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@Clowndro
Followers
2,311
Following
1,587
Media
1,008
Statuses
29,631
Don't fear/superboy is here/and it feels good to me
inner space
Joined December 2021
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Pinned Tweet
If we all are truly made in God's image I humbly suggest that He consider bringing in some outside consultants to review the blueprints
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@HighnessOphelia
"why has no one considered stopping an armed robber by sticking their finger in the gun-hole"
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I don't care if it's the pro football game of the millennium I am not subscribing to peacock fuck you NBC
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My main priority in this life is to never be recognized in public again
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We may disagree sometimes, but the important thing is that you're wrong
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@DouglasKBlair
I would love to see all the pearl-clutchers in this thread fearing for Kavanaugh's "safety" bring that same energy to the fact that he and his cohorts perjured themselves during their Congressional hearings.
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Y'ever stop and think about how many of our "societal norms" are just stupid arbitrary bullshit? Does it really matter how long or short, or what color someone's hair is? Is a dude in a sundress really going to ruin your day? Who gives a shit. Find your own joy and let people be.
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People who say "we can't have pizza tonight, we had it yesterday" will be the first to be exiled from the island when I am king
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I'm 51, which is about five years past my life expectancy in 1900, so I'm having trouble taking any of this seriously
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Just because I escorted a ladybug out of my garage so it wouldn't get trapped doesn't mean I won't run a guy down with my car in a parking lot
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I am a single man with two pounds of Costco cheese and a diminishing will to live
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"Cooler heads will prevail," I whisper, as I place the last of the heads into the cooler
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Had a boss once who liked to say "good afternoon" whenever I got to the office a few minutes after 7am, so hilarious. Anyway his skull is a goblet now
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The great thing about eating in bed is that when you're done eating, you're in bed
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I made a meal of french fries and jelly beans, please stop asking me for advice
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption "this was really good"
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Friendly reminder that yours is one of almost 8 billion subjective views of reality on this planet which is itself just a speck in an unknowable universe, have a nice day
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@sannewman
The success rate of shaming employees back to a job after they've quit is holding steady at 0.00%
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Most of us are just a single ATV-related head injury away from becoming a kid rock fan, stay woke
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Signing off my work emails with "you da pimp" until they do a wellness check
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If you bring me banana bread that you baked yourself I will get emotional
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Inaugurating my 50th birthday by looking out the front door at the sky and murmuring "looks like it's gonna be a hot one today"
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[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement "helps with memory loss" but I'm still remembering stuff
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When scooping a chip through a bowl of salsa, I like to submerge my entire fist
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When I am king, email will be outlawed. If you want my attention you'll have to shout at me through a traffic cone
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What they don't tell you is that Love Potions 1 through 8 killed 30 million people
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I've just got a lot of stupid things to say and this is the stupidest place to say them
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Going out and doing stuff is overrated, stay in and eat soup and glare at people through the window blinds, it's much cheaper
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The debilitating sadness in me recognizes the debilitating sadness in you
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If you live long enough, eventually there will be people who decide for no particular reason that they just don't like you, but the important thing to remember about those people is that they can eat shit
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I've found that standing silently in the doorway naked except for a hockey mask keeps most solicitors from returning
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*holds grudge*
*kisses grudge tenderly*
*stays in bed all day with grudge watching Netflix*
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How do you politely tell someone that the sound of their voice makes you want to die
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Why do we keep saying that children are our future, they can't even drive
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James Caan is on Twitter and he ends every single tweet with "end of tweet" and it's my new favorite thing on the internet for at least the next five minutes
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I am too old to start another social media account, when this place folds I'm just going to spend more time sitting in my car in the garage
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Some of my life's biggest challenges have been overcoming my own stupid decisions
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Just let me attain whatever social status will entitle me to my own goons
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Why would I pay $3500 for a VR headset when the reality that I live in every day is impossible to comprehend
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I have ordered delivery from places I could walk to and I won't apologize for it
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Half the time social media bolsters my faith in humanity and the other half it makes me want to dive off of a parking garage directly onto a bed of nails
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I frankly do not have enough years left on earth to be eating anything that isn't delicious
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"Commit to the bit," I whisper to myself as I prepare to land this Boeing 787 Dreamliner
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Babies are fun to play with but it takes a lot of practice before you can throw them in a tight spiral
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Stepping into a full elevator and saying "uh oh, get ready" before putting on an ill-fitting football helmet
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@wolfiecomedy
@abbbeydabbey
"self-proclaimed" says it all
Just like I'm a self-proclaimed gazillionaire
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Referring to Las Vegas as "The Vegs" to make absolutely certain that I get stabbed
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Note to driver: I will pay you extra to deliver the pizza all the way to my bed
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[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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Asked the girl at the counter to help me unwrap a rice krispie treat because I couldn't find the end of the plastic wrap and I started crying
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