Brock
@Brock_Teee
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Deep Fried Philosopher, Common Sense Advocate
Alabammy
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
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Your elementary school wasn't normal unless you had random square dancing lessons during PE class.
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If you sleep wrong and your neck hurts all day, everyone has to know about it.
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I've never told anyone this, but I once wandered into one Dollar General and came out of another one down the street.
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A horror movie but it's just seeing a bunch of people you know at the store and there's nowhere to hide.
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"Time is a human construct." I wrote on my kid's school tardy excuse.
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Drank a boatload of caffeine on an empty stomach, so naturally I'm somewhere between a raging bull and a chihuahua.
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Nothing worse than leaving home without your small talk flash cards.
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Tipping is getting out of hand, my cousin went to the beach recently and after petting the dolphins, one of them held out an iPad for a tip.
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Accidentally say "expresso" one time in front of the wrong people and your life is over.
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I need another eclipse very soon, that end of the world feeling is exhilarating.
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I love drinking cement through a straw, otherwise known as a milkshake.
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Drink water and coffee to stay hydrated and focused, also take less bathroom breaks so you can be more productive. Then go to the hospital when your organs start failing.
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
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As a child, I had a void in my soul that only Nickelodeon slime could fill.
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Some people should have to get a license to use a shopping cart.
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Interviewer: Have you worked under extreme pressure before?
Me: Does being snowed in with 5 kids and working from home with a toddler on my head count?
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I'm not the main character, I'm that extra in the back that keeps going in and out of the revolving door.
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"I don't mean to be insulting" is the best way to start a good insult.
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I'm skeptical when somebody asks me for money on the street. Like, how do I know that they won't just go buy some live, laugh, love decor with it?
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Scariest thing you can be for Halloween this year is the Cost of Living.
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Incite panic in Publix by greeting someone in the produce section with "Blessed be the fruit."
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Having to eat the heel of a loaf of bread is my villain origin story.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that's why trolling them is so vital.
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I stay up late every night so I can blame all my mistakes on being tired.
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When someone bookmarks your tweet, it goes in that small pocket in their jeans.
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Imagine bringing a snowman to life just to watch him die a horrific death.
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All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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I learned from Twitter this week that the whole world square danced in the 90's and that is frightening.
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The sky is the limit, because you'll literally suffocate if you go any further.
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Don't waste your life laughing at jokes online, get in those replies and wage a serious war on humor.
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One thing the Dollar General cashier and I have in common is neither one of us know if I want a receipt.
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One time I sat in my car beside the drive-thru speaker for 10 minutes, at a Burger King that appeared to be open but was closed. Sometimes I think I might still be there somehow.
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"You can't make this stuff up!"
-that friend who has shockingly normal things happen to them
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Don't invite me to a murder mystery party if no one has an exotic Southern accent.
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As a dad, the measure of success of a joke is the intensity of silence after delivery.
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Fun fact: There are more cooking shows than cashiers at Walmarts in the US.
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Aliens are falling from the sky and I'll still be at work tomorrow like a chump.
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In an alternate universe, Groundhog people pull an old human named Phil out of his bed and let his mood predict the weather.
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If you listen to an Imagine Dragons song backwards, a middle-aged guy in cargo shorts will appear out of a cloud of vape and give you life advice.
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I'm sorry, I'm not as eager to answer your call as my voicemail greeting might imply.
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If only there was a cheddar cheese room at work, where employees could just eat unlimited shredded cheese when the days gets tough.
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Return lines at Walmart prove that your attempts to please your estranged, extended family with random clearance items was futile.
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Word on the street is you can now pay off an orca to sink someone's boat.
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Turned 37 today and thought I was old, so I looked up old high school friends on Facebook to make myself feel better.
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"Can I see your license and registration please?"
Me: Sir, you are a Walmart door greeter.
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Earlier I was struggling with what I want to be for Halloween, then I remembered I'm 37.
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It's too hot outside to mow my lawn, I think I might be okay with machines taking over.
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“When it’s hot outside, I get an attitude.”
-People who already have an attitude
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If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
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If I have to talk on the phone to make something happen, it wasn't meant to be.
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If I could turn back time, I'd make the most of it and go warm up my breakfast another minute in the microwave instead of settling for lukewarm.
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Walk a mile in my shoes, but stay on the paved road, so I don't have to clean them.
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Don't let the subculture of your local Dollar General define you.
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Hope my neighbors grill out this weekend, cuz when they turn their back they're gonna be like Adam and missing a rib.
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I'm taking a break from social media to focus more on being better than everyone else.
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Throwback to when I was 8 and found out the Grammy Awards wasn't just an award show for Grandmas.
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In traffic I prefer the car in front of me to brake consistently while maintaining a slow speed... it really helps my anger management.
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A Black Mirror episode where everything you say during the day turns into a tweet.
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You know your youth has passed when untrimmed nose hairs start interfering with your everyday life.
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If you don't like your local Dollar General's staff, don't worry there will be a whole new one the next day.
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I've been around for 37 years and I still don't believe Root Beer floats.
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