limp brittzkit
@Brittymigs
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Following
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Statuses
19,636
she/her NY based comedian & little idiot @meatcats @reductress @cracked mgmt: tommy @frameworkent .com
NYC
Joined March 2010
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Pinned Tweet
I decided to make artwork out of the different ways my mom has botched celebs/show names
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No piece of comedy is as funny as your friend accidentally saying a word a little bit wrong
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Moms love to go “did you hear?” and then proceed to tell you the saddest story you’ve ever heard in your life
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*me sitting like a cooked shrimp* why does my back hurt
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Maybe just me but i think the micro plastics add a lot of flavor
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This one frame in Signs is the reason i didn’t sleep for all of 2002
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Do Airbnb hosts just like mentally block out the fact that people have fucked all over their home
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Will i understand Dune if i haven’t seen a shit ton of sand before
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I need an upside down water bottle next to my bed like a hamster
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Hey I’m at antifa HQ & but i forgot my swipey thing at my desk can someone come let me in? I’m in the 4th floor stairwell
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not the fart tacklebox
leaving this on my nightstand in case i get peckish in the night
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Just found this old picture of my grandma and great aunt ❤️ they ran a small dairy farm in upstate NY
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Stop making diners modern. I want them to look like shit. I want them to be made by a Greek family in 1972 and never updated
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When people announce the length of their newborn I’m like ok are they a party sub??
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no free healthcare in this country, just a little red monster who asks you if you’re okay on twitter
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“My baby is finally eating solids!” Call me when it can handle the razorsharp edges of a crab rangoon
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my divorced parents (who are on good terms/friends but don’t speak regularly) got me the exact same card for my birthday this year🥲🥲
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if you dislike salt and vinegar chips it means you lack courage and strength of character
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men are like nooo that’s my emotional support mushy flat yellow stained pillow
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one thing no one is talking about is Sabrina Carpenter's impact on people finally (correctly) saying "espresso" instead of "expresso"
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being the most online friend in a group chat today is no easy task. i’m sending tweets, memes, copypastas, keeping everyone entertained. shoutout to my fellow sisters in arms
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Something i do that you can steal: whenever a pompous dude tells me the prestigious institution where he went to college i ask him if it was his safety school
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Bathing suit companies these days are like “Oh you have labia? Sorry!!!! We don’t do that :/“
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I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
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yikes. unfollowing now. loved his handcrafted doll work. didn’t know he was putting a ball of demon smoke inside their heads which led the fathers of young girls to murder their whole family
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1939: my husband is going off to war
2022: i am helping my husband choose which jibbitz to put on his crocs
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it is so embarrassing when u hold a baby and they immediately start crying like omg is my vibe totally fucked, be honest with me
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Comedian in 1985: i made a joke about how women shop and now i am famous
Comedian in 2021: i do sketch, standup, improv, satire, i make dumb lil videos on tik tok, i have a podcast, a web series, 3 features, 5 pilots, i’m on twitter 22 hours per day & can’t afford rent
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Me and my friends watching the full length Barbie trailer
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So close!! That is a banana 💕
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i always forget that the masked singer is a real show and not like a subplot on 30 rock
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how i feel when im back home and my mom sends me on an errand
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You’re in her DMs. I’m in her DMs. We are both presenting her with the opportunity to be her own boss and make disposable income this is not a pyramid scheme
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My wife and i saw you from across the bar and we absolutely hate your vibe, we were wondering what the fuck is wrong with you
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By age 30 you should have at least one ex who completely ruined your life
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Telling my husband not to cheat by saying “we have pussy at home”
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“Your cat is gonna eat you when you die” okay?? I’m an organ donor
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Dentist: have you been flossing?
*mouth pooling with blood*
Me: most definitely
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conan is truly living the dream right now, which is being eulogized without dying
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Does everyone have ONE restaurant they went to growing up that was used for every single occasion no matter the mood (birthday, graduation, parents divorce announcement, post-funeral meal) or just my family
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Are you wearing the ludi—
The ludicrously capacious bag? Yeah I am.
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when i plug my phone into my computer and it says “do you trust this computer” it’s like idk girl do YOU??? aren’t you guys cousins or something?
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Station Eleven was one of the most beautiful and profound series i’ve ever watched and i feel like it got lost in the shuffle?? it was nominated for emmys but every time i ask someone if they watched it they’ve never heard of it
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I honestly do think it is the perfect punishment for Kellyanne that her gen z daughter torture her in her own house for eternity
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“My mental illness is my superpower” that’s cool mine prevents me from doing everyday tasks
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I know he’d run the front desk of the White Lotus like it’s the navy
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wrote this headline bc if you are transphobic you are also very dumb 😇
‘We MUST Have Strictly Enforced Gender Testing in the Olympics,’ Says Uncle Who Thinks All Cats Are Girls and All Dogs Are Boys:
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elmo wants you to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear—
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You’ll feel so good about yourself and then your mom is like “so what’s going on with your eyebrows”
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i like that i get to choose whether or not to opt into current meme cycle for example i’m gonna sit the demure one out it just doesn’t call to me but i genuinely hope everyone has fun
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she sold her vape to buy him the new zelda game… he sold his switch to buy her cartridges…. 💔
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Sci-fi is when big boob robot, fantasy is when big boob elf
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guys please be nice to keke's bf 😔 he actually suffers from a really serious condition that a lot of other men have: dork ass insecure loser disease
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Be gay, do crimes, & protect black trans lives 🤙🏼
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for some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing
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Hairdresser: you like?
Me *visibly shaking and crying*: i love it
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Me writing a script: hell yeah I’m writing a script
Me trying to come up with a character name: uhhhhh is Blorpo a name
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Omg so sorry I’m late a witch put a curse on me when I was born that prevents me from being on time to anything
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the twitter photo cropping algorithm is my greatest enemy and i will not rest until one of us is dead. anyways enjoy
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ABBA is timeless. You could play it for a pilgrim and they’d bop
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he’s currently in 3 different situationships with girls in bushwick
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The fact that AMC isn't doing a Barbie/Oppenheimer double feature package seems like a real missed opportunity?? My friends and i are genuinely looking to do this and there isn't such a thing available
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If i went to medical school for nearly a decade and was actively trying to save the world from a deadly virus and someone was like “no i can’t get vaxxed my cousin on Facebook shared a really compelling infographic” to my face, i would honestly launch myself into the sea
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Happy pride from the absolute last person you wanna hear it from (bisexual woman in hetero relationship)
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