🇨🇦🏒Canadian Beaver 🏒🇨🇦
@CanadianBeave13
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Following
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242
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99,539
Might get drunk and take down the Christmas tree. 💙 🏒🦕🦖 #LeafsForever
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Joined September 2018
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Have someone in your life who is excited to see you when you come home from a long day. Someone who will look at you with love, curl up beside you when you are watching a movie, looks forward to the simple things like going for a walk together.
It’s a dog. Get a fucking dog.
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If you...
1. Took keyboarding class in high school
2. Know the biggest debate of the 80’s was Beta vs VHS
3. Were excited when your parents landline phone rang and you actually raced to answer it
4. Unfolded the cassette insert to read the lyrics
5. Passed notes
...call me.
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*A thread ❤️
Tomorrow I sit in the witness stand in a trial against a man that beat the shit out of me. I’m praying to have the strength to look him directly in the eyes, without trembling or crying (I’ll cry) and in my mind say ‘Never again mother fucker.’
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It’s a fucking clit. Not a scratch ticket.
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My son told his dad about our cancelled Christmas supper at my parents. My ex just showed up with Christmas supper for my son and I. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, buns and cookies.
We were never meant to last a lifetime but that’s a damn fine human and father.
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I’m just coming off of my very first suspension for using the word DILDO in a tweet from 2 months ago.
I took it hard. Real hard. It’s left me feeling raw, tore up, achy on the inside.
DILDO DILDO DILDO DILDO DILDO DILDO DILDO DILDO
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I held the door open for 4 people at the rink today. I got 7 thank yous.
~Canada 🇨🇦
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I told my therapist about my Twitter account. He wants to see you all this Thursday at 4pm.
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Yesterday was one month until I go to trial for the man who beat me up. I’m internally kind of shattering and feel like I’m losing my strength. Powerless maybe. I silently read your tweets. I smile, laugh, relate, forget for a moment. Thank you a million times over.
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If Dr. Seuss was on Twitter
I do not like them in my home
I do not like them on my phone
I promise they don’t make me moan
No one wants to see your bone.
I would not eat it in a truck
I would not hit it with a puck
I would not pay a single buck,
To see your dick pic holy fuck
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Women in their 40’s will fuck you, slap your ass and send you home with a margarine container of homemade soup.
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Being a gentleman in 1950:
-opens car door
-walks closest to the curb
-gives up his seat
-gives her his jacket
-rises when she enters the room
Being a gentleman in 2019:
-hold her hair back when she’s giving a blow job
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I work with a nurse that prefers anal to vaginal sex. She also brings dildos to work and let’s the maintenance guy use it on her in the boiler room so there’s that.
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I gave my 2 weeks notice.
I think what I’ll miss the most is my boss watching me on the security cameras, on his laptop, at his home, in bed, at 3am, and then calling me and telling me my hair looks nice tonight.
That was always neat. ✌🏻
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Relationship Status:
Made breakfast for two. Ate both.
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My 70 year old dad just joined twitter. Annnnd blocked.
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Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.
Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
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No one will see this cuz shadowbanned (😒) BUT I’ve been 2 months at my new job and 1 hour ago the Director of Nursing called me. She offered me a salaried position, more money AND less hours. 😊
*high fives the void and myself*
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When I die I want to be reincarnated as a Golden Retriever who belongs to a middle class family.
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I just want a man who will fuck me properly.
Sorry, I meant LOVE me properly.
ᴺᵒ ᴵ ᵈᶦᵈᶰ’ᵗ
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I’ll calm my tits when you figure out how to simmer your sack. K?
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This morning, in a courtroom in Montreal, a very cruel human was sentenced to prison for a very long time.
Almost 3 years later, and I can truly exhale.
Justice and peace are two sides of the same coin and it’s time to make my comeback fiercer than the setback.
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Welcome to life after divorce. It’s like being in your 20’s except with stretch marks, debt and wanting to meet someone without ever leaving your house.
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To the idiotic woman who said she would be furious if her man didn’t propose with a ring that cost 20% of his yearly salary; May you never know a pain greater than that, you dumb ass fuck.
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Holy shit it’s gorgeous outside!
*Closes the curtains and turns on Netflix
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I’d rather dry shave my bikini line with a rusty razor than engage with the men who wear white sunglasses.
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Due to circumstances and precautions at my job, my son now has to go stay with my parents, who live out of town, for 3 weeks and I can’t put a funny spin on this because he’s my world and everything fucking sucks.
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I’d like to fuck someone who has their life together. If I wanted to fuck a hot mess, I’d masturbate.
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Canadian Sayings: Is It Sexual Or is it Hockey?
-Rimmed it back deep
-They aren’t afraid to go into the dirty areas
-Hitting from behind
-They got good wood on that one
-Took one in the face
-5 on 3
-Come from behind
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I just finished writing the final draft of my victim impact statement that I read before the courts in 9 days. For the first time in 2 1/2 years, I just fucking exhaled.
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HR just approved a 6 month LOA and I’m headed off to work on a farm. I don’t have it in me to do a 4th wave in healthcare. 100% selfish. 100% necessary.
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In a span of 24 hours, my best friend left her husband, moved in with me (in a place I like to call ‘divorced row subdivision’) with her 4 daughters ages 15-4, a Holy shit level of estrogen is now present and fuck I guess I’ll see if Amazon sells cats by the dozen.
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My favourite vibrator died tonight. I’ll send him off the same way he lived his life, buried deep.
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Wait. What age are you suppose to have your shit together?
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10 days. That’s when I return to court for the trial of the man who beat me up. I’m struggling. Hard. Strength I thought I had built up is dissipating. Healing that I’ve tried to do is unraveling. Be kind. You have no idea what people are grasping to hold on to.
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I’m sorry if my masturbation tweets have rubbed some the wrong way. I’ve really pounded the hell out of that theme. I mean it’s really just left me feeling raw.
I’m sorry. I can’t help myself.
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My ideal body type on a male is vasectomy.
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So we all have our real life friends and family blocked on here right?
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I hit a deer tonight. Spun out and into the ditch. I walked back to the deer who was injured and suffering. I phoned my friend who came out and put her out of her misery. I know, I know, circle of life stuff but I still cried like a baby.
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Give me boring please.
Falling asleep, head on your chest,
Cooking supper together,
Playful, silly, teasing,
Too many whiskeys,
Slow dancing by the pond,
Simple things that are never boring, with you.
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You pussies ready for the weekend? Just kidding. No one knows when the fuck the weekend is anymore.
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Writes ‘Fuck You’ on the snow on my neighbors windshield.
*runs away*
*runs back*
Writes ‘Sorry!’ below it cuz Canadian.
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Never force anything. Friendships, conversations, relationships, attention, love. Anal.
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How To Please A Woman:
Love her, listen to her, no woman but her exists, feed her, know each mood and how to react, be affectionate but not clingy, BE WILLING TO DIE FOR HER.
How To Please A Man:
Show up naked with pizza and beer and suck his dick.
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~Ode To A Troll~
Twinkle, Twinkle stupid fuck,
Keyboard warrior and sissy cuck,
Judging those you do not know,
Finding anyone to make your foe,
Twinkle, Twinkle isn’t this rich,
Hypocritical, snivelling, mother fucking bitch.
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I testified. I was strong. I cried. I was factual & most importantly I was honest.
Unfortunately, we ran out of time and they scheduled the next court date for September 19th.
Thank you for everyone’s love & support, I can’t explain how much it has meant to me. So much love. ❤️
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In the hospital with a ruptured cyst. Side note, been awhile since something burst inside of me.
*send memes
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5 min. after I die:
**Karate kicks open the gates of hell, tosses bra into the fire, slaps Satan's ass**
"Momma's home, where's the fucking whiskey?"
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My little guy bought me the ugliest necklace ever for $1.00 at his schools Christmas yard sale and I can not wait to rock the fuck out of it at work today!
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If your chain didn’t fall off your bike when you were little, and you didn’t turn that motherfucker upside down and instantly become an 8 year old mechanic, then you’re too young to be dateable.
- future dating bio
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Canadians are nice until we fucking aren’t.
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There needs to be a word that’s not as gross sounding as “panties” but not as geriatric sounding as “underwear.”
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My new vibrator arrived! See ya all in August.
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10 years ago my goal was to compete in my first triathlon.
Fast forward to this morning and me kicking an ice cube underneath the fridge because I didn’t want to bend over to pick it up.
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Do you ever think about your ex and say to yourself, it was an honour to love and know you. It wasn’t meant to last a lifetime but I’ll remember the very best parts of it forever.
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I haven’t had or seen a cock in so long I’m afraid I’d look at it and tears of joy would spring to my face. Or I’d try to plug it in and charge it.
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My ex and I are sitting down with our son tonight to tell him he’s autistic. I know in the grand scheme it’ll be fine. It’s just, after today, that’s it, he’ll never not know that. He’s an amazing child, but no parent dreams of the day they tell their kid this.
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I just fixed a fence at the farm where the goats were escaping with the underwire of my bra. Fuck you MacGyver.
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And much like the tub of ice cream in a grocery store, I too want to be licked and then left alone.
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My favourite hobby is getting your dick hard in places where your dick shouldn’t be getting hard.
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My vibrator just submitted a vacation request.
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Smoked a joint for the first time in 20 years last night. I slept 7 hours, woke up this morning with my arms in yoga pants as they were cold at one point in the night & when I went to shower this morning there was a lighter and a bag of chips in my tub.
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I hit my second deer in a week and a half last night. First time it happened, I cried. Last night I called it a cocksucker.
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Men, you want someone who’s unpredictable, has a lot of snacks, slender with large eyes and has zero issue shoving nuts in their mouth. It’s a squirrel. Get a fucking squirrel.
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Maybe I should try dating again...I mean there has to something so rewarding and fulfilling about the possibility of meeting that one person who truly “gets” you.
*masturbates*
Never mind
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Relationship Status:
🔳 Single
🔳 In A Relationship
🔳 Dating
🔳 Married
☑️ Made breakfast for 2. Ate both.
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Rules To Teach Your Son
1. Carry jumper cables
2. Save yourself the headache, put the toilet seat down
3. Pick up the bar tab when it’s your turn. If you’re broke, stay home
4. If friends help you move, beer and pizza is on you
5. Never lick a steak knife
6. Call your mother
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So that guy did not appreciate my yelp review of his dick pic.
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I wish I could thank you all. Grab a beer, a coffee, chat. I want to thank you all, without knowing, you lifted me up out of a very dark place. I wish you all the very best and my sincerest and humblest thank you. (Except the guy who sent me the cumtribute, you can fuck off).
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Today I watched my kid get the winning goal for his hockey teams championship. He’s not the top scorer on his team but he’s worked hard this year and it’s paid off. He’ll remember that moment forever. For 60 minutes, we forgot everything except the love of the game.
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In honour of Alyssa Milano’s call to boycott sex I made sure to show my vibrator who the boss was last night.
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There’s always that one asshole bird at 4am.
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Hold up. People meet each other from here and have sex? You assholes didn’t think I should know this??
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Any woman who wears a beige bra on a first date has long ago decided that sex will not be happening. Sorry. It was out of your hands.
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IF. YOU. DON’T. LIKE. WHAT. SOMEONE. TWEETS. SCROLL. THE. FUCK. ON.
simple
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I like the idea of starting to date again but I hate the idea of things like leaving the house, having to meet you, small talk or sharing my snacks.
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I don’t want a nice guy. I want a real man. Flaws and all. Fuck perfect.
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At my age you come across a lot of ‘no baggage’ people. I’m sorry, how the fuck did you get to this point in your life with no baggage. Bring it. Share it. What did it teach you? How did it make you stronger? Can you find humour in it now? Fuck your ‘no baggage.’
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
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Top Canadian Sex Positions
Toronto Totem Pole
Buttered Up Flapjack
Muskoka Milk Bag
Two-Handed Zamboni
Reverse Wayne Gretzky
Triple Tusk My Walrus
Full Mountie
Musty Goaltender
Kokanee Kunt Krusher
Pick Up Your Doggy Poop Style
Cleaver My Beaver
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I apologize, sincerely, and from the bottom of my heart if my tweets have ever offended you.
Pussy.
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I miss having a reason to have my beaver waxed. Shits so out of control right now I’m pretty sure fur traders in the 1820’s would be making huge bank off of this pelt.
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While changing a catheter today my elderly male dementia patient said ‘Andrea (not my name), you’re an angel. My piss hole doesn’t even hurt.’ Then he patted me on the tit and shuffled away.
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High School Me: Goes to work on zero sleep, still drunk from night before, throws up at work, still works shift, parties again that same night.
Adult Me: Sleepy time tea at 7:30pm & gets a Charlie horse while masturbating.
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Is it really THAT bad to call an obnoxious, bully of an older kid a ‘Dick Head?’
Because I did. Last night. And my son said to me ‘Mom! You called that kid a D.H.!!’
I said ‘No, son, I called that bully a Dick Head.’
*waits for Dick Heads parents to call*
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It’s oral sex, not a blind taste testing. Take that timid tongue home.
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