Thinking of taking my next author photo with the dog Snapchat filter so that readers know I'm DTF.

RT @michaelmalice: @mattlavietes Notice Asians are people of color when theyre victims, but treated as white when they succeed You suck an…

@CommanderZel @StrangePegs Well, that's not us, so on that we agree, I guess.

@CommanderZel @StrangePegs Just remember, there's a difference between politically incorrect and just being mean for no reason. Censorship is the death of good comedy.

@MayorGia Hey! I'll always be dead inside but I'm still technically alive. I'm hoping to post in the next week or two. Gonna finally announce my new project, but wanted to have enough to actually show everyone.

Despite my best efforts, my wife would not allow me to give our poodle supervillain eyebrows during his last cut.

@Fish0nAHeater Al Bundy is an American treasure. Ted Bundy is... well, whatever the opposite of that is.

@MDFang As soon as my monthly data resets (how is this a thing? graaaah) I'm going to give it a watch.

Loud douchebag: "Hey look, I don't want to be that guy, but..." **PROCEEDS TO INSTANTLY BECOME THAT GUY**

@Pickleope Wait, so are we talking about chefs who have bad tattoos or people who have bad tattoos of chefs?

@MDFang If I can at least top Sailor Moon for my first project, I'd be happy. "How many times could he possibly reuse the same cheesy frame-for-frame shot?" Just you watch, bucko!

I wonder if the girl on Instagram fighting with numerous people in the comment section of an ad for Morton table salt realizes that her 118 rage-induced comments look a lot like hitting the Internet's rock bottom.

@MDFang I have a feeling 2018 will be a pretty good year, too.

@MDFang Awesome! Alright, that's next on my list after I get through this season of Hajime no Ippo.

@MDFang You think it's something I might enjoy? (Also not being ironic)

@MDFang I should warn you... I'm a trained boxer.

❄️❄️It's our first big snow of the season, so you know what that means! ❄️❄️ ...Time to break out the tiny dog sweaters that make me feel like less of a man when I walk them.

Just saw a guy who was so fat and so tall his work vest looked like an unsnapped bra.

@PatHatt24 "It's true, dawg." - Tupac, 2018

@scrappybooogle You mean to tell me that Shakespeare didn't write like a 13 year old girl who thinks she's incredibly deep?

@katydidknot I might have just said his poor use of the period/ellipsis. Either pick one or pick three, jackass! In between makes no sense.