Dee
@ADDeeCee
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The ✨Autacity✨ | AuDHD | AutisticElders | AutisticBurnout | Aphantasia | BLM 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️she/her
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I didn't 'fake autism to be quirky' I incorporated quirky into my autistic personality to fake neurotypicalism
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Me, an autistic child, “playing” with my dolls by dressing them up, arranging them, and then gazing at their loveliness 😍
Adults thinking I “love babies” and will “be a great mom” someday 🥹
Me, quite perplexed: these are not babies tho and I’m not their parent 🤨🤔
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My psychiatrist: ok but do you take negative feedback badly?
Me, autistic af: only when it’s WRONG 😤
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Kind of amazed (but not really) that it took me actual decades to realise “I’m so stressed” didn’t mean the same thing for my colleagues as it did for me 👀😭
#ADHDAutism
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Being Autistic means never being able to truly set the boundaries you'd really like to have.
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Important note to my NDs: people who praise you for being honest or “speaking up” will usually not be there for you when you get in trouble for doing so 😑
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This is why I’ve always loved this definition of autism (from )
Did you know that autistic brains generate, on average, 42% more information at rest? 🤯
This explains SO. MUCH. of the autistic experience...
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the autistic experience of thinking you’re all on the same page only to find out the hard way that you weren’t even using the same book 🫠
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from my latest psych report: "A personality disorder cannot be diagnosed, since the significant social interaction deficits can be explained much better in the context of an autism disorder"
this is the 3rd time a certifying professional has come to this conclusion 🥲🙏
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I genuinely interpreted “get outside your comfort zone” as “get outside your familiar-terror zone & be terrified by additional new stuff” I’m having trouble believing that some people feel comfortable most of the time? My whole life has been “feel the fear & do it anyway” 🎢😰
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it is my ✨opinion✨ that there are ADHDers on twitter dot com who need to consider seriously that they are also Autistic cos ADHD can only stretch so far 👀 this is not a specific subtweet, but just a thought I’ve had for a long time 🤷🏻♀️
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@Naimaism
@alwaystheself
Poor people in general will have to work, but poor white people will blame Black people instead of blaming the rich people who own and run everything.
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I get a certain type of acute anxiety where it feels like I’m about to get in trouble…like I did something wrong and will be facing my accuser(s) imminently. I can’t figure out what brings this on or how to stop it—is not as distractible as regular anxiety. Anyone?
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them: oh you’re autistic, what do you collect?
me: I guess I’m not that kind of autistic cos I don’t really collect anything*
(*except shoes, handbags, bracelets, makeup, table linens, dishes, books, vapes, black trousers, skin care, notebooks, yarn, wrapping paper, etc, etc)
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i feel like it’s very nd to talk about your brain as a separate entity, like do nt’s ever do this? my 🧠 wonders 👀
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4 yrs ago today, i was sacked w/o warning in a surprise, un-calendared mtg, from a job i loved & was v good at…by 2 ppl i’d have called trusted friends. the shock, the betrayal trauma, the gutting moral injury, the loss of our only income…i’ve never recovered, likely nvr will
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@AutisticSpinstr
I don’t know…they were always trying to get me to *play* with them and I was like, I already am ffs 🤦🏻♀️
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I take it back. I don’t only need clear, non-bullshit feedback as an
#AuDHD
accommodation, I also need free space to *respond* to the feedback with how it looks from my side, without being condemned further as “defensive”, “not taking feedback on board” or just “negative” 😒
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"Justice sensitivity" is a characteristic often seen in ND people. But it is a very blunt instrument & can do damage if not properly calibrated/reality-tested. I guarantee you there are lots of ND people who believe passionately in the Righteousness of some really wrong things.
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@lovettejallow
I just saw a post on LinkedIn listing all the “best” Black films and TV shows and they were all white-written and -produced. I was shocked by the list, just by sheer numbers (incl profit!) but not surprised by it unfortunately.
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guy in my book who’s been evaluated for ‘every psych condition’:
“I wasn't depressed. Not anxious. I just lived with a simmering cauldron of rage and contempt for the assholes and idiots of the world, and that took up a lot of my time.”
…so they missed the autism then 👀😏
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I’m thinking it *could* be helpful (for me, maybe others) if I describe my experience with autistic meltdowns and shutdowns, primarily as an adult. Yeah/nah?
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I read a quite good, comprehensive list of
#AutisticBurnout
symptoms and one of them was, you’ve become the toxic person no one wants to be around. I’m completely haunted by this now. I can’t say if I was or I wasn’t, but I was treated like I was. It’s so against my values 😞
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IME, a top form of masking for an autistic woman is 'traditional attractiveness', which makes people overlook all sorts of eccentricities. For me, the effort of maintaining it caused burnout; the sexual attention/harassment it drew made it unbearable to sustain.
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The mistake isn't thinking that you are unable find the right words to explain how you feel, it's that there *aren't* right words to make uncaring people into caring ones.
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Does anyone else think that hyper-empathy, pattern recognition, and justice sensitivity are a bad combination? 😰😭
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For one thing, it took me relatively much longer for it to register that I was distressed beyond normal high baseline levels. By the time I was actually verbalising it to anyone, I was far beyond “stressed” but I guess it still didn’t show 😐
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If you're ND & fucking pissed off about how people who should've known better have treated you, come sit next to me. I am not at all bothered whether you're being 'too' angry, 'too' victim-y, etc.
This is a safe rage space ♥️🤬🥰 & no judgments if/when you sit somewhere else 💟
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Imo this story is very NT-normativity vs ND-brains—the Spanish guy is like, BUT I DIDN’T WIN & the reporter is *insistent* that he would’ve won if he hadn’t helped out his competitor
The data that says NDs won’t lie to gain an advantage…I think this is what that looks like 1/
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Why didn't/don't you fuckity fucking ENGAGE with
#ActuallyAutistic
people about it?? Our FURY is greater than yours, rich artist person. 🤬
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Unpopular opinion? I almost cannot BEAR to listen to podcasts hosted by men. When they have male guests, they interrupt each other aggressively. When they have female guests, they talk over them relentlessly. It is SO UNCOMFORTABLE for me, even more than anger-inducing. Just me?
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to clarify, it is all but miraculous to get *one* psych to say it’s autism not a pd when examining a middle-aged woman…to get three different ones is 😭😭😭🙏🏼
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Not every AFAB person is primary inattentive are they? Where are my impulsive, blurty, awkward-talking hyper ADHDers? 🥳😭
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Until it reached the occasional meltdown that couldn’t be forced into a shutdown or managed through dissociation instead…then 😱😭😱
Oopsie 😵💀
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cw suicide
I’m not suicidal, but I’m starting to deeply understand why autistic people unalive themselves. Ngl, if I could rewind & bypass the Big Burnout, I would be fine to keep masking in perpetuity. I don’t know how to fix this, to feel “better”
I don’t want this 💔
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the manic pixie dream girl to exhausted broken nightmare crone pipeline
Do you have any idea the blood sweat and tears it takes to appear CUTE AND QUIRKY when you are in fact COMPLETELY AUTISTIC. It is the plot of a goddamn spy novel.
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When I got married, I changed to my husband’s surname, which I guess people assumed I did cos Tradition? Hahaha no. I saw it like preemptive witness protection cos his surname is much more common than mine, therefore making it easier for me to disappear/be unperceived 🥸
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@ADHDelaide
Also society: we will mock and stigmatise the meds that actually help you and also make them extremely complicated to acquire 🤬🤬🤬
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It’s so disheartening to realise that a lot of Autistic unmasking is down to explaining yourself…to people who don’t understand, &/or care, &/or believe you. Or simply glaze over with boredom.
Followed by, ‘oh, everyone does that’.
#ADHDAutism
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I have a longtime NT friend who helps me a lot, including phone calls. Today she got me a physio appointment (explained my whole situation to them for me) & then spent 15+ minutes explaining exactly where it is, how to access, where to take off my shoes, etc & 😭😭😭🥰
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Does anyone else overshare at times due to being worried about “lies of omission”? That still messes with my head to this day. (It’s also cost me extra ND tax sometimes 😑)
#AskingAutistics
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Whenever I'm upset with someone, I find it nearly impossible to look at their face or interact with them verbally. I'm not in the least trying to do the 'silent treatment' but I'm sure that's what it looks like. I just...can't. Anyone else?
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I’m tired of all the ND experts listing work needs for ND folks but just TOTALLY ELIDING ANYTHING ABT EMOTIONAL DYS, MELTDOWNS, RSD. Like stop “selling” us as normies who just need headphones 😤 You want NDs, you gotta be ok with being outside your emotional comfort/judgment zone
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I don't like to make plans ahead of time cos what if I don't feel like doing that thing on the day?
I don't like last-minute plans cos how can I switch my brain to doing something unplanned?
I hate saying no so pls don't ask; I'm awful & my friends have given up.
#ADHDAutism
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❓Have you focused on focusing?
❓Have you made a list about how lists can help you
❓Have you tried watching the time to be aware of time?
❓Have you concentrated on your concentration?
⁉️HAVE YOU TRIED TRYING⁉️
✅ Top NT advice for just stopping having
#ADHDAutism
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my new dx criteria for
#ActuallyAutistic
adults:
😂 funny af--puns & self-dep humour galore
🥺 write long-ass emails to ~avoid~ misunderstandings 💀
🤓 autism & NDity become major SpIns
🤨 no sensory issues apart from (LONG LIST OF 'MINOR' BOTHERS)
😎 too cool for school
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“[Autists] are given no explanation as to what’s wrong & usually offered no 2nd chances to redeem themselves…& slowly ‘phased out’ after repeated unfortunate social interactions even though they’re not aware anything’s wrong…until friends ghost them”
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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this drug kills off actual parasites in the body—they’re simply trying to exorcise Autistic spirits from bodies they think will still be useful only if the parasite is killed
NEW: There's a private telegram group where parents give ivermectin to their children with autism, down syndrome, and more. They continue, even when kids complain of horrible symptoms.
read
@daithaigilbert
:
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hey anyone else have meltdowns via email? cos that was great for my career wheeeee 🥳😭💀
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I’m so bad at discerning if people like me or not. Truly I wish I could just ask, get a straight answer, and carry on with life accordingly. Trying to infer liking (or validate vague feelings of being disliked) is too much for my brain apparently.
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This was part of “our” ongoing efforts for me to “feel proud of myself”, a thing my brain couldn’t be less interested in. So she asked me about positive feedback I valued & I told her a lot of that was meaningless to me (ie, b/c it has to be RIGHT **and** smthg I care about) 🤷🏻♀️
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We talk a lot about exec dysfunction and how it impacts our careers/work lives. It's all about not being on time, disorganised, forgetful.
Can we talk about emotional dysregulation and its impacts on our ability to acquire and keep employment?
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I believed this too, I think, and I wish I would’ve acknowledged my disability before it became incapacitating. Being “smart” or good at certain things makes it hard to admit you can’t do it alone
#AuDHD
#AutisticBurnout
Starting to realize that somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still believing I could "fix" my ADHD if only I knew enough about the symptoms and collected all the coping strategies.
Almost like being unwilling to give up some kind of control.
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Why do people think it’s cute to point out that someone’s blushing??! 🤨 Like they’re having a physiological reaction to something that’s usually a bit embarrassing, so instead of heightening that by pointing it out, why not just stfu?? 🤯😤
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@laurenancona
I agree, & I have some sensory aversions to babies & children even though I *want* to just love them. (That is what’s painful for me, that I can’t make my brain do what I want, on so many things.) I’m just agreeing that children should get to be themselves.
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I’ll never be an advocate of
#ActuallyAutistic
un-masking, at least not fully or unconditionally. It’s absolutely fraught with potential pitfalls and even danger.
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Random work person saying “great presentation!” can be meaningless bc I don’t know them &/or bc I know the presentation sucked &/or I had to specifically care about how well *that* presentation went 😶
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If you're a woman in your 30s-50s & your ADHD suddenly gets REALLY bad (not just cyclically so), know that peri/menopause can make ADHD much worse *&* meds less effective. You *may* need hormone therapy &/or increased med dosage--or at least extra awareness/coping techniques! 🚨
If you find yourself struggling or failing more often, it doesn't necessarily mean your symptoms are getting worse.
Maybe you're doing more thing, meaning more chances to fail.
Like how an adult has more responsibilities than a teen, making it harder to cope with everything.
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Rest is the only way. Not like eat healthy veg/do a daily run rest, but Do Nothing rest. Reduce stimuli of all kinds, try to eat somewhat regularly, engage in SpIns if it helps. But mostly rest…lots of time being/hearing silence. “Exposure therapy” approach is counterproductive.
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What's the difference between 'feeling sorry for yourself' and 'being sad about bad stuff that happened'? Is there one? Is the former a value judgment like 'laziness', or is a 'pity party' a real thing that people shouldn't be doing? /gen
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I can keep anyone else’s secrets 100% no problem.
Mine? I blurt, so. 😭
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For example: Thinking white people are the ones who are really the victims of racism; believing that women make up false claims of assault; thinking NTs all are against you. Etc.
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Aaaaaaand there it is
#ADHDAutism
Just in case anyone is wondering why I seem to accomplish so little with so much free time, here's a handy dandy infographic
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“…I did have feelings. A whole fucking lot of them. So many that I had to be selective about the ones I'd let in on any given day. If I wasn't careful, I'd find myself consumed by feeling everything, all the damn time.”
i mean
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ND twitter 🥺🥰
What feels like therapy to you that isn't therapy?
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🗣white NDs we REALLY need to listen to BIPOC NDs cos we REALLY do have a racism problem. I’ve been blocked now for the 5th time for what were fairly mild pushbacks on racist crap. If you can’t handle my gentle starting points, you’re probably pretty invested in your whiteness 😒
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It’s not some precious lil tale of “selflessness”, it’s LOGICAL & OBVIOUS that the Spanish guy wouldn’t win so he ensured the right winner won. I also couldn’t wear a medal for a “false victory”, but I’m not some sweet lil autistic angel or anything. Idk, this just captures 2/
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This was an unexpected kick to the gut. It’s both extremely upsetting and extremely validating. IDEK I’m speechless.
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I reeeeeealllyyyy hate it when people tell me to “pick my battles” cos they’re only saying they don’t approve of the ones I DID FUCKING PICK YOU TOTAL ASSHOLE FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW 💪🏼
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It's weird how after only five decades of it, I'm completely fucking sick of everything I do/say being treated as cringe, suspicious, having ulterior motives, oversharing, having meanings I don't intend, etc 🤡
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Good point--here's the
#neurodiversity
list I currently use, please lmk any missing!
- ADHD
- Autism
- DCD/Dyspraxia
- Dyscalculia
- Dyslexia
- Tourette
- Acquired Neurodivergence (eg TBI)
& more recently added:
- Verbal Apraxia
- Sensory Processing Disorder(s)
- Aphantasia
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Read this 🔥 🔥 🔥 post by Dr Kate and let the fact that laziness doesn’t exist sink deep into your self-judging, shame-riddled souls. “YOU WERE NEVER LAZY” 💟
#CancelLazy
This month's ADHD blog post is up! I have a couple of other posts on my mind, on more random topics...
and if I don't get around to them, it's not because of laziness.
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I’m never sure what constitutes trauma, so I assume I’ve only been traumatised by life-or-death stuff. But I recently got a new psychiatrist who specialises in ND adults. She kept doing 😧 & 😬 when I told her things, so I asked her the trauma question. Turns out I has it 👀 👁👁
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Ho. Ly. Fuck. I had to look this up & it’s worse than I imagined. Gladwell’s original bullshit is bad, but the matter-of-fact tone by which the article’s author (reviewing /Blink/ in 2005, The New Republic magazine) explains the “temporary autism” is 😳🤬🤬 (text in next tweets)
Hey remember when he wrote that cops become temporarily autistic under duress and that's why they shoot people
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I often focus on the “asking for help from the NTs” thing. But can we just acknowledge how fucking exhausting it is having people trying to solve problems you don’t have, just because they can’t/won’t LISTEN…or imagine having the problem you actually need help with?
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For anyone who thinks this sounds a bit whimsical or rebel-without-a-cause-like, it’s absolutely not. It stops you doing things in your own best interest. It causes awful interpersonal issues. In employment, it’s a nightmare. The anxiety & overwhelm can’t be overstated.
8. My brain rebels whenever I am asked to do anything, with an immediate reaction of 'no way,' no matter how beneficial the thing might be. I have to do everything in my own time which is a nightmare for actually getting things done. This is Pathological Demand Avoidance
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My 3 biggest forms of masking:
- Competence/good with words
- Affability/humour
- Reading people
When any of those go wrong (& they can go *spectacularly* wrong), nearly no one believes it's not on purpose or I didn't realise/know better.
Worst is when I don't believe myself.
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I suck at therapy, like a lot. I resist it every step of the way and end up arguing half the time away. I hate all “exercises” and anything I feel is not reality-based/logical. Is this just a me thing or an autism thing? Both? Neither?
#AskingAutistics
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Like I literally got a standing ovation for an event and all I could do was try to smile right and live for the moment I could get out of that auditorium 🥸
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this is exactly how my autism went undiagnosed until The Big Burnout 😕
I keep coming back to the fact that my ADHD went undiagnosed for so long, because a high-functioning, overachieving woman, constantly bordering on burnout was seen as fine, because as long as I didn't burnout, no-one really cared that maybe I was functioning but not fine.
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Yes, I really felt different to all the 'normal' people around me my whole life, but it was not exactly that. I felt like everyone is essentially the same as me, but that they are way better at it than I am. I'm not sure that even makes sense...
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If you already have
#PTSD
and
#AutisticBurnout
, how would you know if you were also depressed? /srs
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I'm literally *always* nervous around *anyone*...*everyone*. I think they really don't know that about me. I am only truly comfortable around 3-4 humans. I had to start telling my therapist I was masking for her as well. IDEK how to start to stop.
#ADHDAutism
Masking, to me, feels a lot like never letting my guard down. My behaviour changes markedly when I am with someone compared to when I'm not
As soon as there is someone around, no matter how much I love them, my focus becomes being perceived as acceptable, not doing the thing
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If you're autistic and/or OCD, does this question make you sweat bullets? COS WHAT IF I DO/DID AND I DON'T KNOW IT 😰😰😰 I super-extra try to be anti-racist, but I also try to communicate effectively with NTs as much as possible and I fuck that up all the time eeeeeeeep 😰
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I'M NOT 'BEING DEFENSIVE', I'M TRYING TO RATIONALLY EXPLAIN TO A GD NT ***WHY*** I DID/SAID WHAT I DID/SAID. BECAUSE YES THERE IS A REASON THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE IF YOU WOULD FUCKING LISTEN.
#ADHD
#ADHDAutism
#NeurodiverseSquad
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I know I’ve found my people when they also think of showering in this way. “Just hop in the shower!” NTs say. “It’s quick and easy!” they chirp. It’s a big sensory state change with many process steps to be remembered and completed 😰 followed by more state changes 😩
When you turned the TV off but you can't get yourself to get up because talking a shower is like 14 separate careful steps which you can't will yourself to do right now.
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What's the mood called when you write tweets, edit and hone them, get them just where you want them in order to accurately describe your feeling/experience...then delete them. Because that's the mood I've been in for quite a while now.
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@drjenwolkin
@AutisticCoach_
As Dr Devon Price said, “laziness does not exist, but unseen barriers do” and wrote a whole book about it. The original article from a few years ago really blew my mind and reshaped my worldview 🥰
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