Countess of Essex
@CountessWEssex
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Following
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Ex Playboy glamour model. Mother of six married to a father of none (thanks to a low sperm Count). Blocked by Pam Ayres & soon to publish 'The Countess Diaries'
Essex
Joined July 2013
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Pinned Tweet
People often want to know if I'm really a woman. I find this somewhat disheartening especially when they stop me in the street and ask.
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A SMALL FAVOUR: Could you please ‘Like’ this in order that I can see who and how many actually read my Tweets. This will help me decide whether to continue or not. Thank You.
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My humour has been washed away by tears following the death of my Mum earlier today so please excuse a break in my tweets.
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People often want to know if I'm really a woman. I find this somewhat disheartening especially when they stop me in the street and ask.
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Bit of confusion at the House of Lords Christmas Party last night as to who was supposed to be Santa.
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A recently discovered picture of St. George shows how the reporting of his conflict was greatly exaggerated.
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I have just been down to our church where the strong winds have blown over one of the gravestones. We were all quite upset until we realised that our dear departed postman, Ted Linctus, had finally got his wish and found himself on top of Lilly Spinks from the fish shop.😊
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May I take this opportunity to wish all of you smashers A Very Happy Smashing Christmas and offer an extra Thank You to all those that have taken the time to follow me and those who respond with likes and retweets to my tomfoolery. Have a great day to tomorrow. ✋️
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May I take this opportunity to wish all you smashers who follow me ( and ok those rascals who don’t ) a Very Happy Christmas. Thank you for your continued support (not applicable to the rascals) and for joining in the tomfoolery (also not applicable). You make it all worthwhile👍
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As you’ve probably gathered I have decided to take a break so may I take this opportunity to wish you a safe Christmas and, hopefully, a happier New Year than this one turned out to be. Take care and smile whenever you can. 😉✋️
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An unsettling standoff occurs when the RAC and AA both arrive at the same time.
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Professional cake and tart pioneer, Bob Bakewell, has a sudden moment of inspiration.
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Professional cake and tart pioneer, Bob Bakewell, has a sudden moment of inspiration.
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Once again my exhibit for this years Chelsea Flower Show has been rejected.
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I would, once again, like to thank all those who have decided to follow me especially the ones who take the time to like and/or retweet my nonsense it really does make it all worthwhile and encourages me to continue. 😊👍
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People often want to know if I'm really a woman. I find this somewhat disheartening especially when they stop me in the street and ask.
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The Count cycled down to the off license an bought a bottle of scotch. He placed it in the bikes basket but then realised that it would break if he fell off so decided to drink it all there and then. This proved to be a wise decision because he fell off 8 times on the way home.
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So a train company has been fined £1m following the unfortunate death of a commuter because the sign warning passengers not to stick their head out of the window wasn’t prominent enough. Shouldn’t the sign irrespective of size be considered secondary to common sense? 🤔
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if you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks
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My audition for ‘The Great British Bake Off’ didn’t go well. 😕
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A Very Happy New Year to all of you smashers out there ( except for those who decided to unfollow me during the past 12 months ). Here’s hoping we can find plenty to smile, chuckle or laugh about in the coming year. 😊👍
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A Countess Tip: Try not to sneeze whilst holding a box of grass seed.
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During these troubled times I’ll continue to persevere with my tomfoolery in the hope that it raises the occasional smile, grin, titter, guffaw or maybe even some laughter. If I haven’t succeeded with you the person reading this then, hopefully, some other jester on here has.😊
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A Countess Tip: Try not to sneeze whilst holding a box of grass seed.
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Just to say a big THANK YOU to you all for staying with the good ship ‘Countess’ during even more stormy waters. Several disembarked yesterday & have now been blocked for their own safety. I can’t promise plain sailing from now on but who wants predictability? On with the humour.
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A Countess Tip: Try not to sneeze whilst holding a box of grass seed.
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PLEASE NOTE: Our gift shop will continue to sell key rings depicting the sheep, cows and horses on our farm but due to a misunderstanding with our suppliers the cock rings have now been removed. We do apologise for any embarrassment caused. Thank you.
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A Countess Tip: Try not to sneeze whilst holding a box of grass seed.
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So this weeks Euro Million Jackpot is £140m. How about letting 140 people each win £1m instead?
#greed
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If you are reading this then the following is for you:
Thank you for sticking with me despite my occasional rant even when it may differ from your own opinion an opinion that I respect as much as you do mine.
And on that unusually serious note I shall bid you Goodnight 😉✋️
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PLEASE NOTE: Our gift shop will continue to sell key rings depicting the sheep, cows and horses on our farm but due to a misunderstanding with our suppliers the cock rings have now been removed. We do apologise for any embarrassment caused. Thank you.
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It was so hot yesterday the Count opened the freezer door and stood there completely naked ......so now we’re banned from Sainsburys too.
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Thank you all so much for your Best Wishes and Condolences. I wish I could reply to them all which I can’t but I promise to read everyone of them. Thank you again.
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Just spent another smashing day in what is known for some reason as ‘Constable Country’ and once again I am left wondering as to why nobody has ever painted this lovely scene. It would look smashing on biscuit tins, jigsaws and table mats. 🤔
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To answer why I was considering leaving it was because some of the tweets I was receiving made me feel uncomfortable about pretending to be a female ( yes I’m a male for those not in on the ‘joke’). If you’re happy, now knowing this, for me to continue then I’m happy to do so.
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It was just 5 minutes later when George Glory thought of a more pleasurable use for his patented invention.
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Some of our staff enjoy their afternoon off down in the meadow. I’m not sure if it’s our chauffeur Ron on the left but that’s definitely Dick on the right.
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A smashing photo to get everyone in the mood for Easter 😊
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Despite the very high winds Tom and Elsie Spiggott pose next to each other on a Bournemouth cliff top.
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Dear Supermarkets please note that when I buy fruit it is to eat now. If I wanted it to ripen at home then I would plant a tree.
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To be serious for a while I would like to wish everyone reading this a Very Happy Christmas and thank all those who have acknowledged my tweets ( even the silly ones ) over the past year....you make it all worthwhile and give me the incentive to continue. 😊
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Professional cake and tart pioneer, Bob Bakewell, has a sudden moment of inspiration.
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It was just 5 minutes later when George Glory thought of a more pleasurable use for his patented invention.
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Dear BBC Antiques Shows what’s going on? I walked into an Antique Shop today, took a leaf out out of you book by offering them half the ticket price and they told me to ‘F*ck Off’ 🤔
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Ted Tingle and Len Spaniel ready to hit the town safe in the knowledge that they won’t be troubled by any females.
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Queen Mary patiently awaits her turn in the paper plane event.
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Spotted this unusual window display as I passed by a suit shop earlier.
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I think I’m ready to dip my toes back into the pool of humour.
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Apparently it’s my ‘Twitter Anniversary’.....7 wasted years. 😮.........Not really...7 years ( hopefully) of smiles and chuckles and I Thank You All 😊👍
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Time to repeat this again: When somebody follows me I will often, but not always, send them a ‘Thank You’ and if they don’t respond then I probably won’t be following them back as I am an advocate of good manners as well as real people. 😉
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An unsettling standoff occurs when the RAC and AA both arrive at the same time.
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Rehearsals get underway at Blenheim Palace for the arrival of President Trump.
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I just want to, once again, thank all you smashers who follow, like and retweet me. I really do appreciate it and I apologise for the occasional serious bits.
Keep Smiling
Me
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A Countess Christmas Tip: Gift wrap some empty boxes and place them around the tree. Every time your child is naughty between now and the 25th throw one of the 'presents' onto the fire. 😉👍
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.....your overwhelming response to my tweet has made me think again and encouraged me to continue with the happy thought that over 1000 of you could be smiling. I thank you all once again and let the show continue. 😊😘
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I am so pleased to see that your ‘likes’ and retweets for my meanderings hasn’t diminished following the recent decline in my number of followers. Thank you all. 😊👍
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I have found it necessary to restrict my tweets to my followers only from now on. I don’t think it should cause problems but let me know if it does.
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I have just been down to our church where the strong winds have blown over one of the gravestones. We were all quite upset until we realised that our dear departed postman, Ted Linctus, had finally got his wish and found himself on top of Lilly Spinks from the fish shop.😊
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Ok I’m having a break but I couldn’t let this one go.
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Having just unfollowed a few I need to repeat this once again:
If someone decides to follow me (and why not 🤔) I may tweet or DM them a Thank You. If they don’t respond to it then I probably won’t follow back as I am an advocate of real people as well as good manners.😊
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It’s so hot the Count has been stretched out completely naked on top of the freezer cabinet......so now we’re banned from Sainsbury’s too. 😕
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A lovely picture of the Counts four sisters who made a fortune from smuggling flowerpots during the terracotta shortage of '58
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It was so hot yesterday the Count opened the freezer door and stood there completely naked ......so now we’re banned from Sainsburys too.
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Here’s one that first introduced me to the wrath of the woke snowflakes when I posted it back in 2019 and cost me some followers (although, as usual, they were outnumbered by the ‘likes’ ). Let’s see if it happens again 🤔
Sally wakes up to the perils of sunbathing in Dover.
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A Very Happy Christmas Day to you all and yours, thanks for sticking with me and I’ll see again you in the New Year.😊👍
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Time to repeat this again: When somebody follows me I will often, but not always, send them a ‘Thank You’ and if they don’t respond then I probably won’t be following them back as I am an advocate of good manners as well as real people. 😉
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Bob Badger was arrested two days later when they realised that Photoshop hadn't been invented yet.
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Bob tells Wendy that a girl should always receive flowers before having sex and she tells him to put them on the table with the others.
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Not many people know that I was once an Agony Aunt specialising in sexual problems. Here are my answers to the top 5 problems:
1. It’s meant to be that shape
2. Cinnamon
3. One size fits all.
4. Ointment
5. Well don’t do it then.
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Professional cake and tart pioneer, Bob Bakewell, has a sudden moment of inspiration.
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Just heard that the Palace are looking for two Royals to visit Australia on one of those freebie jaunts. Unfortunately the Count isn’t very big down under and I know from experience that he won’t last five minutes in the bush.😕
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A smashing photo to get everyone in the mood for Easter 😊
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Next time someone disagrees with your opinion just post this:
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I thought at first that a new series of Pointless was starting.
@XanderArmstrong
@richardosman
@TVsPointless
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Having just unfollowed (and blocked) a few I need to repeat this once again:
If someone decides to follow me (and why not 🤔) I may DM them a Thank You. If they don’t respond to it then I probably won’t follow back as I am an advocate of real people as well as good manners.😊
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Just opened this Easter card from my young nephew. Bless him he means well 😊
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Lilly tries her best to look pleased even though it wasn’t a big clock she had asked for.
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I am very proud of our son, Raymond, who attended an all nude wedding at the weekend and came within inches of being the best man.
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A Countess Fact: In the early 80s I won a Loveliest Legs competition and as a result received promotional work for several large supermarket chains. At one point I was so popular I was opening them three or four times a day.
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Without, hopefully, appearing to be disrespectful I think that it’s now time to carry on and try an raise a few spirits with a smile or two. Laugh, joke and carry on it’s the British Way. Let me know if you disagree.
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Dear BBC Bargain Hunt what’s going on? I walked into an Antique Shop earlier and took a leaf out of your book by offering them half the ticket price and he told me to ‘Fu*k Off’ 🤔
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I sprinkled some pepper onto the Counts pillow first thing this morning and then when he suddenly awoke sneezing and spluttering I forced him into ‘self’ isolation by locking him in the barn for two weeks.
#bliss
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Several have unfollowed me today because they didn’t agree with an earlier tweet which is fair enough ( although maybe rather drastic ) as we don’t all share the same opinions. The majority of you, however, have remained even if you also didn’t agree and I Thank You for that. 👍
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PC Ted Tingle attends a lineup and identifies the culprit who kicked him in the bollocks on New Years Eve.
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Ok it’s our turn: The Count took some cocaine in 1967 whilst visiting a dentist friend and I, despite never having smoked, attended a tobacco sponsored football match in 1971 and puffed on a couple of Players.
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The final scene from the last ever episode of Midsomer Murders.
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I took the Count to see his first ballet tonight and he really showed me up afterwards when we were invited backstage and he asked the choreographer why, instead of getting the ballerinas to dance on their toes, don’t they just get taller girls. 🤨
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I think I may have just failed my audition for the next series of Bake Off. 😕
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The last ever photograph of Bob Bunion captures the moment he fell off a wall whilst dancing the Sailors Hornpipe.
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I am honoured to announce that our local pub has been renamed after yours truly. After lockdown ‘The Countesses Legs’ will be open every evening, twice on Christmas Day and continuously on the Counts birthday. Hot specialities will also be available but pre booking is advisable.
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It is a little known fact that I host a regular ‘Agony Aunt’ column in our village magazine and I thought that it may be a good idea to reproduce some of my advice on here as it may help others with similar problems. What do you think? 🤔
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Having a break from Twitter means spending even more time with the Count which is why I have decided to come back sooner than anticipated.
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I am thinking about continuing to write ‘The Countess Diaries’ which I started a few years back with a view to maybe publish. Here, as a taster, is the original Forward by Sir Thomas Tackle and I would appreciate a nod if you think it’s worth my while proceeding. Thank you 😊
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