Andrew Roffe
@ASAP_ROFFE
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On tour with @CharlieBerens. Repped by @StewartTalent. Mensch to @jewthings. Standup dates ⬇️
Chicago, IL
Joined March 2009
I just told my mom that Timothée Chalamet was Jewish. I have not heard her that excited since one of her grandchildren was born.
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Welcome to Jewish Thanksgiving. Where we stuff our turkeys and then tell them to lose weight.
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Bar Mitzvahs should happen at 25 when you desperately need the free meal, money, and party.
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How come when a dog eats breakfast and then goes back to bed it’s considered cute but when a human does it it’s considered depression?
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One of the perks of being Jewish is getting out of plans by telling people you observe the Sabbath.
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A friend of mine just referred to a shiva as the “funeral after party” and I’ve never been more hyped to be a Jew in my entire life.
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Remember the good old days when presidential candidates argued about golf?
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The only religious story I believe is that the Jews wandered the desert for 40 years. It’s called Scottsdale.
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When I was a kid my mom made me go with to see the movie “Death Becomes Her.” I’m 80% sure that’s what made me gay. Anyway… #HappyMothersDay
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Tell Me You’re Jewish Without Telling Me You’re Jewish: My mom bought me a cake to celebrate my weight loss.
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I personally want to thank @AlexEdelman for his one man show. It’s given my mother something to talk about other than why I’m not married.
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I’ve been in Miami for an hour and everyone I’ve met has the last name Weinstein or Hernandez. This city is one giant law firm.
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Absolutely. Think about how much more pizza I could eat.
Show debate: Would having 4 arms/hands increase your performance in the bedroom?
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Time for a @WWE appreciation post. Last night #WrestleMania40 made me feel like I was 12 years old again. And honestly that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
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Not sure if you know this but the “ish” in Jewish stands for: I’m So Hungry.
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