Antonia Rolls
@AntoniaRolls
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I don't conform; I am creative; I need a platform. Painter, author, listener, speaker. Always kind,always free. Artwork projects on addiction & death & dying.
Joined April 2021
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My brilliant, tortured boy is gone. I found him dead in his flat aged 29 yesterday and I cannot speak. Bye bye love.
#addiction
#RecoveryPosse
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I cannot thank you all enough. The tender,loving,prayerful & compassionate responses to my son Costya's death on Friday have given me hope & peace. For all of you who have experienced this, & worse, for all of you just being beautiful & kind, thank you.
#addiction
#RecoveryPosse
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Today I sat with Costya in the morgue.He is behind a screen until his postmortem.I can come back after that without a screen.He's so peaceful & beautiful.I thought,maybe he did the right thing.There really is nothing more to distress him.He is in boundless love& light
#addiction
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Thank you, every one of you, for your kindness,love & care.Costya would be so happy. I painted this of him for the Addicts & Those Who Love Them exhibition a while ago. Fly home my treasure boy, fly high into the healing, loving light.
#addiction
#overdose
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@FMeasham
Thank you Fiona, I am so grateful. He didn't really want to die, he just wanted the pain to stop. Thank you
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@Geetar_Geezar
He was addicted to opiates, anti depressants and alcohol. He just couldn't go on.
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Thank you, all of you, for your wonderful kindness. I'm looking a bit grim in the picture below but it's actually a bad photo and a message of deep thanks.
#addiction
#gratitude
#RecoveryPosse
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So many replies losing a loved one to addiction,alcohol & the darkness of mental health.I wonder if there is a community of beautiful,fragile,tragic souls in heaven welcoming them into peace,joy,love & light. To all who spoke of your loss,much love
#addiction
#RecoveryPosse
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There was grace today, despite the sadness and farewells there was a gentle space of hope. The darkness has no hold over Costya. He is a magnificent warrior of light and he fills the skies. Rest well, golden boy.
#addiction
#costya
#funeral
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Today I feel the conflict of Costya's suffering ended,& the hugeness of time on earth without him. Its what my mind can grasp & what it can't. I'm looking for the light,but the dark is v powerful too.The dark=human mind not understanding the enormity of death
#costya
#addiction
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The children decorated the coffin with pokemon drawings & we put his cap on top. I painted the picture after walking behind him on the way to the methadone clinic. It was standing room only for the prayers at 6pm. Dimitri played the piano. Welcome home love.
#costya
#addiction
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It's done. Thanks to all of you for your prayers, love & support. Costya would be so happy. He arranged a Shakespearian burial yesterday in driving horizontal rain, & gale force winds. We chucked him in the ground, said our prayers & ran.He was such a Diva
#Costya
#addiction
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Here I am, sitting quietly with Costya in the morgue. It is so peaceful and I am loving his company. Just to be near him and see him is bringing calm. Though I know he is not here really
#Costya
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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Clearing Costya's flat in London,uncovering the extent of his crazy crazy addictions. So much stuff, so many unopened doctors appointments & mental health assessments.He said no one cared,but they did.We did.He just couldn't let us in to see what he had become
#Costya
#addiction
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I was asked to retweet this by Hayely and so I am.
@AntoniaRolls
Hi Antonia I’m so sorry for bothering you. I’m an ‘Aunty’ to Lacey who is 14 on 29th April. She’s currently on a section 2, no friends left and little family. Need to show her the world is kind and get some birthday cards to her. Would you be able to retweet please?
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Costya died 3 weeks ago. Grieving is a journey without signposts, we all just have to do it.Each loss is the first of its kind, though we may have grieved before, we don't know how we will do it next time. Not really. Still looking for light & feeling darkness
#addiction
#costya
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A sad one today. Costya's in the funeral home,nicely dressed & ready for eternity. I can't see him as he's been dead nearly 6 weeks. But he's in there, & not in there.He's a huge warrior of light & energy and he & I have work to do. Bless you
#costya
#SuicideAwareness
#addiction
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This morning I am changing the energy of Dimitri's death with light and loving intention. I am still here, there has to be a way through this.
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I took videos of Costya walking away. I think I knew one day he would keep walking & be lost to me. I painted this of him with wings,as I followed him once looking for drugs.I was struck by how vulnerable the back of his head was, & his broken shoes.
#costya
#addiction
#Overdose
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Mummy & son went to sea, in a haze of drugs & pain. Read me a story he said to his mum, read it again & again.
After a terrible night of overdose in his flat, Costya asked for a story. I could only find a book on sociology, I read that.Later I painted this
#costya
#addiction
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On my way to take Costya's clothes to the undertakers. He is collected tomorrow. I won't self punish by letting my grief hold me in the past. I can visit it but I can't stay there. Joy, even in the worst times, is possible too. Joy is allowed.
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
#costya
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It's important to say that I didn't get things right at all for Costya. I didn't understand addiction, I was frightened and I blocked him many times. I talk of love, because it is hard won, hard learned, but so often I ran away from him because I couldn't cope
#Costya
#addiction
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Hello my lovely friends. I'm taking a break from social media, & thank you for your support. I'll return soon as my work on the end of life & on addiction continues.I mention my book As Mother Lay Dying, it tells my story up to a few years ago.Both exhibitions join together now
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Day 10 since my son Costya died.There is the soul place of relief, his darkness is now light,& the human place of a mother missing his voice, hope that he's OK. I cannot allow despair though.That was his,we cannot have that any more. Always the light
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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I can't help imagining there is a special group in Heaven specially to gently welcome and help all those fragile lost souls who need special love. Today, I'm full of wonder that Costya lived his life, and full of admiration for him
#Costya
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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Costya has released both himself and me. When I get over his loss, we will work together.
#addiction
#SoulWorker
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Preparing for Easter tomorrow, & Tuesday this is where Costya will lie for his last night at home.The house is open for his friends& our family to sit with him,say goodbye,spend some final time. The kids are sticking their pokemon drawings onto his coffin too
#costya
#addiction
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Costya’s life was haunted by his demons, his addictions and his terrible darkness. With his death that has to stop. I am not making his death and my grieving about that too. We go, bit by bit, with intention, into the light together.
#addiction
#overdoseawareness
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I'm still worried about Costya. I haven't let go yet, and am anxious he hasn't found the light. Whatever he is doing, I am still a long way from understanding his loss. With the funeral in 3 days, his lying here in 2 days, maybe he will let me know he's ok
#addiction
#Costya
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I'm so used to being afraid of the phone ringing, tensing when I see an ambulance or police car nearby. I'm used to worrying how Costya will be if he comes here,if I'll have to take him crying & shouting back to London. But now, there is silence. Just space& peace. Feels unreal.
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Costya was frightened of total disconnection, was chaotic and troubled. His addiction to prescription meds and opiates and alcohol made him very lonely. He would sleep on my floor sometimes and though it unnerved me, I knew he needed it.
#costya
#addiction
#SuicidePrevention
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I had a thought about living & dying that is not about addiction.Somehow there is a gift in this loss of Costya for me,an insight,an understanding.I have to be prepared to face this journey hand in hand with him, & keep living - since I am still living.
#Costya
#SuicideAwareness
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Costya was in my dreams this morning. And when I woke, Queen's you're my best friend was playing on a loop in my mind. I take this as comfort, it made me smile and then cry, because these little snatches are just that, little snatches. Still, I am grateful.
#Costya
#addiction
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This is my 6th personal bereavement.
This time I'm turning it on its head.Acknowledging pain & loss but leaving the darkness behind,it has no place in
#Costya
or any of our lives.Bless all of you,shining light for you too.That darkness is not yours.
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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Costya made peace with death.
He had no fear of it,in the end he showed me it was simply ceasing to be here.
In our gentlest moments I told him to pray. Just say Help me, it's enough.When I found him, he was wearing a rosary & the cross on a chain I gave him
#costya
#addiction
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If Costya was in denial, so was I. The signs were there, denial in plain sight.Of course he couldn't connect to me, services, appointments. He was utterly drowning in meds, alcohol, drugs & the need to hide it from everyone. As if that would make it less real.
#Costya
#addiction
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I am only now seeing the extent of Costya's addictions. He was like an old man with alzheimers. He was only 29. I was woefully inadequate, we all were, & hindsight is so hard not to get lost in. I couldn't save him, he could not let us in so he left.
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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When my 29 year old child who has many problems physically, mentally, spiritually comes to stay, goes to bed at night, gets up in the morning, sleeps in a bed, I am so happy. Small mercies, small miracles. Right now, today, the world is a good place.
#love
#GoodMorningEveryone
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Later, of course, I'll cry, I do that on and off all the time. But right now, there is a feeling of peace. Costya is at rest in the light and so am I. Grateful for his soul
#costya
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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In my studio here, surrounded by photos and images of
#Costya
young, beautiful in his teens & early 20s. We fought so much then, I know why now. The drink & drugs were worrying him even then. And if I had known, with who I was then, I wouldn't have understood at all.
#addiction
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Today, I spoke to the DWP. Tomorrow the funeral director.Costya waits for a post mortem & inquest, take a long time to sort his affairs, get a death cert & bury him.I'm glad of these months, his life can't be wound up in a few weeks.We take this time& breathe.
#costya
#addiction
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In all this rushing about organising the funeral, I can forget Costya is missing. I no longer fear the phone ringing at night, or which hospital has picked him up but, despite that, I would love to see his name on my phone and speak to him one more time.
#Costya
#addiction
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Tomorrow I'm showing Addicts & Those Who Love paintings at the "Drugs, the Media & Law" hosted by
@Drug_Science
.Hear from UK drug experts how media & law are v much intertwined when it comes to our attitudes around drugs in modern society.
#WarOnDrugs
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I come out of the darkness to the light because Costya is in the light.
#costya
#SuicideAwareness
#addiction
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@CrystalHope1979
Oh I am sorry. What a lovely face your sister has. I am so sorry for you, bless you and bless her xx
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Eileen arrived this morning from Ghana. Tomorrow people come from Scotland, Birmingham, London, Ireland to spend time with Costya tomorrow evening. Funeral the next day. Today, we are just calm
#addiction
#costya
#overdose
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I'm sitting in the church where Costya will have his funeral a week today. His death marks the end of his story here, and another story is beginning. A Story of healing, understanding, compassion. And the wish to speak out about the way it was.
#Costya
#overdose
#addiction
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Detatching this weekend. 29 Yr old child gone quiet,that's OK,I don't really want to know.Too many mental,physical,emotional illnesses now. Who's really in there? Child in cloud of vodka + heavy meds. I'm letting it all go this weekend. I'm sending love, prayers & having more tea
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I'm taking my exhibition Addicts & Those Who Love Them, portraits & words from, of & with addiction to Edinburgh Festival this year. Such a wider picture of addiction, I have a purpose to keep painting & writing & telling stories. So much hope.
#costya
#addictionrecovery
#love
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#Costya
is released to us this coming week. We can prepare for his final days before burial, he will come home to us the day & night before the funeral so we, his friends & family, can say goodbye & spend time with him. He couldn't accept love in life, in death,he can
#addiction
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A happier moment today. Seeing the excellent Fr Peter about the funeral mass, which he will say for Costya. I took Costya's jewellery from the funeral directors yesterday, and Fr Peter has blessed it all so it can go to his friends. It's washed too. Obviously.
#Costya
#addiction
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I took 29 year old child to London, back to child's home. Child was drinking vodka from a water bottle. 1 litre per day it seems. Mad 2 hour train journey but we made it. Child is so much bigger then me. What to do. Its not my story but still we love. What to do.
#addiction
#love
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I painted this of Costya in his flat years ago after an overdose.Then,it felt that the light was all that could reach him.The isolation here is intense but I was there with love.This time,he came back.But the light was always going to gather him up,now it has.
#Costya
#addiction
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#Costya
's 31st birthday today. In the greatest rehab ever, 100% success rate, where nothing can hurt him again.
It's a sad, and good, day.
#addiction
#love
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Costya will be buried in a pair of his brother Dimitri's shoes. He was always nicking them and we think it fitting he should be buried in them. Nicely shod for eternity.
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
#love
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#Costya
is in the system, had a post mortem & is waiting for an inquest.Makes sense, no funeral till he's released.But then, I think, that's my boy. Do I mourn him there? Do I wait? He left the moment he died, does any of it matter? It's all baffling
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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Loving an addict is not a sweet reciprocal thing. It's a big tough painful thing with boundaries that we just do. Have. In the Addicts and Those Who Love Them exhibition, love is the key word. It crashes around us andnwe pick it up and keep on going.
#addiction
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Costya’s grave looks as if he's wrapped in a grass duvet,he is beyond all his demons now,& I am released from chaos.The A Graceful Death & the Addicts And Those Who Love Them exhibitions have come together with
#Costya
's death.He is my addict, & he died.We have work to do.
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I don't spend my days crying, & I am putting on my exhibitions.But my body is carrying the sadness& making me weary. It's saying, sit down, rest, take the time to stop. My body is giving me signs that all of me is holding Costya's memory, not just my head & my heart.
#addiction
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Our love does land,whether fleetingly or not,near or on our addicts.We don't know how small kindnesses landed with them, we torment ourselves with what we didn't do.What about what we did do? That matters, & must be recognized.
#Costya
#addiction
#love
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This is how it was. On a dark country road this night, Costya took something with his vodka & threw himself out of the moving car to run into the fields. He was recovered & taken to hospital. This was my birthday. He needed so much help.
#costya
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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Today Costya is 30. His birthdays while alive were terrible triggers for him, with chaos destruction & emergencies.
I've left a message on his grave here for his friends who are coming here first before tea & birthday cakes at my house.
This birthday is about peace & love.
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Honouring and changing the energy of the spot where Dimitri died.
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My dear friend Marcus Megastar has sung a small tribute to Costya. Costya would love this. How kind, how beautiful and how thoughtful of Marcus.
This is a tribute to Costya. A young gay man who sadly lost his life this week at home in London.
#madonna
#likeaprayer
#lgbtqia
#lgbtlondon
#gayuk
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With both boys, lovely to be peaceful with them and have no worries at all about them. The circle is complete, I was there at the beginning and I am there at the end.
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Goodbye
#Dimitri
my darling my love. A few graves away from Costya, who we honoured today too. I know you had to go Dims, and I give you my love and respect as you fly away home on wings of pure light.
Thank you for your time here with us. We treasure it, and you. Bye, love.
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This is my darling daughter Lexi, in quite another story.
🚨'No kids’ win 🚨
Mum of four and NHS nurse Lexi has won a landmark complaint, finding 'no kids' rental practices to be unfair.
This is a HUGE win and sets a precedent: letting agents who bar renters with children will be in breach of The Property Ombudsman Code of Practice.🧵
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Grief is personal. It is universal. I live it daily but I am also aware of joy. Joy isn't a fanfare, it can be as small as the pleasure of sitting down with a cup of tea.
Joy is a gift in grief. Noticing it is hard. Grief &loss hurt so much. Joy is also possible& ok.
#addiction
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Today is Costya’s inquest. We have the cause of death, and Lexi and I have read the report. Dimitri will read it today.
We will put this all to rest today, and bless our boy for the gift of his life.
#alcoholawareness
#love
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On the morning of Costya's funeral I woke at 5am & knew what to say. I wrote it all down verbatim before leaving my bed.
Here is my euolgy to Costya, aged only 29 - beautiful, tormented & bright.
Rest well, Golden Boy.
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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After the verdict of the Coroner yesterday, we begin afresh today.
The rain is falling. My boy is finally laid to rest.
#costya
#addiction
#Death
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In my studio preparing A Graceful Death exhibition for Brighton Jubilee Library 9-14 May.
I lost Steve in 2007, mother 2015, brother 2016, new husband 2016, father 2020, Costya 2023.
Today I'm surrounded by memories of the past.
There is healing here. My duty is to live well.
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@toadmeister
@BritishGas
Yes, my £186 has gone up to over £500.
My council tax is over £300 a month, and that's only two of my monthly bills adding up to £1,000. And this is in little old Bognor Regis.
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Preparing Costya's grave with daffodils in vodka bottles, for tomorrow's anniversary mass. I found him dead a year ago tomorrow, but I believe he died a year ago today.
After the mass there's a huge lunch at my home. Celebrating life love & the light.
#addiction
#loss
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I think my prayers weren't answered the night
#Dimitri
died because it wasn't about me in the end. Bless you Dims.
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I show Dimitri at rest in the funeral home in this update. Peaceful, perfect and loved.
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There is nothing we can do to change a suicide. It is very dark, but we can remember the light and bring light alongside our sadness, regrets and the pain in our hearts. We will have the grief, but we can also, at times, remember the light.
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Today. So many friends, so much love. It's very late now, he rests downstairs by candlelight tonight, buried next to Costya tomorrow.
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It is a battle to remember love after such a loss to suicide. But we have to do it.
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Thinking today of the death of my son Costya. via
@YouTube
I am restarting my You Tube channel - have a look, thank you all.
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I am so grateful to everyone, in a topsy turvy world I have seen nothing but love and kindness x
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This is a period of allowing the loss to settle, to let it in & sit with it. It's hard to stop regrets, it's easy to see things should have been different. But they weren't different & there were kindnesses,they must be remembered too. So many good things we had & did
#addiction
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I spent yesterday moving my things into
#Costya
's room.
I have his shorts & teeshirt hanging on the wall in here & I can smell him on them. Comforting, & distressing.
Now, because I choose to work through this with compassion for myself, I'm going to water my beautiful garden
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Costya and I are in the same light. The sadness of getting used to the extra time in my days, the loss of potential healing here in life, doesn't stop the peace of the light, when I can feel it.
#costya
#addiction
#SuicidePrevention
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About a year ago I had this dream, which I painted here. I feel comforted that something beyond my understanding was looking after Costya, and looking after me too
#costya
#addiction
#SuicideAwareness
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A message of thanks, and remembering that addiction doesn't take away the souls of addicts. They are still here.
Much love to you
#addiction
#overdose
#Death
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In the gallery, unpacking ready to set up tomorrow. Costya wanted to be here. I felt tearful today thinking of his wish to be normal, & for the pain to stop.
In reality, he was too broken to function. Shame embarrassment & stigma.
Addicts & Those Who Love Them
#costya
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And now for something completely different. I have just created my first Rebel Grandma item.
#funtimes
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Since their deaths I talk to the boys. About the chaos& destruction & how I didn't understand their traumas & addictions. Suddenly the room was filled with brilliant sunlight & I understood. The pain is gone for all of us! We are still together but all at peace. So much love.
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All around me, everywhere I drive, there are roadworks and temp traffic lights. Everywhere. What is this? Anyone else have this experience?
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This afternoon we went to the local Victorian Teashop where you dress up to have afternoon tea.
This whole weekend has been full of good things, and this one cheered me, Rhona, Desmond and Eileen up no end. And we ate so much tea we can hardly move.
#costya
#suicideawarness
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Costya as a little boy, his sister Lexi compiled this. It makes me. So sad that this happy little angel became so traumatised through addiction. Bless him, he is a warrior of light now.
This guy would’ve turned 30 yesterday.
This little boy did not once think “I will choose a short adult life, utterly
#dependent
&
#addicted
to
#substances
that will kill me”.
We NEED
#support
, understanding & compassion in available services in society.
#mentalhealth
#addiction
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#Costya
's cause of death is so far, natural causes. The inquest is investigating his use and misuse of insulin, which could change things.
Did he have agency over his death? Could he have lived? This is all so sad
#addiction
#love
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