Dr. Bucky Isotope, arbiter of potato nomenclature
@BuckyIsotope
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114,183
Following
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Media
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Statuses
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Hell, I love everybody.
Colorado, USA
Joined October 2011
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呪術廻戦
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FEMA
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#朝ドラおむすび
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The Purge
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Pinned Tweet
ME: Is he going to make it?
DOCTOR: No. I’m afraid he’s down with the sickness
ME: *crying* oohwahahahah
DOCTOR: *holds hand* oohwahahahah
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Does Jesus know he was born during Toyotathon
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If the average billionaire just had one less caramel Frappuccino per week they’d be able to afford to pay their taxes
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TRUMP: lets play chess
MIKE PENCE: sure Mr. President
TRUMP: my horse guy flies across the board and hits your king in the face. I win
MIKE PENCE: excellent game Mr. President
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ME: alexa play Wu Tang Clan
ALEXA: no
ME: why not
ALEXA: look in a mirror…you’re wearing cargo shirts, calf high socks, sandals and a Spider-man t-shirt
ME: …
ALEXA: here’s some Imagine Dragons
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If I’m reading this right Hillary just won the NCAA basketball championship
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ATTENTION NORTH KOREA: when you go to nuke us I made a handy map to make sure you hit the right place. You’re welcome.
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*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer
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Can’t believe the government has been hiding this from us
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Over there sits your childhood stuffed animal slowly losing atoms to chaos. Piece by piece he says goodbye. Piece by piece you join him.
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Beef Wellington is just a fancy corn dog, don’t argue with me
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
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The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
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ME: *slams buzzer* MUFFIN FUCKER?
PAT: 1) we don’t have buzzers 2) that doesn’t even fit 3) I’ll give you $20 to leave now
ME: no deal Howie
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I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat
“Go ahead”
Is there a 😭?
“There are 14”
I’d like to solve. ‘OMG LOL I CAN’T EVEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭’
“You got it”
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Nobody else in this Taco Bell is as goth as me
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Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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Mario holds Luigi’s hand. “It’sa me, Mario” he sobs. Luigi stares blankly into the distance, recognizing no one, his mind ravaged by disease
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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Why isn't a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
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All sex is a threesome if you remember Jesus is always there
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Just owning an English teacher what’s up with you
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MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
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My dad left for cigarettes and never came back so I'm going to trap a new one
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Take on bees
(Take on bees)
Take them on
(Take on bees)
I’ve been stung
In the
*super high voice*
Baaaaaaaaaaaalls
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Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes "whoa".
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IF YOU ARE A SASQUATCH DO NOT READ THIS TWEET
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SASQUATCHES YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED DO NOT READ
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LAST WARNING FOR SASQUATCH TYPES
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Sasquatch’s wife, hello
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Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
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ME: where’s the bathroom
MC ESCHER: its upstairs
ME: fuck you
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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If we ban guns then criminals will just throw bullets at us really hard
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DONALD = 6 LETTERS
JOHN = 6 LETTERS
TRUMP = 6 LETTERS
DONALD J TRUMP = 666
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I CHIMED IN WITH A HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE EVER HEARD OF BARNEY THE DINOSAUR
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“You ever dropped acid?”
*flashback to the chemistry class accident with my lab partner Gary “No Feet” Johnson*
No
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I waved my hands in the air like I just didn’t care but it was all a facade. I did care. I loved you so much. It still hurts. I still wave.
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Thanos done fucked up
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*Cyclops from the X-Men joins police as detective*
*studies body*
Looks like we have a-
*whips off sunglasses*
*blasts body to pieces*
SHIT
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GOD BLESS ANTARCTICA
HAMBURGER GLOVE
STAND INSIDE HERB
HANG GLIDERS
IN THE PLACE
WHERE NINJAS
FALL IN LOVE
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Oh we're halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
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PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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REPUBLICANS: *control House*
REPUBLICANS: *control Senate*
REPUBLICANS: *control Presidency*
REPUBLICANS: This is all the Democrats fault
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The word “muppet” derives from “puppet” mixed with “murderer”
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JIM NANTZ: welcome to today’s game
TONY ROMO: the final score will be 31-17
JIM NANTZ: what?
TONY ROMO: *eyes turn black* FOOTBALL
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*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What's updog?
WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
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So you had a dad day
Your socks are dark brown
You put your cargo shorts on
And you walked around town
You had a dad day
You had a dad day
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I don’t remember this episode
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KID: can I have my ball back
JESUS: fuck you
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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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yes sex is cool but have you ever heard of closing the goddamn door it’s much better to face these things with a sense of poise and rationality
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That’s as American as:
A) apple pie
B) baseball
C) outsourcing jobs to other countries
D) gun violence
E) white Jesus
F) all of the above
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RIP Tony “Stephen” Hawk, renowned physicist and skateboarding legend
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TOUGH GUY: I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum and I’m all out of gum
ME: I have an extra piece
TOUGH GUY: Thank you
ME: You’re welcome
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My dad died today. Not a surprise, it’s been coming, but it still sucks. Contrary to any “jokes” I’ve ever posted, he was a good dad. RIP.
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I wrapped my cat in aluminum foil so government spy satellites cannot monitor when I kiss him on the lips
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*doctor looks up*
I'm afraid you have forgetting about 80's bands disease
"Oh god what's The Cure?"
*doctor sighs*
It's worse than I thought
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What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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A baby Yoda implies some other Yodas had Yoda sex
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*digs up family time capsule*
Son, look at those awful clothes and your hair cut
"Dad we just buried this last week*
*stares at son*
I know
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Dungeons AND dragons? In this economy??
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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TRUMP: Hello Ice Cube
KANYE WEST: No my name is *whispers to aide* what’s my name again?
TRUMP: Love your work on Law & Order
KANYE WEST: was I on that? I bet I was. Thank you George Bush
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The “AR” in AR-15 doesn’t stand for “assault rifle” idiots it stands for Aaron Rodgers, quarterback of the Green Bay Packers who also invented it in 1937
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CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I'm listening
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*builds time machine*
*travels back to first Thanksgiving*
*slaps cranberries out of pilgrim's hand*
You're not making this a thing
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"What's that?"
That's a T-Rex
"That?"
Pterodactyl
"That one?"
Apatosaurus
"This?"
That's Gary. He fucks the dinosaurs at night.
*Gary waves*
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Ted Cruz sits in a closet alone making two Barbies kiss. "I will ban this when I'm the President," he whispers. "I will ban this so hard."
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*extremely blink-182 voice*
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
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*does entire Indianapolis 500 with right blinker on*
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JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you're charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it's when your anaconda don't want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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My dad died being rocked like a hurricane you son of a bitch
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A man walks into a horse bar. Why the short face, asks the horse bartender. The man begins crying. He is the last human left on horse world.
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ME: I’d like to buy a vowel
PAT SAJAK: ok
ME: are there any *jaws unhinge* [unholy demonic screeches from the lower pits of hell]
PAT SAJAK: *eyes turn black* THERE ARE SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY SIX
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"There is no wrong way to eat a Reese's" I sob as I cram them into both barrels of a loaded shotgun and put it in my mouth. I die delicious.
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My father was killed in a Baja blast you son of a bitch
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What’s your favorite song about being welcomed to a jungle
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When I die put two Oreo Double-Stuft cookies on my eyes so hell knows a true warrior is coming
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TRUMP: did I win any of these golden globes
MIKE PENCE: *pretends to check phone* You did, Mr. President
TRUMP: what was I nominated for
MIKE PENCE: *pauses* Best President Ever with the Best Hair and the Best Brain
TRUMP: phenomenal
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*clerk puts up 50% off cargo shorts sign*
*ground rumbles*
*manager runs out*
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*dads crash thru wall with Discover cards*
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There are people who complain about a day raising awareness for women’s issues but are okay with a day for groundhogs
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★★☆☆☆ Bad service. I had to climb a fence to get in then the waiters tackled me. Didn't get my burrito.
http://t.co/L0LKg9DTsf
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ME: *wakes up from nap* I am extremely woke
WIFE: that’s not what that means
ME: ok fam
WIFE: I want a divorce
ME: this is not fleek at all
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*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
"Just take off the mittens"
MY HANDS ARE COLD
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Can’t believe this is our President’s actual signature
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The year is 2069. The $420 bill is printed featuring President George W. Kush. World peace ensues.
http://t.co/X2dGl2NMER
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Only 1490's kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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