Donovan Woods
@DonovanWoods
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'Things Were Never Good If They're Not Good Now'. Out now, out forever.
While I’ve always aimed for rigorous honesty in my songwriting, this time I got to push off from the actual bottom of myself. I hope you find the songs useful.
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I’m a Pfizer guy but I’ll take Johnson & Johnson’s. I’ll also take a no-name brand injected into my eyeball out of the back of a van in a Home Depot parking lot I don’t give a shit let’s go.
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I’m in Sweden so almost no one wants to discuss the Drake/Pusha-T beef. They just want to ride bikes, have good posture, eat well, be sexy, have great hair, make great pop music, support public transit, live well, smile, laugh, and start families, can you believe that shit?
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I’m sick of this “the rest of Ontario hates Toronto” garbage. Put on your own production of Les Misérables then. Let’s see how good that shit is.
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Once a year I rank the Great Lakes to upset people, so here we go:
5. Erie (by a lot)
4. Ontario
3. Michigan
2. Superior
1. Huron
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My favourite vaccinated complainers are the people who are like, “I wasn’t able to sleep on my arm for three nights.” I haven’t hugged my mom in a year, baby, sleep on the other fuckin arm.
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The pride-themed jerseys just mean that gay kids shouldn’t be afraid to play hockey, James. Your actions say the opposite. But hey, if there’s something in the bible about gay people playing hockey, shoot me the verse number.
Former Maple Leafs goalie James Reimer has declined to wear Pride-themed jerseys ahead of tonight's San Jose game against New York, saying it runs counter to his religious beliefs.
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Andrea Horwath:
• Bachelor of Arts - Labour Studies
• City Councillor for three terms
• 14 Years in Provincial Politics
Doug Ford Jr.
• A job he was given by his father
• City Councillor for one term
Who’s the radical choice?
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Thinking of all the musicians having to cancel shows they worked so hard to plan and execute safely. Hang in there. We need you, we need you. We’ll wait.
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To the guy walking by who said, “I like your music” in Forest Hill this morning: sorry I didn’t say thanks. My brain thought you meant that you could hear my kids’ music playing in our car and then I worried our music was too loud. And then later I remembered that I’m a musician.
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The hardest part of homeschooling is pretending that I even slightly give a fuck about whether they do it or not. There’s a pandemic.
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I like country music because I like to kick back and listen to a guy with 3 houses teach me how to appreciate the simple things.
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I would rather be pushed out of a moving vehicle than receive a text that says, “Call me when you get a second.”
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Rearranging my week around the strike days, and I know it can be tough, but I think we need to support and respect our teachers’ job action and trust the process. They’re not walking out, they’re standing up for public education.
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Every time I post anything about police racism the same lady DMs me and says “you just lost a fan”. Ok lady, go.
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Guys with those on-purpose loud mufflers, why are you doing this? What do you want from us to stop?
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I’m telling you, a lane with a regular person in it during the swimming events, so we can appreciate the speed.
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Every year I rank The Great Lakes. Here is the 2022 ranking:
1. Huron
2. Superior
3. Michigan
4. Ontario
5. Erie
No movement this year. See you next year.
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Just saw a grandma wearing a gas mask kick a crosswalk button. 2020 is real as fuck.
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The NHL has lost me. Not sure what their vision is here. League for dumb guys? And I’m from Sarnia. AND I owned all the Rock Em Sock Ems and kept them all lined up on a dedicated shelf in my basement. It ain’t easy to lose me.
The NHL clarified today that there is a league wide ban on Pride Tape by any player in games, warm-ups, or practices.
It's 2023 and there's now a new "Don't Say Gay" set of rules issued by a major international sports league.
I literally cannot.
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Can’t tell you how excited I am that it’s actually illegal for me to have a birthday party. Fuckin finally
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People don’t have enough backyard BBQs in Canada. Slaw, dogs, little fire after dark. The Yamaha comes out. I play, “Wheat Kings”, some guy plays, “Ahead by a Century.” He’s not as good as me but that’s not fair, I’m a professional. I say, “That was great, man,” I’m a good guy.
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Good thing I put the windshield wipers up. Could’ve been a real ordeal otherwise.
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Peter Gabriel was 36 when “So” came out. Paul Simon was 45 when “Graceland” came out. Annie Lennox was 38 when “Walking on Broken Glass” came out. Just writing this out for myself mostly.
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My 4 year old’s very sharp review of The Beach Boys, “This guy let too many of his friends sing with him.”
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I understand it’s meant as a compliment, but instead of saying “Why aren’t you more famous?” to someone whose work you admire, think about saying, “I like what you do.” Fame is not a great measurement of anything anymore.
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There’s a guy on my street who puts a tarp over his whole car every time he gets home, which seems weird but we do that with barbecues and they’re $300.
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If you ain’t making up a song called “Clothing Time” to the melody of “Closing Time” while dressing your kids, were you really ready to be a dad?
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At what point are the truckers considered an encampment of unhoused people? That'll make the cops perk up.
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I’ve arranged to donate the performance fees from both my upcoming Saskatchewan shows to the fund for the Humboldt Broncos. Spare whatever you can, long road yet.
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You gotta chat with your neighbours because if you get wrongly accused of murder you don’t want them saying “he kept to himself” on the news.
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Remember the kids who coloured with pencil crayons by doing a hard outline with a soft shaded interior? They should do a study that follows those kids into adulthood.
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This is my annual reminder to you that I wrote and recorded all my songs specifically for walking in fall weather.
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I’m sick of filling out that Canada Customs form on planes. It’s 2018, just steal the information from my phone, I’m trying to watch a rom com.
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Soon as this whole virus shit popped off I was like geez I hope Mark’s Work Wearhouse reaches out via email in regards to where they’re at prep-wise.
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All respect and appreciation on this day to our indigenous hosts for whom this day of celebration must feel like a day of mourning the grim realities of colonialism. Long road to truth and reconciliation yet. Support the process.
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I agree, this witch-hunt rules.
The Greatest Witch Hunt in the history of our Country!
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Just dropped my girl off for her first day of kindergarten so I’m lightly crying in a Canadian Tire (Yeah, that’s where I go to cry, pal) and thinking about how wonderful her teachers are. All my appreciation to teachers everyday.
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Just paid $30,000+ in tour expenses (that’s not all of it) and I don’t have a label giving me tour support so that’s all on Donny Woo baby. Please consider wearing a mask to my shows coming up so we can complete the tour. Xoxo.
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I have returned from my controversial vacation (LCBO & SHOPPERS DRUG MART).
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Sitting 11 feet from Gavin Rossdale, should I tell him that “Glycerine” was the first song I ever learned to play and sing at the same time and that I got to make out with girls at United Church camp because of it?
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I like to buy ethical & organic food for my kids because it makes me feel good to know where it came from while I’m trying to get them to fuckin eat it and then they don’t eat it and then I eat it angrily while standing alone at the sink. Feels good.
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Just burnt two slices of gluten free toast for a net loss of $14.
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If we could somehow harness the power of how much we don’t give a fuck, we could move on from coal.
TOMORROW:
@KimKardashian
West joins us from Los Angeles to discuss how her family is managing while social distancing.
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What happened to the relationship between the Toblerone corporation and Swiss Chalet Canada Inc. and can we not work it the fuck out?
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I made the mistake of looking at the price of a lovely house for sale in beautiful St. John’s, Newfoundland.
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My girlfriend in university had an abortion. Nobody felt good about it but it was the right choice. We were 20, still in school, she’s married to a woman now. It’s a woman’s right to choose in any circumstance for any reason.
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I’m here as a professional songwriter to tell you the new Justin Bieber song “Holy” is an extraordinarily good song. If I wrote that song I would buy myself a freestyle BMX, a drone, and a San Jose Sharks jersey (Doug Wilson).
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You people posting the covers of 10 records that influenced you on Facebook, what’s with the “no explanation” part? That’s literally the only thing that could make that shit interesting.
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I love Canada because I feel I’m part of it. Many people don’t feel that way, and for good reasons, so we gotta work toward making everyone feel respected, free and safe. That’s what Canada is supposed to be and that’s why I’ll sing songs about it until I am old and embarassing.
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Almost feels like no one at this LA Fitness knows I’m probably the guy who’s won the most Junos in here.
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Almost feels like no one at this Chapters Indigo has any clue that a man who tied for a Canadian Country Music Award not even four days ago is here, among them.
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Go read the replies on any article about the Cleveland Indians changing their racist team name to learn a lot about why it’s important to change racist team names.
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I wish I was one of those guys who likes to argue about whether a hotdog is a sandwich. I bet the day just fuckin sails by.
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Woke up yesterday morning with a very deep urge to sing “Patio Lanterns” by Kim Mitchell. I learned it and then cried while playing it. Not sure what I’m feeling here but men have cycles too.
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Are y'all done pretending Coldplay is lame yet? They've been dope the whole time. This is a safe space.
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Going back in my timeline to delete controversial tweets in case they ever ask me to host the Gemini Awards.
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My fave conservative dude: “Nobody helped me, I had to work hard, I never asked the government for anything, I worked two jobs, and I want it to stay just like that, hard and bad, no help for anyone, no improvements, just awful and shitty forever.”
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My perfect Toronto day: pack all my things, move to North Bay, teach guitar lessons under the name Bryan Daugherty, get into birding, volunteer as an usher at the community theatre, carefully vacuum the aisles after each show, live quietly until I die of natural causes.
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Pretty sure my high school guidance councillor never mentioned the job of Chocolatier to me even fuckin once.
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When kids cry about having to take a nap it’s offensive. I would rip my arm off and throw it out of a helicopter to take a nap.
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Just my annual reminder that I made all my songs for walking in autumn. That’s the only thing they’re for.
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My son told his class that his dad’s a musician and apparently some kid said, “Well my uncle is the bass player in Triumph,” and I was like, “Big whoop,” but honestly I’m still pretty rattled.
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When people give you the, “Oh, you’re a musician, maybe I’ll check you out, where’s your next gig?” I really recommend saying Massey Hall because the shift in their tone will thrill you.
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Once a doctor said to me, “The recovery time is two weeks, and you can’t speak or sing but it’s not like you’re a professional singer,” and then we both sat and laughed about how I for sure wasn’t a professional singer, and then I said, “Imagine I was!” and we laughed even more.
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Golf courses and marinas are open. Now we just gotta get polo fields and the Burberry store open and things will be back to normal for Dukes and lesser nobility.
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Today’s the 6 year anniversary of the time a guy in Hamilton refused to pay me for a show. But now he’s out of business and I have my own room at a Sandman Signature Suites so dream your dreams, dreamers!
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Anti-vaccine folks, you don’t have to get vaccinated. You won’t get to do some things for awhile but they’ll let you eventually. Because someone* did all the work for you. We don’t like wearing masks. We don’t like getting innoculations. How about a thank-you rally?
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Dudes driving too fast, endangering everyone, when will you learn that the only true flex is never being in a hurry?
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This is old but another thing I love about it is that you can tell from his friends’ body language that he is the funniest guy they’ve got and they know he’s about to take some big swings. And he delivers. A hero.
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I just had a Beyond Meat burger and it was delicious and we’re gonna do it, we’re gonna heal the earth, fuck these old men.
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I don’t remember my parents bringing a water bottle for everyone on every car ride but here I am, baby, filling up the water bottles.
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My parenting goals are simple: raise kids who would never camp-out to buy an iPhone.
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People who “had kids too early” are going on rad medium-difficulty hikes with their cool early-twenties kids, just FYI.
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Guy at the grocery store said, “Since I see you around the neighbourhood so much, I thought I’d check out your music and you know what? It’s not bad.” Wow, now I’m self-isolating up here on cloud 9.
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Torontonians, still in the grips of a pandemic, unable to resist the sweet temptation of dining out on a rickety table literally on the fucking road.
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The free hand sanitizer at this gas station smells like a pair of Birkenstocks in a loblaws bag in a rubbermade container that also contains damp books in a storage locker in Guelph, ON.
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I dream of moving out of Toronto but I’d miss the amazing big-city benefits: spending all my money on a house I hate, dying from a virus I got at an indie brewery and museums.
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I rhyme 'falling' with 'fallen' on the new record and that's the type of shit you can get away with when you're a one-time Canadian Country Music Award winner (tie).
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Every year I rank The Great Lakes.
Here is the 2023 ranking:
1. Huron
2. Superior
3. Ontario
4. Michigan
5. Erie
Some movement this year.
See you next year.
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I started with a new therapist yesterday. My challenges are coping with stress and anger. I decided to start again because I saw this meme.
#MentalHealth
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Glad this girl brought her bluetooth speaker to the beach because we were all dying to hear Moves Like Jagger one more time.
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The “other side” rioted because cops are murdering people. These fucks are doing this because their favourite celebrity lost an election. Don’t conflate the two. Tell me when this goofy shit is over.
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We get it, Liberals, ethics and all that, for sure, but if you guys don’t rally together a bit, this Boston Pizza manager may seize power.
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The album of the year is a country album. Country radio didn’t play it, and it became a cultural phenomenon anyway. Might’ve been a good opportunity to attract some new fans to the genre but, you know, let’s face it, the good ol’ boys club ain’t looking for new members.
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The organic goat milk my daughter likes now costs $9.49. A goat is like 28 bucks.
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Feeling very sad about the bus accident in Saskatchewan today. I’m thinking about those beautiful kids, their parents and all the hard work they did to raise them - it’s almost too much to bear. When it’s time to help, let’s do what we can.
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Just a timely reminder that I recorded all my songs specifically for walking in autumn, thanks.
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Somebody better have a sign at the Raptors game that says, “BUT I NEED THESE BASKETS BACK...”
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Tough day for my haters as I am half-vaxxed. Sleep soundly, one source of moderately-popular folk-rock is safe.
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Sure, I say parking lot too much in songs but look around folks, they’re all over the fuckin place.
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When I was a kid my dad used to call me up from the basement by wordlessly flicking the light on and off. I’d say, “What?” and he’d just flick it faster, I hated it. Anyway, now I do that to my kids and they hate it too but I do it anyway.
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Portland, Maine is certified gold in Canada - thank you for that. Normally a record label gets these for you but since I’m my own label I had to buy it and present it to myself. Was just as special.
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The band asked for granola bars on the rider now that I’m a Juno winner and the answer is no! Too extravagant! We got here without granola bars!
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My 3 year old insisted on hearing Taylor Swift’s “Delicate” after daycare and I’d kind of given up on that record but she’s right man, that shit bops.
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This is my weather. I am in a cardigan. I spin like a Disney princess in the street. You cannot take my joy.
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