The Dad Joke Man
@DadJokeMan
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Jokes, puns & funny stuff which makes me laugh & hopefully others too! Not always original, just trying to get through life with a smile!
England, United Kingdom
Joined August 2016
When you’ve finished your shift at The Louvre and are heading home.
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David Beckham's 2nd son arrived at training for Brentford, he asked the coach "What number shirt am I?". The coach said "Wear four out there Romeo…”.
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To the person who stole my trainers and hi-viz jacket. You can run, but you can't hide.
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And the ‘Most British piece of vandalism’ award goes to.
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I was doing a crossword in the pub and said to my Scottish friend;.“I'm stuck on one, ‘trapped on a desert island, eight letters, starting with M’ “. He said “Marooned”. I replied “Thanks, I'll have a pint of lager then !”. #StAndrewsDay.
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They shouldn’t mess with Celebrations by taking Bounty’s out, these kind of things upset people…. I swapped the wrappers around once and my wife really got her Snickers in a Twix.
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Absolutely no more Suez Canal jokes. That ship has sailed.
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I met a Dalek in the pub who claimed he was from Devon so I asked him “Whereabouts in Devon are you from mate ?”. He replied “EXETER MATE! EXETER MATE!”. #DoctorWhoDay.
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My dad used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more". Great bloke. Terrible anaesthetist. .
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Selling my old camouflage gear. Serious offers only, no time wasters.
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I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…. Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
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I once sat next to a very pushy insurance salesman at a Robbie Williams gig. And through it all, he offered me protection. .
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Diana Ross just tried to push in the queue! . I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait. ”. #TheQueue #QueueWatch.
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Lord Nelson was about 5ft 6. His statue is 17ft 4. That’s Horatio of about 3:1. #TrafalgarDay.
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The Stranglers popped round and have eaten all my chocolates!
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How did Mary and Joseph get their groceries delivered?. On a Lidl donkey. 🎄. #SundayMorning.
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BREAKING NEWS!. Boy George has been attacked by a lizard on ‘I’m a Celebrity’. They should have got a calmer chameleon. #ImACeleb.
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A priest, a rabbit and a minister walked into a bar. The rabbit says “I think I might be a typo. ”. #thursdaymorning.
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Now that the clocks have gone back, I’ve put up a marquee in my garden with flashing lights and funky music. Is this the winter of my disco tent?. #ShakespeareSunday.#clocksgoback.
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Last year I got booed by my family and friends because the fireworks I lit went off in the wrong sequence. Bang out of order. #fridaymorning.
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My wife is leaving me because she says I am obsessed with ‘Line of Duty’. For the benefit of the tape, she’s just left the house with her suitcase. .
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I would like to congratulate my niece on passing her mouth organ A-Level music exam. Well done our Monica👍. #AlevelResults.
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I've recently learned the difference between some of the Arab states…. Qatar don't show the Flintstones on TV, but Abu Dhabi do.
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I once bought a dog off a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door. .
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It’s so hot today, I’ve had to stand in the shade for a while…
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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night. I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen. #Tellajokeday #NationalTellAJokeDay.
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I was once in a band called ‘The Radiators’, we were a warm up act. Then I joined ‘The Duvets’, we mainly did covers. After that, I was in an outfit called ‘Cats Eyes’, mostly middle of the road stuff. Now I'm in a group called ‘Missing Cat’, you may have seen our posters. .
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Dads watching kids open Christmas presents from ‘Mum & Dad’ when they have no idea what it is they have bought them…
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Last year I opened the door to a kid doing ‘trick or treat’ in a Gloria Gaynor mask!. At first I was afraid. #Halloween.#halloween2022.
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BREAKING NEWS!.A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it's load on the M1. Police are reporting cues in both directions.
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I'm looking to buy an old lighthouse. Nothing flashy.
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I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but no one ever mentions his sister, Carrie, the inventor of singing badly in pubs….
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BREAKING NEWS!.Cadbury's have just delivered a giant chocolate bar to The Bank of England. It’s a massive Boost for the economy.
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My grandparents were named Pearl and Dean . But we called them grandma and grandpapapapapapapapapapapaa. .
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I went into the newsagents and asked the guy for a Twirl and a Boost…. He span round and said “You look fantastic, have you lost weight ?”. #Fridaymorning.
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I went to see a UB40 tribute act called ‘WD40’ last night. They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on….
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If I owned a German car dealership in Texas I would definitely call it “Audi Partner”. .
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Typical!.No one turned up at Camouflage Club. Again!.
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"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a supermarket". "How long have you felt like this?". "Ever since I was Lidl". #Tuesdaymorning.
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I've bought a private number plate;. BAA BAA . It's for my black Jeep. .
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I went to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a screwdriver. Turned a few heads….
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I know the rain is bad today but I think this picture may have been orcastrated…
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So my silly account has somehow got to 100,000 followers which is just insane! 🙈😂 Thank you for your support and for all the replies, banter and good, clean fun! I do enjoy trying to give Twitter something to smile about….
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I once made a belt decorated with herbs from my garden. That was a waist of thyme. .
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I met my wife at a Scrabble tournament 20 years ago. Next week we are going to renew our vowels. #SaturdayMorning.
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‘Matt Hancock and I both love soccer, our favourite player is Daniel Rashford and we look forward to seeing him score a century at Wimbledon’
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Day 15 of quarantine. I’ve kidnapped a large bird and am holding it ostrich in a piece of wood. #MondayMotivaton #StayHome
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Growing up my parents played Madness and The Specials constantly every day. Ska’d me for life. #SaturdayMorning.
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I got knocked off my bike by a council lorry preparing the road for cold weather. "Why don't you look where you're going!" I shouted through gritted teeth. #Wednesdaymorning.
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I had a dream last night that I was vacuuming with the Grim Reaper. I was Dyson with death. .
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I'm convinced my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapons collection…. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
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BREAKING NEWS! .Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow. So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99. #NewYear2023.
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Sad news, the inventor of the protractor has passed away. He’s with the angles now. .
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I taught my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. We went from Barking to Tooting in half an hour. #LondonUnderground #Wednesdaymorning.
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Did you know that if you have a breakdown in an electric car you can still use the AA…. However if it's a small electric car you have to use the AAA.
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So I was in the chemist and I said to the assistant “What gets rid of all bacteria and germs?”. She said "Ammonia cleaner.". I said "Oh sorry, I thought you worked here. ”.
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I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many”. “That one is a freebie”.
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I was in London the other day when an American tourist stopped me and asked me the best way to Selfridges. I told him probably to put them on eBay. .
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Dung beetle walks into a bar and says “Is this stool taken ?”.
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If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for a Christmas gift,.get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it…. 🎄.
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BREAKING NEWS!.Storm Ciaran has blown the roof off our local cheese factory. There's de brie everywhere. #storm #StormCiaran.
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"Lucy, in the sky, with diamonds.”. John Lennon was rubbish at Cluedo.
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My wife says I'm tight, so to prove her wrong I’m taking her out for tea and biscuits today. It should be quite exciting as she's never given blood before. #MondayMorning.
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