Alice Levine
@Alicelevine
Followers
126K
Following
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Media
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Your British Scandals, your My Dad Wrote A Pornos, your Crossed Wires, your documentaries. Work stuff: [email protected]
Joined January 2009
Was Truss even in the flat at No.10 long enough for BT Broadband to give her an appointment to connect the internet? PM on a dongle, it’s no life.
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I don’t usually rate horror films but the one being advertised at the moment is chilling. They think the guy is dead, they search the house and he’s gone, but then he comes back to life and when they turn back around, there he is, standing in the leadership race.
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When a film uses a real picture of the actor when they were younger, I always think about them calling up their mum to ask them to go into the attic, get out the box of albums, find a photo of when they’re on a merry-go-round or holding a doll or whatever, scan it and email it.
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Don’t F*ck With Cats on Netflix is quite upsetting to watch - mainly because in order to open a YouTube video they keep manually copying the whole url & manually pasting it into a new web browser rather than using the shortcut to open in a new tab or window. A true crime.
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So mad. TOO MANY people backed me to be leader. You don’t need to see the numbers, it’s boring. I’ve got it all on my phone, but it’s broken + the battery’s dead. Anyway, I won’t be standing. Also, I never was. But I did get loads of votes. So, that clears that up. So weird, man.
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Just saw a man in all the work out gear, jogging at quite a pace with a water bottle in his hand. Except, it wasn’t a water bottle. It was a partially drunk 2 pint of milk…BLUE TOP. For the love of all that is holy!.
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Guys, I can finally announce, I left Radio 1 to join Steele’s Pots and Pans Radio as Ian Snail’s co-host #pornoday.
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I have really hurt my back. I couldn’t get out of bed without help. So I made an osteopath appointment, and they asked how it happened. I didn’t know how to say “doing an impression for my brother of Zendaya riding the sandworm”, so summarised to, “I think it just went”.
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No one actually liked PEZ, they just liked the dispenser. If they were in a packet we wouldn’t have given them a drop of saliva. There, I finally said it. That’s a weight off.
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My friend’s daughter just hitched her trousers to just below her armpits and said “I want to wear them like Alice does”. So, there’s that.
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A man at the lido just told me I swim at “a very respectable pace”. What happened after that is all a blur, Your Honour.
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This is going to be so much fun 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Finally on Radio 4 so the parents can hear something I’ve made 🤣🙄.
.@Alicelevine is the next curator of the infinite & imaginary at #TheMuseumOfCuriosity - she joins John Lloyd for a new series on Monday 7 September 6.30pm @BBCRadio4 - @MuseumOfCurios
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Obsessed with films when they say “X you need to get some sleep, you look like SHIT” and they cut to X and it’s Emily Blunt with flawless skin and piercing eyes, BUT her t-shirt is quite baggy.
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Just told an American that we call “sprinkles” “hundreds & thousands”, his eyes opened wide, and then he burst into a plume of smoke, from which a beautiful bird emerged, spreading its wings and flying far into the distance. Which I thought was actually a proportionate response.
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I challenge you to find a freezer drawer that hasn’t been cracked in a moment of impatience and rage. They might even do it in advance at the factory.
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Guy on train; openly sneezing into air, mask round neck. No hand. No tissue. You wouldn’t do that even without a pandemic on!? Now I’m doing that thing where you mentally script a perfect passive aggressive put-down. It’s been about 20 mins since this happened. I need to chill.
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Just said to a neighbour, who was locked out, that I could keep a spare key for them in case it ever happens in the future. It just hung in the air for 6-7 hours until, mercifully, I burst into flames.
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Just emailed myself as a reminder about something. On autopilot, put a kiss on the end. Now I’m stressing out. Too flirty?.
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I call this play “Guy at a bus stop” . Guy: Hello.Me: Hello.Guy: Do you speak English?.Me: Yes.Guy: Are you French?.Me: No.Guy: Why?. Scene.
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We woke up early on holiday & went for a walk whilst everyone else slept, on the way back my bro said .“Let’s change the clocks so mum & dad think it’s 1am”.Then my other bro said .“Yeah, let’s print a fake newspaper so they think it’s 2054!”.They’re 31 & 35. No further comment.
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My dad used to talk about our landline being ex-directory like we were in witness protection.
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I look demonic. But doesn’t that make you want to watch? Christmas Day!.
“I genuinely don’t know what happened in that studio. You walk in, stand behind your bench, smile at Siobhán, give Rose a wave, then black out and it’s six hours later and you’re covered in clay.” – @AliceLevine. #potterythrowdown
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Brand new @dadwroteaporno on Monday! #pornoday is back! Something to do with corporate espionage and shagging, if you wondered where we left off. .
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In “sexy” pop songs when they sing stuff like “guurrrllll, I can’t tell you what I want to do to you tonight”, I just think. try. The gist? A rough outline? Maybe just some key themes?.
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When I go to the hairdressers & they ask “is that temperature okay for you?”, I say yes whether it’s scolding/freezing. Like they might go home later & say “I had THE BEST customer today who didn’t make me change the water setting”. I hate the term “hero”, but, if it fits. .
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Does he have no sense of what’s right and proper? It’s 20:45, I simply have to cook dinner. Be a dear and resign before 9pm.
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People who don’t replace their empty tray at airport security are a distinct personality type.
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Late person law:.If you leave before you’re supposed to arrive, you’re on time. If you said you were going to be late, you can then be as late as you want. If you arrive and you aren’t the last, you are no longer late. I rest my case, Your Honour.
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Just ordered some flowers. Me: I don’t really want loads of leaves and extra green stuff, just the flowers.Florist: Well if you want the boho look you have to think about the recessional dominance of the eucalyptus and other foliage. So not really sure what’s happening now.
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Since this podcast finale started 28 mins ago, Jamie has landed a job reading the CBeebies bedtime story, voiceover of a mortgage ad and he’s now also the sound of self-checkouts #byebelinda @uncleegor.
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This is crazy, I can’t believe what I’m seeing…everyone on Twitter is enjoying the same thing.
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I just want to say as someone who heard of Try Guys for the first time 13 minutes ago, I’m really saddened. Saddened to say how quickly and deeply I swandived into the subreddits.
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Playing frisbee with my dad.Me: Oops, sorry that was a baaad 1st throw.Him: Oh dear, the breeze caught that, sorry.Me: God I was way off with it there.Him: I should have caught that, apologies. Me: Sorry that was very short.Him: Right, shall we sit down for a bit?.Me: Yeah, sorry.
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So @dadwroteaporno series 6 starts tomorrow. I never talk about it, so I thought I would just give it a mention.
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I grew up in a house where pizza was routinely cut with scissors, and I think the rest just tracks from there….
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When I was 10 and didn’t have any keys whatsoever I had roughly 436 key rings. Now I have enough keys to be a caretaker they are all bound together by what I can only assume was once a flimsy paperclip.
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To the woman trying to force, what I can only assume is, a 500ml (a litre??) bottle of TRESemmé into the little plastic bag to get it through security. Your confidence and willpower in the face of adversity is giving me goosebumps.
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Reaching a climax, the only way we know how…sobbing 💔.
We have some news. All bad porn must come to an end. The podcast will be coming to a close with two finale episodes (Mon 28 Nov & Mon 5 Dec) plus a WORLD EXCLUSIVE interview with Mr Rocky Flintstone himself (Mon 12 Dec).
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My friend was singing to her 2.5 year old daughter who just calmly said “Alexa, stop.”.
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You know when you turn up to the airport but you’re 3 months and one day (?!) early? No…me neither…obviously.
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Podcast hosts: stop talking about your friends I don’t know.
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In American tv shows when they go and “wash up” for dinner, is that hands? Faces? Key areas with a flannel?.
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Getting in bed: bliss.Going to bed: harrowing .Lying in: heavenly .Sleeping in: traumatic . A PhD thesis.
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In American films when someone needs to sneak out of their parents’ house, they always set up a decoy in bed. They just happen have a wig in their precise hair colour and exact style lying around. Is that normal? Should I have one in case?.
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Is there an evolutionary reason why the bond between Mums and iPads is so strong?.
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Whenever someone in an interview is asked “what is the best piece of advice you have been given?”, the only thing that ever comes to my mind is when my dad stated very firmly that I must never pay more than 13.3p per dishwasher tablet.
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Wordle 211 2/6. ⬜🟨🟨🟨⬜.🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩. I’d like to thank my parents for always believing in me….
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When did we start calling it a “doggo”? Are we all okay with this?.
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If you’re an identical twin and you’re not learning a synchronised TikTok dance routine, does the guilt weigh heavy?.
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Just VERY enthusiastically reciprocated a wave to someone across a crowded space. But…they weren’t waving at me. In other news I’m moving to a small uninhabited island in the Outer Hebrides and I leave in an hour.
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Having a cough on packed public transport in 2021, understandably, has a similar effect to spontaneously starting to cut your toenails. Which, before I get cancelled, I rarely do anymore, unless I’m really strapped for time.
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Producer: Okay, Debs, so in this scene, it’s simply a case of going in there and telling him who’s boss .Debs: I actually had some ideas for a few tweaks to the script.Producer: Ohhhh lovely, great, yeah make it your own, freestyle it, we love that, whatever feels good….
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Are we all agreeing it’s officially Flying Ant Day ™️©️®️ today? Or is this just the dress rehearsal?.
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At my parents’ .Me: Daad there’s a HUGE spider in the bathroom! Please get rid of it!.Dad: Right. I’ll just…one sec-…oh oops.Me: What?!.Dad: It’s FINE. It’s gone. I dropped it & it ran away.Me: [typing on Rightmove] 3 bedroom house. Mature garden. No asking price for quick sale.
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Real talk: there’s no occasion which truly justifies a bow tie.
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This is an Anna Maxwell Martin fan account until further notice.
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Absence makes the porn grow weirder?.
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Wordle 243 2/6. ⬜🟩⬜🟩🟩.🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩. Is this the headiest legal high?.
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Literally no one:. Paracetamol manufacturers: everyone is bored of the easy to swallow capsules, for the same price we could do some chalky, round hockey pucks as a fun twist?.
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In an cab. Driver: “Let me just turn around because a black cat just went over our path and that’s bad luck” .*does a U-turn*.Presume he takes the day off if he sees a lone magpie.
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The queue for the jab is big. A snake where you don’t realise there are whole other sections to wait in. When we turned a corner to yet more people, one girl burst into tears & was whisked to the front by a sweet security woman, another girl said “shit, should’ve thought of that”.
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You’re as likely to come into contact with someone who has Omnicron, as someone who watched Squid Games.
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When I can’t find 🙄 in my recently used emojis, I think, wow, what a patient, uncynical chapter in my life. Then my eyes are drawn to 😑 near the top - equilibrium restored.
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Jamie is just looking for attention. He’s showing off in front of his mates. Ignore him until he calms down #pornoday.
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A family of four each just opened a bag Cheese & Onion crisps in tandem on a busy 25c train. Bold.
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There’s a mosquito in my room. And it’s OBSESSED with me. It’s kind of embarrassing.
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Can’t sleep!! @dadwroteaporno series 4 finale tomorrow - save the ep wherever you are in the world and we’ll all press play together at 8pm GMT for the listening party. WHO the HELL IS the SPECIAL one? (arbitrary capitalisation) 🥘🍳.
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Does everyone know how to reverse image search but me? When did you all learn? Why didn’t you tell me? Why was I sitting at home searching with words like a chump?.
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