Alyssa
@A_lysss_uh
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get ready for some bullshit
Austin, TX
Joined May 2011
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so over the weekend a group of women who I actually thought I admired decided to buy my latest OF set and publicly make fun of me on their IG posts :) I’m almost 30 and so sick of women hating on women.
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I’m so happy ppl are upset about this, but I think every woman I know has been spoken to like this at some point. Fuck. This. Guy.
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So one time I was minding my own business crying in my apartment because yk... life... and UNPROVOKED - my google home says “sorry you’re sad, let me know if I can help” so.... yea that happened.
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It’s amazing how so many old, white men have such a deep understanding of how criminals will get their hands on assault rifles on the black market and dark web but they still need their children to set up their iPhone 5
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I’m watching the great British baking show for the first time and I was COMPLETELY UNPREPARED TO SEE OLD GREGG FUCKING HOSTING
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I’m absolutely not ready to have our already crowded gym become more crowded for the month of January
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I’ve never felt better in a set of photos, so it feels like a great time to share!
I started my OnlyFans page 🤩
I’m feeling crazy nervous and inspired and happy - just energetic to get this off the ground!
Thank you for any and all support 💖
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“What if you took care of yourself as well as you took care of your dog” : an actual quote from my therapist this week lol
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I think about Ted Lasso saying “be curious” at least once a day and I’m better for it ❤️
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If you need me, I’ll be screeching like a velociraptor until 2020.
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The women in your life lost a constitutional right today. Please understand the severity of that.
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It’s 11pm and I’m just trying to sleep but of course
@elliswes
decides to get on his “donut holes aren’t even holes” soapbox so..... here we are. And im still awake.
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@megturney
It’s the repressed rage at not being able to reach anything that drives the strength
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I hope and pray that the rest of the world understands that so many Americans are disgusted and humiliated by the giant orange pudge we call our president.
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*wakes up Christmas morning
*puts on highlighter before going downstairs 🎄
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Can you imagine carrying a gun across state lines and then killing two people and then crying like the biggest bitch of all time on national tv just because you didn’t expect to be held accountable for your actions? Truly the best example I can think of of white male privilege.
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I’m pro-choice, pro-abortion & pro-mind your own goddamn business. Ppl are starving, our society can’t stop shooting each other and the planet is literally collapsing before our eyes. Yet, our gov thinks our time is best spent pushing religious ideology into public politics? No.
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Why do mosquito bites have to itch? Like take my blood and leave I don’t need to know about it.
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Current drug laws are inherently racist and dated. They don’t reflect what the majority of Americans believe in or want for the future. Legalize and expunge.
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TWEETING BEFORE WES HE PREFERS ROOM TEMPTERATURE WATER LIKE A PSYCHO
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Attack of the clones is my favorite I don’t even care to hide it anymore
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Twitter help a girl out. To chop or to grow: (disregard the dumbass face I use whenever sending my mom pics)
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I am going to play soccer tonight for the first time in over a year. I am going to get my ass kicked 🙃😭
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I am truly trying to understand why people would rather take horse medicine than get the vaccine actually made for ppl. 💀
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There is no greater barrier in my life than the motivation I lack to put clean laundry away
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PIE PEOPLE. I’m making an apple pie for the first time on Thursday so send me tips so I don’t fuck it up🤘🏼
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The fun thing about being in Italy is I make up things that could 100% be true but they aren’t and tell them to
@elliswes
and then laugh so now he trusts nothing I say 🇮🇹
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My FAVORITE time of the day is when I show
@elliswes
all of the trash posts I save on my tumblr to show him.... coincidentally this is Wes’s least favorite time of the day
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It’s been 5 months since we got our couch, and
@elliswes
accidentally sat in my spot for the first time and realized that I have the best spot. What was once a relaxing space is now a war zone.
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@elliswes
took nice pics of Heidi and when I say that I am BROKEN I hope you all truly understand I mean BROKEN 😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
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Part 3 of yesterday’s shoot is live 😍
I’m overwhelmed by how many people have stopped by my page to check it out - seriously I can’t thank each and every person who’s taken the time to check it out ENOUGH!!! Thank you thank you thank you 💖
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I bring this up because I pool partied really hard with my friends before a flight home and rolled up to the Indianapolis airport still drunk and my parents picked me up in the new car they didn’t tell me about. So they watched me wander, DRUNK, for like 20 mins.
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I’m short. We have no chairs for me to stand on. I’m in a battle with our dying smoke detector and I’m losing. I’m being haunted by the chirp. - my excerpt before my novel
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So I bought the natural/only peanuts peanut butter a Whole Foods in hopes of finding a healthy alternative to one of my fav snacks. What I got instead was a tub of absolute disappointment.
#JIFforever
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FUCK OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT
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Report the false shit your racist, conservative relatives are posting on Facebook.
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I have ignored my acnh island for the longest time since I started playing (about 5 weeks) and the ANXIETY I have to pick it back up and deal with the villager shame…
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I tried to help a raccoon who dropped a to-go box from the top of a dumpster in my freshman dorm parking lot & forgot that the raccoon didn’t know I was trying to help it (he hissed) so that’s probably the most dangerous situation I’ve been in because of a Disney animated film.
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Me thinking in my 27 years of life I would be fine to watch A Little Princess on a plane without shedding a tear.
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*rearranges a lamp and buys a house plant*
Me: I Truly missed my calling, I was made for interior design. Watch out Joanna Gaines.
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Insurance companies are raising rates when they know people can’t afford to reduce coverage - cause yk we’re in a PANDEMIC- and they’re sleeping soundly at night. If that doesn’t ignite anger deep deep in your bones it fucking should.
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I rick rolled people so many times this year that never gonna give you up made it on my top songs of 2018 on Spotify so now every time I listen to the playlist I get rick rolled. Punishment fits the crime.
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Thank god we were able to make it somewhere where there IS power, but our home has been without power since 1:20am Monday morning with no end in sight. What in the actual fuck are people supposed to do???
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If the words “drop dead Fred” mean anything to you - did that movie also traumatize you into the adult you are today????
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Maybe a dumb Q, but when did we stop inventing new instruments??? Did we just look at a full orchestra one day and decide “that’s good”!?
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Your vote counts. Healthcare matters. Women matter. Minorities matter. The safety of our citizens is important. Your civic duty is important. This is an arena where you can make real, tangible change for the better. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.
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So I listen to movie scores when I have to get ish done- and then the Jurassic Park theme comes on and suddenly my world is so magical and what I’m writing is so important so thanks John Williams for being my forever hype man 💕
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In case you haven’t noticed, me and
@elliswes
are in a constant battle over who can have a better banner photo
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remember how masks were an infringement on personal liberties?????? DO YOU REMEMBER 🫠
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Boomers love to play the little games on the Delta in-flight entertainment screen
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Airports are crazy, we have 12 ppl just asleep on the floor, 5 people in sunglasses indoors, a girl just pulled a literal mini vanity out of her purse to do her makeup and a child dressed like Spider-Man just climbed and jumped off a trash can. It’s 4:45am.
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Oh we proud 🤩
You never know who may drop by our
#StarWarsShow
live stage at
#StarWarsCelebration
! Take a peek at exclusive portraits taken backstage.
📷 by
@elliswes
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I am the perfect height where if I walk by doors with long handles my belt loops get caught and I get pulled back like I’m on a leash.
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Living in a dorm in college did this really bad thing where whenever a fire alarm goes off I have absolutely no urgency to get out of the building.
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The party I throw after this impeachment will be the party of this century.
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In this episode of “Alyssa and Wes make everything harder than it has to be”...we went to IKEA and bought a bed and coffee table.
@elliswes
has an arm in a sling. Our timing couldn’t be worse 😂
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People are upset about the fall of skinny jeans but ya’ll are SLEEPING on slacks and classic trousers. 1000x more chic and more comfortable ✨
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If you late night scroll on food delivery eventually the strip clubs start popping up as options and I love that. Why yes driver please pick up my wings from ‘The Landing Strip’ ❤️
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And the world’s biggest thank you/ love letter to
@megturney
for being the most amazing person to learn from 💖💖💖
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I watch fish tank YouTube videos and
@elliswes
watches ant colony YouTube videos so our household knows a lot about tanked animals we’ll never own.
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One of my favorite games is to drink and unfollow the people I went to high school with who are now involved in a pyramid scheme after they post something politically ignorant
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THIS is the quality content my feed deserves.
Meet Zoboomafoo’s new granddaughter! Her name is Marie and she was born at the
@DukeLemurCenter
in Durham. Her mom Gertrude is Zoboo’s youngest daughter. She’s in good hands at Duke Lemur Center, a world-class sanctuary for rare and endangered prosimian primates.
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I’ll say it again since people seem to not want to listen, if you have to relate a woman to someone close to you (I.e. you mom, daughter, etc) you have a fundamental issue with your ability to feel empathy for your fellow human. You don’t humanize a woman by relating her to you.
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We got a approved for an awesome renta home today which is awesome but even better is it has a yard which means HEIDI GETS A YARD FOLKS 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
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I get sick and
@elliswes
gets me 3 bags of honey lemon ricola cough drops AND Star Wars shape chicken noodle soup so basically I’m cured ✨
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“Im not that extra” - me as I seriously contemplate purchasing a rose gold plated bed frame
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During the last election I sat at a bar watching the madness while a bartender poured me and my friends shots of pity tequila and I listened to Barack Obama’s inauguration speech while I cried when I got home. So yea, please go vote like our nation’s stability depends on it.
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Lol the fact that there was another school shooting and no plans of acting on gun control the same week they’re going to try to get rid of abortion tells you how much republicans actually value a child’s life.
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