Incorrect BSD
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Things that were totally said in Bungo Stray Dogs. | Not spoiler free. | No submissions, please!
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Last Seen Profiles
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Just a heads up:
You guys are always welcome to DM me if you draw/make something based on one of these quotes, so I can RT.
This account is always inundated in notifications, so it’s hard to keep up with things I’ve been tagged in.
But I love to see your work!
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Chuuya: I’m gay.
Kōyō: Oh! Good for you!
Chuuya: And I’m in love with Dazai.
Kōyō: I take it back. Unacceptable. The Bible said Adam and Eve, not “blow up your car and leave”
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Dazai: Did you know that “THOT” means “thoughtful person”?
Akutagawa: Really? I didn’t know that.
[Later, at a Port Mafia meeting]
Chuuya: This meeting might run long, so I brought everyone coffee.
Akutagawa: You’re such a thot.
Chuuya: What the fuck
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Dazai: So, are you ticklish?
Chuuya: [taking 20 steps back] no
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Chuuya: *is carrying all the groceries*
Dazai: *holds out hand to help carry them*
Chuuya: *moves all the groceries to one hand to hold Dazai’s hand*
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[ADA group chat]
Naomi: hey hey. do you know what bees make?
Jun'ichirō: honey?
Naomi: Yes dear? 💖
Dazai: I’m gonna try this on Chuuya.
Dazai: [texting Chuuya] Hey. Do you know what bees make?
Chuuya: Some stupid annoying sound. What the fuck do you want?
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Gogol: If we put Fyodor and Dazai in a room, who would come out crying first?
Sigma: The room
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Ranpo showing up in Dead Apple just to do nothing and disappear
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Dazai, watching any Avengers movie: Chuuya could do this shit all by himself.
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[Dead Apple]
Fyodor: Wow. There’s a guy out there taking on Shibusawa’s dragon form on his own.
Dazai, delirious from his injury: Pfft, what an idiot.
Chuuya, in the distance: COME BACK HERE, FUCKER, I’LL—
Dazai: WAIT THAT’S MY IDIOT
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[15 y/o] Chuuya: ARE YOU-
[15 y/o] Dazai: fucking
Chuuya: KIDDING ME?? YOU-
Dazai: shitty
Chuuya: OLD MAN?!
Hirotsu: ...what?
Dazai: Kōyō banned Chuuya from swearing, so I'm helping him out.
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Dazai: Are you okay, Atsushi?
Atsushi: Short answer or long answer?
Dazai: Short.
Atsushi: No
Dazai: Long answer?
Atsushi: Nooooooooooooooo
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Fitzgerald: You poor thing.
Atsushi: Don’t bring my financial status into this.
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Dazai and Chuuya: *arguing*
Chuuya: Can you at least try to see it from my perspective?
Dazai: *crouches down*
Chuuya: We’re over.
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Chuuya: People always ask me, “are you a top or a bottom?”
I’m a threat
Dazai, through a mouthful of spaghetti: he’s a bottom
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Fyodor, in Russian: Kolya, could you pass me an eraser?
Gogol, in Russian: Sure! Why are we speaking Russian?
Fyodor, in Russian: Oh, I just thought it would be fun. Now look at Dazai and laugh.
Gogol: (cracks up)
Dazai: WHAT ARE YOU FREAKS SAYING ABOUT ME
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[15 y/o] Dazai, looking at Chuuya in a report: Who’s that?
Mori: That’s Nakahara Chuuya, the infamous King of the Sheep.
Dazai: He’s pretty.
Mori: He’s dangerous.
Dazai: Now he’s even prettier.
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Dazai: Odasaku, how do I get revenge on my enemies?
Oda: The best revenge is letting go, and living your life to the fullest.
Dazai:
Dazai: Chuuya, how do I-
Chuuya: brick
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Chuuya: I was so angry at everything when I was 15. And I was right
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Atsushi [in the middle of a fight]: We have to think! What would Dazai and Chuuya do in this situation?
Akutagawa:
Akutagawa [apalled]: You want us to make out?!
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The ADA when Dazai goes missing for three days: [crickets]
The ADA when Kyouka goes missing for five seconds:
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[15 y/o] Dazai: I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you.
[15 y/o] Chuuya: I just kicked the shit out of you??
Dazai: Happy 2 minute anniversary!
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Enemy: [growls]
Chuuya: [asserting dominance] RAAWWEBWBWWWAHSAGHDGDBGAGAHAAVWWWEEBBWVWW
Enemy: okay Jesus sorry
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Dazai: [mindlessly flirts with Chuuya for years]
Chuuya: [actually flirts back one day]
Dazai:
Chuuya:
Dazai:
Chuuya: Aren’t you going to say anything?
Dazai, panicking: I don't know, I didn’t think I’d get this far
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Atsushi: Happy Birthday! Here's Dazai’s gift for you!
Chuuya: That's a big box.
Atsushi: Yep.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: He's inside it, isn't he?
Atsushi: [sighs]
Atsushi: Yeah.
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Chuuya: Sorry, kid. I can't give booze to minors.
Kenji: Actually I'm here to borrow a knife!
Chuuya: Oh hell yeah! What kind?
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Oda: I will now torture you.
Dazai: Kinky.
Oda: I think you are sweet and beautiful
Dazai, tensing: Wait...
Oda: You deserve to be cared for
Dazai, backing up: No
Oda: Your feelings and needs are valid and deserve to be heard
Dazai: I need a safe word!
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Chuuya: When I was your age, I respected my superiors!
Tachihara: When I was your height, I didn't boss anyone around.
Chuuya:
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Chuuya: Dear Santa, I've been good this year.
Chuuya: Most of the year.
Chuuya: Once in a while.
Chuuya: Never mind, I'll buy my own shit.
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Atsushi: Candles? What is this, date night?
Akutagawa: First of all, I’m about to sacrifice you.
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Dazai, on the phone with Chuuya: Turn around.
Dazai: No, the other way.
Dazai: Again, the other way.
Chuuya: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DAZAI, WHERE ARE YOU?!
Dazai: I'm out of town. But the thought of you aimlessly turning around in circles amused me.
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Dazai: You two are dating now?
Atsushi: Yeah.
Dazai: Why?
Akutagawa: I happen to find Jinko appealing.
Dazai: Yeah I can understand that, I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Atsushi
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Chuuya: We will stand together, whether in life or in death.
Dazai: Probably death
Chuuya: Death for sure
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Atsushi [on the phone]: I have to tell you something… Dazai is dead
Chuuya: What? He’s fine, I just saw him at the café.
Atsushi: …Sorry, he makes me call people and tell them he’s dead. To see how they’ll react.
Dazai [standing next to Atsushi]: Is he crying? Is he crying?
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Chuuya: So… who’s the lucky person? [referring to Dazai, who is in a suit and apparently ready for a date]
Dazai: … I forgot to ask you, didn’t I?
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Ranpo: Who do you guys think is the prettiest person that works here?
Kunikida: Dr. Yosano
Jun'ichirō: Obviously Naomi
Kenji: Kyouka is cute!
Dazai: (blurts out) Chuuya
Kunikida:
Kunikida: Chuuya. Of the Port Mafia. Who doesn’t fucking work here.
Dazai (cautiously): …Yes?
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[texting]
Chuuya: [sends a voice message]
Dazai: My god your voice is so attractive
Dazai: Can u tell me to kms
Chuuya: WHAT????
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Chuuya: Do you even know how to slow dance?
Dazai: Of course I do~ Watch this
Dazai: *does the Macarena at 0.5 speed*
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Chuuya: If you walk out that door, we're done.
Dazai: *climbs out the window*
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Dazai: It's been a tough year.
Atsushi: It's still the first week of January.
Dazai: What’s your point?
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Oda: Ango, can you even see right now? Where are your glasses?
Ango: Stopped wearing them.
Oda: Why?
Ango: I don’t care what’s happening anymore.
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Kunikida: So how’s parenting treating you guys?
Dazai: He's the light of our life.
Chuuya, from another room: Yeah, a light that NEVER SHUTS OFF!
Baby: *screams*
Chuuya: *screams back*
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Dazai: My life is a tragedy.
Chuuya: Your life is a cringe compilation
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Dazai, opening the door: After you.
Fyodor: No thank you, I don’t let people walk behind me. 7/10 attacks happen from behind, you know.
Dazai: That leaves a 30% chance I’ll attack you from the front.
Fyodor: Yes, but it’d be easier to stop, I could just bl—
Dazai: [slaps him]
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Mori: You have to go to college.
Dazai: Why?
Mori: To be able to get nice things.
Mori: [shows Dazai his watch] You see this?
Dazai: Yeah
Mori: Stole this from my roommate before graduation
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Chuuya: I hate you.
Dazai (in his head): Rivals to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words
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Dazai: Chibi, my clothes keep disappearing lately and it's kinda freaking me out.
Chuuya, wearing a hoodie that’s twice his size: Scary
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Atsushi: Akutagawa, wake up! The sun's been out for hours!
Akutagawa: And what do you want me to do? Photosynthesis?
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Fyodor: Unfortunately, you can't turn people off like computers.
Gogol, loading a shotgun: Bet
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Kunikida: Why is the office so quiet?
Atsushi: I accidentally embarrassed Dazai in front of some ladies and now he’s giving me the silent treatment for it.
Kunikida:
Kunikida, sliding over a hundred dollars: Do it again.
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Dazai: *chewing*
Chuuya: Dazai, what are you eating?
Dazai: *chewing faster*
Chuuya: DAZAI-
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Dazai: Trust me, I know what I'm doing!
Fyodor: Not even God knows what you're doing, Dazai.
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Dazai: I’m going to change the world.
Oda: For the better, right?
Dazai:
Oda (nervously): For the better, right?
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Chuuya: Could you please excuse me for just one second?
Chuuya, in the other room: *screaming*
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Dazai: Next time I'm opening up to someone is during my autopsy.
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Chuuya: *yells*
Dazai: *yells back*
Ango: What happened this time?
Oda: They're arguing over who ate the last of the cookies I made.
Ango: *sighs* Of course, so it was Dazai?
Oda, smiling: It was me.
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Chuuya: *waking up after corruption* ... Where am I?
Dazai, sarcastically: Heaven.
Chuuya: Oh.
Chuuya: Didn’t think you’d be here.
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Dazai: I’m sorry I ate your snacks.
Ranpo: It’s okay. I’m sorry for slapping you across the face.
Dazai: What are you talking abou—
Ranpo: *slaps Dazai across the face*
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[Dazai and Fyodor are sitting in jail together]
Fyodor: So… who should we call?
Dazai: I'd call Chuuya, but I feel safer in jail.
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[The phone rings]
Dazai [picking it up]: Armed Detective Agency, cute one speaking
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Dazai: I’m a very private person.
Oda: Hello.
Dazai: So I’ll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before I get into the really bad stuff
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Dazai: Being an apologist for Chuuya is overrated, I'm not gonna sit here and defend his ass from mafia crime accusations. Yeah he did that shit, that's my babygirl or whatever
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Dazai: I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life.
Chuuya: I wake up at 5 AM.
Dazai:
Dazai: I want to fall asleep with you for the rest of my life
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Fyodor: I desire moisture.
Sigma: Please just say "water" like a normal person
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Chuuya, smoking a cigarette: What if-
Atsushi: You can't smoke here. There's a 'no smoking sign'.
Chuuya: Oh, damn. You're right.
Chuuya: [Pulls the sign down] There.
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Dazai: Where’d your freckles go?
Chuuya: Oh, they fade during winter.
Dazai, punching the snow aggressively: Give Chibi his freckles back, bitch
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Kidnapper: We have your boyfriend.
Dazai: My what now?
Kidnapper: Short man? Red hair? Wearing a hat?
Dazai: Oh, Chuuya. Yeah, you don't have him, he has you. Good luck.
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Akutagawa: I would truly hate you if you weren’t charming, funny, sweet, and a genuinely good person. You’re very annoying.
Atsushi: This is a confusing compliment.
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Soukoku’s child, holding a knife: Hey dad, can I have this?
Chuuya: No.
Kid: *turns two degrees to the right* Hey papa, can I have this?
Dazai: Sure.
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Tachihara: [watching Dazai and Chuuya argue]
Tachihara: Gay on gay crime call that fruit punch
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Kunikida: 'Your' and 'you’re' are different. 'Your' is a possessive, and “you’re” is a contraction of 'you are’.
Dazai: My fire~
Ranpo: The one desire~
Dazai: Believe when I say~
Ranpo: I WANT IT THAT WAY~
Kunikida: And with that, I am ending this fucking meeting
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Fukuzawa: Why did you choose our agency?
Dazai: Because you're recruiting.
Fukuzawa:
Fukuzawa: Okay. Well, what can you bring to this agency?
Dazai: A new employee
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Dazai: I'm asking for your permission to date Chuuya
Verlaine: What is this, the dark ages?
Verlaine: You know what? Since you asked, no, you can't. Fight me for him
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Chuuya: Welcome to the Fuck Dazai club. In this club, we say "Fuck you" to Osamu Dazai.
Fyodor, standing up: There’s been a misunderstanding here… I'm leaving
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Dazai: Do you know the password to Chuuya’s computer?
Akutagawa: Fuck you, Dazai.
Dazai: Excuse me?
Akutagawa: Oh no, you misunderstood. The password is 'fuckyouDazai'
Dazai:
Akutagawa: Capital 'D’
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Dazai: Don’t kill me, I have a husband!
Fyodor: You think I care about that?
Dazai: No, this isn’t a plea for mercy. It’s a warning.
Fyodor: Wha-
Chuuya, blasting open the door: GET READY TO DIE, RAT BASTARD
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Gogol: We need to distract them.
Fyodor: Leave it to me.
Fyodor: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Dazai and Chuuya: *immediately begin arguing*
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Dazai: I cannot believe i have to deal with this shit
Chuuya: What?
Dazai: The consequences of my own actions
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Mori: Go to your room!
[15 y/o] Chuuya: That's not fair!
Mori: DO AS I SAY!
Chuuya: But you never send Dazai to his room when he's in trouble?
Mori: Dazai never leaves his room. If he were in trouble I'd make him sit in the living room or go outside and talk to human beings.
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Oda: Telling the future.
Dazai: What's your favorite ability?
Dazai: wait
Oda:
Dazai: That was good, dude
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Tsujimura: Do you like tall girls? Or short girls?
Chuuya: Men.
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Kunikida: How did none of you hear what I just said?
Dazai: I’ve been zoned out for the last two hours.
Tanizaki: Naomi distracted me about halfway through.
Ranpo: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
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Dazai: Are you still mad at me?
Chuuya: Yes.
Dazai: Are you going to let go my hand?
Chuuya: No.
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[15 y/o] Dazai: Hey, we can't go in there. It says 18+ and there's only 2 of us
[15/yo] Chuuya: You’re so fucking stupid
[15 y/o] Chuuya: Just invite more people
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Chuuya: *unconscious after corruption*
Atsushi: He's not breathing! What do we do?!
Dazai: I'll give him mouth to mouth!
Chuuya: *wakes up* Don't
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Dazai, reading baby formula: “Shake well before feeding”
Dazai: Sounds easy enough
Dazai: *picks up the baby*
Chuuya: WAIT DAZAI NO–
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Dazai: This is my ex-boyfriend, Chuuya.
Chuuya: You need to stop introducing me like that
Chuuya: I’m his husband
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Dazai: I'm cooking dinner tonight!
Chuuya: Is that a threat?
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Dazai, Chuuya, and Oda: *screaming*
Ango, running into the room: What’s wrong, Odasaku?
Dazai: Wait, why are you only asking Odasaku when me and Chuuya are also here?
Ango: Because Odasaku wouldn't scream unless it's an emergency. You guys scream whenever you have the chance.
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Dazai: What do you look for in a guy?
Yosano: I look away.
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Chuuya, struggling with a zipper on the back of his shirt: Dazai, can you help me with this?
Dazai: Of course.
Chuuya:
Chuuya: UP, Dazai.
Dazai: Oh right right
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Kenji: Not to be corny, but sometimes I think my purpose on this earth is to love people, make them laugh, be kind, and share joy. That feels like enough to me sometimes.
Chuuya: I’m here to punch people, but your thing sounds good too
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Ranpo: [bursts into the room]
Kunikida, startled: Jesus!
Ranpo: No, it's just me.
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[Soukoku as parents]
Kid: Can I have another cookie?
Dazai: Well what did Chuuya say?
Kid: He said no.
Dazai: ...then why should I say yes?
Kid: Because he’s not the boss of you.
Dazai:
Dazai, internally: it’s a trap it’s a trap it’s a trap it’s—
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Dazai: I would do anything for you.
Dazai: You want the moon? The stars? The sun? I will get them for you.
Chuuya: I want you to have 3 meals a day and a regular sleeping schedule
Dazai: ....I will not.
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Dazai: That’s my partner, Chuuya.
Fyodor: In a work way or in a relationship way?
Dazai:
Dazai: I probably shouldn't be so unsure of the answer.
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Chuuya: Have I ever told you that you cook well?
Dazai: Aw, no you haven't :)
Chuuya: So why do you keep cooking
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*at a restaurant*
Hostess: How old are your kids?
Dazai: Oh no, they're my cowor-
Hostess: Kids eat for free
Dazai: Actually, we're siblings. Kenji is 4 yrs old, Kyouka is 7 yrs old, and I'm 10. Aren’t their frowns the cutest? Say "thank you" to the nice lady, kiddos
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Atsushi, on the phone with Dazai: Hey, we need you in the office. Can you come?
Dazai: Uh, I can't move. Chuuya is sleeping on me
Atsushi: Just push him off
Chuuya: *animalistic screeching*
Dazai: Did you hear that, Atsushi?
Atsushi: Understandable. Have a nice day, you two
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Chuuya: If being attractive was a crime, I'd get a life sentence.
Dazai: A life sentence??
Dazai: For a crime you didn't commit?!
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