Miranda :3
@cryingatmass
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last summer i broke up with someone through text and his response was “I’m going to email your boss and show her screenshots of you saying the n word”
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What the hell is going on with truck drivers bro?? Now they drive like fucking retards too??
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I have to spend 4 days with my sister and her fat immigrant husband at the end of the month
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I am not watching The Bear. I am not watching Suits. Not watching You. If you held a gun to my head and said “watch 10 minutes of Euphoria” tell my mom I love her
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How do you take the most kick ass song of all time (the star spangled banner) and butcher it that bad. We gotta tar & feather that broad
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today is my beautiful mommy’s birthday. everyone say Thank you!!!
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Just ran over a curb… truly humiliating shit. I will kill myself in front of everyone if that happens again
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@fullautoslurs
I dared him to do it, gave him her email address and everything but idk if he ever did 😭
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smoked weed for the first time in over a year and all I thought was “damn, dude… damn…..” over and over
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second interview in person today at boutique firm that pays extremely well……
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Being a woman is so unserious. I’m walking around mad as hell can’t even remember what happened or why. I know something happened though
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it’s easy to hate California. But do you have the courage to love California
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No im not that hungry. I just ate. Yeah I’ll go to the restaurant with you though. But I’m not that hungry though. I’ll get something small. I’ll get 3 tacos with rice and beans on the side. Maybe even some chips. Something small like that
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quit my job and moving north in a week with 2 suitcases of clothes and less than $1,000. Also taking with me a very angry heart. Most Miranda coded shit I’ve ever done. Whatever. I’m going to figure it out
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Many people on Twitter are nice to me. But some are not. And the ones that are not… I hope God heals your fucked up minds!!
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witnessed a man headbutt his brother so hard in the face his nose started gushing blood all over the driveway. Like pouring out blood everywhere. Now they’re homies laughing in the garage. brotherhood is fascinating…
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Fat girls in the gym are usually the ones wearing very short shorts and sports bras or crop tops. The skinny/fit girls are usually in leggings and a big t shirt or something comfortable like that. I’m not exactly hating nor being nice, but a secret third thing (noticing)
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At an interview sitting in a chair where my feet don’t touch the ground. “Please hire me! Please!” cried the mouse
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Watching trailer park boys. love this show. Just a bunch of wiggers doing whatever
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This one. Michal looked out the window and thought “King David is a f*ggot”
The Bible is a serious book. But it does have some funny moments in there, you gotta admit. What moment in the Bible do you find funny or makes you laugh?
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You are fucking gay you are the “right’s” Destiny
Raw milk is disgusting. We live in a first world civilized society and people are actively choosing to consume milk riddled with E. coli and listeria. Pasteurization is not some evil sorcery. It just kills the dangerous bacteria you morons.
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Amy Winehouse and I would’ve been great friends. We would’ve been two crazy broads smoking a cig telling each other “exactlyyyyyy….”
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Met a woman who is my size and build at the gym who told me she deadlifted 300… little scary ahh broad
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Don’t come to my lagoon pouring big cups of … idk. Nvm Just don’t come to my lagoon
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Hate hearing about “lactose intolerance” oh sorry you deal with that, princess. With your baby stomach
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believing in ghosts is kinda already gay now imagine going ghost HUNTING
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I moved 700 miles away to never see these people again. Why do they have to come here
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@fullautoslurs
I dared him to do it, gave him her email address and everything but idk if he ever did 😭
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My sister is such a psycho & dumb weird useless bitch and her husband is a soy manlet f*ggot. Fucking hate these freaks fr. Both should be deported.
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when I went to jail in November 2016 for being drunk and aggressive they told me my release time was 3 am but it was daylight savings and the clock went back 1 hour and I had to be in there for 1 more hour
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Women (me) be like “Minnesota ain’t ready for me!!” Like Minnesota never had a b*tch walk around outside saying “Woww look at the trees 🫵🏼😊”
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Rocking chairs are the best chairs…… not talked about enough. Hanging chairs are a close second. Hammocks rule. Bar stools (the worst chair) are on notice
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Sitting near the water staring up at the moon and this duck is floating near me and staring up at the moon too. All creatures of our God and King……
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What’s up with the trans and not watching a single makeup tutorial ever. They’re all so bad at makeup
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Islam contributes nothing beautiful or true to the world. Their religion, languages, faces, food, and culture are all ugly and scary and weird
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I have 8 people that share their location with me (5 family, 2 friends, 1 handsome man). I enjoy looking at the Find My app every morning and monitoring the situation. I like knowing where everyone is
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you are such a fucking f*ggot, dude, holy shit
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I tweet about my mom a lot. I love her more than anything in the world
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Cousin is not back with the jet ski and the sun goes down in one (1) hour
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What the hell is this brah. This looks like an SUV I would see in a dream. Uncanny valley ass vehicle
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[trying really hard to get a depressed 82 y/o woman to feel better] do you want to go for a 30 minute drive in silence? Get some ice cream? Walk around Trader Joe’s?
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drunk people love scream-requesting food…… I’ll bake the blueberry muffins when you chill the FRIG out!!!
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My favorite woman moment is storming out of the house at night and then coming back 10 mins later bc I am scared of the dark >:3
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Randomly thought about 1st year I was in public school, after being homeschooled for years, and was being aggressively cyberbullied online by a girl I went to school with. My mom got so fed up she ripped the computer monitor out of the wall & threw it off a second story balcony
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May 2022 was kind of wild (the roe v wade thing happened) you had adult men on here saying they were going to neuter themselves so they could bang tinder dates consequence free (trying to frame it like they were wholesome pro choice guys but let’s be real lol)
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God: “… let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”
Us: okay thanks!!!! 🐊💥🧹🏃😈
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Wild horses love shitting in neighborhoods. Like they’re really passionate about it
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listening to Tigers Jaw staring out the window at the trees and the water
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God went off when he made family…..friendship a close second
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This is basically what that Dan Schneider documentary was like, outside of Drake Bell’s testimony
documentaries have become so bad after metoo. millennials talking like rape victims, breathlessly describing their trauma, shots of them staring off into the distance suggesting the long road to recovery, and you wait for the bombshell: someone sent an "inappropriate text."
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“There’s some oat milk right there if you want more carbs but you called me a homo for drinking that. remember?” - a beautiful family member whom i love
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I love to see clouds move fast. I imagine angels up there dancing 🕺🏻💃🕺🏻💃🕺🏻
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I bought a bald eagle stuffed animal from Barnes & Noble and he has a little stain on his face. I like to buy the stuffed animals that are a little bit fucked up. “You may be damaged but I’ll love you!!” is my train of thought
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saw a Siberian husky that had one blue eye and one brown eye. I was just staring at the critter… quite beautiful. God is not a careless artist!!
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I’m fucking out of here man!!!!!!!!*paddle boards into the moonlight*
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Bigfoot lore/media is always so interesting to me bc let’s just say we do find him. Someone fr gets crystal clear footage of him. What then? What are we going to do? How would he contribute to my Christian autocracy
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They should invent a male zoomer lawyer that is handsome and jacked
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Libs love saying shit like “I love Kamala! Lol you could have a margarita with her 😂” who the hell cares. You can have a drink with anyone. I want a president I can chain smoke natural American spirit (light blue) with
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That’s a really gay perspective
@cryingatmass
Same as PDA, performative coping. Real love doesn’t have to qualify itself to strangers.
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Driving home on the freeway and it’s hella windy and this big ass tarp got stuck to my car and covered the windshield I COULDN’T SEE 😭😭😭 scariest sh*t EVAH! thank u Lord :3
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Stayed up til 4 am watching some Rumble documentary about the Vegas shooting. Deprived myself of sleep just to come to the conclusion: “weird night man… weird night in Nevada…”
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Whenever I see a snake I go “aww he’s kinda cute” and then think about how truly funny it is God’s sentence on the snake was to be a weird looking fucked up creature with no feet forever. I wonder what the snake looked like before
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@fullautoslurs
They do!!!! In Nevada they issue them “Driver’s Authorization Cards”. I’m almost positive there’s something similar in other states. Deal with them all the time at work. They cause the accidents and then retain lawyers for insurance money lmao
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having a terrible morning so I bought iced coffee as a treat and now im just having a terrible morning but with a tummy ache
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Got a day pass to try out this gym and they’re playing Knocked Loose. Sign me up for the rest of my life and the afterlife also
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I know you would love me if I was a worm. But are you strong enough to hate me if I was a worm
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“Flights within the US shouldn’t be more than $250” no. They should be. You should need money to travel. Make travel normal again
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my Toyota RAV4 is a very deep and sentimental facet of my life. Cried out to the Lord many times in that beast
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Thinkin abt when I worked w ALL women (cocktail waitresses) & women fresh off the boob job were so annoying to be around. “I’m in so much pain!!” “I can’t do that rn” “I just had surgery!” girl idgaf! U better get on the floor & sell some DRANKS I know u financing that boob job!!
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If I had a truck I would put a big American flag waving on the back of it. Trying to figure out what I would use for a second flag. Maybe another American flag
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“Pedo” has fallen under the category of useless overused terms imo. Hearing “pedo” online is like hearing “racist” “hitler” “fascist”. Means nothing anymore
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I think it’s time to start being honest about how bad American Horror Story sucked
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im like one more ankle bite away from shooting this dog in the face
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it’s a good thing i don’t date because I eat like a fat fucking hungry hog sometimes
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