HERE YOU GO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! ’Twas the Night Before Squeezemas ’Twas the night before Squeezemas, and all through the street, The Apes were all waiting, their diamond hands neat. The earnings tomorrow with anticipation so high, Could tomorrow bring MOASS to light up the sky? The DD was nestled all snug in their threads, While visions of tendies danced wild in their heads. With my red headband, and you in your cap, We just settled down for one last bullish nap. When out on the markets arose such a clatter, We sprang to our screens to see what was the matter. Away to the forums, we flew like a flash, To see if Ken Griffin was caught by his ass. The glow of the ticker, the green candles burned, A signal, perhaps, that the tides might have turned. When what to my cynical eyes should appear, But Apes buying hard, and the shorts full of fear. With a little old Kenny, so slippery and quick, I knew in a moment, his games were a trick. More rapid than eagles, his puppets they came, He whistled and shouted and called them by name: “Now Citadel! Now Virtu! Now Robinhood, too! Block the buy button, Vlad! You know what to do! Halt trading! Halt freedom! Let the crime ensue! These Apes can’t win; we’re the kings of this zoo!” But the Apes wouldn’t falter; they laughed in his face, For they knew they were HODLing the market’s bag of disgrace. So back to their laptops, the Apes, they all flew, With portfolios of shares stacked and a middle finger or two. 🖕 And then, in a moment, I heard on the wire, The screech of corruption now caught in the fire. As I scrolled through my X, and memes came around, I knew Kenny’s mayo empire was destined to drown. His companies, they were tarnished, his lies laid bare, The brokers who helped him? They’ll all get their share. The buy button scandal, a stain on their games, Now RICO is watching, and they're taking names. Apes won’t be silenced; the numbers don’t lie, The float is locked, and the shorts are going to die. Through gamma, through FTDs, through naked short plays, They’ll squeeze the fraud from their balls in a fiery blaze. So here’s to the Squeezemas, the night we all cheer, For justice, for freedom, forever holding sincere. And as we refresh the chart and sip on our booze, Remember, dear Kenny: You're about to Lose.