Barefoot Cuntessa
@DasKapithole
Followers
117
Following
76
Media
298
Statuses
3,536
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Pinned Tweet
God gives his hottest angel the longest nipple hairs
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I’ve transcend quarantine horny and now I just want to be quarantined in love and building a vegetable garden 🥺
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Am I autistic? I can’t be autistic. Would an autistic person develop such an obsession with napoleon dynamite at age 11 that they adopted the titular character’s speech patterns and mannerisms for months until their parents forced them to stop? I don’t think so.
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the duality of my dms (guess which one is from someone I’ve actually slept w)
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really into looking stupid as fuck when I run errands lately
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Can’t post dinner content on ig without soft launching my ex
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hey we saw you from across the bar and just wanted to say we fucking hate your vibes
@blairewitchboy
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Here comes a feeling you thought you’d forgotten (wanting to stay up all night playing stardew on adderall)
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My Mother’s Day breakfast in bed is hibiscus passionfruit mimosas and adderall while alone in my 490 sq ft apartment bc the idea of gestation makes me ill and keeping myself alive is hard enough
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: dumplings are the true unifying trait of humanity
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She’s a 10 but she’s still making “she’s a 10” jokes and she’s wearing bootleg paddington merch
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Thinking about where I was a whole year ago and, like, people fucking suck and the things we put ourselves through for validation sucks and learning to reject comfortable but unhealthy situations fucking sucks but it happened and I’m better for it.
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I miss karaoke sunday and margarita monday and token tuesday and farmers market wednesday and $2 wells Thursday and basically every day of casual service industry alcoholism
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i blacked out and then took pictures on my floor um ok girl slay?
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opened up this app to tweet “pushing the limits on how much Caesar salad a human can eat” and this is one of the first things I see
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I don’t have daddy issues, my dad has daughter issues.
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this is how I’m going to feel flying internationally by myself for the first time at the tender age of 28
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best part of Orlando is baby sister’s apt has good lighting
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TouchTunes finally added guess by charli and
@angelcandyshop
is making me money right off the bat. Happy Father’s Money Day 🫶
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I drink so much vodka and cranberry because urinary tract health is v important to me.
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ppl shit on dating kitchen guys until they see one of these bad boys at my house (I have not bought cling wrap in three years)
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the pilot on this flight is like 25 with a mullet and Chelsea boots. This may be my last tweet
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got a 90 on the final that I took drunk. my actions will never consequences!!
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*likes and comments on everything on facebook after one drink*
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*anxious af*
*drinks energy drink and espresso about it*
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Is this whole 70’s trailer-Playboy-Harley-shag mullet-Americana revivalism trend the millennial version of gen x’s rockabilly phase?
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Something I think about every day is the one time a stranger on the internet told me that I look like Janice Griffith (I don’t) but the thought that Hasan Piker could potentially find me attractive really keeps me going in life.
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imagine her completely naked running straight into a table in front of everyone…… now what if I told you it actually happened
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I posted a pic in my scrubs and…. I’ve never had men flood my dms like this. Like, men who don’t ever reply to my stories. Long time listeners first time callers.
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I’ve had nothing but coffee and adderall and I got a job today so don’t try to tell me I’m not doing everything right.
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Well, I came on here to send a 3am horny tweet about Dustin Hoffman but apparently it’s my 10 year Twitter anniversary so I should maybe say something a bit more meaningful
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in the top straight up jorking it and by “it” haha well let’s just say my peanits sauce
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single handedly paying Adam Sandler’s mortgage with how often I come home from the bar and watch his movies
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I blacked out and took pics w this plastic mercedes star ………..
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I have not been able to capture my full beauty on camera tn and it’s driving me crazy like it’s just not translating it’s intangible
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I forgot I built an hibachi grill in the animal crossing expansion and called it Boston Market and I laugh every time I walk in
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I thought this was the sweetest thing I could get until I picked it up and found a BOTTLE OF VODKA
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Don’t talk to 𝓂𝑒 or m̸̨͓̔̑͝y̷̡̲͐ ̸̩͒͝s̶̯͚̀̀̕ǫ̵̬̑̾ǹ̷͔̄̈́
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Dude in first episode of 90 fiancé: I like foreign women because they have traditional values
Dude in fourth episode: why does she keep telling me to “be a man”
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went to CVS with my mom and the little old man behind the register pretended to have a heart attack and called me a cutie when he saw me
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I made $185 in tips tn and it wasn’t even actually busy. I love being hot.
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they gotta stop putting drugs that make you sentimental and horny in the watermelon slushies at The Top 🤨
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ppl in nyc will be like “sublet my apartment 2/29-2/30!”
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Bella Hadid paid so much money to look like me smh get well soon babe xx
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After trying to gently tell my mom to go to therapy today, I—the person who can’t commit to therapy—cried in the shower but couldn’t produce tears so now I just have a headache
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I don’t want to go to work I hate making cocktails like just order a fucking rum and coke PLEASE
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Last night I was drunk and did an impression of Kate Bush singing Prince and it was really good
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what do you think would happen to gwyneth paltrow if she ate biscuits and gravy
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can someone photoshop the Baldurs gate 3 logo to say baddies gate 3
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Stop letting people become realtors because it consumes their entire identity
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In grade school I didn’t have friends because I was weird and ugly but now I have so many friends because I’m weird and hot :)
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I didn’t even do any sightseeing on vacay, I just took pictures in my hinge dates’ cute flats
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I’m not saying I want my downstairs neighbor to die........... I’m just saying it would be a lot more quiet if they did
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My fav part of a relationship is when they said “I l🤢ve you” for the first time while they’re drunk and then I spend the rest of forever being too shy to ask if they still mean it sober
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I love having a half dead bf because I can sing “I think I pooped my pants but I’m too scared to check” and he just smiles and dances along
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I hung out with my 17 y/o sister and her friends and they told me that I remind them of “a cool substitute teacher” LMAO
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How do I drop hints to my bf that I want to see phantom of the opera on Broadway for my birthday in six months
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I wake up at 9am on days I have to work at 9pm but now that it’s my day off I can’t fall asleep. Here is my mini brie.
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this bartender working rn makes me wanna put my whole bare pussy on the bar
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crazy how nosferatu’s cast is just a list of people I would make out with
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"We're like, whatever. It's casual."
*plans Asheville vacation together*
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You can girlboss me, you can gatekeep me, but you will not gaslight me
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this is the second night I’ve been mysteriously nauseous wtf (and don’t try to say I’m pregnant bc it’s not possible)
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stfu about Taylor swift it’s MY BIRTHDAY not hers!!!!
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I Love a Mama’s Boy is the most insane reality show I’ve seen
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I’m like Matilda but instead of telekinesis I have a gun
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My bf gets grumpy at me for telling him not to sleep in his fucking dirty spandex bike bib LIKE IM SORRY I don't want your dick to fall off
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