Amy
@AmysGotBirds
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6,607
Following
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Statuses
108,629
Thank you for the gift of your advice. By any chance, did you keep the receipt?
Joined April 2018
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I hope they make a movie about the people who think Viagra can cure COVID, and I hope they call it Die Hard.
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Omg, you guys, the Jehovah's Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I've been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
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Men have nipples; they just don't serve any purpose. And neither do their nipples.
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Everyone's blaming Trump for mishandling COVID-19, but that's not fair! He's also raped the environment, stacked the courts with unqualified judges, alienated our allies around the world, and rewarded his rich friends with tax breaks. Let's give the Pork Chop his full due, 'kay?
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@chicagotribune
@vinnewell
From the same protest:
Prosecutors are pursuing 15 counts, including nine felonies, against a protest leader charged with shining a laser beam light in police officers’ eyes in August.
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My dentist plays country music, so it's like a double torture.
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@StefanMolyneux
@NoahRevoy
Fascinating! Men's lips also thin and fade. Is that why they take boner pills?
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@itsJeffTiedrich
@Jim_Jordan
And he rides in a golf cart for any distance over 20 feet, because he's too lazy to walk. He'd roll it right up to the omelette bar at Mar-a-Lago, if he could.
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I've decided to become bisexual in order to widen the field of people who don't want to sleep with me.
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@EricTrump
Biden could have full-on walking-to-the-Krogers-in-his-pajamas dementia and I'm still voting for him over your father, baby bird.
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Dollar General is open today. Starting to think he didn't actually serve.
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@tylerjaychick
@HelenKennedy
@lizzcone
@GovMikeHuckabee
On a solemn day of commemoration that doesn't make most people "happy."
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Charm is overrated. You know who's charming? Sociopaths, that's who.
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they're real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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@amyphanwest
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's when people who disagree with someone hide under the mantle of god, and act as if they're somehow "blessed" with inside knowledge and protection and worthiness. If god is real, he made Katie Porter, too. And I like his plan for her better.
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@CaslerNoel
@IvankaTrump
Chapin and Choate.
And yet, when the Trumps rail against "privilege" and the "elite," millions of people buy their bullshit.
It's maddening.
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@dad_darius
@JohnnyBiggs13
With all the crushing stuff on Twitter and in the world, this made my heart feel so light and good!
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When Trump legal advisor Jenna Ellis said he "took a step down" to become president, she revealed the values she and Trump hold: Gold-plating over an insipid meanness.
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@WMN4SRVL
@julienegrin
@Scott_at_Home
@roz_carrera
Yup. Not a fan of Biden at all, but if he's on the ticket, I'm voting for him. My primary objective is to see the stain of Donald Trump scrubbed from the White House and our democracy.
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@JoshMandelOhio
If I asked a racist to tweet something proving they aren't racist, that tweet is exactly the tweet I would expect to see.
Defending our "culture." Lolz! What IS our culture?
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@CaslerNoel
@realDonaldTrump
It's also why he had to buy Mar-a-Lago.
No Bath & Tennis or Everglades for you, Donald!
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@laurenboebert
Did they kill one of the officers with a fire extinguisher and gouge out another one's eye?
Or were they just chanting, as permitted by the Constitution?
Just curious.
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@KatieHill4CA
@Wolfell3
I haven't seen them, but are you saying you have a human lady body? OH NO! HOW SHAMEFUL! Mine is like a Barbie doll's body -- just completely smooth and featureless! Anything else is shameful. 😉
J/k, of course. When you're old you'll look back and say, "Hey! I looked good!"
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I was devastated when I had to fold the Kevin McCarthy Fan Club for lack of interest, but I'm optimistic that I'll find new meaning in life once I set up my Women for Vance Social Hour over Zoom.
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@PaganLady3
@Marston4ca42
On a tiny, enclosed space packed with hostile strangers. WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
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@amyphanwest
Katie Porter is a font of goodness -- promoting our parks, making it easier for Americans to vote, doing everything she can to protect the vulnerable during a worldwide pandemic, holding corporations responsible for their pollution and tax dodging. I'm not done, so keep reading.
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@LindseyGrahamSC
@realDonaldTrump
You made his impeachment trial into a sham. That's the sad, dangerous part.
Please just go pursue your dreams of starring in a musical. Community theater is where you'll do the most good.
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Responsible gun owners must cringe every time Marjorie Taylor Greene opens her yapper. They know the ironic truth:
Armed nutbags ranting about protecting the 2nd Amendment are an enormous threat -- to the 2nd Amendment.
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The leader of the Portland Proud Boys shot himself in the ankle and now my Sunday plans have shifted because I'll be handcrafting a Get Well card. For myself, because I sprained something while I was laughing.
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@EricTrump
I wish someone would defund the Trumps so you'd all actually have to work for a living. Trust me, you wouldn't like it.
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Whoever is in charge of access to the nation's highly classified docs should maybe ask my public library what system they're using to detect when I have an overdue copy of a Stephen King book, because those fuckers are on top of it.
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@JohnFugelsang
I watched a doc about Hitler that said he'd get jazzed up on amphetamines every night and then hold court, rambling on for hours to his captive audience of sycophant generals, and it reminded me of how Trump rambles at his rallies. Fortunately, people can leave those early.
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@leeloojbesson
Wait. So he wasn't worried about being exposed to the actual virus ... But he thought sitting across from you would expose him to the vaccine.
Is he a rocket scientist?
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My feelings got hurt on the internet today, so I'll be taking a break.
Okay, I'm back.
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Day seven of no cigarettes. This is so easy, I don't know why I've only done it 40 other times.
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@DonaldJTrumpJr
Your father is also on record supporting that war, started by the last Republican who was in office before him.
Give it a rest.
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Trump popped the bubble I was living in. I thought our government had strong checks and balances and that we could never be led by a reckless fool who would not just tarnish our institutions, but grind them into dust. If he is not impeached, "Idiocracy" will be a documentary.
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@JasonMW45
@Emerald37227481
@MartinDougher12
@DoomScroling
@LolaMontez2
@LilaGraceRose
Start preaching to MEN about abortion. A woman doesn't immaculately conceive an unwanted pregnancy. It happens because a man ejaculated.
The best way to prevent abortion is for men to double bag it or abstain.
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@SWinstonWolkoff
@Emolclause
@CREWcrew
I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if it's legal. But I'm a person, and I'm quite certain it's pathetic. 😑
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@FLOTUS
Cleverly crafted tweet, Melania! This way, if the media talks about the new book that paints a picture of you as a charlatan and racist, it means they "don't care" about the nation's drug crises (which, I suspect, you don't care about, either).
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@ask_aubry
The skirt looks like it allows enough leg motion for running away, which is my suggestion.
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@chicagotribune
@vinnewell
Just so it's clear, this quote is taken directly from the same AP story. Kudos to the reporter -- Ryan J. Foley -- for an interesting, balanced story with context.
Journalism is alive and well, folks.
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@MichanConnor
@nytopinion
And he still thinks the solution lies in markets that have profit as the highest motivator.
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@SenTedCruz
@realDonaldTrump
Lol, Ted. That's not what Republicans said four years ago.
Too bad for you, America has Google.
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@EricTrump
Give this tired trope a rest.
We probably pay more for a weekend of your father's golf than his entire annual salary.
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@MarshaBlackburn
We finally agree on something. Is your next tweet going to call on Thomas to resign?
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@Jim_Jordan
Jim Jordan tweets more than I do, and I'm a bored person with a Twitter addiction, who only works part-time.
We've both put forth the same amount of meaningful legislation in Congress, so there's that.
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Eric Trump is going to stop watching football because players are allowed to protest the national anthem.
MY DAY IS RUINED.
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I did a study and it clearly shows that happily married people don't care who other people marry.
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@TessCondor
@kathygriffin
@JimmyKimmelLive
When I said "the gold one," pretend I added what Tess said.
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@SteveSchmidtSES
How did Kimberly Guilfoyle go from this decent, intelligent, attractive man to coke-snorting, attention-seeking, sad boy Donald Trump Jr.? Talk about a step down. More like a plunge off the face of the earth, actually.
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Little Known GOP Fact
#76
:
As a young boy on road trips, Greg Abbott enthusiastically pumped his arm at truck drivers, hoping they'd blow their air horns. When one didn't, he quietly vowed to make them all pay someday.
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@EricTrump
LOL! Did you read the article before you posted it?
"Biden ... said he would raise the corporate tax rate to 28%, which he said would raise an estimated $1.3 trillion over the next decade. The Trump tax cuts had shrunk corporate taxes to 21% from 35%."
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@whutaxcent
Really? I guess they think the world is ending soon so why bother. Still. Who doesn't support recycling?!
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Holy mother of Covid, how is every person on Twitter not talking about the movie "Totally Under Control"?
Trump and his minions, including Jared Kushner, didn't "mishandle" COVID-19.
They massively, tragically and criminally cluster-fucked it with the force of a neutron bomb.
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@EricTrump
We all sometimes need a little help, Eric. Bet you have a whole slew of lawyers helping you right now. What are you accused of this time? It's fraud again... Oh, right! It's real estate fraud this time! So much better than when you defrauded kids with cancer.
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Jackson Hinkle
Has a winkle
So aristocratic
He can hardly tinkle
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Sometimes when I don't get the parrot's breakfast fast enough, she hurls her dish onto the floor, and now I'm worried that I'm living with a Republican.
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I'm naming the brave new land where Republicans can go live out their dreams Republica.
It's a magical place with no vaccinations, no public schools, lots of unplanned babies, unregulated industry, and where every argument ends in a gun fight!
What else would Republica have?
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@TuckeredOutMe
She will never, ever forget that. And someday, when she's in a position to help someone, she will, because you and your friends helped her. I believe in the promise of paying it forward.
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I came to the internet as an alternative to interacting with real-life people, but it turns out that I hate a lot of the people on the internet, too.
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I'm heading into the New Year without a care in the world!
And by that, I mean that I stopped smoking cigarettes a couple of weeks ago.
So now my brain is no longer producing the pleasure chemicals that make me care if I live or die.
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There's a guy on a reality show that I'm watching and he's very physically attractive so it took me at least three episodes to realize he's dumb.
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If I win a billion dollars in the lottery, I'm retrieving the McDonald's trash some douche keeps throwing out of their car at the exact same spot on my country road every week and I'm having it DNA tested and then I'm showing up at their house with a fucking dumpster.
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More shocking evidence of voting related misconduct in Michigan:
--poll workers greeted voters with facial expressions that looked "liberal"
--some doors into polling places were "push" but others were "pull"
--smell of Ax body spray in one of the public restrooms
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Was America always this dumb and I just didn't notice because there was no Twitter?
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@ksadjadpour
@Mwforhr
It must be a very weak god who needs man to defend him from people fighting for enlightenment.
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If you've been following my Twitter account without muting me, you may be entitled to compensation.
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@JGaffneyUSN
@LaceyVoteDem
What a delightful tidbit. I love that a reporter took the time to research that! And people denigrate the press.
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@AZScorpion_Tail
@debbiemorrow_dm
Welcome to home ownership, people. Shit goes wrong all the time. Deal with it.
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@LewisForMN
What would the police do? Shoot it? Put it on a chokehold? This is a situation for Animal Control.
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@ZaleskiLuke
I thought what a pained, beautiful, honest thing that is for any dad to say to any son before I knew who said it. I liked Biden as a person already. I like him even more now.
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@DilanResists
@MisterResiste12
I always hated Wendy's. This makes a boycott so much easier.
Their target audience is old people, so I'm not surprised. Old people love Trump.
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@american2084
@thomaskaine5
@cljmo
Good answer! Can I change mine? This is all I want. Anyone with a high IQ, thorough knowledge of the law, and a lot of righteous anger.
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If Trump is tried and convicted, he'll likely serve house arrest, and I know in my heart that Melania will be there by his side, loyally serving every day with him.
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