kelly
@BoyYeetsWorld
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I used to live in South Carolina but now I don’t | extremely successful and wealthy person
Chicago, IL
Joined July 2012
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a month ago i googled the easiest plant to take care of and bought it and now it’s dead
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knocking on my roommate and his girlfriends door at 2am to ask if i can sleep with them because i threw up
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Everyone who has ever tweeted about their psychology professor telling them deep stuff about love is lying for retweets. All We learn in psych classes is how to conduct studies and how Sigmund Freud loved cocaine
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avengers endgame was pretty great, at first i thought the 30 minute sex scene between iron man and captain america was gonna be too much but it ended up being done very tastefully
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maybe the real stimulus check was the friendship we made along the way
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Day drinking is cool until you send a "you up" text at 8pm
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blows my mind that this guy has massive fangs he could tare me apart with but instead he just looks at me like this
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if i were on death row i would simply demand endless pasta from olive garden as my last meal and i would therefore live forever
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one time in middle school i dated a girl for 4 days and when she broke up with me she posted on facebook “sometimes your knight in shining armor is really just a loser in tinfoil” and to this day that the sickest burn i’ve ever gotten
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lock your jaw, only drink iced coffee for 48 hours, take quick shallow breathes, you’ll get through this ❤️
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she left me for the guy who can hit the orange notes on guitar hero again. don't text
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Sorority girls wake up the morning of a tailgate and be like "Let's get this Brad"
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When girls drink 2 vodka sprites and say they're getting bloated it really makes wonder how bloated I look at 2am when I'm 16 Miller Lites deep
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I've promised so many people I would marry them if we are both single at 30 and I honestly can't wait to watch them all fight to the death for my hand in marriage in 7 years
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finstas are just twitters but for people who value the possibility of future employment
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[national dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it
Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it We're dad
Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"*
*entire conference loses their shit*
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dudes posts “i don’t care about your spotify wrapped” then live tweet an entire football game
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becoming a person who wakes up at 7am without an alarm clock it’s fucking disgusting
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mr. peanut has been eliminated, and now charles entertainment cheese’s days are numbered
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trump is gonna be so pissed when he finds out what impeachment is
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incoming freshman boys be like "room B35 ain't ready for us 😤" as if the prior residents of that dorm weren't also chronic masturbators
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one of my social media interns casually gave me a heart attack tonight
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it can be so over 6 times, as long as you’re so back 7 times
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yeah i could’ve gone D1 but i dislocated my elbow while milly rocking
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This girl thinks we're dating just because I tell her I love her and that I want to spend my life with her. lmao grow up
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Being an adult means not having your bed pushed up against a corner. That is literally the only criteria
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*slamming fists in table*
WE WANT METH GATOR
WE WANT METH GATOR
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Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me: so... busy nigh-
Uber driver: literally fuck you
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Adderall Alcohol
🤝
Telling complete strangers
Your life story
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Sex was cweated by God, fow mawwiage, between a husband and wife. Nyot fow a boyfwiend and giwwfwiend that awe dating :3
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one cigarette
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fuck your zodiac sign what is your mother’s maiden name and the name of your first childhood pet
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uber driver asked me for my name and hobbies so he could do a freestyle rap about me while driving then played shark tank in the car when he was done. i’ve never given a higher tip in my life.
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if i ever say “we’re so back” i need you to know that i am battling demons at that moment
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me at the zoo trying to get the monkeys attention through the glass
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i have the flu so i’ve been ordering milkshakes throughout the day for my sore throat and the same driver who dropped off my last one is delivering my current one. this might be an all time low for me
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My dad finished chemo 9 months ago and he just told us his screening says he's still cancer free. Shoutout to God and also Jesus
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Yeah sex is cool (I've been told) but have you ever let the Holy Spirit come inside you? Hey guys I'm Rodger and I'm your new youth pastor
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SOUP WATCH 2k23 FINAL UPDATE:
we’ve ended the year with a total of 152 soups eaten. you can see my full breakdown of soups from 2023 below. Thank you everyone who followed along and kept suggesting new soups to try. here’s to more soup in 2024!
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My parents gave me plenty of attention growing up so I really don't have an excuse to be acting like this on the internet
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i think watching barbie will change my brain chemistry permanently. maybe that will finally fix me
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2 years ago today our vice president fucked a horse 🇺🇸
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bro hold my strawberry daiquiri i’m bout to kick this guys ass
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Post Malone is like what would've happened if Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive possum instead of a spider
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This girl who was in sports illustrated magazine once just stole one of my tweets word for word. I don't steal your pics bc I'm ugly so don't steal my jokes bc you don't have a personality.
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today is the first page of a 365 page book. i cannot read or count
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getting banned from yelp for rating the taste of gasoline at every gas station i go to
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pornhub premium - $9.99
bangbros premium - $9.99
brazzers - $29.99
youjizz - $8.99
private snaps - $450
onlyfans - $799
netflix - $11.99
and they said cutting the chord was supposed to save you money 🙄
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*christmas dinner*
mom: pass the gravy
me: meat milk
mom: and the stuffing
me: ass bread
mom: [glaring at me] and the jello
me: [under breath] horse hoof jiggle dish
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my Girlfriend driving us home from our date after i accidentally shit on the floor at chilis
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asking the starbucks employees to put my coffee in their mouth then feed it to me like a mother bird feeds her children to avoid straws and save the environment
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This dude slid into my DM's asking if I wanted a sugar daddy. I understand I have a girl's name but he's just being lazy at this point.
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already saw this episode
Kim Jong Un reportedly in a coma as his sister Kim Yo Jong takes control
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sat next to a girl on my flight who secretly vaped the entire time and kept buying wine and she fucking ruled
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another large piano fell on my head and now my teeth are piano keys once again this is terrible
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crazy how the hulk and thanos made love and invented a new color
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Imagine being so miserable that you make a 17 tweet thread bullying a guy for his hobby and how he looks
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drinking a beer with the blue man group. i am terrified but i will hold my ground because i think they can smell fear
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When I was like 8 I asked my parents in church that if they lied to me about Santa then how do I know they're not lying about God and that's the moment they knew they were raising a piece of shit
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gonna start chain smoking cigs and skipping meals so i can be a sickly looking white boy and get girls to like me
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googling “racial slurs for italians” because my olive garden server is kissing my girlfriend
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*first time in a strip club*
My brain: don't be weird, just act normal and try to be cool
Me: your tits are epic, no cap
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today is the first page of a 365 page book. i cannot read or write
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a guy asked me for my number today and when i told him i was in a relationship he told me to tell my boyfriend that he’s very lucky to be with me and then he paid for my coffee and left???? i’m shook by the respect
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when i was 18 i blacked out on a sunday night then woke up for my 8 am class to take an exam that i got a 98 on. last night i drank 4 vodka sprites and i stayed in bed until 1:30 today. aging is bullshit
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