Mom. Grandma (nanni). Purveyor of Public Records. Genetic Genealogist. A perpetually churning Kaleidoscope of Native, Spanish & European ancestry. she/her
#MBC
My darling daughter stayed the night and slept next to me last night.
I don’t know how to do this part.
We’ve had anticipatory grief for years. Now it’s like thousands of pounds of weight.
Now what? How does one leave this world.
Give all my shit away? I just don’t
My momma really loved the ocean. I got to take her a couple of times. This was in 21.
I don’t know how to do this thing where your mom dies. Of course it’s just part of life, but that doesn’t minimize it’s impact. I struggling already & I haven’t left the safety of home, yet.
@marketamp
@RoArquette
@elonmusk
That’s a ridiculous excuse to not do it. Seriously.
People that care, just act. They don’t need to be asked, a given a plan, they just show up and do it.
So there is nothing to stand on with a empty offer that sounds good.
That’s just petty.
The cancer treatment isn’t working. Onc is heavily leaning on stopping treatment and not feeling horrible the remaining time I’m here.
I feel like I can’t breathe.
It’s because people want to be able to discuss death but america somehow managed to create a culture that doesn’t have a lot of coping mechanisms for grief, and it’s left people yearning for mechanisms for which to change that.
So welcome new followers. This is me not leaving
want to spend the rest of my time worried about shit that doesn’t matter.
How do I spend time with my granddaughter and not cry every single second away?
My other two grands are so little they will not remember me.
How am I to make a decision about continuing treatment
that I know what’s to come isn’t good.
It might be strange to some that I’m here on sm at all but I have a feeling this space will be useful as it always was to allow me to just vent.
It’s so weird when you vent to “Twitter” about dying, you somehow get new followers.
I have the worst headache. It may be the worst I have ever had. It’s the bone mets. My jaw bone and the skull mets are all inflamed now. Everything is throbbing and I can’t cope this way. The pain is too much.
Fuck you cancer.
*don’t need advice*
@KTVB
Praying her daughter pulls through.
I’m proud for this woman to come forward, admit her mistakes.
Anyone here to put her down needs to reflect on why they in fact shouldn’t.
or not.
I don’t know how to do any of this. I don’t want to do any of this. If I say no, does that make me weak? Knowing that there will be side effects that I may not be able to overcome while my body is already so compromised.
Eribulin will be the drug if I choose to go
I have not found that moment where I say oh, I’m dying, here’s a bucket list.
I don’t have the stamina for buckets, or travel, or activities. I’m just to much in pain and things like nausea control most of my days.
My sister wants to come to see me, I definitely want to
Palliative care Dr thinks I should start hospice. She said I would be able to keep treating the cancer but these feels I’m physically unable to manage my dx. And life would be better if I did.
I’m struggling fam. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready.
🥹
forward with treatment. I really don’t know what to do.
How hard will it be sitting here knowing there is nothing in my body to fight the cancer back? That is already impossible to manage mentally.
The fucking shit is even in my jaw bones.
I’m already in so much pain
Friends LOOK 👀
I am so fucking happy right now.
I needed this to say stable!!!
Thank you so much for all the love, prayers and support.
I’m so elated. This is so damn awesome.
My beautiful, brave, sweet, generous, loving friend
@LibbyMbc
has journeyed on. This incredibly ugly disease has taken her beautiful light from this world, leaving her Violet without her Mom.
While we have watched Libby endure some of the worst experiences this dx has to offer
Yesterday you were grinning ear to ear about abandoning DEI in Idaho government.
Don’t pretend to give a fuck, be careful as it literally highlights your racist ass.
@seattletimes
Deceased, long Covid, and the reality that some cannot work bc they are vulnerable and unable to take the risk. Economists will continue to be baffled as the gap widens further because the pandemic is not over.
It’s really not a head scratcher.
@chrismohney
We’ve bailed out banks and we subsidize LOTS of things including the damn NFL.
I wish people would look at all the beneficial ripple effects student loan forgiveness would create.
I have this lovely purple dress for the party! Moms favorite color. I turned 50 this year, and the whole cancer thing… however I found myself feeling pretty today.
Jewelry by
@aliwatson117
and
@tzingona
thank you my beautiful friends.
I’ve decided to cancel todays chemo appt. I have lost four days to nausea and my fatigue is out of control.
Yesterday my big job was making it to the shower. It drained me just getting there.
I still have two more to go before a two week break and a pet scan.
Need to vent.
I am petrified of my upcoming scan. My body hurts the way it did when I went stage4. I refused to let it affect me while on vacay… coming home was brutal physically and mentally.
I’m not going into details but sometimes support at home is… difficult
Nausea, vomiting and outright stomach from hell since yesterday morning.
This chemo builds on itself. The fatigue just doesn’t go away now. The stomach issues are multiplying.
As is the fluids from the edema, AGAIN!
I’m sorry to unload all of this, sometimes
I will be going home this afternoon! The palliative teams have been in communication and we are going to increase my at home doses of analgesics.
Hopefully this will prevent another pain crisis.
Hopefully this will keep me out of the hospital.
I’m anxious to move forward with
Heavy sighs.
I have been to the oncologist.
I’m not in the worst position, but my options are limited.
Stage4 breast cancer is never a curable dx. Time, time is what stage4 is about. It’s about eking out every last day one can with ea available option.
The pain of progression in my bones is indescribable. It hurts too much to cry most of the time. And if I do cry, it only makes things throb harder. The throbbing pain is worse than hot stabbing pain. I don’t know what causes the throbbing. Sometimes it makes it feel
People in the community purchase bouquets for people in hospital. The floor staff decided I should be the beneficiary of one. So sweet of them! Look how pretty 😍 even comes with this beautiful cup and saucer that will surely brighten the morning coffee or tea.
@NancySinatra
@MicheleJeanson1
@RoArquette
It’s very heavy. I wish protecting our right to vote meant as much to them as the right to bare arms. I’m deeply saddened that the game is to make the President unsuccessful, when their job is to actually work for us. They aren’t. It’s really gone amuck.
The coroner has been to visit me today.
My wonderful , beautiful, fiery, Momma has left this world.
To say I’m devastated sounds so inadequate.
I’m lost.
No momma.
No.
@Songstress28
This is so sad, and unnecessary.
They allowed the convoy to have their protest, they spend millions on frivolity and had no problem searching for a sub w/millionaires on it.
I’m watching this from the US. The world is watching. The shame should be felt by them.
@JackPosobiec
@MattWalshBlog
The locations and exact amounts were not fully known.
Why are you like this?
Where is your empathy?
These children have living family.
They have carried this trauma.
FFS if these were your relatives, would you act the same?
@DC19583
@LEBassett
It’s important to understand that “abortion” also includes ectopic pregnancy and most any other situation where a infant has died in utero or has life threatening health implications for the individual carrying and the infant itself.
It’s estimated that 10-15% of pregnancy ends
Eleven long days since we last exchanged our daily “good morning, I love you 💕 “ texts.
8 long days of feeling like I’ve been punted into a dimension where you don’t exist anymore and all I have is memories.
Not one second of peace with you gone.
I miss you ever so, Mom.
🥹
Whomever is praying… all of you. Thank you. I am going home. With amole pain meds and a confident palliative care plan that includes taking care of the next pre authorization.
@johnowashere
@morgan_sung
I wonder if she felt a tinge of humanity knowing the crown holds massive amounts of cultural artifacts. And this would include human bodies they kept for “science”
She could have ended the many atrocities occurred in her lifetime, she could’ve given the LandBack
🤷🏽♀️
Need to vent!
It’s gonna be a really long night, again. The pain is so intense. There’s no getting comfortable. It’s so deep in the bones, it’s not like any other pain I’ve ever experienced. Absolutely fuvk cancer.
As always, thank you for being here.
Love
A
My sleeping pattern has gone by the wayside. I’ve begun to realize that part of it may very well be anxiety.
Fear of dying in my sleep. Which by every stretch of my imagination not a bad way to go.
It’s bec stuff is undone. I’m not “ready”.
It’s also become super painful
The amount of long term effects of the cancer and the side effects of treatments are extreme.
My body has felt like it’s not mine for some time now.
Problems become unsolvable, quality of life greatly diminishes.
Pain has been more manageable, for that I am so grateful.
be so bittersweet. It’s so much weight to carry around.
I could try the Eribulin. But the onc did not seem to think that would have any really extension on the situation.
But I have a lot of questions. What they see as not a lot of time is seen a lot different by the patients.
I did it! My first watercolor flower!!
I think she is beautiful. I had so much doubt it would even look like a flower!
Hahahaha this one I could do again and again and learn more about the blends. Even use different colors.
So the palliative care Dr let me off the hook and told me my scan results!!!
No new spots. Decreased uptake in some areas. Still a lot of bone activity but no progression!!!!!!
Breathe.
@wired4story
Heart broken for you and your family. Thank you for always being a bright light in a dark space. I will never forget you, Liz. I pray your transition is pain free and you are surrounded by love and peace. 💜💜💜💜
And my grandchildren. My legacy.
I don’t know if there is such a thing as “making peace” with the facts.
I’m pissed off. I’m angry. I feel cheated, ripped off, stolen from.
How can I be okay with leaving at what feels like such a young age.
I’m only 50. I found this lump
Hello friends😊
My scan results are “clear.” No evidence of metastatic disease in my brain tissue ( in my actual skull, I have lesions, which we knew already)
No evidence of a stroke.
All excellent news and I am so grateful.
What we don’t know, is what did happen that day?
It is so strange to look back on my life with the knowledge that I’m leaving soon. Adds a whole new color to the spectrum.
I’ve seen my life as a perpetually churning kaleidoscope. The kaleidoscope will keep churning long after I am here.
It churns in my children
Update…
Well friends, as it appears I am u able to say I am ready for hospice, then I must not be ready to stop treatment.
I told myself many years ago that I would never do chemo again.
However.
Things change.
When I think of the alternative, my physical response to the fear
@PeopleRepellent
@_virgogre
Culture is absolutely tied to land. How do you think cultural cuisine, for example, would be different if it didn’t originate in a specific area where specific food, spices etc are available?
People who get shitty about your cancer dx when they are mad at you often say shit like “everyone dies”.
And it’s true, we do.
However.
It’s those very same people who couldn’t handle having to do what I do to live.
#FuckYouCancer
#StageFourNeedsMore
when I was 39. I couldn’t get help until I was 40. By that time it was already stage3.
10 years is a long time. I’m not ungrateful, but I’m still allowed to feel all of these emotions too.
I don’t even know what to say to the rest of my family.
I don’t know how to look
Little miss went to the groomer yesterday, and they did her “in velvet”. Very soft and looks like velvet in the light too. You can see her whole face.
Oh isn’t she pretty 😍
When I say I am a part of the best community, it’s not hyperbole. These words here, brought me comfort, encouragement, and love. So much love, so many kind words, all the prayer, virtual hugs, none of these things can be replaced with something different. The uniqueness
@A_Research_Guru
Don't leave quietly sister. Your spirit may leave us, but your words and what you still have to teach others about this journey, is not yet done. We are here, many of us are here and we love you. Scream, cry and hurt, our hearts feel your heart. 💕😢
at my partner every morning knowing what’s to come.
I hurt for him. He told me he doesn’t want anyone else. That he won’t ever have anyone here in our home.
I feel selfish to say that brought me comfort. And it made me hurt for him all over again.
This remaining time will
Okay!!
The changes are very small that are being reported on the PET.
I was hoping this would be considered and it definitely is.
Staying the course right now and keeping a good eye on symptoms!!!
IM SO RELIEVED 😅
I reviewed my Medicare payments and saw how expensive the Enhertu is. $20,000
It blows my mind to see numbers like that. To know how much it costs to keep me alive.
For reasons I don’t know, it sits heavy on my mind. I even asked myself if I’m worth all this.
Of course I am.
Finally got my head shaved… feels so much better.
💪🏼
#FuckYouCancer
At least I have a beautiful shaped head and some facial features that that help like high cheekbones.
Chemo hurts. I know a lot of people say, “you get through it…” the truth is the opposite, it gets through you.
And as it does it leaves you in a mess behind it.
There is no “easy chemo” is there easier? I don’t know how to compare. I don’t think it can be. Perhaps the regimen
@A_Research_Guru
Blessings to you, and prayer🙏🏼
Have you considered looking into the Cancer=Parasite connection? I have been hearing on Twitter that treatment has healed people in stage 4.
Onc and I have determined that Enhertu will be the next line of treatment . Once every three weeks. She seems fairly excited about it working and giving me more time. There are some precarious side effucks that come with the treatment. Inflamed lungs. Joy.
Anyway at this point
Need to vent…
My so called “dad” decided he wasn’t going to get a Covid or flu shot before coming and. Ever told me until he is now sick.
In my fucking house:
Where I have ZERO immune system right now!
Nobody has ever disrespected me so flagrantly in my life
see her and the kids too. I want to maybe enjoy Thanksgiving together. That would be freaking awesome actually. We haven’t had a holiday together in a very long time. I can’t recall the last but it was certainly before I moved here. And that was a lifetime ago.
My new neighbors are trumpets (MAGA).
They hung their flag today. And I’m not impressed. I wasn’t impressed before they hung the flag, now it’s plain depressing. I was raised that your political views and your religion are private. I will not be having bbq with this neighbor
@KTVBJoe
Wow. There really are no words that can describe the small minded world that these individuals are a part of. What a bold display of racism and hatred. A prime example of the division and disconnect that is not congruent with American values. I hope they are all fired.
Pain pain go away.
Do not come back another day.
Ugh. I hate when my pain goes up, it’s bone pain so it’s miserable as fuck.
It’s also adding to my anxiety. Maybe the taxol isn’t enough.
I’m miserable.🥹
Well Thursday is my usual day for chemo but for whatever reason this week and next are on Friday.
I have to say I’ve been depressed about treatment. It’s so hard on my body. The side effects are many. The edema seems to be the chart topper this week.
My hips get so
Good morning friends.
Today is Enhertu number four.
I am struggling with motivation to go.
Yes death is motivation… but doesn’t mean my body is appreciative as my mind.
The nausea and vomiting has traumatized me. I so much as think about it, like now, and the nausea
Why are teeth extra?
WHY?
Will I need twenty thousand dollars.
How do it get there?
What do others do?
I just need two implants to hold in the lower denture so I can wear and function in them. With out implants it is a mess. No proper nutrition either.
Not to mention how you
Sending love to anyone that reads this today. The holiday can be very overwhelming. And lonely. A real struggle.
If you need a safe space to vent, you have one here. Grieving loved ones also takes a different toll. This is year one w/out Mom.
Be kind to yourselves, it is
I have shopping, wrapping and cooking to do.
Oh, and did I mention today is chemo day too?
Sheesh.
Hoping it’s kind enough to let me enjoy Sunday without too much ick.
@vanmorrison
The pandemic is what is shutting down the economy. People without jobs, a lack of consumer confidence, and people unwilling to practice mitigation efforts are what is shutting down the economy.
🎵… the waiting is the hardest part🎵
Labs were good. Had a mocha from the coffee shop. Now just waiting for the premeds to start. Infusion 1 of indefinite.
#Stage4BreastCancer
#MBC
#Chemotherapy
The amount of support I receive here is so uplifting. I’m so fortunate and just need ya all to know I love you and I am so utterly grateful to be a part of this community.
Much love
Always and forever
A