Lori
@Cornjerker78
Followers
8,135
Following
3,221
Media
6,287
Statuses
286,298
Rubbing hands together gleefully: let’s get this party started
Joined December 2016
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Friend: There’s somebody I want you to meet.
Me: I know enough people.
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
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If you want to be my friend you’d better do it now.
Cause I’m getting less lovable every day.
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I’ve found that saying
“I don’t like you” will shut a person up pretty fast.
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
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Lady in the next stall: Do you have a tampon?
*passes one to her*
Lady: This is a string cheese.
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?
Me: I can and do.
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Wife: How is it you can hit a target over 2 miles away yet miss the toilet peeing?
Sniper: My wang doesn’t have a scope.
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Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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Deleting just doesn’t have the same satisfaction as furiously rubbing an eraser til there’s a hole in the paper
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Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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Google: The average person burns around 1800 calories a day doing absolutely nothing.
Me: fitness regimen = done
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Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”
Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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“The only person you can depend on is yourself”
Me: *locks myself out*
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In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
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Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
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You know what’s worse than a long boring story?
Hearing it twice
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The faster I fidget the quicker you need to get to the end of your story.
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Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
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Takes garbage out to the bin at 2am with smudged eyeliner
Me seeing raccoon: don’t fall in love with me kid
I’ll only break your heart
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5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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I open the door in a sexy French maid outfit
Him: Hot damn!!
You finally cleaned???
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F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
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“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
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He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
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“You’re fucked up”
Me: ahem
I’ll have you know I am 𝒇𝒖𝒏𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 fucked up
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Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
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Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
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My Dad - today is his birthday and today he died.
I love you Dad
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.
Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
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You know what’s worse than an unexpected visitor?
An unexpected visitor with suitcases.
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More tweets?
What did you do with the ones I already gave you?
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Married guy: my wife doesn’t understand me
Me: well I don’t understand you either
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Restaurant
Him: this date is terrible.
Me bouncing breadsticks off his head: I’ve had worse.
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If I was on life support:
Dad: tsk tsk
You don’t need all these lights.
*starts flipping switches”
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How many times in a row can you have temporary insanity before they call it permanent?
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I’m the girl that will look my best when we go someplace
That way you only have to be embarrassed by the way I act
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Clown funeral
“Pop Goes The Weasel" begins to play
Me: Oh dear
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If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
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Party
Me: Who the hell is 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 guy?
Friend: I brought him for you.
Me scoping out the room:
I’m gonna regift him.
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gently covers you with unfolded laundry while you’re napping
- passive aggressive wife
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
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Putting my money in the one washing machine that doesn’t work is why I don’t gamble.
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Annoying neighbor: I just want to be your friend.
Me: Why do people keep threatening me with that?
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Godzilla *tiptoeing after each skyscraper*
I hate it when I get traffic jam between my toes.
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
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It takes me about 6 tries to get a bag of chips open so I count it as upper arm exercises
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Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
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My dad didn’t give compliments. “You don’t get told you did a good job when that’s what is expected of you”
The closest I got was “not bad for a kid”
The best one I ever got was when he said once just once “you’re just like me”
Love you Dad
Born June 22
Died June 22, 2022
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My cooking video:
stays silent except for the occasional sigh as I press Hershey’s chocolate kisses into a 100 cookies.
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don't flirt
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Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
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Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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“Every journey begins with a single step.”
plops my foot into dog shit
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Wikipedia: You have visited our site 11 times and still haven’t donated money.
Me - adds angry paragraph to “Nagging - Wikipedia”
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Going to take a page out of the 3yo’s book & every time I don’t want to do something say “I’m gonna puke.”
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Please quit yelling at me
You’re making it hard for me to pretend I can’t hear you
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Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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I got kicked off the cooking show for referring to the garlic press as “some kind of weird sex toy”
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I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too
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I’m no quitter
I make sure I stick around long enough to be able to call it a regret
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“Due to the freshness of its food, Arby's menu prices are slightly more than the average fast-food price.”
Me at drive-thru: You got anything that’s stale?
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
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If I worked in a Reese’s Cup factory,
y’all be opening your candy to find it already nibbled on
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6’4” coworker to 5’ me:
Any questions?
Me *eyes squinched* Yes…How do you even breathe with all that hair in your nose?
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Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
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He not only came with red flags they were riddled with bullet holes from the women in his past.
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