Chris McQueer
@ChrisMcQueer_
Followers
21,697
Following
4,079
Media
744
Statuses
6,859
Yer da's favourite author. Writer of Hings and HWFG, published by @404Ink . Both of them out now and available here 👇
Glasgow, Scotland
Joined January 2017
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
Explore trending content on Musk Viewer
Chiefs
• 360550 Tweets
namjoon
• 317714 Tweets
Lamar
• 118766 Tweets
Adalet
• 103436 Tweets
Chester
• 74080 Tweets
For Asia
• 69655 Tweets
علي النبي
• 63715 Tweets
小泉進次郎
• 43568 Tweets
Hayırlı Cumalar
• 41909 Tweets
サブスク解禁
• 41801 Tweets
MUSINSA BEAUTY WITH KARINA
• 32796 Tweets
エイリアン
• 29814 Tweets
Engin Polat
• 27624 Tweets
#BAEKHYUN_PINEAPPLESLICE
• 27356 Tweets
PRETTY GIRL ERA MILKLOVE
• 26972 Tweets
小泉さん
• 24898 Tweets
#يوم_الجمعه
• 23935 Tweets
資さんうどん
• 22670 Tweets
TransisiSEJUK PRABOWOJKW
• 21980 Tweets
KitaKOMPAK KitaMENANG
• 21094 Tweets
知的レベル
• 20464 Tweets
KPLC
• 18797 Tweets
ちいかわ寿司
• 18677 Tweets
資さん買収
• 17391 Tweets
ベイマックス
• 13248 Tweets
Look at the composure here. Improvise, adapt, overcome
214
23K
95K
It is with a heavy heart I announce that I seem to have died
254
3K
39K
It's just like having a real job except you're on £600k a week, Gareth
19
1K
11K
Me, begging,
pleading for
the dug to
stop barking the dug
98
2K
10K
You come to me, on the day of my bisexual girlfriend's visibility?
12
855
7K
Laughing so much at this, laughing even more as I imagine the logistics behind "hiring a grinch"
16
191
6K
Remember this guy on Mock the Week who'd just constantly make jokes about queues and queuing
119
189
5K
Peter Andre getting involved in something that's none of his business and tagging not one but two wrong accounts. So class
27
518
5K
Someone out there was the first person ever to sarcastically say "living the dream" when their colleague walked by and asked them how they were getting on. Imagine the laugh it got.
17
222
5K
Whenever I'm with my pals, all we talk about is how much we want a third runway at Heathrow. Truly we will never know happiness until it is built. Jeremy, thank you.
Just heading to Scotland for day 3 of campaign. Scotland wants a third runway for Heathrow and so do I!
#Scotland
#HastobeHunt
3K
86
670
22
368
5K
Guys at Ayr Races are really just living out their Peaky Blinders cosplay fantasy
19
352
4K
Love saying, "It's no that it's heavy, it's just awkward," while lifting something that's very heavy with someone
29
142
4K
£1 to roll about in amongst the fritters, a bargain imo
32
304
3K
Scotrail: The Banter Years
@acuthberto
Hi, we don't charge extra to travel at peak times, but we do offer a discount to travel at quieter times. ^Paul
402
808
2K
9
224
3K
Got asked for ID in the shop earlier. Gave the guy it and he burst out laughing. I went, "Aw my name's a belter eh?" and he goes, "Yer name? I'm talking aboot yer picture, pal!"
A very humbling experience.
7
55
3K
I worked in Subway when I was 16. One day these two lassies come in and one says to me, "Can you show her what six inches looks like?"
I hit the biggest beamer ever and the other lassie shouted, "Omg he's got a riddy!" and every single person in the shop turned to stare at me
27
73
3K
Jupiter should calm down imo it's not a race mate
The planets to scale in size and rotation speed, with 5 hours passing per second in this simulation.
70
983
5K
7
113
3K
Look at how at how my brother has cut his birthday cake man. The sheer chaos of this
65
89
3K
This wee guy's had a fucking nightmare
Boy survives being impaled in the head by a meat skewer after falling face-first from a tree house while avoiding a swarm of attacking wasps.
224
1K
3K
3
282
3K
There should've been some kind of preseason training for barbers before they opened back up
16
78
3K
I tried to teach some tourists in Edinburgh a bit of our lingo with
@TennentsLager
. Here's how it went...
66
466
3K
Got tackled so hard he was sick. Incredible viewing, never seen anything like it
Today (September 8) in 2013 - Louis plays in the Legends charity match in Glasgow! 😍😍
45
358
8K
28
80
3K
Priti Patel in her big daft custom superdry jacket at a dawn raid. Never seen a more evil vibe in all my life
13
98
3K
People like JK Rowling and Graham Linehan have the money and time to quietly live the best lives in the world and they choose to just constantly and loudly proclaim how transphobic they are. Have a fucking day aff and sort yourselves out. Try and get some sense into your heids.
16
235
2K
I could write a million stories and none of them would even come close to being as wild as this
19
214
2K
Hated my step da with a passion and used to try and get my maw to split up with him so I told her he'd been taking drugs. When she questioned how I knew this and what proof I had I said, "I saw it written in his calendar."
Imagine writing "buy drugs" on a calendar.
How extra were YOU as a teenager? I was “rehearsing breaking up with people I wasn’t even in a relationship with, in a mirror” extra. I would very much like to know what weird shit you did when you were 14/15 that seemed fine at the time but looking back is absolutely batshit.
197
55
894
12
68
2K
Let's be honest....... this video is class
North West Ambulance bosses have apologised for a video where paramedics re-enacted a viral video of dancing pallbearers... “We appreciate that those involved did not mean to cause offence, but this video is highly inappropriate... we are dealing with the matter internally”
713
3K
8K
15
162
2K
This guy deserved an Oscar, what a performance he put in for this advert
29
122
2K
Please enjoy this awkward clip of me not knowing if it was my cue to get up and read
42
32
2K
Was talking about Madeleine McCann with a guy in my work a couple of year ago and he went, in all seriousness, "She must be aboot 40 noo anyway."
8
87
2K
I was working in JJB Sports on Valentines day 2012 when news of Rangers going into administration broke. A boy, maybe about 12, said to his pal, "That's us in administration," and a grown man spun round and went, right into his face, "IT'S LIQUIDATION, PAL!"
45
79
2K
Went to see my granny yesterday all buzzing to see what she thought of me being on the telly the other night.
"You sounded like a fucking ned."
23
32
2K
He's normally a very photogenic wee dug but look at Timmy here, jeezo man
53
50
2K
Played that much grand theft auto when I was a wee guy that I very nearly did something daft here
11
45
2K
Thinking about how there'll be some poor soul working behind a bar tonight, forgetting that the clocks go back. It'll get to 1:59am and they'll be like "thank fuck, no long left now" then boom instead of hitting 2am it goes back to 1am.
11
124
2K
Thinking about one of the best bits of patter from when I was a wee guy. Went to the van and asked for a Twirl and the guy did an actual twirl.
34
97
2K
Three stories from my first book Hings have been made into short films and will be up on the BBC iPlayer soon. They've turned out so class and I can't wait to show yous them
Glasgow author Chris McQueer to have stories adapted into BBC short film series
4
31
273
89
158
2K
Had this idea for a story that I'll probably never write but this lassie finds a wee dying bee and gives it some of her can of Monster which sorts it out but then the bee turns into a big goth
22
203
2K
Size of that thing
The binman was rushed to hospital after being ambushed by a rat while doing his duties 😳😰
35
10
43
8
70
2K
"At the end ae the day, it's wan ae they wans, int it." - my contribution to any conversation
30
134
2K
Middle class guys between the ages of 45 and 55 really pop hard for this look don't they
92
71
2K
Moving from Happy Meals to Big Macs when I was a wee guy felt like the most pivotal moment in my life
17
71
2K
Not a single penny in that help to buy isa I was so stressed about setting up before the deadline months ago
11
74
2K
Next level Facebook meme here. A picture of a print out of a joke. Incredible
13
36
2K
Honestly greet with laughter every time I see this video
16
260
2K
Few things better than muttering "Wit's this clown dain?" while driving.
24
76
2K
Have to say I do not agree with what's being said here. If you're from a scheme, have experience with alcoholism etc and want to write about that then absolutely do it. These are stories that deserve to be told and there's space for them.
23
129
1K
Fed up getting hit with a pure attitude and snidey replies when I chase up money I'm owed for work I've done. Please accept my humblest apologies for wanting to be paid ffs
34
53
1K
Been working on this novel for four years, went through dozens of drafts trying to get it right and two computers in the process but now it's finally finished. What a feeling it was to be able to type 'the end' on something for the first time in a long time 🎉
57
61
1K
Bullshit was famously eradicated from the world in 2004
4
53
1K
Say it every year but that week or so after Christmas where you get to wear brand new, right out the packet pants and socks every day is amazing. A real thrill to get ready every morning
18
64
1K
Celtic referring to me as a highly rated youngster, the stuff of dreams man
5⃣ An interview with highly-rated young Glasgow writer, Chris McQueer. 📗
3
6
104
22
25
1K
The story of the overzealous grinch for hire is going to keep me going for ages
6
31
1K
"Anyway here's how I would feed my children if I was a young parent living in extreme poverty and yet somehow also had the knowledge of a wealthy but miserable 55 year old middle class person."
5
118
1K
Laughing at the memory of being in the McDonald's drive thru with my step da when the McFlurry first came out here. Me going "aw get us a McFlurry please," and him replying, furiously, "AM A FUCK SAYING THAT."
5
33
1K
Vanessa got in my motor the other day and said "did you hear that the guy who invented autocorrect died today?" I was like aw that's a shame before she added, very solemnly, "may he roast in piss"
8
88
1K
Howling at how they've captioned my column this week. Might as well have just put "SAD ACT CHRIS MCQUEER FOUND ALONE IN THE CINEMA"
Good morning folks! Here's today's GT front page as a heartbroken family beg for justice almost a decade on from their son's death to a single punch
#scotpapers
0
1
7
21
24
1K
Imagine a wee book dropped through your door one day and it was full of excerpts from strangers' group chats slagging you and actual quotes from people who don't like you
22
114
1K
Me: aye I've been handling the lockdown alright I suppose
Also me: *looks absolutely fucked*
46
16
1K
Wrote this about the worst week of my life, coming to terms with my own fertility and what happens when everything changes:
67
132
1K
If I won £115m on the lottery I wouldn't even tell my maw never mind the press
5
55
1K
Been tagged in/sent this four times today alone. Furious
13
11
1K
My maw once tried to say "sweet chilli beef" once but it came out as "sweet billy chief"
30
45
1K
Remember walking down this hill with my maw when I was a wee boy and holding on to a pole at the top, screaming, cause I was scared if I let go I'd just go rolling right down it
26
28
1K
Every day we stray further and further from God's light
12
80
1K
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the absolute best comedy on the telly by some distance. Only about to start the fourth series and it just keeps getting better and better
50
76
1K
Laughing so much at the state of this guy and his wee maw trying to back him up despite almost every word he's saying being wrong
“I’d like to call out Labour as liars. I am one of the people he will tax more”
This audience member, who earns over £80,000, criticises the taxation promises in the Labour Party manifesto.
#bbcqt
6K
2K
9K
16
69
1K
Surreal as anything getting Hings made for the telly. Thanks to all the cast & crew & everyone behind the scenes. Thanks to everyone who bought, borrowed or stole and read the book, shared any of my stuff on here and supported me along the way, yous are all stars. Cheers troops x
28
25
1K
Absolutely fair play to the guy last night who said hiya to me then gave my burd a cuddle and told her to "give him a shout" if I "treat her badly".
I'm right here big man fucking hell
10
17
1K
Imagine you did that £99 surprise holiday thing and got sent to Craig Tara
27
67
1K
Preferring crispy rolls over soft rolls: a study into toxic masculinity in Scotland - my latest for Vice
22
56
1K
Have to respect the dug coming into my room at half 4 this morning just to be sick on my bed
10
21
1K
I spent the weekend in Twitter Jail. Here's what happened...
51
309
1K
Did I watch the same episode of GoT as you moany bastards? That was class
46
76
961
And then they realised, they were no longer little jelly babies; they were little jelly men
15
56
976
Jon Dahl Tomasson would improve any film if he was recast as the main villain. Chilling delivery, an unnerving presence about him and that smirk, my god.
🗣️"That's a good answer isn't it?"
Malmo boss Jon Dahl Tomasson says Rangers are the favourites for the second-leg of their Champions League qualifier but was in a mischievous mood at the end when asked who was under more pressure👀👇
95
114
1K
16
23
975
Going to have to uninstall Football Manager. Just absolutely consumed by it at the minute. Sitting here unable to sleep because I don't think I'll be able to land Martin Ødegaard permanently after his loan deal expires.
28
20
958
Absolutely mental news notification to recieve. Imagine being shown this with no context a year ago
1
65
960
Was doing a gig in a jail last week and I was telling a story about a prison guard. A guy in the front row put his hand right up and went, "Screws mate. They're called screws, no guards." Shat myself a wee bit no gonnae lie
7
36
933
So nice to be self isolating at my parent's, who are both doctors, home in Jordanhill. Just out of shot, my Glasgow uni degree hangs on the wall
28
22
938
Absolutely buzzing to announce that I've got a new book coming out this November. More short stories and this time they're longer, darker and even weirder. HWFG x
50
154
904
The taxi small talk glory era had to be the year Leicester won the league. Getting in a taxi and just immediately saying, "Wit aboot Leicester eh?"
8
46
927
Your da at the Suez Canal saying, very loudly, "It's like bloody Sauchiehall Street here!"
8
38
932
Feel like I'm trapped in some sort of purgatory where it's just Celtic playing St Johnstone over and over again until I lose my mind
17
37
901