Tam Yajia
@DancesWithTamis
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66,869
Following
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Media
1,637
Statuses
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Pinned Tweet
Whenever the word chorizo is said on any movie or tv show ever, I wrote that
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Everyone talking about how Ted Bundy was hot needs to take a look at this photo of non murderer Bruce Lee
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1st tattoo: a quote from Dante’s inferno it symbolizes man’s attraction to sin and transgression
30th tattoo: a salami and it represents a salami
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Once I took acid and thought I was able to see farts but it was a friend shitting on the ground
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What are you fucking talking about
Who will win the World Cup?
A child who believes in a peaceful world.
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If i had a dick the first thing i’d do is put a donut around it
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Walked in on my husband reading an actual newspaper on the toilet and he looked up at me and said “Lil Peep died.”
He died in 2017.
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Joe Biden looks like the kind of dude who goes fucking nuts when Sweet Caroline comes on at a wedding
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My 80 yr old great aunt just left her 87 y/o husband, mid pandemic, after catching him fingering their maid. My strong queen.
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Hello, it is i, person who used to be funny and is now a constant source of depressing information
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one time I ruined a dinner party by taking a pregnancy test as a joke and getting a false positive
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I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
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I wore a button up dress
To work
But missed a button
Where the vagina area is
And my coworkers
Saw
my pubes
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My favorite people are the ones who answer “bad” when you ask them how their day is going
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When i was in college i forgot to do an assignment for creative writing class so i translated a Shakira song into a poem and it was published in the school paper
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Garfield would fucking destroy Kermit the frog In a fight
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Hey u 👿sexy little 🙀bag of cocks🍆🍆🍆it's the 280🌭character hoe💦. Queen 👑of cucumbers 🥒and of sluts👨👦👦. If you👈🏽are reading 👉🏻this it means 🏃🏻you are in 280 character land 🌎you big 🐂chunk of piece of shit💩.Spread the news 📞to other nasty 🕳hoes. 8======D~~
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Mark Wahlberg: $30k for one day of work.
Michelle Williams: $1k for one day of work.
Garfield: $0 for having worked every day for almost 40 years, and probably until the end of time, as Garfield never dies, AND he has to do all of this while suffering from severe depression.
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A douchebag in an orange lamborghini just cat called me and i happened to have a box of pizza on my passenger seat so i grabbed a slice and threw it in his car
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I would pay a large amount of money to watch Bloomberg attempt to do a load of laundry
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If the pee tape gets released we should project it on the moon for the entire country to watch together.
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Biggest fears ranked:
1- I
2- Fear
3- Nothing
4- For
5- Death
6- Is
7- Unavoidable
8- Touching a pigeon
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masturbating is crazy you just poke or tug at your genitalia and a sauce comes out
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Mitch McConnell is patriotic in the same way that mambo number 5 is an ode to women
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This country could really use a bigfoot sighting right now
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I think no one should host the Oscars just have a hand sticking through a hole throw the awards at people
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"Hola! I'm Señor Coconut, children"
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
"Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"
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I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck
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George, my buddy, it's been so long my close best friend. Here i am.
George Clooney Gifted Each of His 14 Best Friends $1 Million, According to Rande Gerber
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so I got a job at the local butcher and I rented my own apt by age 10. I never asked anyone for a penny. My parents however are criminals
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There‘s two types of people:
-The basic ones that think the Enya song is called ‘Sail away’
-The wise ones who know it’s actually called ‘Orinoco Flow’
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Radiohead's album ok computer explores the controversial idea that it's ok to be on the computer
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Last year i was watching the emmys from my bedroom, this year i’m watching them from my living room. i can’t believe how far i’ve come.
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Racism, misogyny and treason won’t make people change their mind about Trump but an expensive soy bean might
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My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
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Why send sexy pics to dudes for validation when you can update your FB photo and instantly get hundreds of compliments from your middle aged aunts
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Got my period while watching idris elba on snl, my eggs were like bye bye bitch we’re not fertilizing anyone’s sperm that isn’t that
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Tonight is my wedding anniversary. First, me and my husband watched Caddyshack, then he read me the Rodney Dangerfield wikipedia from start to finish, and now we will go have anal.
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Adam Levine should have removed his skin and muscles and ended the show with his skeleton exposed
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I just masturbated while watching Who’s Line Is it Anyway and that means I’ve hit rock bottom or reached a state of enlightenment
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Im from Argentina where in the 70s protestors were pulled into unmarked cars and never turned up again
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This old lady's photo is stuck on my screen and she's been looking at me while I'm on the Internet all day
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Hello everyone this is the Argentine knockoff of ET. His name was “Monguito.” Have a great day.
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remembering when mario batalli got me too’d and issued an apology that included a pizza dough cinnamon roll recipe
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When a guy tries to fuck me without sucking my titties first
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Ever since I started looking at my ass in the mirror instead of my face, I’ve been less sad
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i live a few houses away from Skrillex and someone graffitied this near his place lmfaooo
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At this very moment, all the Sesame Street characters are extremely still and lifeless with their eyes wide open
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Racism
What's behind Trump's concern for white farmers in South Africa? | Analysis by CNN's Z. Byron Wolf
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Any person that claps for anything Trump says should have to hold a turd with their bare hand for at least an hour
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
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"What is a Grand Jury?" are the most googled words today, surpassing yesterday's most googled words "Is Stephen Miller a hardboiled egg?"
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TWITTER 2015: that's a well crafted joke
TWITTER 2017: that's a fascinating political thread
TWITTER TODAY: That's an empty timeline oh I've muted everyone
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Lol my mom has fought with so many of her friends that this picture is just of her w/ a bunch of no headed ladies
http://t.co/i1AlH3Troz
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direct deposit: $1400
me: how much is a boob job
surgeon: $2800
me: I'll take one big tit
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I hate it when men tattoo their chests but go around the nipple, like you got a tattoo of a lion to symbolize bravery but you can't handle the touch of a needle on your tiny pepperonis
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Roger Stone 100% sprays cologne directly onto his penis
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The claps in the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. song should have been screams
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How much fun are you gonna have this weekend? I'm gonna have 4 funs. My wild friend wants to have 10 funs and my depressed friend only 1 fun
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I wish a shark would bite me but like a tiny little bite so I could be like “I was bitten by a shark” and get a shitload of attention
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Whenever someone makes me feel like i’m a shitty writer i remind myself that i wrote this
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He actually paid $0 in taxes for a bunch of years, and we’re freaking out over the year he paid $750.
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I’d rather rip all my smoke detectors from their sockets and burn alive in a fire than replace their batteries
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I wear short skirts to attract male attention but also to give my turds easy and direct access to the ground
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whoever said fashion post pandemic was dead is a fucking idiot
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me and my sister found out we had hooked up with the same guy after describing a sexual experience with someone whose balls smelled like baby powder and had a tattoo of two raccoons kissing
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not wearing pants on zooms is a thing of the past, it’s time to start showing titties.
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What did pizza rat do, eat a fucking pizza? Fuck that hipster rat. Ratatouille discovered ceviche and Feivel ran a successful whorehouse
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My favorite part of boxing is when they hug for a little bit in between punches
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Watching the Met Gala like oh shit my parents can't afford their health insurance
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I farted while masturbating and now I feel like I’ve reached a whole new level of self intimacy
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Republicans may as well just cancel the entire health care system and shoot band aids at Americans from a big ass catapult
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Not sure what’s sadder, that I showed a bouncer my Costco card instead of my ID, or that he looked at it and let me in
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there’s one thing i’m certain of in this life, and that’s that Javier Bardem has a gorgeous, thick penis, girthy like a can of creamed corn
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I just told my mom she looks like Magda from something about Mary and she answered “you look like Ben Stiller’s testicle when it got caught in the zipper.” The bitch destroyed me.
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