lals
@Alanascottish
Followers
16,759
Following
14,072
Media
27,254
Statuses
78,797
“lazy” is such a ugly word I prefer selective participation. Bio’s are shit you don’t need to know shit about me..... ok 👌🤙
Joined December 2017
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Hackers need to step the fuck up and delete everyone’s loans and mortgages
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If a man whispers” fuuuuuck”as soon as he puts it in.
You better enjoy the next 36 seconds. 😂
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Pornhub titles are so unnecessary fucking descriptive: petite girl with a degree In physics and a fat ass gets dicked down by a man who lost his fucking job last week (HOT) 😂
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Katie Price said yesterday that she can count the amount of Men she's shagged on one hand.
Did she have a fucking calculator in it?
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Guys are unemployed getting chicks pregnant..... like how the fuck does your sperm work and you fucking don’t?
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Dating me is fun you get a comedian and pornstar all in one. 😝
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Does anyone pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice every day?
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I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me. Apparently he waved at another woman. So to get out of a awkward situation I kept me hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove to the airport. I am now In Mexico starting a new life.
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to all big girls who are scared to go on top, just do it. if he dies he dies
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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
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Is blowjob one word? Or is it blow job?
Fuck,I hate writing valentines cards!
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Orgasms are like cooking. I could do it myself, but I prefer someone else doing it for me 😂 😉
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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes a seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “did you bring the money ?”
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What it’s like dating me? You ever had a migraine and a erection at the same
Time?
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Right no one else mention the movie we all know it’s from that 👌 get the point
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The young couple next door just made a sex tape, they just don’t know yet. 😝
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Once you hit a certain age you become permanently unimpressed by lots of shit.
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Funny as fuck when ya see the lassys who thought they were top girls in school now single with 3 kids and asking if anyone selling a washing machine on Twitter hahahahahaha
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My husband wanted sex on the bonnet of his Honda Civic, but I refused.
If we’re having sex it will
Be on my own accord.
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Just saw a grown man cut the crust from his sandwich & immediately thought, I bet he doesn’t eat pussy either.
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I just had one of them dodgy phone calls, I picked up phone and a voice says "what are you wearing?" I replied "clothes" voice asks "are you horny?" r "nope" voice asks "have you got a tight baldy cunt?" I said "aye he's asleep on the sofa, who should I say called?"
😂😂😂😂😂
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93 degrees and thunderstorm, wtf I’m I suppose to fucking wear, a thong and rain boots?. Tf
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Apparently swearing is unattractive 😂 I'm not attractive anyway so Fuck right off.
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What do Vegans eat after a heavy night out?
I just can not imagine sitting in a Cab on the way home and thinking, "I could fucking demolish a Cabbage right now!"
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Some girls can’t even cook an egg but they can do there make-up and think they’re wifey material. What you gonna feed your husband fucking AVON.
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Stop ✋ trying to follow me if you are under 25🙄 .
I don’t have any fruit snacks.
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36 years on this planet and never once have I been like “Fuck I feel like a Filet-O-Fish”
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At this point i would feel safer if the coronavirus held a press conference telling us how it is going to protect us from the government...
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I remember when I was in a lesbian relationship once, 🤔 nah not with a woman 🙅♀️ He just acted like a little bitch 🤣🤣🤣
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How the hell are people vegan?
Imagine coming home drunk and starving after a long night of turning up just to eat some fucking vegetables
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I saw two guys wearing matching outfits and I asked if they were gay?
They arrested me.
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Did you know that if you put your ear up to a stranger's leg you can hear them say 'What the fuck are you doing?'
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So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure....maybe it's a cowincidence
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I was very naive sexually. My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for 6 months
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If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex, is it fair to say the addiction got out of hand? 🤔 🤔
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For every girl that won’t treat you right, there is one who will eat onion rings off your boner
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He says he hates my guts.... oh well, he couldn’t fucking reach them anyways......
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Got sad news today. After seven years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of training & money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
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When your on the phone and someone says” right I’ll let you go” it basically means will you fuck off I can’t be arsed listening to you waffle on any longer. Guilty as charged lol 😂 👌
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Just over 36 years ago 2 people decided to have sex and now I have to go to work every fucking day. Well not this week because I’m on my holidays 😝
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I hate it when women say all men are they same..... bitch have you had them all?!
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When someone says I look familiar I tell them”I do porn”. Then watch the jaw drop.
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Sorry to let you guys down but I won’t on much I have a lot going on with my family at the moment. So please 🙏🏼 take care. Thanks for following me.
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