Everyone who has ever tweeted about their psychology professor telling them deep stuff about love is lying for retweets. All We learn in psych classes is how to conduct studies and how Sigmund Freud loved cocaine
avengers endgame was pretty great, at first i thought the 30 minute sex scene between iron man and captain america was gonna be too much but it ended up being done very tastefully
one time in middle school i dated a girl for 4 days and when she broke up with me she posted on facebook “sometimes your knight in shining armor is really just a loser in tinfoil” and to this day that the sickest burn i’ve ever gotten
I've promised so many people I would marry them if we are both single at 30 and I honestly can't wait to watch them all fight to the death for my hand in marriage in 7 years
[national dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it
Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it We're dad
Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"*
*entire conference loses their shit*
uber driver asked me for my name and hobbies so he could do a freestyle rap about me while driving then played shark tank in the car when he was done. i’ve never given a higher tip in my life.
i have the flu so i’ve been ordering milkshakes throughout the day for my sore throat and the same driver who dropped off my last one is delivering my current one. this might be an all time low for me
SOUP WATCH 2k23 FINAL UPDATE:
we’ve ended the year with a total of 152 soups eaten. you can see my full breakdown of soups from 2023 below. Thank you everyone who followed along and kept suggesting new soups to try. here’s to more soup in 2024!
This girl who was in sports illustrated magazine once just stole one of my tweets word for word. I don't steal your pics bc I'm ugly so don't steal my jokes bc you don't have a personality.
pornhub premium - $9.99
bangbros premium - $9.99
brazzers - $29.99
youjizz - $8.99
private snaps - $450
onlyfans - $799
netflix - $11.99
and they said cutting the chord was supposed to save you money 🙄
*christmas dinner*
mom: pass the gravy
me: meat milk
mom: and the stuffing
me: ass bread
mom: [glaring at me] and the jello
me: [under breath] horse hoof jiggle dish
asking the starbucks employees to put my coffee in their mouth then feed it to me like a mother bird feeds her children to avoid straws and save the environment
When I was like 8 I asked my parents in church that if they lied to me about Santa then how do I know they're not lying about God and that's the moment they knew they were raising a piece of shit
a guy asked me for my number today and when i told him i was in a relationship he told me to tell my boyfriend that he’s very lucky to be with me and then he paid for my coffee and left???? i’m shook by the respect
when i was 18 i blacked out on a sunday night then woke up for my 8 am class to take an exam that i got a 98 on. last night i drank 4 vodka sprites and i stayed in bed until 1:30 today. aging is bullshit