CJ Sullivan
@CJSullivan_
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Comic, gambler, hater of Bio Writing. Host of "Bottom Line Bombs" Live Mon & Thu at Noon PT. , @sgpn Album on iTunes
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Joined June 2009
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Pinned Tweet
The Road to $10 Million has begun. Sweat the Journey…
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My son wrote a letter to his favorite basketball player, and now I have all the feelings. So proud.
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Bud Light really misjudged the room about people giving a shit if there's corn syrup in their alcohol or not.
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Hey, the jerk store called...they said our Jamaican chicken delivery will be late, so they're giving us extra plantains. Real nice people.
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On this Easter Sunday, please say a prayer for all the servers working brunch being tipped 4% and a note from a 12 top of Christians.
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If you are shocked by the Pope slapping a woman's hand, wait till you hear about Catholic school.
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At this point, I'd be more interested in hot Pringles in my area.
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So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.
- Sent from my new iPhone6!
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If still alive, Kurt Cobain would've turned 50 today. Also, he'd be the greatest rocker ever to have survived a shotgun blast to the face.
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It's cool how old, offensive tweets could cost you a job on a comedy show but not the job of U.S. President.
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TSA tried to take my 3 bottle pack of hot sauces. So, I drank them all while maintaining eye contact & said, "Put me on a Watch This list!"
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Lebron should sign 10 day contracts all year with every team in the League.
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When you remember your Monday flight to Hawaii is nonrefundable and you gotta go to Oakland instead "
@SeanFarnham
: ”
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"Isn't there anything else on TV tonight?" - Scottie Pippen's agent
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Sorry I called animal control when I saw you eat a tomato like an apple.
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Bought a Ring Light to give my selfies that extra pop. Life changing. Highly recommend.
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What idiot called it Apollo 13, instead of the Moon Tang Clan?
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I thought I enjoyed Eminem's new album, until I read later that I didn't.
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Got a tattoo of the word "Memento" on my arm, so I remember to finish the movie.
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Think I finally figured out the offside rule in soccer. When the ball is in the air, if it appears anything remotely exciting could happen, that play is offside.
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Hard to trust Trump as the person with their finger on the nuclear button, when he can't even control himself with "Send" on Twitter.
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Can't believe people spend money on Ambien to help get to sleep, when it's totally free to watch people's Instagram stories.
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Ultimate Frisbee is a great sport, because even if you are the best player of all time, you're still not as good as a dog.
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Talk about being born in the wrong time...if you could fix teeth AND kill lions 4000 years ago, you would be a God!
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No, I will not allow you to use my current location. You're a cooking website. Just give me the Garlic Chicken recipe, and show some chill
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Cop: You're being charged with murder. Your story doesn't check out. You ain't got no alibi
Jerk Cop: You Ugly! U-G-L-Y...Ugly!
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I tripped over a Byrd scooter on my walk today, and it's the lead story on SportsCenter.
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You can't pay college football players, it would ruin the innocence of the Franklin American Mortgage Taxslayer Bahama Bowl.
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Watching "Goodfellas" on basic cable, is like eating a turkey burger. What's the mother fudging point?
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If there's a telethon for Ferguson, Mike Myers has gotta yell "Barack Obama don't care about black people!" in front of Kanye for a laugh.
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Another mass shooting. It's amazing how these gunmen continue to get around all of the thoughts and prayers that politicians have imposed.
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Kanye is just a tortured artist that other people can't understand.
Van Gogh - "Hold my ear...."
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Got a $5 milkshake and thought, "Pulp Fiction" really predicted the future. Mainly, because my date OD'd on the heroin in my pocket
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Eating a turkey burger is like watching "Goodfellas" on basic cable.
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End of Round 1 and Drago lands 34 out of 34 power punches. Let's see if Creed can bounce back
#Rocky4
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I love this time on Twitter. The wastelands. Only time I feel I belong.
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R.I.P. to Kenny. This is so terrible, I just donated to his recovery fund too. (Fuck off, he would’ve loved that joke)
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Rocky had faith in his fighter, but it proved to be wrong. I'm sorry to report that legendary Apollo Creed is dead.
#Rocky4
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I’m a good person. Came across an elderly gentleman, who was sitting in this car with the alarm going off for a while. He was clearly helpless and confused in how to get this deafening noise to end. I stopped and came over to help him figure out how to disable it. (1/3)
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I always agree with someone's conspiracy theory...because it ends the conversation.
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Wow! Shocking news at press conference! Drago shows no remorse after murdering a man and schedules another immediate fight w/ Rocky
#Rocky4
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Actually, it's Beverly Hills 9-Zero-2-1-Zero. "O" is a letter, not a number. I know, it hurts to be wrong for so long, but it's no need to cry. Where are you going?
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Condolences to the cable news networks that didn't get to cover the race riots they fought so hard to start.
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Rocky not only accepts offer, taking no time to grieve, but agrees to put his life on the line for $0.00 salary. In Russia no less!
#Rocky4
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Favorite Kenny Rogers gambling story (thread):
Years ago, my former manager spent a Vegas weekend with Kenny Rogers as a part of his small circle. They were playing Blackjack at Caesars and naturally, a crowd started to form around The Gambler.
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Pop stars refusing to play Trump's inauguration, who gladly accept millions to perform for other world dictators are the true heroes.
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Monday the 13th is way more evil than anything Friday has to offer.
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Crazy bread is just regular bread that wishes Happy Birthday to celebrities on social media.
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Not saying we're easily impressed, but one time a boxer put an indoor grill on a slant and we gave him a billion dollars.
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Can you mail edibles to someone in jail? Asking for a friend. Who is in jail. And wants drugs. Sent to him. In jail. From me.
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Sadly, your FitBit can't count the number of steps it takes to get to what you're really running from.
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*Tries to fave a text message to signify the end of conversation*
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Receiving a compliment on your order from the waiter is tee ball. They want your money. Getting a nod of approval on an item from the grocery store clerk, now THAT'S big league. They don't have any skin in the game.
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Creed is down and out early in Round 2 after Drago kept up his 100% power punch accuracy. Trainer Balboa hesitated with white towel
#Rocky4
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Kirk Cousins: "Well, at least I'll always be the best anti vax QB."
Aaron Rodgers: "Hold my Xanthorrhizol immunosuppressant".
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"Hey, can I call you back? I'm on the bus right now." - Nobody on this bus
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When the owner asked me to hang around and give a statement to the police, I declined. "Listen pal, I already did my one good deed of the day." I'm a good person, not a great one. (3/3)
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Hard to blame Eric Church for choosing to attend a basketball game over an Eric Church concert.
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I accidentally commented on a political Facebook thread, now I have to drop my computer off in the woods.
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So everyone just loves the Puppy Bowl, but Michael Vick is scum right? Hypocrites
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Shocked that Dre's self produced biopic didn't include the part where he physically beat women.
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Child: Daddy, why was I born?
Parent: Well, years ago there was this thing called Corona, & it led to me and mommy knowing each other very well
C: Why isn't Mommy here?
P: Well, years ago there was this thing called Corona, & it led to me & mommy knowing each other very well
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Well, my Ambien shopping just made quarantine a bit more stressful.
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There are two types of people...those who pre rinse dishes before putting them in the washer and heinous monsters that burn animals for fun.
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I like the USA network. Not to watch, but just that it's still there. Knows it's lane. A sporatic semi hit show like 'Monk' or 'Suits'. An occasional hockey playoff game. Nothing splashy. Just enough to keep the lights on. Respect.
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Most Amber Alerts are divorced dads getting the dates mixed up.
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One thing we all can agree on, is that Aunt Carol's new stuffing recipe was a fucking disaster.
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Years from now, Jenna Jameson will reflect on her life and realize that endorsing Mitt Romney was easily the most shameful thing she's done.
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Mike Huckabee should just go all the way and have Bill Cosby as his running mate.
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Faving someone's tweet you are sitting next to is the new eye contact.
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Jaguar player got called for a Delay of Game for spinning the ball after an interception. Then, they played 5 minutes of commercials.
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Much respect to Caitlyn Jenner for making everyone not care she killed a woman with her car 3 months ago.
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"What's your address?" - Men announcing their engagement to friends
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I got mustard on my shirt that I removed, so I would not get mustard on it.
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As if the news isn't bad enough, My Album got released today. Buy me on for size, and Try it today!
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Christian Bale gaining 40 pounds to play Dick Cheyney is cultural appropriation!
#ActorsInFatFace
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Shout out to the inmate bragging that he killed Whitey Bulger. He was 89, dude. Congrats, on chopping up glass in his Metamusil.
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Jalen Rose's player comparison for Sam Dekker was Jimmy Chitwood from the movie "Hoosiers".
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Two years sober today. Life has not improved at all. I make a few more flights now, that's about it. Do NOT recommend.
#Gratitude
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I get it LeBron, I also moved to L.A. ten years too late for no good reason.
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