Jonathan Pie
@JonathanPieNews
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Jonathan Pie is a news reporter … WEBSITE: Enquiries to info @JonathanPie .com
London, England
Joined October 2015
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My Heroes & Villains Tour is now available to watch in the comfort of your own home!
See for more details.
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There's not being a fan of the Royals (an understandable position), then there's actively celebrating the death of an elderly woman. The second one makes you a very unsavoury person. She was an icon. Undeniably. And as someone who isn’t a royalist, I for one will mourn her loss.
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Whatever your feelings of Harry and Meghan, I think it’s important to remember that Prince Andrew paid a woman £12 million pounds to stop calling him a nonce.
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The Just Stop Oil protestors have just received longer sentences than this rapist.
A man who raped a terrified young woman in a pub toilet in Scarborough has been jailed for two years and nine months.
Szczepan Malczewski, 38, from Eastfield, was sentenced today at York Crown Court after previously admitting rape and sexual assault ⬇️
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This one might just be my angriest yet: Strikes!
Full version here:
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Bloody immigrants, coming over here, stopping our kids from being stabbed…
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Cameron was bad.
May was awful.
Johnson was appalling.
I think a word has yet to be invented that can fully encapsulate the unmitigated disaster that is Liz Truss.
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Liz Truss: “Once they enter the workplace, the British are among the worst idlers in the world.“
Well she has a point.
#ThickLizzie
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How pissed off do you think Sunak is that he kept his seat?
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When, in grief, and in need of some quiet reflection, I always get a mate to film it too.
I wanted to return to Buckingham Palace today for some quiet reflection and lay my own tribute.
Crowds young, old, from all ethnicities and backgrounds.
Truly the best of British doing her justice.
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Elon Musk reposted a screenshot of a fake Telegraph article (posted by the co-leader of Britain First), to his 193 million followers stating that Keir Starmer is considering setting up detainment camps.
That’s not free speech, it’s being an irresponsible knee-jerking knobhead.
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Who created the largest tax burden in history and crashed the economy trying to cut taxes for the super-rich? you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you
What would go up during a Labour government? Tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax tax
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So Rishi Sunak deems it ‘unreasonable’ for nurses to receive a pay rise, while Winchester College enjoys tax breaks worth £6million and Sunak buys himself a £1.5million sculpture for his garden with taxpayer’s money.
Never forget who the Tories serve: Themselves.
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Boris accuses Keir Starmer of using misleading Cornonavirus statistics.
Keir Starmer responds with: The figures that the Prime Minister says are inadvertently misleading are from the slide at his press conference yesterday.”
Ooof!
#PMQs
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Our new Education Secretary greeting the public.
Her Twitter profile says she's a proud mum and dog lover.
It fails to mention she's also a bit of a cunt.
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So, this absolute weapon suspected a local Travelodge was housing illegal immigrants and he let rip about it in a Tweet, but it turned out it was NHS nurses and their families on holiday. Reform UK, what a Party, eh?
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Rees-Mogg reckons his chums holding wine and cheese parties, and fingering their mistresses in the gazebo while the rest of us weren’t even allowed to say a proper goodbye to dying loved ones, is ‘fundamentally trivial’ and ‘fluff.’
Well he would think that. Cos he’s a cunt.
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Who would have thought that all those times Boris Johnson was being hailed as the worst Prime Minister this country has ever had, Liz Truss was waiting in the wings thinking: “Hold my beer…”
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If Lee Anderson wants ‘workshy freeloaders’ to pick crops instead of ‘sponging off the state’, I hope this cunt has a decent set of gardening gloves.
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We’re down to just two candicates now. Sunak and Truss. Which one will win? I don’t care, they’re both cunts.
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Is anyone close to Sam Smith going to tell him how fucking ridiculous he looks, or do they all secretly hate him? And don’t give me that ‘beauty standards’ bull crap. He looks fucking ridiculous. Or is that the point?
I don’t get it. Jesus Christ I feel old.
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I can’t get enough of this. He’s like a reverse Robin Hood. Taking from the have-nots to give the wealthy more places to sit outside Pret A Manger.
It doesn’t surprise me, it’s just fantastic that he’s just come out and said it.
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So apparently nearly all the FIFTY people Boris is planning giving peerages must sign an agreement that they will always vote the way the government wants them to.
One final act of constitutional vanadlaism before the despot leaves. He should be tried for treason.
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I bought myself a new rapid boil kettle today. It cost me £33. In 3 years, it will have almost paid for itself with the money it saves on electricity. I already feel incredibly relieved at the immeasurably insignificant impact this will have on my £6.5k a year energy bills.
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The unnamed suspect is actually from Wales you dog whistling tit. These EDL far-right thugs are exploiting the deaths of children to push an anti-immigration narrative based on false info circulating online. They do not represent British people. In fact they're racist cunts.
The British are p*ssed off and rightly so. They're told, constantly, that they aren't allowed to complain about migrant violence, that "diversity is our greatest strength," and just earlier today Keir Starmer dismissed the massacre in Southport as "knife crime."
It was a
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What an extraordinarily disingenuous tweet.
Labour had nothing to do with the collapse of Northern Rock. In fact it bailed it out.
Meanwhile Rishi Sunak was a hedge fund manager at TCI which caused the collapse of RBS roughly a year later.
Face to face banking last time Labour were in charge.
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You can’t be in opposition for 14 years, criticising the Tories for accepting ‘gifts’, and certain privileges, then act surprised when the public call you out for doing the same thing.
From Angela Rayner’s ‘But everybody does it’ excuse, to Starmer saying ‘It was the right thing
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It's also never too early to teach her basic English. Like the difference between to, two and too.
I’m going to take half of Chloe’s candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It’s never to early to teach her about socialism.
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So from July 4th, you can’t hug your gran but you *can* go on Nemesis with her at Alton Towers. Seems sensible.
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My summary of recent events: DOG SHIT.
Full video here:
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So this week I've managed to piss off The Times, The Telegraph, The Express, The Spectator and (the holy grail) The Mail.
Off for a well deserved wank!
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I’m not one to mince words at the best of times, but well, brace yourself for my take on Suella Braverman.
Full version here:
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For anyone asking - every recent rail strike has completely fucked my day up from start to fucking finish with just a little added sprinkle of fuck-up on top.
And yet I wholeheartedly support these rail strikes!
#rmtstrike
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It appears that a number of accounts reported me for using bad language on here. What a bunch of fannies.
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Less than 5 months ago, Keir Starmer felt ‘disgusted’ by the idea of pensioners not being able to heat their homes. What a difference an election makes.
My Labour Party will always be on the side of pensioners let down by the Tories.
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Oh My God This Is The Best Thing I Have Ever Seen.
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Imagine using the senseless slaughter of children as an excuse to go and have a fight, throw bricks at a mosque and set light to people’s cars. I hope these cunts get several years behind bars.
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I mean, call me ‘Mr Pernickety’, but sitting here shivering, promising myself I’ll stick the radiators on for half an hour as a bit of a treat once I can no longer feel my toes doesn’t much feel like ‘levelling up’ to me.
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Morning
@MattHancock
. Just wondering if you’ve resigned yet? Oh I’m sorry, of course you haven’t… that would require a certain amount of integrity. My mistake.
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I’ve seen a couple of articles describing how horrible Prince Andrew’s birthday will be for him this year, and I couldn’t give less of a shit. Even if I subscribed to a 6-week online course specifically designed to teach me how to give less of a shit, it wouldn’t be possible.
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You literally voted in favour of this happening!
I am appalled by the latest sewage discharges into bathing waters in the local area, and Southern Water must be held to account for this threat to both public health and marine life. (1/2)
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£4.9 billion profits, up 40%, when your nan daren’t leave her immersion heater on. There is something unfathomably wrong with this. But hey, don’t pay attention to these cowboys, look at the boat people instead.
Breaking: Energy supplier E.ON has announced profits of £4.9 billion for the first half of the year.
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Oh, now this is scarily spot on.
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Looking back on 14 years of the Tories is like looking back at the traumatising post-vindaloo shit you just did in the toilet.
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I imagine Kamala Harris would describe Nigel Farage as: “Who the fuck is he?”
🚨 NEW: Nigel Farage describes Kamala Harris as a "black African woman" and says Donald Trump would be "delighted" to have her as his opponent
Kamala Harris is not African - her parents are Indian and Jamaican
[
@LBC
]
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Now pretend that was from your last tenner, the leccy bill is due at the end of the month, and you can't afford to eat well today because some smug cunt bought up all the stuff that was on clearance last night in order to post a staggeringly ignorant tweet about how idle you are.
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Well, this one seems to be popular!
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Protests? Asking questions? They’re throwing bricks mate. They’re looting shops and setting light to cars and beating up coppers. If this was eco-crusties throwing piss at a painting you’d be calling for them to throw away the key.
What did you expect? Britain's protests reflect DECADES of elite failure
Now the elite political & media class are so terrified, they are trying to silence, smear and label anyone who asks questions or challenges the narrative
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Pipe down, fridge boy.
Vote to get Brexit done and unleash Britain’s potential. Vote Conservative.
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Who would have guessed all that clapping during lockdown meant fuck all.
BREAKING: High Court rules that strike action planned by the Royal College of Nursing on 2 May is unlawful.
📺 Sky 501, Virgin 602, Freeview 233 and YouTube
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Liam Neeson in a heartfelt interview stated that an emotional trauma made him feel unjustly prejudiced against black people, but he came to his senses, realised his gross error of judgement, and learned from it.
Social Media: Get the pitchforks, guys! Liam Neeson is a racist!
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Wait, is the Frankie Boyle who’s now having a pop at Ricky Gervais for telling ‘problematic’ jokes, the same Frankie Boyle who established his career by telling jokes about a severely disabled child? Because if it is, several million hypocrisy meters have just melted.
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So let me get this straight, Jeremy Hunt is threatening to take medication away from unemployed people who are already finding it difficult to find work most likely due to the health issues they need medication for?
Yep, makes perfect sense. If you’re an emotionless simpleton.
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Stay away from home.
Cheat on your wives.
Fuck the NHS.
These new lockdown rules are confusing.
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You can fuck right off if you think I'm doing this sober.
Opinion: Let’s try “Dry Covid” – lockdown is the time to kick our national alcohol habit for good
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We need to stop taking potshots at Therese Coffey’s appearence, and instead just remember that she’s an appalling human being.
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This appears to have caused a lot of outrage, but I will make this absolutely clear: I will NOT retract my Scotch egg comment. I stand by it 100%.
“Seriously I can just come out and say it? Call him a liar?” asks
@JonathanPieNews
, a fictional broadcast reporter created and performed by comedian Tom Walker, in a satirical video about Britain’s Prime Minister.
“God bless America.”
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We all knew what the Tories’ endgame was for the NHS. It’s not like they’ve ever put any effort into hiding it.
#NHSPrivatisation
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When you’ve been owned so hard you have to make a video about how you weren’t actually owned.
Thank you for confirming via your email address that you have a small penis
@GretaThunberg
The world was curious.
And I do agree you should get a life ❤️
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Now that the Gary Lineker distraction is over, we can all get back to focusing on how the Tories are fucking everything up.
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“People are not 3 times sicker than they were a decade ago” says the man whose party has systematically destroyed the NHS over the past decade or so.
'If you're feeling depressed...It doesn't mean that we should assume you can't work.'
PM Rishi Sunak outlines his five key welfare reforms.
'The first is that we should be more ambitious in assessing people's potential for work'
📺 Sky 501 and YouTube
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When you’ve just plunged millions of people further into poverty but you remember that the plans for a tennis court and swimming pool on your grade II listed property have recently been approved.
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I’m hearing he’s been arrested for being an illegal immigrant. Is this true? Because if it is, the Lord of Irony will be spaffing himself into a mummified husk right now.
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These guys rocked up to a vigil for murdered children with a crate of beer. True patriots.
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I made a cup of tea earlier, but then tripped over the kitchen mat and spilled it all over the floor. Still, I got the big calls right by getting the tea bag and boiling water into the cup in the first place. So I’d call it a successful endeavour. If I was a Tory wanker.
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Liz Truss thinks people should be able to keep hold of their own money. They don't have any money Liz. That's the point!
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Just a reminder that in amongst the fuss surrounding the BBC scandal, Boris Johnson’s emails and WhatsApp messages are due to be handed over to the Covid inquiry by 4pm today.
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So Guru-Murthy, off air, referred to someone as a cunt.
Why the fuck has he been suspended?
Genuine question.
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Ann Widdecombe says that ’families don’t want to see same-sex couples’ on Strictly Come Dancing. But honestly, did any of us ever ask to see this? I think not.
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Boris has resigned, but he’s still there… aimlessly drifting around 10 Downing Street like a fart from yesterday’s vindaloo.
Full video here:
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I approve of this form of protest.
Liz Truss is on a pro-Trump speaking tour. So we dropped a strategically-positioned remote-controlled lettuce banner 🥬
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This image really gives you a sense that they understand the struggles of the average UK citizen doesn’t it?
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Step 1: Make people homeless.
Step 2: Take away their tents.
The Conservatives, everyone.
🚨NEW. Suella Braverman pushes to restrict tents for rough sleepers, and proposes making it a civil office for charities to give tents to homeless via
@FT
with
@LOS_Fisher
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Occasionally, just when I think the world cannot get any more fucking ridiculous, I see something like this and realise just how wrong I was.
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Yes, well I would like to take this opportunity to tell The Bank of England’s Chief Economist to fuck off.
BREAKING 🚨| The Bank of England's Chief Economist has told Britons to accept being POORER - and to stop seeking pay raises.
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Just waiting for Dan Wootton to demand that Dan Wootton be suspended from GB News following what appears to be far worse allegations than any of the people he has demanded suspensions of over the past few years.
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Boris Johnson is a liar. He lies. Then he lies about lying. Then he denies it and he lies again. He couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it.
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A ‘brief error of judgement’? Wouldn’t it be called ‘breaking the law’ for the rest of us?
No 10 admits 'brief error of judgement' after PM caught on video not wearing a seatbelt
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I’d rather have people in government from working class backgrounds who achieved those places based on merit and hard work, than a bunch of privileged wankers whose parents paid for their opportunities.
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If Boris Johnson shat the bed, he’d applaud himself for not getting any on his pillow
#PMQs
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Fuck me. So If you’re white and you think Will Smith is a cock for punching someone then you’re anti black.
Fuck off the Guardian, you socially-regressive, race-baiting rag.
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Dido Harding, who‘s heading the new health body, is married Tory MP John Penrose, who sits on the advisory board of think tank 1828. Their manifesto recommends replacing the NHS with an insurance system.
I keep saying it: The NHS isn’t safe under the Tories.
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When you look at some of the responses to Danny Baker's heartfelt explanation and apology, you realise that being genuinely sorry for fucking up is just not enough for some people. It makes you wonder what they actually want, and have they never made mistakes themselves?
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