DaddyJew
@DaddyJew
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41,396
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1,452
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62
Statuses
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Pinned Tweet
In what fucking world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
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The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
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This place gives me the creeps
Sir, this is IHOP
Whoops sorry, this place gives me the crêpes
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Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that's for sure
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Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle
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First rule of cuddle club: It better lead to sex or you're out of the cuddle club
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Me: i'll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you're pretty
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I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?
Me: *spinning around in the chair* I dunno, focusing maybe
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Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I'd rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
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Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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Dating is just slowly revealing how horrible of a human being you are to one another
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*puts on lotion
*tries to turn the doorknob
[30 minutes later]
Fuck it, this is where I live now.
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Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What's important is that you're rich & you have a giant castle
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I'll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
"So you want a cheeseburger?"
Yes but when you bring it to me say here's your salad
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Drugs don't kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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"But dad, I don't wanna go to the party"
"God damnit son, the Beastie Boys fought for your right to party. You're going"
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I hate when mother fuckers roll up on me while im sleeping and say shit like "Daddy its wake up time"
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If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it'd be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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Guests: I brought you some non-alcoholic wine
Me: oh excellent *pours it down the sink without breaking eye contact*
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I don't workout to stay fit. I don't workout to be healthy. I don't workout to look good. Basically what im saying is I don't workout.
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Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.
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Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I'm working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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I sure do spend a lot of time checking my phone for someone who never talks to anyone.
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Trainer: alright so how fit do you wanna get?
Me: just lookin to carry chicks from room to room during sex
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Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that's how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I'm not stupid.
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When you catch someone picking their nose it's important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
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"Daddy, I wanna be like you when I grow up"
"You better hope your mother doesn't hear you say that"
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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
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"Daddy, what happens when we die?"
"You get married and have kids"
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Gf: not everything has to be a tweet just so you know
Me: im tweeting that
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Oh, you're in love? That's cool. I just found a half open bag of Doritos in my car. So yea, same boat.
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Well thank you auto correct for changing "I wish you were here" to "I wish you were her". I didn't wanna have sex anyways.
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Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:...
M: alright yea im a lil high
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Me: are you hitting on me?
Employee: sir I'm just putting bacon on your cheeseburger
Me: *starts undressing*
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Star Wars is my favorite movie about how everyone can tolerate a little bit of incest as long as you save the galaxy
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Me; why are you so mad?
Gf: *pouring gasoline all over me* who said I was mad?
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Waitress: what can I get for you?
Me: i'll have the steak
W: how would you like it?
Me: immediately
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The most terrifying people are the ones that can just flick a switch and turn their feelings off
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I sure am glad I pay a couple hundred bucks each month for cable so I can have background noise while I stare at my phone
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Bring a dildo to a knife fight. Nobody fucks with the guy who pulls out an 18 inch dildo from his ass and licks it
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Cop: license and-
Me: registration! aww we're already finishing each other's sentences
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Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
Don't spill it
My kitchen now has a lake
- me trying to fill up my ice trays
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I'm at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think 'bingo
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Sex with some people can make you feel like you're in Paradise. Sex with others, Detroit.
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[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don't do anything stupid
"Well which one is it?"
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When a female asks, what are you thinking? That's a trick question. Shut up and ask her how she got so beautiful.
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A couch potato sounds delicious. But I'm not getting up to make it.
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If you give a man a fish he'll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
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*sends filthiest raunchiest most perverse sext ever*
*continues building Lego fort with kid*
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My girlfriend and I love to play hide-n-seek. She's been hiding for 10,922 days straight. She's so silly.
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If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store I'm going to hit on you
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Boss: are you drunk?
Me: if I was drunk could I do this?
*falls down a flight of stairs
Me: yea I guess I am drunk
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It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little weirdos.
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
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Regardless of how many followers you have you're not famous and you're not important. This is Twitter, we're all losers here.
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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90% of adulthood is just realizing how good you had it as a kid
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Welcome to Subway, try some of our freshly grilled chicken strips completely overlooking the fact that we don't even have a grill
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Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: go home and take a nap
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: take lots of naps
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Any room can be a panic room if she tells you "we need to talk"
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In my mind I say "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" but it usually just comes out "Look bitch, I don't give a fuck. Eat a dick"
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We all just want someone who gets us without having to Google our movie references
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Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to be sleeping wrong.
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HOT SINGLE WOMEN IN YOUR AREA WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR DAY
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