I got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" five times in a row. Apparently, I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts. #dadjokes #karaoke

I can't wait to celebrate Gulf of America Day next year and every year after that by buying new mattresses and cars.

Last night 100k people on live TV shouted out the punchline to a joke/dis "A minor". It's a good line. But my favorite musical chord joke remains: What is God's favorite guitar chord? G-sus

The key ingredient in oatmeal raisin cookies is disappointment

Tribalism is Dumb

RT @reason: Why do Democrats and Republicans behave like this in every confirmation hearing ever?

Just realized that this super bowl will be Super Bowl LIX (pronounced licks)

RT @LloydLegalist:

RT @acedtect: This is misleading. The law only forces app stores and web hosts to stop distributing them. They could leave the service runn…

Maybe we can rename the oceans as such: Pacific Ocean -> West American Ocean Atlantic Ocean -> East American Ocean Arctic Ocean -> North American Ocean Indian Ocean -> Native American Ocean

@npchumor is the title of this series "The Trim Reaper"?

RT @JustinRYoung: Remember when @cspan was awesome during the speaker fight last year? They’re back tomorrow for the vote. Setting up now.…

RT @bobsmileycomic: Time to get back to work! 😜 #averageboybooks #stealthenaughtylist #standup #bobsmiley

My wife texted me this morning and said, “Your great”. I replied, “No, you’re great”. She’s been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often. #grammarjokes #dadjokes

Just saw this poster for "It's a Wonderful Life" as an MMA fight where Mary throws a flying knee to George Bailey's face knocking him out and triggering his dream sequence in which he reevaluates his life

Learn to code EPICly

@ThePrimeagen the wisdom of the ages

Tough choice between the cranberry sauce and the FED

A thing said by me in my house today: "I got my socks stuck in the chandelier."

My favorite holiday game: What famous actor does that Hallmark Channel Christmas movie actor look like?