Ali Lerman
@AliNotAlli
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Following
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Basketball junkie and writer. Please don't DM me.
Joined March 2009
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Pinned Tweet
Oh no, tell me more about your podcast. *rolls eyes forever*
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If Elon Musk brings Trump back to Twitter I am moving to Canada.
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Welcome to Twitter: A lot of you don't get sarcasm and it shows
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Getting a vaccine is cool but have you ever tried shutting the fuck up about it.
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@BuzzPatterson
I was 100% joking, as are all of my tweets, but this is a big moment for me!! Thank you for your service!! omg my old boss is such a fan he's going to lose it.
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Let me know when the FBI raids Ghislaine Maxwell's client list.
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Welcome to Twitter. Someone will be along shortly to threaten your life because you enjoy laughing.
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Gonna gain 200 pounds, become a Victoria Secret model, and own you all.
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Jussie Smollett is guilty.
Water is wet.
Epstein didn't kill himself.
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Exciting news I watched a Justin Bieber documentary and now I'm a Belieber.
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You guys are gonna lose it when Elon releases Ghislaine Maxwell's client list on Friday.
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AOC is vacationing maskless in Miami because she's better than us.
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Today I am 11 months alcohol-free. I hope that is ok with all of you.
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Today I am 60 days alcohol free.
I've also saved myself $33,392 in Amazon purchases which isn’t great for the economy so I'm sorry about that.
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Bad news guys, I have a breakthrough case of Idontgiveafuckanymorevid-19.
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone literally shaking right now.
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BREAKING: You can still wear a mask on an airplane if you want to, bitch ass complainers.
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So lemme get this straight. Congress, the USPS, anyone coming over the border, and Afghan refugees are exempt from the vaccine mandate. OK, got it.
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I don't want to take the shine away from Veterans Day but today I am 1 year alcohol-free and I really wanted to type it out.
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Changing my name to Ukraine so I can get 1.7 billion dollars.
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I can't believe hilarious Louis CK won a Grammy for being hilarious.
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If Elon Musk brings all the boys to the yard and they're like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I have to charge I am moving to Canada.
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How delicious would it be though if the Queen served McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King at the State Banquet.
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I'm old enough to remember last year when frontline hospital workers were heroes.
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HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT VAXXED JEN PSAKI GETTING COVID IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL oh wait unvaxxed Aaron Roger's also got covid?!?!?! HILARIOUS HE IS A DEMON!- Twitter
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BREAKING: In order to keep affording to live in 2022, I have decided to change my name to Ukraine so I can also get 33 billion dollars.
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Imagine being so delusional that you think a total stranger owes you an explanation for anything.
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I am 37 days sober and I hate everyone and everything. Happy Friday.
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It's only ok to tell a president to get fucked if you're Robert De Niro.
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Having sex with Jada Pinkett is cool but have you ever tried getting her to shut the fuck up about it?
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Nothing gives me more comfort than hearing our great president attempt to threaten someone while fumbling over reading a teleprompter.
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Alec Baldwin didn't delete his Twitter account. His Twitter account deleted itself.
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omg can you even imagine how fucking hammered Nancy Pelosi must have been if her husband was the one that got the DUI?!
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Good morning to everyone except people who think January 6th was an actual "insurrection."
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I once walked around the Irvine Spectrum with Norm MacDonald smoking weed out of pipe that was shaped like a dick. One of my favorite moments in life and one of my favorite people.
#RIPNorm
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Sorry to get all political here but I'd still let Justin Trudeau hit it.
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Super jealous of the people in Philly bc they're already done with their holiday shopping.
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Chef
@CarlRuiz
was hilarious, kind, a bad speller, and omg so talented. He was a light. RIP
#Ruizing
#HotDogsInHeaven
#PinkiesOut
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I liked it better when definitions of words didn't change while I was sleeping.
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Say what you want about Amy Coney Barrett but homegirl has the eye-rolling restraint of a saint.
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Not many people know this but omnicron is a longer way to spell a cold.
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I've changed my name to Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Please give me $7 billion dollars now too.
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Just got back from not wearing a mask at Costco. Hi haters.
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Vaxxed 17 times with 412 boosters and I’m feeling amazing suck it haters!
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please also send 31 Abrams tanks to my house so I can sell them for gas money
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*Putin peels off his mask to reveal it was Hillary Clinton all along*
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Grateful that the Biden administration is working on banning methol cigarettes because there is absolutely nothing more important right now.
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I hope it's cool with everyone that I'm still a fan of Louis C.K. oh good thanks.
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Maybe if celebrities just sang to the Taliban they'd back off.
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It's a great day to get out there and be terrified and panicked. 🌈🌼🐀
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Not sure what the big deal is. The people rushing the Capital are just expressing their fweedom.
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A homeless dude just told me he'd fuck me and you know what? I believe him.
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If you haven't seen Dexter, season 4 is the best because that is when Rita dies.
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I never wanted "Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special" to end. It's brilliant and needed. 🙏
#RIPLegend
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I'm old enough to remember when there was a fake coin shortage last year.
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I can't believe people got laid off from their job like on what planet does that happen
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My parents would be appalled if they knew what I'd do for a Klondike Bar.
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It pains every fiber of being to type this out but since you’ve somewhat shared in the life of the sweetest pupper to ever do the damn thing, Angel is now making heaven as hot as hell. Angel had one job to do, and she did it to perfection. She was a bad ass bitch. 💔
#RIPAngel
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Bob Saget was the number one nicest comic I have ever met or worked with in my life. Absolutely devastating.
#RIP
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HOT SINGLE GRANNY'S IN YOUR AREA WANT TO SEE HOW TALL YOU'VE GOTTEN.
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When Donald Trump and Elon Musk go on Joe Rogan's podcast together you guys are going to lose it.
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Someone should just start a baby formula company of their own.
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I've celebrated Kwanzaa the same amount of times as Kamala Harris.
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Demi Lovato wants you to stop celebrating your weight loss because she isn't losing any and she's the boss so listen to her/she/it/that.
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If Andrew Cuomo was my dad I'd skip Thanksgiving with him too.
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