b
@BrandonColon09
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2,163
Following
505
Media
2,023
Statuses
23,847
hospitality is my forté | being on time is not | stay at home father | professional knitter | scrabble enthusiast | Anne Hathaway's #1 fan
New York, NY
Joined November 2015
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Last Seen Profiles
I don’t want a plus one on the guest list, I want a minus one. The right to choose 1 person that will be ejected from the club, no questions asked
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alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m also working on some pretty big stuff
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joe rogan: the titanic movie was fake because ice could never damage a metal ship
guest, historian: no it was real, that happened
joe: not possible no. if i whack an ice cube with a hammer, which one is gonna break
guest: that’s not the same thi-
joe: jamie google hammers
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I am a firm believer that people who are meant to be in your life will come back no matter how far they may wander.
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Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex bc I still talk to her ex… MA that’s my DAD 😭
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Gonna start a bar where people can eat handfuls of shredded cheese over the kitchen sink, but in a social way
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*explaining chicago style pizza to someone* imagine an above-ground pool
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gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing
father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
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When some roided out 42 year old dude try's to sucker you at brunch bc his ex likes you more than him...
#hestough
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@Patrick0615
@Jokeeee_
Nah man, Kirk actually has his moments. This MFer got literally nothing lmao
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I promise she’s not flirting with you. She’s literally just hot and talking.
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I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.
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Ma’am, that season was 11 years ago
There’s a QB right there in New Jersey who took a team to a Super Bowl and a NFC championship game. Rhymes with Happernick.
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me: i don't know if these shrooms are working
pikachu voiced by george clooney: take more
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S/o to
@Garry_Gilliam
on getting that W today. Played like a mad man, per usual. Next stop...DIVISIONAL ROUND!
#GOHAWKS
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Hate when mofos at the club try to act tough because I’ve been in the bathroom for 45 minutes. I got here first. I’m not doing coke. I’m shitting and playing games on my phone. I paid the cover so I’m allowed to be in here.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Panic At The Disco
panic at the disco
Panic @ the Disco
Panic! at Th...
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Ladies:
If he still chooses to wear a mask while flying, he’s not gonna do that thing you like.
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I mean, Donald Trump schooled him AND Cruz (national debate champ at Harvard LOL) in many of the primary debates in 2016 by talking in circles and saying tremendous a lot
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So far this is the tweet of 2017. Y'all have 363 more days to top it
New year, new me... *blacks out NYE, gets McDonalds breakfast, takes 5 naps a day and doesn't move from bed for a solid 30 hours*
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
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Nearly 60% of Minisink Valley's current school district population are first generation transplants from NYC, LI, NJ, or elsewhere. More times than not...families choose to live there over "Washingtonville" bc your athletic & academia climate has consistently been awful for years
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MV baby!
Minisink Valley senior libero Molly Clayton is the Varsity 845 volleyball player of the year
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5 foot 8 white kid from Clemson that looks like he's 12 we all just found out is Alabama's kryptonite
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I love how music takes you away to another place. For example, Creed is playing at this bar, so now I'm going to another bar.
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Taking applications for a girlfriend to power couple with this summer. Must be at least 5'7 and must know how to twerk. Bcolon324
@gmail
.com
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THERAPIST: i’d like you to try acting more confident
ME: ok [clears throat] i KNOW im the worst
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Crazy story. (From last week)
A wife & mother of 2 was in my lobby waiting for her friend to get home from work. She sees me walking into my building, groceries in hand, and comes up to me and asks if she can come up to my apartment. Kinda taken aback I go…uhh is everything ok?
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No darling, your love life isn't "complicated". You're just fucking a guy who won't call you his girlfriend.
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GIRL AT BAR: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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wikipedia: please. please just give me one dollar i'm begging you give me anything
me: [trying to look up who the first person to milk a cow was] shut the fuck up
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Girl I met on Saturday who had to tell me how great her BJs were lol. I was like… YEAH SURE.
To be fair, was top notch lol
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I’ve decided.
The new Paris Café will be 25+ on weekend nights.
In this business, you gotta set yourself apart from the rest. It’s about creating anomalies and becoming one.
Happy to be the first bar in NYC to have this rule in a long time
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@BarstoolTrent
@KFCBarstool
There’s only one water tower that matters. And it’s in Urbania, Ohio. Home of the O’Shea brothers... and of course... Becky the Icebox
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@inyourlivinroom
@ClayTravis
Clemson beating Alabama in 2019 44-16. Shutting them out in the 2nd half. Bama was
#1
going in.
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Trick or treating in the Northeast sucked shit growing up because I could never be just spider man I was always spider man with a fucking jacket
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Guys family might have rigged the 50/50 but it was pretty cool seeing a MV grad at the Mets game big screen
#Mayos
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girl: I come from old money
me: *waving around a nickel from 1945* this doing anything for you
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@joshtpm
@AshaRangappa_
Say what you will. Peter Strzok does not lack intelligence or the capabilities to convey his adamant feelings lol
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i want the Titanic people found so i can see them go on tv and try to justify why they paid 250K to get in an unregulated submarine steered by a playstation controller
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I remember looking at my cousin’s lamborghini poster as a kid and telling myself that one day I would have one and now here I am today proudly looking at my very own lamborghini poster
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Me: *carefully going around the victims body with chalk*
Detective: We don’t usually outline the balls
Me: oh I’m not a cop lol
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no you didn’t
Amy Schumer: I backed out of ‘Barbie’ because it wasn’t feminist enough
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@josephsessa3
@thefake_mglocks
Open Bar at Common Ground for anyone that went to Minisink this Friday to celebrate Yale Lax and Sessa09. Vigs has to pay $50, everybody else free admittance. Carli B will be performing and Lakeman will be checking IDs at the door
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confused why "you'll be sleeping with the fishes" is considered a threat. i'm always tired and have an interest in marine life. it sounds nice
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Are you really a 24 year old girl living in Murray Hill if Parry Lee didn't like your Instagram post ?
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A lot of people edit photos. I get it. Even I, myself, have made myself tanner…or whitened my teeth in a smile.
That being said-
These grossly divergent faceapp edits and whatever other apps people are using are insane. THAT IS NOT YOU. 😭😭😭 Not by a mile
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That’s awesome. The men will make millions upon millions from their respective club teams, which the women don’t have the same access to. Also, the women being as dominant as they’ve been…have helped grow soccer in this country exponentially. 👏🏼
Because of US Soccer's new equal pay agreement, men and women split World Cup prize money.
With the USMNT advancing today, the two teams will each receive $6.5 million minimum.
That's more than the USWNT got for winning both the 2015 and 2019 World Cups combined: $6 million.
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I cried. A lot
Mandy Harvey, who is deaf, belted out crystalline notes on “America’s Got Talent” and left the audience in tears
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Today I wanted to wish a very happy birthday to Gretchen Wieners. Love that girl
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Tell him it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality
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I had just dropped out of college.
Moved back to the city to pursue a career in hospitality.
Knew nobody.
Knew nothing.
Just a drive & a dream.
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interviewer: what's your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
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They just played 'Levels' and this girl was going so crazy she slipped off the booth and cracked her two front teeth. I shit you not. Has to be from Bergen County. Has to be
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I swear not one person cares what your AI photos look like. Not even half a person. Not even a midget
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You in her DMs. I’m currently fucking her,
but she’s a whore so you prob next tbh lol
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contrary to the popular Spice Girls belief,
if you wanna be my lover, pls do not get with my friends
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Manny Colón (my father’s uncle) was the first person in our family to own a restaurant/bar. His influence on me and my career has been insurmountable
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college professor: you're currently failing your business ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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I hate it when a woman uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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I’ve always wanted to book
@kaskade
. And now here I am at 30, throwing a festival in Miami with
@kaskade
as one of the headliners.
#WeBelongHere
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adults need to stop getting birthday cakes, those are for children. stick a candle in something more age-appropriate, like a baguette or a pile of cocaine
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chris: what is the problem
lauren: [pointing to me] brandon stole my fucking thesaurus
me: she peddles falsehoods
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Oh and ik this isn’t Oscar news but, “Kirill Was Here” is not dead. Confirmed, him and his girl are weirdly doing this as a long played out April Fools joke. He plans to say SURPRISE still alive on April 1. Pretty stupid lol
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If you're a girl. Actually no. If you're anybody...and the person you're dating "forces you" to block other guys/girls on social media. RUN
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