*creation of skunk*
Angel: I got an idea for one.
God: Shoot.
Angel: An animal that farts so hard it ruins your week.
God: What’s the catch?
Angel: It’s cute so you wanna touch it.
God: Are we talking prank anim-
Angel: Fucking prank animal dude!
What your Mario Kart pick says about you
Mario: You suck at the tit of capitalism
Peach: Pervert
Luigi: You’ve killed and will kill again
Donkey Kong: You have a small dick
Bowser: You have a small dick and huge balls
Toad: Coward
Yoshi: Very ugly
Wario: Xenophobic
Bears have it made! You wake up in the spring horny as FUCK, then bang everyone. Then all the food is poppin so you eat until you’re a fat little dumpling and when it gets cold you fucking SLEEP, wake up skinny and do that shit again.
Psychic: I’m in contact with your husband. He’s saying a J name, I think it’s Joe
My wife: DON’T ASK HIM W-
Psychic: Who’s Joe?
Me as a ghost: Joe momma you stupid bitch lol
*Joe Rogan on Ellen*
Ellen: So I’ve been listening to your podcast
Joe: Omg really!?
*Alex Jones wrestling a chimp that’s high on DMT burst through the ceiling*
Joe: Oh my god Ellen you didn’t!
Yeah sex is great but have you ever eaten too much of an edible and then got so high you though you went insane and then died but after you returned back to reality sane and not dead?
Somebody told me they flush their poop as soon as it touches the water and I told them that I look at every poop I take. Then we stared at each other not knowing who was the weird one.
Met a chick who took out student loans to get fake tits, then used the fake tits to start an onlyfans, then paid off her student loans with the onlyfans money. This is the American dream
Part of her appeal is that she’s a solid 8.5 with an amazing rack. If she was a 9 or above she would be too hot, but an 8.5 tricks my brain into thinking I have a shot. The secret ingredient is hope.
Tour Dates:
Tempe AZ Sept 20-22
New York NY Sept 26th
Tampa FL Oct 4th
Pittsburgh Oct 3rd,
Tamp FL Oct 4th,
Cincinnati Oct 5th
tickets at
Or link in bio
WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE STAND UP TO BOARD THE PLANE?! Do you enjoy standing in line? Is your body so weak that if you sit to long you won’t be able to move? ITS FUCKING ASSIGNED SEATING! You’re not getting a better spot by standing in line FASTER! Everyone is a chode
When I’m high and I get the munchies I’m not hungry, it’s more then that, I’m horny for food. I’m not eating, I’m savouring and gorging until tongue and stomach climax and drool rolls down my chin like the little slut I am
Dear FBI,
I just got an ad for car insurance on my social media and I don’t own a car. Whoever is in charge of watching me need to be fucking fired. Please make this change so I can get ads for discount dental services and Avengers collectables.
There should be planes that are adult-only, where we can all fuck the whole flight. I’m bored. My back is sore from this seat and my balls need to be drained
When I’m high and I get the munchies I’m not hungry, it’s more than that, I’m horny for food. I’m not eating, I’m savouring and gorging until tongue and stomach climax and drool rolls down my chin like the little slut I am