Costco (kinda)
@Costco_holesale
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Following
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Media
154
Statuses
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Welcome to Costco. Get lost. ***PARODY unaffiliated with all things Costco***
Kirkland, WA
Joined October 2023
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
@JoshuaSteinman
Everything is our subsidiary.
Today, restaurants; tomorrow, the world.
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@chiweethedog
We promise our members a stirring, spiritual, sexual shopping experience, and you can bet your ass it climaxes on Sundays.
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@spinachbabie
A quarter-pound of beef and unlimited Pepsi for $1.50 really is a glitch in the Matrix.
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@EliMcCann
***Membership may cause memory loss, lightened wallet, and rumbley tummy. Shoppers should not operate heavy machinery after shopping.***
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@SavinTheBees
Trying for samples twice will get you cancelled faster than a Gambit solo movie.
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@JonyIveParody
Thankfully Costco was unaffected by the CrowdStrike outage because our servers are just two 2011 blackberries taped together.
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@adamgreattweet
In the future, we’ll do our best to make sure you don’t have any money left over for any of those other places.
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@MeCookieMonster
🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭🌭
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When people say America First, this is what I think of.
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@daltonleepruitt
We’re proud of the fact that Kirkland has never recalled a product ever 💪
Not because we didn’t have to.
We just didn’t want to.
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@barstoolsports
It’s called a Cheesy Blaster.
You come into our warehouse, YOU GET OUR RECIPE’S NAME RIGHT.
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@ask_aubry
We encourage members to make way for others, and encourage violence if they won’t.
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@lilireinhart
The first time someone rams their cart into your Achilles heel, you’ll wish you were alone again
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We would’ve been on here sooner but it takes forever to put your loose carts away
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Costco will be closed tomorrow to Cramer-proof our entire operation.
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@elmo
Tickle my worst enemy until they bought me a $1.50 hot dog. Or waterboard them, whatever works.
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@alifarhat79
Jerome Powell asked us to cut our hot dog price too, but we said no.
You’re getting 8 inches of uncut beef no matter what he says.
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Looks like our nudes finally leaked.
At Costco, just got served an absolute GLIZZOOKA
Y'all need anything?
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@WhyCarnivore
The only thing we inject into our meat is love. Also hormones. Mostly hormones.
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@Stamford_Sam
TL;DR: Thanks to the Teamsters, our Norfolk warehouse is finally getting the sturdy ladders and high-pressure bidets they deserve!
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@warrenleightTV
@spidermcg
This Fourth of July, we’re dumping all of Sam’s Club’s tea into the nearest body of water.
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If you forget your ID at the club, just show them your Costco card.
They’ll know you’re at least 30.
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@KanesCabDriv3r
We could do this at Costco, but it’s too much fun watching you guys drive around in circles
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Is this a bucket list thing?
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Does anything?
Costco is offering
Coca Cola from Mexico
with cane sugar
instead of hgh fructose corn syrup.
Does it make a difference?
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@mcdadstuff
@ilovepie84
So? The Costco hot dog has been $1.50 for 39 years. Crash into that, DAVE.
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The only meal left that can be bought with tooth fairy money.
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Membership - REVOKED
Cops - En route
Jesus - Not here
I hate TikTok… imagine being at Costco and tryna purchase your 30gal bottle of Hennessy and 98’ Westinghouse tv and see this:
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Still full-size at Costco.
Why the moon is shrinking — and how it could affect future landings
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Well he can walk the extra mile right to the unemployment line because he clearly wasn’t counting any items.
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When you fools hit the food court right before close
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Knowing is half the battle. The other half is pushing people in Costco.
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@j_shorty2
@spinachbabie
And the food in their garbage is free, that doesn’t mean you should eat it.
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Sir, that’s our board of directors.
Alright.. who put all these Snorlax in a business meeting at Costco?
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We offer free breathable oxygen too if you’re up to date on your membership fees
@AngelinaDDD2
Costco offers free nitrogen air on their self serve tire inflatable stations.! Or they will do it for you 😉
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@uncledoomer
With an executive membership, cheapos like you can get 3% back on that half a hot dog.
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We also sell food in buckets but no one believes that either.
Me: I want to buy toilet paper
Costco: yep
Me: …and an 85 inch TV
Costco: yeah nw we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where to get a $5 rotisserie chicken
Costco: buddy ur not gonna believe this
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It was one mistake. God has made like a million of them
@Costco_holesale
Trading the $1 churro for a $2.25 cookie was the worst retail move of the century
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Just FYI: Kate Middleton has been camped out in our Syracuse store for a week now.
We’ve been knocking on the bathroom door, but she keeps saying “one more minute.”
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We’ve got 8 inches of slick beef that says otherwise.
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If the Grinch took your last can of Who hash, we sell them in bulk now
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$120 says you’re wrong.
Stop saying you’re an “executive,” your Costco membership doesn’t count.
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“You’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind;
a journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination.
That’s the warehouse up ahead – your next stop, Costco on a Sunday.”
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@LeafSingh
We have very strict policies against any riffraff, rabble-rousers, rapscallions, scalawags, and ragamuffins in our warehouses.
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The catch is addiction. They all know the risks
Costco’s rotisserie chicken is delicious and affordable. However, most customers aren't aware that it comes with a catch they don't advertise.
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On the twelfth day at Costco, my true love gave to me:
12 massive muffins,
11 giant ketchups,
10 Kirkland vodkas,
9 packs of TP,
8 pounds of berries,
7 tubs of toothpaste,
6 rounds of samples,
5 DOLLAR ROTISSERIE CHICKENS,
4 dozen eggs,
3 croissants,
2 more vodkas,
…and a
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Really sealed in the flavor.
Just in case you didn't know. Costco food containers aren't microwave safe.
#ReadTheLabelStupid
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We’re far more likely to cancel you.
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Right to jail, right away.
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That’s why our motto is “We’ll keep seeing you, until we don’t.��
Eating at the Costco cafeteria doesn’t cost a lot of money but after I’m done it feels like the price included years off my life
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You rub it against your cheek and then you rub it against your cheeks. Obviously.
Ok Costco, how am I supposed to sample this?🤔😳😆💩💩💩
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Doctor: “What’s the last thing you remember?”
America:
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You’re welcome.
Hang tight, we’re like a week away from fixing climate change too.
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