Acting the Fulemin
@ATFulemin
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Last Seen Profiles
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I think a lot of people think the point of sports is that your team will win and then you will be happy. That is not the point of sports. The point of sports is to be sad in a group
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The Penguins always have like eight injuries and twelve call ups I've never heard of. The call is like "Malkin gains the zone with wingers Mark Donk and Buzz Flibbet" and you look and they both have 47 points
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if you place a bet on the NHL preseason Gamblers Anonymous should be at your house within ninety minutes
NHL betting guide: Tips and strategies for preseason wagering
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relocate them again
Our 2024-25 season jerseys 🏒
Inspired by our love for Utah and our passion for hockey.
#UtahHC
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LEAF FANS: We're sick of playing Boston first round every year.
NHL: No worries fam. We're gonna put you up against a team that wouldn't normally make the playoffs but that won a huge upset last season.
LEAF FANS:
NHL:
LEAF FANS
NHL: Also if you win that you face Boston
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He's 4'11". He's never had an assist. He can only skate diagonally like a chess bishop. NHL comparable Evgeni Malkin/projected third round
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the Washington Capitals are threatening to become the first team to make the playoffs against their own will
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every Taylor Swift release feels like a cosmic test. i want to be like "people are excited, they're having a shared experience, it's fine that it's not for me" and i also see a million tweets congratulating her as if she invented having lyrics in songs
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Tortorella is going to come in and get the Flyers back to basics. They're going to play determined, north-south hockey and if not everyone in that room loves him, they'll respect him. They will finish 23rd in the NHL
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i've diagrammed the Leafs powerplay to help explain it to casual fans
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[levitating several inches above my couch] i guess the Bruins just didn't have the killer instinct of a team like the Toronto Maple Leafs
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Marc Bergevin may not have won a Cup as GM of the Habs, but did the team show progress under him? Well, no. But did the team's long-term outlook improve under his guidance? Also no. But did he at least conduct himself with the highest standards of integrity? Actually no he didn't
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every gimmick the NHL does is like "We have an interesting idea. But we've fixed it so the interesting parts are taken out."
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Subban didn't actually intend to retire today but Chara was retiring so the refs pulled off another guy for no reason to balance it out
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to be clear this is a joke. the actual explanation in the article is probably that it's because Daniel Craig allowing you to relax is the forgiveness you never got from masculine role models in your life or something
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PATIENT: Doctor, I am depressed.
DOCTOR: Go see the Edmonton Oilers. They resigned a goalie whose bones are dust and who undermines their two offensive superstars. You will laugh and laugh.
PATIENT: But Doctor, I am Leon Draisaitl.
DOCTOR: why are you getting pissy
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For a first-line scorer you can either get Girard + Kamenev + Hammond + Bowers + 1st + 2nd + 3rd or Adam Larsson
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TBL and CBJ have vowed to keep playing until a vaccine is discovered and I for one admire it
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@NHLPlayerSafety
I feel for you, social media person, because you're going to be the only outlet for people to express their frustration with one of the worst and dumbest entities in professional sports
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if the leafs lose this game, i'll expect them to lose the series. but if they win this game, i'll expect them to lose the series
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i actually don't think Leaf fans deserve a Cup but i do think the fans of all the other NHL teams deserve to have the Leafs winning the Cup happen to them
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Paul Maurice took time, reflected, and realized he wasn't tired of coaching, he was just tired of coaching the Winnipeg Jets
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this series is going to be an absolute nightmare on Twitter. you have the Bolts, who specialize in ugly hockey, and the Leafs fanbase, who consider every missed tripping call against them a war crime
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It is legitimately insane that the Sabres retained 50% on Hall and all they got was Bjork and a second. I don't even know if she plays hockey
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when will it stop
Bo Horvat on how he and his wife settled on wearing No. 14 with
#Isles
after being No. 53 with Canucks:
"Four plus one is five and four minus one is three."
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i might sound conservative here but i think that we, as a society, have coddled goalies too much and too long. and the result is Jordan Binnington
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"We're suspending this player 41 games. For gambling. But not on hockey."
"So what did he do wrong?"
"It's a secret. You don't get to know that. Buy tickets now and bet with one of our corporate partners."
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it's too bad the Oilers-Panthers matchup is so morally degraded because it's actually a good final from a hockey perspective. regrettably we must cheer for both teams to be destroyed by God
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the real reason people are debating giving Bobrovsky the Conn Smythe is because if we admit how much of this sport is just goalie heaters we're going to start feeling uncomfortable about how random it is
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THE THING THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO US HAPPENED THE OTHER WAY
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well, it's not going to be easy, but it's good to finally have a road map back to hockey
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ATLANTIC DIVISION POWER RANKINGS
TB
TOR
BOS
[several ladder rungs]
FLA
[a canyon]
MTL
[an ancient abyss]
DET
[the darkness that consumes all things, destroys all things, voids all things into the perfect nothingness that will endure after the heat death of the universe]
OTT
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"Hey Pierre, should we draft this prospect?"
[third eye opens in the middle of McGuire's bald head]
"𝙃𝙚 𝙥𝙡𝙖𝙮𝙚𝙙 𝙟𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙤𝙧 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙈𝙤𝙤𝙨𝙚 𝙁𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙤𝙧𝙮 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙗𝙡𝙚𝙨 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙘𝙤𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙁𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙯 𝘿𝙞𝙘𝙠"
"Is that good?"
"[𝙬𝙚𝙞𝙧𝙙 𝙗𝙪𝙯𝙯𝙞𝙣𝙜]"
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i think Ryan Reaves actually has fixed the Leafs' team toughness because now they know if they seem too obviously soft the team might start playing Ryan Reaves again
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to be clear it isn't that i've changed my mind, it's that i hold both beliefs simultaneously
Leafs fan who was sure team would be swept after Game 1 now equally as confident they’re going to win the Cup
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I don't know what Will Smith is feeling right now but if i slapped a man in the face on live TV and then won Best Actor I would be 100% convinced I was God
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I swear to God there's a soccer championship without warning every six weeks. I never know it's coming and then on a random Thursday everyone goes bonkers because East Sexchester has won the Galactic Cup on penalties
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have to wonder if this quote prevented GMs trying to make a waiver move
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i'm fascinated that this has now happened for like six consecutive years
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the proudest annual tradition for Team Canada at the WJCs is having a team of skaters who will one day make up the elite of the NHL, and a goalie who will eventually start in the Italian B league
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i knew in my heart when i made this tweet. i knew one night they would come for me
The Penguins always have like eight injuries and twelve call ups I've never heard of. The call is like "Malkin gains the zone with wingers Mark Donk and Buzz Flibbet" and you look and they both have 47 points
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God I hate this stuff. can't have anything cool or fun in this sport because it might hurt someone's fucking feelings. Zegras scored a goal that people might find impressive, we better get Jay Beagle to go slug a guy and keep the sport from being too interesting
“That’s the problem with these young players. You wanna embarrass guys? You wanna skill it up? You better be prepared to get punched in the mouth.”
Coyotes broadcast applauds Jay Beagle cross-checking Trevor Zegras/beating Troy Terry senseless. Embarrassing commentary
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The NHL announces it has given the strongest possible response by fining Russia $5000, the maximum possible under the Collective Bargaining Agreement.
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the thing about Tony DeAngelo spearing Corey Perry in the nuts is that i think it's basically good that someone speared Corey Perry in the nuts, but I also think it's good if DeAngelo gets suspended for being a douchebag, so really this is all working out for the best
Philadelphia’s Tony DeAngelo will have a hearing today for Spearing Tampa Bay’s Corey Perry.
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I will say this: other teams get disappointing losses, but we get beautiful theatrical disasters where we lose in ways you couldn't imagine if you took opium. For their next trick, the Leafs will blow a lead to the cast of cirque du soleil. 5 guys in a human tower will play net
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The NHL playoffs will end with the Islanders slowly suffocating the Stars for a 1-0 overtime win in which neither team has 20 shots on goal. Time will slow down and then eventually run backwards. We will advance in reverse towards the past and that will be how we escape 2020
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LAINE: I want a trade.
CHEVELDAYOFF: Why?
L: I'm tired of playing in a smaller market.
C: Hmm.
L: And I don't like not playing with quality centres.
C: [smiling broadly]
L: What?
C: [texting Jarmo Kekkalainen] nothing
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With modern medicine doctors can now predict recovery times accurately to within one week in mid April
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Me several weeks ago: it's cool how the Raptors are doing well. though i am mainly a hockey fan I hope they have a good playoffs
Me today: fuck Kevin Durant and his legs the ring-chasing fake account motherfucker you think you're gonna space the floor against Board Man eat shit
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anyone who cheers for another Canadian team "because they're Canadian" is a fake Canadian
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this league sucks so goddamn bad
As part of Native American Heritage Night and to honor his wife, who is native, Marc-Andre Fleury had a custom-designed mask created by Cole Redhorse Taylor. Mask quotes his dad on back, has names of his kids.
He’s bummed the NHL has informed him he can’t even wear in warmups
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i recognize there are people like this, but every year it makes me laugh when people on twitter try to remind leaf fans not to get too cocky. buddy i wouldn't trust my team to beat a gang of mannequins. my rational brain says leafs in six, my paranoid heart says habs in two
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It's gonna be so annoying when the Red Wings are good again. The young people simply don't know what it was like. I feel like the old man in the village who has to explain some ancient evil of my youth has returned
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The Kucherov thing again proves what wimps hockey fans are. In the NBA players will be like "I hope everyone in Sacramento gets abducted by aliens" and people are like yeah legit. Kuch celebrates going B2B and people act like he threw a grenade into a baby carriage
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The Habs have a bit off a rep here as the toughest interview. Just now Calle Odelius said they asked him if he would pick up $10 off the toilet seat or $50 from the toilet. He chose the $50.
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you guys are really overreacting to a loss that's going to leave the series tied with the Leafs holding home ice advantage. the final loss is going to be much worse
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it's been said obv but we might as well repeat it: Elon's blue check thing killed replies on this site. you used to see genuinely funny people riffing in response to stuff and now it's a mix of bots and the most excruciating people alive
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he sang the whole fucking thing
Sheldon Keefe has nailed too many songs at drunk karaoke in a row, and now believes he can totally hit the high parts in Bohemian Rhapsody
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Look, we may be tempted to gloat tonight. But there are people tonight that just saw their most cherished dreams brutally crushed. Sens fans
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The NHL has this silly playoff format to "build rivalries". Any two teams in a competitive playoff series will want to napalm each other's homes by game 3. Calgary is Canadian Dallas and these teams are fighting like the loser has to take ownership of Ted Cruz
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I trained an AI on the last fifteen years of Leafs games and then got it to predict the game tonight
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Something noble about the Caps making the playoffs by accident and losing immediately. They're straight up with you: they don't want to do this
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maybe the Leafs are somehow having Nick Ritchie absorb all the curse energy and by not scoring he's actually powering the franchise
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if President Dipshit actually manages to start WWIII and we all die, I just want you to know, this was totally gonna be the Leafs year
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citing religion as an excuse for bigotry doesn't make it any less bigoted, it's just bigotry with lore
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I think the NHL needs to go back to junior until it's ready to play at Mitch Marner's level
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Burn the tape. Fire the coach. Trade the team. Fire the GM. Trade the tape. Burn the witch. Coach the trade. Team the tape. Fire the fire
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it's tough, but no one can fight progress: the NHL is replacing its arbitrators with sophisticated AI models. my source in the league offices gave me a sneak peak below.
Arbitration filings in for Ilya Samsonov (TOR). Team: $2.4M; player $4.9M.
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i like how any time someone points out that the Bolts work the refs and have for years Cooper suddenly goes "why ah'm just a down-home country lawyuh and i've nevuh seen such animus" and then strolls away
“Manipulated the referees? I’m not sure what that means.”
As the gamesmanship in Leafs-Lightning ramps up, and the goalies go silent, neither Sheldon Keefe nor Jon Cooper is willing to give an inch:
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i like John Wick because there's a major film franchise built around a guy killing like 300 dudes in response to them killing his dog and everyone agrees that was a proportionate response. there is no argument. they killed his dog, man
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assuming the Bruins acquired Zacha because they heard about a bust from the 2015 draft class and they wanted to complete their collection
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at one point this man's default expression was Just Offered Surprise Muffins and after a month in Edmonton he looks like he's suppressing memories of the Vietnam War
The Connor McDavidization of Jack Campbell is happening before our very eyes
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the Habs finally got a face-to-face with John Tavares
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I am a little terrified to find out what gets you fired for "unprofessional conduct' in an organization whose CEO went to reporters on the record to call its stars "fucking horseshit"
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i know it's only four games but man these quotes out of the Canucks locker room are tough
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i have no idea how people complain about HNIC being a Leafs-centric broadcast when I've just had to hear 15 minutes about how Claude Giroux is mentoring Tim Stützle like he's fucking Qui-Gonn Jinn
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i heard some of the NHL team hashtags weren't working so I looked into it, these are the official ones
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for some reason i thought the game was in Toronto and not Montreal so i thought we might avoid a 57-minute ceremony introducing the 2022-23 waiver wire. my mistake
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"You may not like them, but you've gotta respect the Boston Bruins." no i don't
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Sheldon Keefe has nailed too many songs at drunk karaoke in a row, and now believes he can totally hit the high parts in Bohemian Rhapsody
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Binnington now at the "getting dunked on by guys i thought were retired" stage of I'm Not Owned
Still laughing at Alex Goligoski scoring and mocking Binnington firing up the crowd
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fascinating misconception among some American fans is that Canadians care about the Canadian Team Cup Drought since 1993. if it's not the Leafs I don't want a Canadian team winning a goddamn thing. would you rather some random stranger be successful or your worst asshole cousin
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this is a loser opinion for dorks
There's an etiquette to how you treat an NHL opponent in a blowout. You don't put your top power play out there late in the game just for fun. You don't put your top centre on defence just for fun. And you don't put your emergency goalie in just for fun. Respect them to the end.
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a lot of people are going to focus on the Bruins losing after setting the regular-season points record, but it's important to note they also lost despite getting more power play opportunities than any other team in the first round
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EDMONTON REPORTER: How does it feel to munch absolute butt in yet another game?
DRAISAITL: It's bad?
[one day later]
EVERY OTHER EDMONTON REPORTER: Our brother, struck down in the line of duty, will stand as a moral monument to our tireless fight for justice and truth
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William Nylander seems to end most of his plays like a Roger Moore James Bond (unflappable, having narrowly dodged disaster, possibly having sex) and Ondrej Kase ends them like a Daniel Craig James Bond (bloodied, upside down, possibly questioning his chosen career)
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Hard not to conclude the Leafs are the villain in an 80s teen movie. Rich, arrogantly dumb, widely loathed, and doomed to get beat by every plucky underdog ever. All we can do is enjoy the brief periods where we're driving around in a red corvette and a letterman jacket
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Rempe comes over from the next postal code to leap into Lyubushkin's head. excited to find out whether the New Justice everyone told me the Rielly suspension represented is going to apply here
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