LadyFuckWit
@Ladyfuckwit
Followers
11,675
Following
6,424
Media
2,460
Statuses
105,082
3 things: Love always wins. No retreat baby, no surrender. Fragile like a bomb, not like a flower #TeamTina
Joined May 2011
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The loveliest/kindest person on Twitter has to be
@Nigella_Lawson
.. how she talks to peeps, it’s just lovely of her.
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Instead of a to-do list for 2016, I'm writing a ta-da list, of stuff I've accomplished despite setbacks.
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@Dingybatt
@michaelshelford
She was charging the backing track on her phone not answering a text, the song had come to the end 😂
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I organised secret Santa at work .. I just put my own name on ten pieces of paper and everyone picked one. Can’t wait for Monday.
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I brought my daughter, ticked the yes box... outside an elderly women asked me ‘love, my eyesight isn’t great, can you find my card in my bag’ so I did and she said ‘isn’t she beautiful (my daughter) I’m here so girls like her can be minded at home so I’m voting yes’
#IvotedYes
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The Catholic Church wants to introduce contactless card payments during church services. As had been suggested by many ..show example, start with contactless priests.
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@tragedythyme
I could feel your fear ... was so worried reading the thread that it wasn’t going to end well. Another problem is, if anything more had happened to you it would have been debated publicly as if you’d somehow invited it. So sorry sweetheart x
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Get your Royal Guest name:
• Lord or lady
• First name of a grandparent
• Name of your first pet
• Favourite insult
Lady Madeleine Missy Fuckwit
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Today is the first Christmas Day that I haven't cried since my wonderful dad died 7 years ago .. I never thought this day would come. To anyone who has lost a loved one, the tidal waves of loss will pass, the love stays forever
#joinin
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My daughter said she was sitting on her own again and she gave the girl the note and she read it and said ‘thank you’.. and smiled - that’s all I got from her 😀 it’s the last day of term so hopefully the girl left school a bit happier than when she arrived.
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So I got a present of my dead aunts precious wine glasses. Covered in dust, so I cleaned the crystal delights by hand. They are beautiful and expensive af. Lined them up after washing. Plugged in the vacuum, pulled the cord and shattered everyone of them. How’s your day going?
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A ‘real woman’ will wear what the fuck she likes. Stop body shaming women
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@MyDaughtersArmy
@JoTreharne
Wasn’t it the stewards that tried to stop her and the other runners were stopping the steward?
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The results are in, after weeks of anxiously waiting, it's good news. I'm all clear - I do not have breast cancer.
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Christ ... getting over a broken heart is a load of bollox isn’t it ?
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I’m afraid I am going to have to insist that you do something nice for you today, a pastry? A walk? A catch up with a friend? That nice thing you have been putting off? Do it today … it’s my birthday today so officially I’m in charge of everything so off you go x
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May I ask you to star this tweet if I'm not following you and you're following me so I may follow you back ... thank you muchly xx
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My husbands mother likes to advice me on how to rear my children, which is ironic considering the work I've had to do on one of hers
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Icelandic law has shifted from asking a rape survivor “did you say no?” to asking an accused perpetrator “did they say yes?”
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A friend phoned to say this morning her father with his hand on her shoulder took her hand off the top of her kettle, turned it off and said stand back, right before the electrics blew and her kettle went on fire. He father died 4 years ago today. I almost typed this in all caps
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I, for one, am not doing dry January. It’s bleak enough without alcohol
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If I ever go missing, please put my face on a wine bottle, not a milk carton. I want my friends to see it.
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The most apt description of twitter in classic literature ... explained by Lewis Carroll
http://t.co/yJTXfaMWxv
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Was a nice day for a white wedding...
- She was beautiful.
- They are in love.
- People enjoyed themselves.
We can just enjoy that for a moment without getting our knickers in a twist about everything.
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How about women decide what they do and don’t say, the same as men decide .. oh and also .. don’t be a cunt x
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a fridge asking it to love her ... there’s four types of cheese, two types of wine, eight types of meat inc sausage and cold pizza... I’ve proposed to the fridge. Yep we’re in love. For better or wurst
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You know when you’re driving and there’s a really slow driver in front of you? You pull in slightly too right? So everyone behind you can see it isn’t you driving like a fucktard? Can’t be just me
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There comes a point in every marriage when you look into their eyes and say: why don't you fuck off and live somewhere else?
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My birthday cake ... I HAVE CAKE, yes it’s a princess cake with meringues and my favourite colour is yellow ... no I’m not 4
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Hobbies include drinking anything that isn’t water, standing in front of the washing machine waiting for the cycle to end, looking at photos of people I don’t know and, staring into the fridge for inspiration when bored then eating 3 bars of chocolate watching cookery programmes
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2/2 'I miss you Aunt M, pls send a message'. So I replied 'be good Vicky, it's very hot here'.
- Some of my relatives still don't talk to me
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@tragedythyme
Yeah .. the demure smile you HAD TO use was pure terror to read .. and made me want trap him like that so he knew how it felt - but he wouldn’t because he isn’t a woman .. there are great men we all know that etc your spouse being one no doubt
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This pandemic is stupid, if I had wanted to flutter away my time, losing the will to live, I would have stayed married.
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@msmalonedies
@domsdads
I know right ?! Each country sends in their kindest/most articulate 10 year olds and their agreement becomes each country’s proclamation -the 10 year olds collectively become the Leviathan. What’s the worst that can happen? We’ve made a bollox of everything doing it the adult way
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17 year old just asked what we are having for dinner tomorrow.. ffs
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When someone makes a joke on here .. it's an f'ing joke. We all have shit we have to face and lives that are f'hard and days we would rather not face and this is our escape. We come here to be ourselves ... just let's give ourselves and others that x
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Dearest twitter, I’m doing one whole week sans political tweets .. I’m getting far too settled in our relationship and we need more filth in our timeline x
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I remember that feeling on the weekend of my 17th birthday, loved, positive, optimistic, realistic .. same feeling this weekend .. almost 30 years later. Still wake up optimistic for the gift that’s today. Still loved. Still the same values, still as quirky like I was back then
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“People” who like gardening .. what the fuck is wrong with you ?
I’m filthy, sore and I’ll never get this day back
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If your between age 38 and 53 ... congratulations you don’t exist. Please collect your belongings and make your way to the nearest exit and no complaining. Stop making lunches and doing the laundry immediately. All other generations have had enough of us apparently
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Shout out to squirrels for remembering where they keep their nuts every year.
I hid a Bounty Bar in my desk yesterday and now I can’t find it.
This may be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
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Autocorrect changed 'snap' to 'anal', did I check it before I pressed send to all contacts in the mothers of son's maths group? Did I fuck
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Remember when America’s biggest issue with a president was that he got a blowjob in the Oval Office.
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My 9 year old: if protesters throw things at Trump, will his security shout 'Donald duck' ?
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Today I needed a friend and I had one I could reach out to and now everything doesn't seem so bad
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Being Irish when someone hurts the UK it's a bit like 'I'll pick on my sister but don't you dare do it or I'll end you'
#manchesterattack
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Can you let me know when we have confirmation that this planet is being used as a mental institution for other planets
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Snow is falling .. SHOULD I PUT UP MY CHRISTMAS TREE IM SO OVERWHELMED
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Gave my mother two bottles of Moët for Mother's Day - one to celebrate having me as a daughter and the other as I'm the reason she needs it
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Put clothes in the laundry this morning, went back into my room and my panties were on the floor so picked them up and rushed out the door. Went to the butchers, this evening put my hand in my pocket for my money and what did I pull out in front of the butcher? Yep .. my panties
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Men: I’m going to bed *goes to bed*..
Women: I’m going to bed *loads dishwasher, puts out bins, makes lunches, irons, locks doors, turns off lights*.
Men: why does it take you so long to come to bed?
-marriage
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Breakfast: quinoa smoothie
Lunch: asparagus chicken
Dinner: 4 glssses of wine, box of Ferraro Rocher, entire loaf of bread and a lamb bhuna
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Loads of people are gardening during
#lockdown
, mid-March I planted my arse on the sofa and so far I’m flourishing
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I just have to retweet this. How many of us had this in our homes growing up? Go on, sine proud of your age
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Today is International Clitoris Day. Some men won't find it on the calendar. Either.
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Did my
#LeavingCert
, got more points than I needed, get 2 degrees, a first in an MSc and - a million years later - I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up ..
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If I was banged as much as my alarm clock snooze button I'd be much happier getting out of bed in the morning
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My daughter: I'm calling granddad to wish him happy Mother's Day as mothering isn't gender specific but a concept.
-she's 7.
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Good morning ... today I am on top of the world and nothing’s gonna bring me down 💃🌟🎉
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Statistically, 15k people are having sex now, 23k are kissing, 32k are hugging. And you are reading this.
~ Trust me I'm not happy either
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50 miles on a treadmill - lose 4 calories. Eat one sweet - gain 453,234 calories.
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When I rule the world the first thing to go will be tags on the inside of clothes .. itchy stupid things
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Remember being 20 and thinking you'd have your shit together by the time you were 40?? Really fooled ourselves there.
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So the protocol for dealing with 'clowns' when they scare the shit out of people is we can hit them in the face with a chair. All agreed?
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When kids clean their rooms and put out all their washing .. clothes That were washed, dried, ironed and folded and put in their rooms that fell on the floor and appeared back in the laundry again unworn. Yours do this too right ?
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I’ve decided I will no longer chase people that won’t do the same for me. After today, that train driver can go fuck himself.
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I don’t think anything scares me more than having to get something out of the back of my garden shed.
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Son said the "houmous" tasted funny. I checked the fridge, it was my homemade face mask. There is nothing teenage boys won't eat
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Do not let the day proceed without first reading this thread. This will change your life *clicks fingers, points down* .. go people, go ..
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are interested in moving between different rooms in your house, I recommend installing "doors". I have been using doors for a few days now and they have been a real game-changer for me
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Raining, cold, dark, windy evening in pjs in front of the fire already and no work tomorrow... couldn't be more content and I have wine
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When you heal from trauma you don’t look any different and many others think you are doing just fine. But inside you hurt so bad you feel like you are drowning and the waves keep coming and you don’t know how you keep your head above it all. But you do and you will
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So pleased same sex marriage is legal. No reason why only heterosexual people should be miserable.
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If you have a mental illness and got out of bed today and fought it, then utter respect to you x
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Apparently it’s ok to have someone far away on your fuck list. But not your boyfriend’s brother. I know this now.
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Aspergers means my boy won't lead an ordinary life, he will lead an extraordinary life and I will be by his side cheering him on.
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3 year old in her dad’s arms in the queue in Starbucks: ‘its been a wong day, I dust want a drink’ and everyone else nodded. She’s ready for her own twitter account.
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