Chris (Official) 🧬
@ColdBrewCookies
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21,564
Following
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Media
2,073
Statuses
48,268
Science🧬, data, pets🐕, & Mets⚾ Vote blue, stay safe 💙 It’s all fun and games until someone pokes an eye out then it’s fun and games without depth perception
Connecticut, USA
Joined July 2010
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Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
I'm not perfect but at least I'm vaccinated.
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Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"?
It's for a work email so it has to sound professional.
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Thanks for putting a trump flag outside of your establishment, now I know where not to shop.
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Yes, strange man in the grocery store I’m wearing two masks.
Why?
Fuck you, that’s why.
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Peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon is an acceptable breakfast for an adult, right?
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Don't let anyone ruin your day. Own the day, ruin it yourself.
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I don't understand football. All I know is I want the Chiefs to beat the hell out of Brady.
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I’m going to be canceled for this…
Football is overrated.
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Anyone else just randomly get the urge to get rid of nearly everything you own and start over or am I having a midlife crisis?
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It boggles my mind that in my previous job I had to have two degrees&a certification. For my current job I needed a background check. Yet uneducated unqualified morons are sitting in congress right now playing games&wasting time while Americans die from covid,gun violence,&racism
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One thing I hope doesn't change in 2021 is curbside pickup for nearly everything.
I do not wish to resume interactions with the humans, ever.
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Fun story
I'm a short&chubby girl have always been
Went to pick up lunch&passed another patron on the way out of the restaurant. Loud enough for me to hear they said "hope you left enough for the rest of us".
I didn't bother responding.
Some people are incapable of being kind.
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My dog heard my coworker's dog barking on our teleconference so he started barking too.
I wonder what they were saying to each other.
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All dressed up and no inauguration to go to...😂
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It was a good day IRL 🎂
Happy birthday to me.
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In my next life I’m going to be a nudist because fuck laundry.
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Instead of calling people a-holes I'm just going to start call them Rand Pauls.
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If you attended the “Defeat the Mandates” rally then you should forfeit any medical care when you inevitably contract Covid.
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My dad, a sailor, just told me to stop swearing so much.
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Apparently it's not "lady like" to retrieve a fallen french fry from your top and eat it when you're in a restaurant with other people. 🙄
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I wonder how many people refused the covid vaccine but happily lined up to get Ozempic? 🙄
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I hate being around people who never have anything positive to say. 🙄
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I’m roughly the same age as Sarah Sanders… it’s amazing what a little kindness and some moisturizer (ok and some hair dye) can do 😉
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Nothing says good morning like a 52 pound dog stepping on all your organs. 🤣
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Slathering my face in sunscreen and taking a stupid fucking walk for my stupid fucking mental health.
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I have gotten way too comfortable getting the mail in my bathrobe.
Did I mention my mailbox is across the street...🤣
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Today I baked my feelings into blueberry coffee cake.
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Just because I am home does not mean I am under any obligation to answer the door.
I literally do not care what you are selling.
Go away.
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Really hurting tonight 💔
No amount of wine, chocolate, or blankets will help.
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Any one who tells you that you can't drink a bottle of wine on your own is wrong and you don't need that kind of negative energy in your life.
/S.
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Is it just me or do people who say they hate drama are always the ones to start it?
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There is no life without water, because without water there'd be no coffee. And, without coffee...well let's not think about that.
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I live in Connecticut.
This person lives in the state of denial.
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RIP to my crock pot and the dinner that was in it.
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To the next person who asks me why I'm still wearing a mask I will simply tell them it's not the Covid I'm worried about, it's the tuberculosis.
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They should really change the announcement in the grocery store instead of ”wear a mask" it should say "wear a mask over your fucking nose and mouth, you are the reason this virus keeps spreading".
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Set a personal record and blocked about 15 people today.
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Whoever has all my Tupperware lids can you return them? Thanks.
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Knocked over a display of lemons at the grocery store looks like I'll be doing my grocery shopping exclusively online and two towns over from now on. 😬
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Quick question, I ran out of plastic bags can I put gas in a reusable bag instead?
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Me: How much Motrin is safe to take in one day?
Hubs: As much as it takes to get you to stop talking about your broken foot.
Do I list him on LetGo or Craigslist?
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Was asked to make a broccoli salad for a picnic tomorrow...
Why do all the recipes have raisins?
The ONLY acceptable place for raisins is in an oatmeal cookie.
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If you think you're hurting me by blocking me, you're actually doing me a favor.
I love when the trash takes itself out.
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Wheel of Fortune just gave away a trip to Connecticut...
I like it here but it's no vacation destination.
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No matter what you're going through always try and help people.
So instead of saying "Fuck off", ask "How can I help you to fuck off?"
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I hope everyone who had romantic dinners for two yesterday have food poisoning today.
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If she eats her pickle with a knife and fork she definitely won’t do that thing you like.
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Please don't eat pizza with a knife and fork in front of me... Or anyone for that matter.
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When I sign my emails with "Regards" I actually mean "You are getting on my last fucking nerve, fix your shit and get back to me".
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Sundays are for making sauce, lasagna, and meatballs.
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I don't always drink hot liquids but when I do I make sure to spill them in my lap.
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Three towns over my Dad is probably going crazy, I'm sure he can sense I just turned my heat up to 70 and I have lights on in rooms I am not in...
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There is no betrayal quite like getting disappointing take out.
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Managed to give myself a paper cut on my face.
I think I'm done for the day.
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When you tell someone there is a spider in the bathroom, "what kind is it?" is never an appropriate response.
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Some of you are getting extra pins in your voodoo dolls tonight.
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Is it possible to remove your eyeballs and wash them?
The pollen is killing me.
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Who gets drunk at 3pm on a Saturday?
Me. That's who.
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Years ago I'd be just getting to the bar...
Now I'm drinking vodka at home, under a blanket, in a dinosaur onsie.
Cheers.
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Are pistachios really worth the work it takes to eat them?
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I put too much creamer in my coffee so then I drank a little and added more coffee and then I didn't have enough creamer so I added more creamer and now I'm stuck in an endless loop...
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I'm an adult that means I can have as many desserts as I want. 🍰🧁🍦
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Spent a good 5 minutes looking for my phone while it was in my hand. Happy Thursday.🥂
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It has no business being this nice outside in February.
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People I didn’t know stepped up when they saw me hurting, while people I knew stepped out.
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Sometimes I sit in my car in the grocery store parking lot and question all my life choices.
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On camera for work all day… snuck out to get a nitro cold brew😋 if you know you know
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On the phone with Dad. 🤣
Dad: I got a hair cut today
Me: Oh, did you get them all cut?
Dad: You're an asshole!
Me: It's your fault I'm like this!
Dad: You're too old to return to the hospital right?
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This is the life I want. He’s snoring on my lap.
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I'm going to write a book...
The art of scrolling by: how to ignore tweets you may not agree with and not leave rude comments
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Unpopular opinion. I don't care about unifying the country. I want trump to get what's coming to him. Impeachment. Remove. Humiliate.
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Me on Twitter: Good morning loves! Good vibes! Hugs!
Me in real life: Get the fuck out of my way. I will cut you if you look at me the wrong way.
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I wore a white sweater all day and didn’t get anything on it…where’s my prize?
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Just sat through a video call with a noodle on my shirt.
I think I'm done for the day.
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I am spectacularly and sufficiently inebriated and resisting the urge to just say what’s on my mind
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Might fuck around and DM everyone might pass out with my phone in one hand and cookies in the other
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It's a sinfully beautiful New England day....
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And so begins fireworks season 🙄 my poor pup is less than thrilled.
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As a society we should have been better prepared for this pandemic...
We have been advising people to "avoid it like the plague” for decades.
Turns out most of us were not listening.
#WearAMask
#WearADamnMask
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The super bowl just marks the unofficial start of the only meaningful sport...
Baseball.
I will not be accepting any discussion around this topic.
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Good start 🤞, Boebert next.
BREAKING: Resolution to expel Marjorie Taylor Greene from Congress to be introduced tomorrow by Rep Jimmy Gomez.
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Home, where I can drink wine straight from the bottle wearing shorts and a tee-shirt I've had since highschool.
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I always give more than I get back and it's draining.
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There are a lot of things I'm going to hell for.
That's it, that's the tweet.
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There's a special place in hell for you if I can hear you chewing during a conference call.
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Approaching 2022 like someone slowly pulling back the shower curtain to check for a murderer in their bathroom.
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