Dan Amira
@DanAmira
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Head writer, Daily Show. RT = Randy Travis. All opinions expressed here reflect the views of Randy Travis. iamdanamira @gmail .com
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نيوكاسل
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#ItalianGP
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#TheTraineeSeriesEP10
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#光る君へ
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India Will Become A Vishwaguru
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BIGBANG
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Oscar
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TLP HAIRPIN OF LOVE
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Leclerc
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Lando
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Norris
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#ปิ่นภักดิ์EP5
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McLaren
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Ferrari
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#ブラックペアン
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Piastri
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プロジェクトKV
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ブルアカ
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Sainz
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wrwrd
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Pinned Tweet
This is a piece I wrote for the New Yorker about all the sick fucks who can’t stop thinking about the Roman Empire
8:30 a.m.—I hop on the L train for my commute to work.
8:32 a.m.—It occurs to me that if the L were a subway in the Roman Empire it would be called the 50 train. I chuckle.
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Weird that Dr. Fauci has worked under 6 presidents and has never needed a security detail before
Once an avid runner, Dr. Anthony Fauci, now 79, power walks. Since receiving death threats, he is now accompanied by a security detail.
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Can’t believe the creators of the monster have lost control of the monster, is there any precedent for this in books or film
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REAL men don’t need a MASK when we go to the store because we’re not SCARED. All we need is an ASSAULT RIFLE and maybe a ROCKET LAUNCHER in case the YOGURT tries anything STUPID
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I used to think the government was bad, but now I think it is good
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I decided today that I’m going to see if I can find the restaurant with the highest number of brothers. I am on strike and have nothing better to do with my time. Please join me.
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JORAH: I'll lead the first charge.
BRIENNE: I'll command the left flank.
GREY WORM: The Unsullied shall protect the gate.
BRAN: How cool would it be to fly around and just do like, general bird stuff
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Trump is stone cold sober but all his ideas sound like something you come up with when you’re super high:
- we should just nuke the hurricanes
- how much would it cost to buy Greenland
- hear me out: SPACE FORCE
- fuck it let’s order 600 burgers
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I swear if Trump randomly, like, tripped on a squirrel or something we'd find an old tweet of his saying only fat losers trip on squirrels
The President must get Congressional approval before attacking Syria-big mistake if he does not!
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In 1980 Trump demolished two historic sculptures bc removing them intact would have delayed construction of Trump Tower by a week and a half
...the beauty that is being taken out of our cities, towns and parks will be greatly missed and never able to be comparably replaced!
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Kamala is absolutely a DEI hire:
-Democrat who
-Exists
-In the context of all in which she lives and what came before her
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If you ever doubt that you can change your path in life, just remember that this person went on to become the Senate's top defender of hedge funders and private equity
#inspiring
#inspiration
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RESEARCHER: In front of you is one marshmallow. But if you can wait 15 minutes, I'll give you--
TRUMP: (eats marshmallow and researcher)
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I’m scared. I wish I never started this. I want it to be over. This is a cursed thread.
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Save this tweet: Trump will come out within the next 48 hours and play the hero by calling for Stars and Stripes to be saved, while tweeting something like “Nobody supports our troops more than Trump!”
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Why a couple earning $500,000 a year can still find it hard to get by
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Gonna spend the rest of my life searching for a 16 Brothers deli and also terrified that I might find it
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Maybe there is no upper limit to restaurant brothers. Maybe it’s infinite. Maybe we aren’t meant to know.
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TRUMP: The hand towels on Air Force One aren't soft enough
WHITE WORKING CLASS: This guy gets me.
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If you use a dollar sign you don't need to also write the word "dollars." The dollar sign means dollars.
Because of the $700 & $716 Billion Dollars gotten to rebuild our Military, many jobs are created and our Military is again rich. Building a great Border Wall, with drugs (poison) and enemy combatants pouring into our Country, is all about National Defense. Build WALL through M!
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Canada signed the wrong line on the Japanese WWII surrender document and now it looks like shit, thanks Canada
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Mexican directors have won 5 of the last 6 Oscars for Best Director. Pretty wild.
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I have no idea if replacing Biden will work but it is increasingly clear that not replacing Biden will not work
NEW:
@CookPolitical
is shifting six Electoral College ratings towards Republicans.
AZ: Toss Up to Lean R
GA: Toss Up to Lean R
MN: Likely D to Lean D
#NE02
: Likely D to Lean D
NH: Likely D to Lean D
NV: Toss Up to Lean R
Full analysis by
@amyewalter
:
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Just remember: whoever tweets the verdict first will be remembered in history forever. Good luck everyone.
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The governor of Florida left his beaches open for spring break, against the advice of everyone, and now he's blaming his state's coronavirus outbreak on (spins wheel) New York
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Getting a lot of “Prigozhin stopping short of Moscow” vibes from Congressional Democrats right now
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When Donald Trump calls your wife ugly and accuses your dad of killing JFK and you speak at his convention anyway
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I think I’m stuck again. Please, everyone, I am putting out a worldwide call for some kind of food establishment involving 18 Brothers. It can be a restaurant, a deli, a food truck, a caterer, whatever. I need this. I can’t go back to the way things were. We’ve come too far.
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“Actually there is no heaven. When you die you just rot in the ground and get eaten by worms. Okay Merry Christmas, Timmy.”
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I hadn’t seen this full Giuliani quote from May. It’s pretty wild. He just states the whole thing out loud.
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Biden needs to start tweeting every day like Trump used to—
LOW UNEMPLOYMENT. 14 MILLION NEW JOBS. DEFEATED INFLATION AND MADE “SOFT LANDING,” THE BIDEN-HATING MEDIA SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE. STOCK MARKET AT ALL TIME HIGHS. YOU’RE WELCOME! ENJOY YOUR 401K!
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Sucks that Joe Rogan has been canceled. Will be interesting to hear what he says about it to his 11 million listeners the next time he hosts the world’s most popular podcast
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Imagine explaining to a child refugee that the richest strongest country in the world is scared to let him inside. We're pathetic.
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How come when celebrities drink at the Golden Globes it's "fun" and "humanizing" but when I drink it's "scaring the other IKEA customers"?
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Btw I heard about this on
@planetmoney
, which, if you didn't already know, is the best podcast
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He's great he's great he's great he's great he's great he's great highly overrated
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It’s a gift and a curse
The United States of America will NOT be cutting funding to
@starsandstripes
magazine under my watch. It will continue to be a wonderful source of information to our Great Military!
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(guy who learned what Bagram was 40 seconds ago)
I can’t believe we didn’t keep Bagram. What a classic blunder. Unfathomable to not keep Bagram.
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After spending all last night fever-dreaming about brothers, I woke up this morning hoping for some solid brother leads, and Twitter did not disappoint. But whether they qualify is another question. Let’s start with 18 Hermanos in Mexico
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*Tim Duncan fills glass with milk*
"Hm, you know what..."
*adds squirt of chocolate syrup*
"Tonight's a special night."
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WHOA, Steve Bannon is now on the senate floor sucking himself off, I think this is a good omen
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For a long time the smoke detector was silent and then all of a sudden it starts beeping, this is why smoke detectors are bad
Trump: Katie, she tested very good for a long period of time and then all of the sudden today she tested positive... This is why the whole concept of tests aren’t necessarily great
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I just don't think dogs should be making tax policy, I'm sorry
Major Biden tax hikes eyed for next bill (not final) include:
- Corporate rate 21->28%
- Global min tax to 21%
- Top income rate to 39.6%
- End fossil fuel subsidies
- Tax investment gains > $1M as wage income
- Tax assets passed on at death
NO to SALT
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Racial disparities aside, the idea that it's beneficial to society to lock someone up -- black or white -- for 5 years, break up a family for 5 years, foot the bill for 5 years of prison, all for one accidental vote, is so insane it makes me want to walk straight into the sea
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Dude in the last Christmas song gave his heart to someone who gave it away literally the NEXT DAY. Didn’t even need to mull it over, just got rid of it immediately. How do you misjudge a situation that badly
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The woman who got the heavy prison sentence broke the law accidentally. The woman who got no prison time broke the law on purpose.
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It took Trump longer to condemn the riots than it took Axe body spray
We'd rather be lonely than with that mob. AXE condemns yesterday's acts of violence and hate at the Capitol. We believe in the democratic process and the peaceful transition of power.
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Time for Mike Pence to step up for the country and play 4 rounds of golf this weekend
Tonight,
@FLOTUS
and I tested positive for COVID-19. We will begin our quarantine and recovery process immediately. We will get through this TOGETHER!
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You can tell when Trump did something bad because everyone in your feed starts using the phrase "the republic"
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Nobody who spent this much time around bongo drums had ever gone on to devote their life to the carried interest loophole, it's historic
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Your wife is waiting for you to die RT
@realDonaldTrump
I love watching the dishonest writers
@NYMag
suffer the magazine’s failure.
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Dr. Phil’s house looks like if the Temple of Doom had a lobby bar
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The year is 2046. After decades of each party refusing to confirm the other's nominees, the Supreme Court consists entirely of Elena Kagan.
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Imagine the recount actually gives the election to Hillary. I'd get on a boat and sail into the ocean and stay there until the war was over.
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As Team Clinton talks up potential landslide, please remember that this is the defining clip of the 2016 election
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They already had a voice. They elected Obama.
McConnell: “The American people should have a voice ...vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President.”
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Another intriguing option is 18 Brothers Hookah Bar. At first glance this seems like a winner, but again, when this started I was looking for restaurants. Many hookah bars do serve food, but it’s not clear if this one does.
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A huge part of America's labor shortage is people quitting their jobs so they can be available in case JFK Jr. comes back to life in the middle of a weekday
It's now past 12:29. At 12:29, the crowd recited the Pledge if Allegiance. No JFK Jr. yet.
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"So you're telling me the JFK investigation is over but the Trump investigation is still ongoing? How is this possible?" -- John McCain
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Gingrich is ready to ditch the Constitution like it’s a sick wife
So on Fox Gingrich advises President Trump to have Bill Barr arrest election workers in Pennsylvania and then have the state legislature throw out the results of the election.
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The AP: Yo did you hear about that baby walrus who got cuddles
Me: No
The AP: He died.
A walrus calf that was found miles from the ocean on Alaska’s North Slope and received cuddles as part of his care after being rescued has died.
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🚨Attention procrastinators🚨
If you’re not registered to vote, you can do it ON Election Day in:
California
Colorado
Connecticut
D.C.
Hawaii
Idaho
Illinois
Iowa
Maine
Maryland
Michigan
Minnesota
Montana
Nevada
New Hampshire
R.I.
Utah
Vermont
Washington
Wisconsin
Wyoming
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18 Hermanos does produce eggs, which is food. But it doesn’t look like they SERVE food, and I think that’s the bare minimum we’re looking for here. So unfortunately I don’t think this counts. Adios.
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This photo makes it look like Prince William came to America to get a hair transplant and it went really badly and nobody is telling him
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The Metropolitan Museum of Art was stunned. They had hoped to add the sculptures to its collection. "They'll never be made again."
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Their Instagram page seems to be their only internet footprint and it’s almost entirely just photos of hookahs. According to the bio you can rent it for a birthday party or marriage party but maybe you’d have to bring in outside food? I will report back if I find out more
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