C⚙G
@CogLifeHacks
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326
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241
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The ultimate Life Hack resource for the impoverished and terminally unemployed. 🦞
Dudley, England
Joined November 2023
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Send us removal request.
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Here's the hot new single by the world renowned beatmaster, Cognifcient:
"Cog Lobster"
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Sadly, I cannot afford Tekken, but I would be happy to challenge Jim to a game of Street Fighter if he's interested.
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Josh Moon.
You just don't understand my sense of humor.
It's expected.
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Sometimes, in a marriage, you have to put on fake nails and put it on the Internet. You wouldn't understand, incel.
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I'm taking a day off, but it's not because I'm hiding from Salvo.
I REPEAT: It is not because I'm hiding from Salvo.
Its... uh... because of Kino Casino or something.
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I can't believe it took a cooking video for my haters to realize I was a crossdresser. I've been dropping obvious hints this whole time.
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Cog Life Hacks Presents:
How to Deal with Mockery on the Internet: Part 3
Featuring a guest appearance from
@CoolHandJames0
Happy New Year, Cogbros!
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A hasty response to recent claims made by those scallywags over on Kino Casino regarding my integrity when it comes to people who give me money.
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Cog Life Hacks presents:
How to Deal with Mockery on the Internet: Part 2
"DEF COG 4: Imagine the Banter"
Enjoy!
#CogLife
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I officially challenge
@SalvoPancakes
to a fight with Dan!
If he is man enough to accept, you can count on me to be there with my phone camera, hiding behind my friend, cackling like Jabba the Hutt's little jew-rat while he does all the fighting for me.
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Yes, I'm certain the drastic changes in PPP's living situation have nothing to do with the family medical emergency he announced before he went on a hiatus. It's all because of my daily 5 hour long 100 viewer streams and my banger tweets that almost get 5 likes sometimes!
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I brought a fight to
@Andywarski
's doorstep and he hid... Or at least I would have if only I could've just figured out whether that gosh darn doorstep was in Toronto or Ontario.
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How To Deal With Mockery on the Internet: A 5 Part Series
Part 1: Coping and Seething
#CogLife
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For those of you who think my lolcow behavior is representative of some kind of recent "downfall," and not just how I've always been...
Here's proof that I (Cog) have always been retarded, fragile, and utterly incapable of grasping the concept of humor.
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Some genuine advice for my fans: never ever send me dms. I will leak them without a second thought the moment my fragile ego is threatened in any way.
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Can we all stop and take a second to appreciate what I've really accomplished?
Twitter trolls laugh at me
Kiwis laugh at me
Ralphamales laugh at me
Casino fans laugh at me
Feaserheads laugh at me
Metokur fans laugh at me
We're quickly approaching the point where the only people
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Throwback to when Mister Metokur actually talked to me on the Kumite that one time.
One of my proudest moments
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Cog Life Hack: If you guys missed my amazing stream today, you can just watch this gif for 5 hours and imagine I'm whinging about Kino Casino the whole time and it'll be like you didn't miss a thing!
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Fake Cog is deliberately ignoring multiple instances of people pointing out that his account was being increasingly deboosted for spam several days before the stream in question, choosing instead to accuse people who make more money than him of being mad that he made some money.
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Don't mind me, just waking up at noon and immediately stalking PPP's replies for random accounts to quote tweet.
Just another totally normal day in the life of Cog!
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I am
@kinocasinoclips
It’s weird how he says “I live with my niece” like as if he’s living in her house lmao
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Guys, please stop making fun of all the secondhand designer wigger clothes I wear. It upsets and confuses me.
There's no shame in being a Hand-Me-Down Hugo. I don't understand what everyone's problem is.
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Mr. Vickers, if you are out there, I just want you to know there's always room for you here in Dan's House. 🫶
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A CogLifeHacks Secret to Success: Always set realistic goals for yourself.
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Who among us hasn't had multiple relatives accuse us of raping the same 14 year old girl?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Unless it's someone I don't like. Then I get to cast all the stones I want.
This is one of the most important tenets of
#CogLife
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That asshole commission artist
@AtomicDenny
sent me a hateful poem in an attempt to ruin the holiday for me.
I decided to show him how not mad I am by doing a live reading of it.
Merry Cogsmas to all!
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My biggest ambition is to be featured on a podcast dedicated to showcasing lolcows.
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Jesse from PodAwful is seething about me again and threatening to post my wedding photos. So I figured I would beat him at his own game and post them myself.
Such happy memories.
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The first thing I did when I woke up today was think about some random guy from the internet.
Totally normal.
Definitely not terminally online at all.
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I don't understand why Metokur is playing games with Andy Warski, when it was totally me he lowkey shouted out for making more money than Ralph on his stream.
It really should be me.
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Legit me waking up with my swag on.
@Cogs_World
Exept you would have a cheap ciggy between your greasy lips and a moldy chav cap on ur birdsnest head.
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I'll accept any challenge to fight as long as I can bring my boyfriend to do the fighting for me. Also I don't want to set foot in the US because guns.
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We were at the Welfare Office
Everybody had matching frowns
Somebody went
Out to the lot
And there they saw
A rock!
It wasn't a rock
It was a Cog Lobster!
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Scientists grew a pair of testicles in a lab — and they offer new hope for male infertility
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Ethan Ralph,
Everyone who regularly watches my show (~10 people) knows I have dyslexia.
This is news to you because you refuse to let me be a guest on your show.
Same with Andy & PPP. None of you will give me the time of day. It's not fair. I deserve to be featured.
Please help.
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Hey now!
I may be an unhinged lunatic...
And I may have talked about bombing people's houses...
But I DID NOT fly across the Atlantic Ocean to hide behind my friend while he assaults people for me unannounced.
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Me and my crack team of exceptional researchers are working day and night, trying to solve the mystery of this "Joke" thing my haters keep using on me.
We haven't made much headway yet, but I'm confident we shall have a breakthrough any day now!
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Kinocoper is once again seething over the fact that I have a life and real friends
I am being told Cog has another huge mental breakdown in his Discord but the voice chat was not recorded. He is taking another day off! "Stuff came up" like what Cog? it's Sunday night and you live in Dan's house.
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I wish Ethan Ralph owed me $800. I could really use it.
I'm so cold and hungry, and collection agencies are calling Dan's phone nonstop 😫
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Have you ever noticed how I'm always promising to laugh at stuff on my streams, but I never actually do laugh at anything, ever? What's the deal with that?
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In less than a week, Fake Cog has gone from being done with the Sektur to shamelessly bottom feeding off of it again.
Lobsters always crawl back in the end
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Taking a stand against Cog Bigotry! ⚙️
Join the Anti Cog Defamation League in the fight for unity and understanding. Watch our impactful video and stand against Cog Hate together!
#NoToCogHate
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Cog Life Fact:
Every morning, before I log in to Twitter, I use a very complex decision-making process to determine who I'm going to be bottom-feeding off of for the day.
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3 days ago, I was calling Andy Warski gay, and now I'm presently exposing his heterosexual attraction to white women to the Sektur, all while begging one of said white women for pictures of Andy's penis.
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Doxing my wedding photos was completely unnecessary. Y'all could have just watched the Fight Club video.
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Since I have some downtime before I start production on the final "Def Cog" video, I've decided to do what many relevant internet personalities (like me) do and take up a cause.
So, I've started a new organization dedicated to spreading awareness of a serious issue that is very
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I can't believe Ralph cucked me out of my big exclusive.
It should have been me 😭
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