the president told members of Congress to go back to where they came from is lying. He told them to “Then come back and show us how it is done.”
35
135
2K
I’m hearing from people that he failed to close the deal tonight.
Trump: "We had to go back to 1798. That's when we had laws that were effective."
28
264
2K
You can reach Agent Paul and Officers Johnson and Debbie at 240-523-3767.
75
391
2K
Guy in sundress > guy who begs for the endorsement of the man who called his wife ugly. Everyone knows this.
23
175
2K
Prince only has two songs with lines about animals watching him fuck, but when you stop and think about it honestly that's a lot.
30
141
2K
Really did not expect the end of the world to be this tacky.
13
284
2K
A silent Andy Warhol was just the jolt of pure energy the Super Bowl needed.
14
223
2K
And I've thought about it, and I don't accept his apologies.
35
161
2K
America is definitely a person whose favorite album is a greatest-hits compilation.
The Eagles now have the top-selling album in history, surpassing Michael Jackson's "Thriller”
27
190
2K
Honestly, if you find a photo of your opponent looking like someone Janeane Garofalo slept with in Reality Bites, and you think it's a thing to use AGAINST him, you are too stupid to govern.
17
172
2K
Decent time to point out that Steve Bannon looks like an estranged uncle of the Mucinex family wearing everything he got with his Banana Republic gift card.
15
216
2K
Really thought “don’t give a child an AR-15 and send him off across state lines to look for trouble in the middle of a volatile situation that does not remotely concern him” was one of those rare statements we could all agree on.
10
191
2K
What dance are you gonna do on Trump's political grave?.
33
439
2K
That this guy is saying "We are going to bully our way past a credible allegation of sexual assault," and getting an applause break for it, at the VALUES VOTER SUMMIT tells you everything you need to know about fifty different things.
Mitch McConnell: “You’ve watched the fight. You’ve watched the tactics, But here’s what I want to tell you: In the very near future, Judge Kavanaugh will be on the United States Supreme Court… Don’t get rattled by all of this. We’re gonna plow right through it and do our job.”
81
605
2K
You got outsmarted by a morning zoo PODCAST.
When people come into our Country illegally, we must IMMEDIATELY escort them back out without going through years of legal maneuvering. Our laws are the dumbest anywhere in the world. Republicans want Strong Borders and no Crime. Dems want Open Borders and are weak on Crime!.
11
85
2K
Try to think about what would happen if they tried to pass a seat belt law right now.
24
175
2K
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND HILLARY CLINTON SEEMED WOODEN WHEN SHE DID THE NAE-NAE ON “ELLEN.”.
18
165
2K
It was not the perfect movie for me. It probably won’t be the perfect movie for you. But it will hit people young and old in ways they haven’t been hit before, and it will create compassion and inspire strength in ways that sometimes only movies can.
9
111
2K
Cool. I believe that we should stop calling 72-year-olds geniuses for knowing what every shitty fourth-grader knows and doing what we hope every high school senior has outgrown.
27
205
2K
Not a bad time to remind you that there's a fake Time Magazine cover hanging on the wall of one of his funeral home-ass golf clubs whereupon he gets the name of his own television show wrong.
38
518
2K
Imagine your masculinity being so fragile it dictates how you carry your own child.
26
114
2K
I swear before God, if some bunch of sad sack Q Anon man cave dads even briefly disrupts a New Radicals reunion, I will become Rambo multiplied by Linda Hamilton and devote my life to exacting pitiless revenge.
50
184
2K
Credit where it's due: it must be hard work being a pedophilia apologist, a white nationalist, gay AND dull.
18
292
2K
When I got the MTV job, I signed with a big agency, and in the big meeting with the whole team they asked me whose career I wanted to emulate. The way all those dudes in their gorgeous suits looked at me like confused terriers when I said “…Charles Grodin?”.
19
51
2K
A hot 2020 campaign slogan would be I DON’T TWEET.
17
159
2K
Mariah Carey fails better than 99% of the world succeeds.
18
383
2K
It is “The President gets Baba Booey’d on Air Force One and it barely registers” o’clock in America.
14
217
1K
DEAFENING silence from the "viruses are God's judgment" crowd.
6
172
1K