Hannah Pilkes
@HannahPilkes
Followers
8K
Following
2K
Media
209
Statuses
2K
comedian and part muppet
United States
Joined June 2013
Throwback to the most passive aggressive landlord I’ve ever had🥲
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I live in NYC now so I’d just like to publicly announce, I am an incredibly sweaty person, I’ve just been able to conceal it in the comfort of a car… until today. Buckle up!!!’.
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Because no one one works it like this gem does in 108 degree desert heat #bonquiquitour @AlxJames10
http://t.co/1blQKhG33g.
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I’m so glad you guys like my woman on the verge character. can you tell that my therapy is sliding scale?.
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Woman In Hotel Hot Tub That’s Dying For You To Ask Her About Herself
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Chainsmoking Girl On The Porch you wish you hadn’t started talking to.
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@ThomasSanders You are an amazing human being. Going through ur Twitter feed with tears in my eyes. Such a glowing example for us all 🙌🏽🙏☺️.
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@megstalter I’m truly obsessed with you this is the highest honor *shaking hands wipe tears* 😭.
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Very much still learning how to improve my diet, & make more ethical choices, but proud to support @MercyForAnimals
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What my parents need to remember is, even when I’m not working really hard, I’m working really hard mentally to punish myself for not working really hard. Ultimately that deserves a bonus.
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She’s holding the baby’s hand like they’re not on speaking terms but still have to pose for a photo. Just a haunted way to hold this baby’s hand.
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One time when I was 17 I took acid and walked with an imaginary cane the entire night. My friends had to wait patiently while I limped behind them.
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My vibrator went off in the tsa line as security checked my carry on. It was the most alive I’ve felt in years.
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I wasn’t raised with money, and still have very little, so I feel like I never developed taste. Oh that’s a free table? Yes I’ll take it.
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Me preparing to look “happy “ and “together” for my BFF’s birthday zoom 😩
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Now THAT's a nice crop top. Get it? Get it?! Ok I'll see myself out.
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Ultimately learning how to ski in a nutshell. (me having a mental breakdown on top of a mountain)
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If someone tried to sell you a PS5 my account got hacked. Im a strictly super Mario donkey Kong circa 1992 kinda gal. Happy new year to everyone except my 14 year old hacker to which I say, buzz off, stinkbug.
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The photos from that trip you took that you’ll quite literally never look at again
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Wait this was TODAY’s headline? Am I in Groundhog Day? Is it 2020? Did Tom Hanks just get it?
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GUYS FML is out! So grateful to be apart of this project. @jasonnash @BJCalvillo kill it. You're gonna ❤️ it! 🙌🏽.
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Love remembering that I was gonna do “Dry January” on January 3rd as I polish off this bottle of Cab Sav by myself.
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My ex just got married and all I can think about is how when we broke up he invoiced me for money I owed him. Yes. Yes he was a lawyer.
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Just here to tell you I turned 30 and still don’t know what the f*ck I’m doing on my taxes. Hope the IRS doesn’t audit me a year from now and cite this tweet with 8 likes as the primary reason.
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Seeing how many flies I can catch in my mouth. I always wanted to be a Venus fly trap when I grew up.
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Nothing more thrilling than waiting to see if you’ll have an open seat next to you on a plane. Waiting on bated breath as passengers board, look at their crinkled ticket, pause, then pass you. Doesn’t even matter if the flight is 42 mins. NOTHING more luxurious than elbow room.
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What’s the Donald J. Trump library going to be full of? Porn?.
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It’s always the people I haven’t spoken to an six years that text me “Merry Christmas”.
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@realDonaldTrump Award? What supremely bizarre/ inappropriate wording. This isn't a game show, it's devastating tragedy, preventable with proper legislation.
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Every night before bed I replace my full untouched glass of water with another full glass of water that I won’t touch.
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When someone says, "I'm taking a picture!" . But you know your makeup game is NOT on point #doomed
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I'm raising awareness for fools like myself that have no idea how to pose. We're a tragic breed http://t.co/zTHydWL3uX.
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Why are all my tik tok comments from 11 year olds— “YOU LITERALLY SENT ME INTO ORBIT?!?!?!” Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Like did you have proper space gear?.
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Sorry Not Sorry premieres TODAY. Click this link to watch Episode 1!! You're gonna love it, I pinky promise.
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Takes 1 artistic photo ->quits job-> mails 2 Microsoft as Screensaver->is returned unopened a week later->begs for old job back->eats hoagie
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When you've been sneezing for 30 minutes straight and the people you're with continue to feel obligated to say bless you every time 😂.
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I almost quit therapy today but it turns out it was just nice outside.
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I hope even vaccinated guys continue to wash their hands after they use them to pee. .
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