Jon
@ArfMeasures
Followers
53K
Following
77K
Media
409
Statuses
27K
I'm only on season 3 of the news. No spoilers please.
Somewhere
Joined February 2015
Her: I actually think Ratatouille is a boring movie. Me *shakes head at waiter bringing the engagement ring*.
660
67K
496K
Netflix: Should I play this movie?. Me: No no I'm just looking at it for a second. Netflix: I'll put it on. Me: I'm just literally reading what it is. Netflix: It's playing :).
567
44K
289K
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we'll have the tube.
328
25K
280K
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?. McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don't need to put Mc in front of words. Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds.
204
33K
217K
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!. Me: Yeah that was me. Gmail: No it was on another device!. Me: Yes my tablet. Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!. Me: what no. Gmail: CALL THE POLICE.
141
26K
161K
GOD: 8.ANGEL: 9!.GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk.ANGEL: 10 lol.GOD: 15!!.ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25.GOD: 30!!.CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid.GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL.ANGEL: LMAO.
300
36K
133K
Interviewer: Why do you want to work for Facebook?. Me: I'm keen on protecting people's data and want them to have a good user experience. Interviewer:. Me:. Interviewer:. Me: haha I'm joking I don't give a shit. Interviewer: haha omg I was like whaaatttt lmao.
101
17K
129K
Date: What do you do?.Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food.
106
22K
117K
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?. Me: Because you like me. Cop: omg shut up I do not.
67
19K
116K
Therapist: What's wrong?. Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I'll be getting a divorce. Therapist: And who told you that?. Me: *tearfully clears throat*.
542
26K
100K
ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no. JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?. ME: OH NO.
291
30K
86K
Hozier *gets into Uber*. Driver: lol I can guess where you want me to take you. Hozier: Starbucks, please. Driver *visibly disappointed* right.
81
13K
88K
Me: The kids haven't eaten their sandwiches.Wife: ok just throw them out. [Later].Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I'm as surprised as you are.
107
15K
80K
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses? . Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao. Accountant: what. Willy Wonka: what.
29
8K
69K
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got. toe-jam football, he got. monkey finger, he shoot. Coca-Cola. POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what.
234
23K
63K
Doctor: I have your test results. Me: did I pass hahaha. Doctor: hahaha you will soon. Me: haha what.
51
7K
60K
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm. Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!.
48
7K
60K
Cop: you're going to prison for forgery. Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now.
56
6K
57K
Wife *yelling from other room* you're making bread? Why are you making bread?. Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it. Duck *holding gun* good answer.
105
7K
53K
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I'll fire you. Me: ok. Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory. Me: oh no.
54
9K
51K
Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does. Me: Well that makes two of us.
92
8K
47K
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?. Me: Because of something my boss said. Interviewer: It says here you were fired. Me: That's the thing he said.
20
3K
43K
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!. Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha. God *creates birds*.
54
7K
35K
Wife: So you write tweets about us?. Me: Sometimes. Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?. Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does. Me: Stay out of this, The Rock.
23
4K
34K
[park].STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking. ME: Yeah, he's interbred. DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread.
154
15K
33K
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments. GENIE: um ok. ME: I wish everyone was gullible. GENIE: Done. ME: And I wish for updog. GENIE: What's updog?. ME: *looks at camera*.
84
8K
32K
Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police!. Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes. Cop: The fashion police. Me *kicking my crocs off* shit.
130
5K
32K
Son: Can I go on the xbox?. Me: No it's too violent, you should play family games like I used to. [30 years ago].Me: I think the professor was strangled in the library with a rope.
38
3K
31K
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you're fired. Me: A rat becomes a chef. Movie Exec: ok. Me: A dog plays basketball. Movie Exec: Good. Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school. Movie Exec: Get out.
51
3K
30K
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down. Me *reads the news out loud*. Spider *depressed* holy shit.
41
5K
28K
Doctor: do you exercise?. Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks. Doctor:. Me: cronchies. Doctor: I'm gonna put no. Me: ok.
73
3K
26K
Doctor: You have 6 months to live. Me: omg what can I do?. Doctor: Oh lots of things. Me: Phew. Doctor: but only for 6 months.
24
3K
25K
Date: You shouldn't be using a straw. Me: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment. Date: It's just a weird way to eat spaghetti.
33
4K
25K
Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you. Me: Where was he?. Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car. Me *impressed* he really went for it.
28
4K
22K
HER: You ran over my cat. ME: I'm so sorry. HER: You're gonna have to replace him. ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok.
44
5K
21K
[court].LAWYER: Did u kill him?.ME: No.L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?.ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder.
30
9K
21K
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins. Wife: No you didn't. Dog: Ruff. Me: See, wrath!. Wife: He said ruff! You can't teach a dog to. Dog: Gluttony. Wife: Holy shit.
20
3K
21K
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help. Me: I went to the park today. Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that. Me *opens coat* this duck.
60
4K
20K
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*. Priest:. Me:. Priest: Look she might come back.
30
2K
20K
Boss: Can I see you in my office?. Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try.
34
4K
18K
Wife: Sarah's husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you'd do that!.Me: uh ok. [next day].Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don't get it either.
20
3K
18K
INTERVIEWER: Do you use Microsoft Office?.ME: I "excel" at it.INTERVIEWER: haha ok.ME: You have my Word.INTERVIEWER: ok I get what yo-.ME: Access.INTERVIEWER: You're just saying words now.ME: Powerpoint.
46
6K
17K
MECHANIC [kicking the tires] There's something I need to tell you about your car. ME: What?. MECHANIC [punches the door] I hate it.
49
5K
17K
BOSS: Know why I called you in here?. ME: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic. BOSS [stops pouring 2 glasses of wine] Accidentally?.
36
7K
16K
Guy *sits next to me on bus* how's it going?. Me: I think it's because the wheels on the bus go round and round. Guy: ok man.
20
2K
16K
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies. GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes. ME: Put Ratatouille on.
43
4K
16K
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?. WIFE [biting lip] well. u need 2 i's. CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn't it Linda.
44
7K
15K
[Bed].GF: Am I bad girl?.ME: Yeah you're a bad girl.GF: oh yeah [pulls me closer] so how *bad* am I?.ME [remembering she said she didn't want dessert & then ate my dessert] you're a fucking nightmare tbh Linda.
48
5K
15K
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don't think Waldo is in there.
17
3K
15K
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you've forgotten my name?. ME: Haha of course that's. BARISTA: Latte for Rachel. ME: not true, Rachel. DATE: That's not mine. ME: DAMN IT.
28
2K
15K
"Some people call me the space cowboy". *leans in*. "Some people call me the gangster of love". BARISTA: I'm just gonna put Steve on the cup.
63
3K
14K
Day 1: Staying at home, avoiding social gatherings, and eating food I have hoarded. Day 50: Continuing with this process. Day 100: Still feeling ok. Day 2500: Now a global virus has arrived and others are doing what I do.
31
2K
14K
SURGEON: I'm afraid that your Grandma is very critical. ME: Oh no. SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut.
17
3K
13K
[Being chased by a bear in the snow].Me: Should we hide??!. Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can. Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy.
32
2K
13K
Me: The only thing I'm guilty of is starting singalongs. Judge: And that you killed a man. Me: put a gun against his head. Jury: pulled my trigger now he's dead. Judge: mama.
34
3K
13K
Me *hiding under the bed*. Murderer: . Me:. Murderer:. Me:. Murderer: I'm just a small town girl. Me: LIVING IN A Loh no.
59
3K
13K
Me: You should have been more specific. Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel. Me: ok that does make more sense
52
2K
13K
Guy: Women are so mysterious. Her: You're a prick. Guy: Another riddle.
20
2K
13K
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey. Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn't gonna be a good day for you.
27
1K
12K
DATE: What's your favourite movie?. ME: Kill Bill. DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated. ME [long pause] Killiam William.
33
5K
12K
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?. Me: I once worked at a zoo. Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?. Me: Definitely not a penguin. Therapist: what. Me: what.
38
2K
12K
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird. Waldo's wife *dabbing eyes* it's what he would've wanted.
23
1K
12K
Her: Tell me what you want. Me: A burrito. Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed. Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito.
45
2K
12K
Me *orders our food fluently in Italian to impress my date*. McDonalds drive-thru employee: what.
25
2K
11K
Doctor: we weaned you off the hallucinegic drugs, you're clean now. Shaggy: how great is that scoob!. Scooby: woof. Shaggy: what.
22
985
11K
Son: Daddy, there's a monster under my bed. Me *ruffles his hair* why do you think I chose the other room?.
17
1K
11K
BANK ROBBER: There'll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool. ME *remembering I'm me* oh no.
26
3K
10K
Me *putting honey on toast*. Son: do you know bees make that?. Me: uh yeah I'm not an idiot. [Later].Date: tell me something interesting. Me: bees make toast.
17
835
10K
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are. ME: Ok. DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut. ME *lip starts trembling*. DENTIST: I see.
22
2K
10K
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies. Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls. Date: Sounds good!. Me: The cowboy one is called Woody.
7
1K
10K
Me *buying alcohol*. Him: I need identification. Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey. Him: I meant you. Me: I'm Jon.
12
1K
10K
Boss: We've just found out that one of you is a sloth. Jim: oh no. Jo: oh no. Karl: oh no. Boss: obviously we will need to. Me: oh no.
24
2K
10K
Old lady: I swallowed a fly. Bird: why are you. Old lady: and a spider. Bird: why are you opening my cage.
22
1K
9K
911: Did you ring yesterday?. Boy: No. 911: Day before?. Boy: Definitely not. 911: Your voice is familiar. Boy: Please just help. 911: Ok can you describe your attacker?. Boy: It's a wolf. 911: Oh for fu.
10
1K
9K
Me: ok that's everything in the dishwasher. *presses start and turns around*. Teaspoon: you're not gonna believe this.
26
867
9K
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids. Wife: When?. Me: Between 2 and 5. Wife: Ok. Me: I'll be back when they're 6.
18
876
9K
[Bar].Hot woman *winks* so what's a girl need to do to get a drink around here?.Me: You just ask at the bar for one and then exchange it for money. [3 days later].Me *tying my shoelaces* wait a second.
12
852
9K
Wife: We're going to have a baby!. Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?. Me: I already googled and it's a very tiny human.
23
1K
9K
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house. Me: What, really?. Neighbour: Promise me you'll get an exorcist. Me: I promise. Neighbour: It's important because you live alone. Me: No I don't. Her: Thank you, I promise. Me: Oh God.
82
2K
8K
Wife *holding newborn* isn't this the best day ever. Me *remembering when 2 Twixes fell out the vending machine* it's top two for sure.
17
923
9K
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money. Bank teller: um that's a water pistol. Me *aiming at her mouth* I've filled it with La Croix. Bank teller: you want it in 20s or.
22
2K
8K
Me: I want to-. Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!. Me: What?!! That word isn't even in my vocabulary!. Boss: Ok good. Go on. Me: I want to stop working here.
12
1K
8K
Date: When I'm with a handsome man, I get all nervous & start speaking French. Me *leans closer* oh is that right?. Date: Yes.
25
1K
8K
Me: There's no lamb. Chef: Then grill the chicken. Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch.
22
1K
8K
DENTIST [nods at my son] He did so well, do you want a sticker for him?.ME: Yeah, sure. [home].WIFE: Where's Harry?.ME [smoothing sticker down on my shirt] the dentist offered a trade.
10
2K
8K
Her: After sex I love to share our deepest thoughts :). Me: Instead of a stapler I call it a desk crocodile. Her: Actually let's just sleep.
19
1K
8K
Genie: you have 17 wishes. Me: isn't it normally 3??. Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
12
1K
8K
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao. Me *daren't move* haha what a loser.
22
1K
8K
Me: Oh God help I've been stabbed in the tummy.911: how old are you?.Me: 38.911: omg.Me: what.911: 38.Me: what.911: tummy.Me: just send help.911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby.
15
872
8K
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect. Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha. God *creates asteroids*.
16
1K
8K
Wife: I'm leaving with the kids if you don't stop pretending our house is a hospital. Me: That would be great, we really need the beds.
10
1K
8K
ME: This house is haunted.WIFE [sigh] We've been thru this, that's our son.SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad.ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT.
28
3K
7K
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?. Me: Please face the front.
21
1K
7K
BOSS: What's going on here?.ME: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-.DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!.ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife.
18
2K
7K
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah. Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby's funeral* beautiful.
17
922
7K
[Concert].Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!. Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!. Me: ᶦᵗ'ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ.
13
953
7K