Dane Cook
@DaneCook
Followers
2,588,470
Following
947
Media
1,587
Statuses
20,841
My Fresh New Flavor tour tix for this Sept thru Dec on sale now at my website!
Los Angeles, CA
Joined February 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Biden
• 3216483 Tweets
#MusicianLISAisBACK
• 1013395 Tweets
ROCKSTAR OUT NOW
• 942962 Tweets
Bolivia
• 672612 Tweets
JIMIN IS COMING
• 549880 Tweets
Bronny
• 473235 Tweets
Lebron
• 292592 Tweets
The Idea
• 201633 Tweets
POTUS
• 192388 Tweets
The Match
• 180074 Tweets
Golf
• 178846 Tweets
White House
• 145528 Tweets
Dana
• 128715 Tweets
Tapper
• 126569 Tweets
Dems
• 99325 Tweets
Uruguay
• 92496 Tweets
Panama
• 89997 Tweets
MSNBC
• 84265 Tweets
Newsom
• 67924 Tweets
Kennedy
• 64549 Tweets
Hillary
• 64484 Tweets
Brandon
• 64414 Tweets
Democrats
• 55353 Tweets
Black Jobs
• 52908 Tweets
Kamala
• 52099 Tweets
Charlottesville
• 49788 Tweets
Leah
• 47510 Tweets
The DNC
• 46587 Tweets
Medicare
• 46564 Tweets
Even CNN
• 34505 Tweets
#BINIVerse_TheFirstSoloConcert
• 29132 Tweets
#CXOXO
• 27025 Tweets
Denisse
• 26992 Tweets
バイデン
• 23442 Tweets
#VegIsPowerful
• 22739 Tweets
Bernie
• 19862 Tweets
土砂降り
• 19757 Tweets
Sleepy Joe
• 17948 Tweets
Jandrei
• 17168 Tweets
De La Cruz
• 17028 Tweets
#يوم_الجمعه
• 15175 Tweets
ALIBI OUT NOW
• 14734 Tweets
ルックバック
• 13179 Tweets
Michelle Obama
• 12767 Tweets
Van Jones
• 11212 Tweets
Bielsa
• 10073 Tweets
It’s weird to think if the whole world would just quarantine together, at the same time.. we could naturally crush covid -19 in under a month but instead we just keep passing it around ruining our lives, putting people in peril & creating a shitty mood generally, maybe forever.
432
2K
13K
I wanna share the voice texts I'm listening to that we were leaving each other this week. I'm laughing and crying. Im beyond sad. I can not believe this. I loved you Sag. We all did.
66
222
7K
Apple is removing the gun emoji.
What about my second amendment right to bear emoji arms?
50
3K
6K
I mean what the fuck else is gonna happen in 2020?
253
2K
5K
I’m so obsessed with
#GameOfThrones
that today I was introduced to someone who said, “I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time!”
Me: “Then bend the knee.”
62
595
5K
If Trump even tries to fuck with MySpace me and Tom will be waiting for him at the door with our top 8, HTML glitter codes & I'm gonna throw on my old boot cut Diesel jeans. Go to Friendster you awful President.
146
448
4K
"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."
- Robin Williams
50
3K
4K
I have a meeting TODAY to discuss the possibility of doing Employee of the Month 2 (essentially) with my friends at Lionsgate. Throw a LIKE if you, well, like this idea. RT it.. heart it.. share it.. I can show the powers that be how much people love this IP and would like to see
221
419
4K
Update: the fly on Pence head has passed away from Covid-19. He was 1 day old.
#VPDebate
#Debates2020
98
677
4K
People complaining about wearing a mask for a few minutes at a grocery store seem to forget we all saw you last Halloween with your “It” clown mask on, all damn night at that shitty party.
44
542
3K
RIP to the legend Carl Weathers. This moment, your delivery of it in Rocky inspired me the moment I heard it. I live my life by it. Your voice and performance gave me belief. I love you for that. Rest in peace & power man.
52
425
3K
To all the people that “don’t give a fuck”... can you please just maybe until we get past this pandemic give like “some fuck?”
56
579
3K
Abercrombie is so dark & loud I don't know if they're selling clothing or the girls from Taken.
116
6K
3K
51
5K
3K
Last night I married the girl of my dreams here in Hawaii. The greatest feeling in the world is knowing you’ve got the strongest person you could ever imagine by your side and giving them all of your love in return. The years of laughs, adventures and accomplishments we’ve shared
369
37
3K
Living life to the fullest. Tomorrow I’m getting married. I can’t tell you how blessed I feel. Love is the greatest ever. Try it!
295
40
3K
BREAKING NEWS: The United States officially changes it's National Anthem to Guns N' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle."
34
1K
3K
I believed my mom when she told me about the abuse she endured from her ex husband.
I believed a gf I had growing up when she confided in me about having been date raped.
#IBelieveTheWomen
126
187
3K
I've decided to keep everyone looped in in real time since this weekend the global
@AMCTheatres
supporters helped
@CEOAdam
and myself link up via X. I sent the email after a weekend of touring and am awaiting a reply. This is potentially massive moment for standup as well as for
369
605
3K
@daxshepard
I already got asked but I’m sure there is a villain role supporting me we could slot you in.
#howdareyou
90
78
3K
I’ve watched Dave Chappelle perform since I started in NYC back around 1994. He was the best then.. he’s the best now. Chappelle is the gold standard. From my perspective he is both parts Pryor & Carlin yet wholly original. Always fucking funny, insightful & a good guy.
39
196
2K
Text your ex right now and say, “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. Us breaking up was truly the right thing to do. If I never said it to you before.. thank you for the lessons learned.”
Send me screen captures.
392
212
2K
Trump just condemned the terror attack in Barcelona but I'm sure what he meant was there's fault on both sides filled with very fine people.
87
591
2K
I searched my name in GIFS.. this is the one that best sums up my 2020.
106
259
2K
If a girl likes you she'll show it by never showing it.
That's when you really know.
It could also mean she doesn't like you at all.
54
2K
2K
I will do that
@CEOAdam
-
Looking forward to chatting ways of continuing to bring new comedy endeavors coupled with
@AMCTheatres
, keeping the fans thrilled and of course meeting Nicole Kidman! Speak soon. And to all the
#AMCTheatres
fans thank you for making today a wonderful
Indeed I do read my Twitter feed
@DaneCook
. (I am old fashioned, I haven't adjusted yet to calling it my X feed.) Send me an email at aaron
@amctheatres
.com and give me both more details and contact information for you.
581
928
4K
247
523
2K
I found this pic of my mom today in the house I grew up in. She was so full of life.. so much spirit that even in death I feel the abundance of it surrounding me all the time. I think of her daily. I say stuff all the time that reminds me of my mom. She was also so fucking tough.
116
19
2K
MySpace is trending. Time for me to fire up my old Dell tower.. put on some boot cut jeans and own the matrix allllll over again.
60
116
2K
I feel bad for anyone who has not had a hug in over a month now.
144
183
2K
Destinee Mangum please stay strong and know that the people who lost their lives protecting you did so with love in their hearts.
10
416
2K
I applaud ABC for doing the right thing in a timely manner. I feel bad for the crew that depended on that gig financially. Summer months are hard to get jobs especially once you have relocated with your family.
Her comments are world class moron level.
74
194
2K
Before my mom passed away I sat with her and held her hand.. we talked about forgiveness for others who hurt us or people we love. I had been so badly abused verbally by people as a young person (social anxiety / introvert) I said “I forgive them all.” She looked & said..
51
81
2K
If you find a person that likes the same television shows as you - marry that motherfucker.
171
2K
2K
Do something hopeful today.
Listen to Tom Petty & while you do that DONATE anything you can to Puerto Rico.
In Vegas? DONATE blood.
15
523
2K
As I watched Dany burning Kings Landing to Hell I remembered it was Mother’s Day & felt a soft spot for her. She was the mother of two dragons that sadly passed. She was also not given sex that day & honestly that was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
47
273
2K
It's okay to feel down sometimes.
It's okay to let the bs overwhelm you so you can start to process it.
It's okay to stop and start again.
It's okay to be scared.
It's not okay to stop believing in yourself.
You can accomplish anything if you apply yourself and care for you.
57
542
2K
Typed my name into GIF - 3rd one is “you” drunk. This is perfect.
352
81
2K
I just want to say to Alex Trebek I know you can kick cancers ass. You are the true daily double and the ultimate Jeopardy! champion in my eyes.
Lots of positive energy coming your way from so many sir.
22
193
2K
Thank you Alec Baldwin for your service.. you can just leave the wig on the table and take that vaca you’ve earned.
25
89
2K
🔥🔥🔥
On Wednesday, AMC Entertainment reported 3rd quarter 2023 financial results that featured a net profit. Our Revenues and Adjusted EBITDA were the highest 3rd quarter numbers in AMC’s entire 103-year history. You can find the full report here: ..
1K
1K
4K
165
385
2K
Trump makes your embarrassing drunk uncle during the holidays look like a welcome guest.
44
440
2K
If you are struggling just know we all are. Don’t believe all the stuff you see online. It’s a lot of interesting stories provided to keep you clicking. See past it. Know that we all feel deeply and we all need acceptance. The journey of life is to find love and love it back.
59
352
2K
Everyone has a bottle of salad dressing in their refrigerator that's at least 6 years old.
Go look. I'm right.
185
162
2K
I want to say thank you to everyone who participated in this article. I’m so proud to have made it through an onslaught of spiraling out of control moments only to land on better ground with the greatest job on earth.
My
#TellItLikeItIsTour
- 1 week away!
174
157
2K
I hate politically correctness. It’s the worst thing ever. People need to laugh at traumatic situations.
Humor is the great equalizer.
298
217
2K
I don’t think
@CEOAdam
reads his X feed but if he wants to distribute the biggest comedy special of 2024 he should find me here. The final edit is overscaled 4k bc I shot if for the big screen. If not maybe
@elonmusk
wants to do the first direct premiere on X on New Years Eve? I
@DaneCook
@AMCTheatres
Have your people reach out to AMC Independent if they haven't.
Maybe
@CEOAdam
could help you with the process.
9
31
200
301
404
2K
Listening to saved voicemails from my mom & dad on my bday. I miss'em tons. I have so many incredible memories w/ them. Even the times that were tough I feel like we grew, learned, forgave & thrived because of. George & Donna. I love you & am enjoying my day with fam / friends.
74
28
2K
Sitting on my porch with my dog thinking of simpler times when Obama was still President a week ago.
67
347
2K
.
@MileyCyrus
you gotta work on those tan lines girl.
Your boobs look like two scoops of french vanilla ice cream.
247
2K
2K
If you’re single right now I just want you to take a deep breath and remember you could be quarantined & having massive arguments over who is using more toilet paper. Stay frosty singlets.
50
193
2K
I’ve loved Star Wars my whole life. I don’t care if a story isn’t what I want or need. I just appreciate the work that goes into making these stories and telling them.
#starwarsforever
57
124
2K
Dear all people working with customers.. you don’t have to say “sorry to keep you waiting how can I help you?”
You already are helping us. If anyone has a problem waiting a little longer well let me say what you can’t.. they can just fuck right off!
55
206
2K
If you have never seen this movie you are missing out. It’s funnier today because we are more politically bound up than ever. Watch it and just laugh it all out.
187
64
2K
Betty White is the greatest sitcom actress ever. Period. I worked with her on a series and was blown away by her.
#mygrandmother
39
84
2K
I'm coming back to Twitter..I'm giving it another go. The new measures to swat negative out of your timeline has me enthused. The ability to lock arms w/ strong creators, passionate journalists, gifted funny people.. spirited chats.. all that sounds fun again.
Hi, I'm Dane Cook!
286
48
2K
I would give up everything I’ve done the last 10 years, totally erase my brain, to have an hour back with my mom and dad tonight.
177
391
2K
I’ve already cleaned my whole house so today I’m breaking into other houses in my neighborhood & cleaning theirs while they are away.
129
90
2K
The fact that our military is shooting anything out of the sky using missiles and they’re not updating us in any way, shape or form is beyond concerning.
138
143
2K
We live in a time where information is at our fingertips yet there are more idiots walking around than ever before.
118
2K
1K
I stopped giving two fucks as I got older, these days I will lend one fuck but I need it back as soon as you are done with it.
51
339
2K
I don't understand why certain media outlets feel the need to share this piece of shit gunmans photo.
Why give him the fame and the outlet he urned for? Why spread his terror further?
I'm sickened for the people that were killed while trying to find peace.
70
137
1K
Listen to me right now.......
we get it....... you have a great idea for an April fools joke.
Don’t fucking do it. It’s not funny.
You’re welcome.
48
246
2K
I’ve created a career out of nothing but the thoughts in my head. If you have something on your mind.. it’s probably best to get it off your mind and into the real world.
In 29 years of stand up I’ve never not created. I’ve never stopped trying and competing.
I won’t.
85
99
1K