The Fence Magazine
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🐺ISSUE 21🐺
Features from
@milesellingham
and
@Coramazov
,
@Narcomania
,
@fabratton
& John Banville.
Facts from
@ellafox_m
,
@clive_mart1n
,
@_F_B_G_
,
@claudcockerell
,
@TheJakeWarren
,
@bennylauren
,
@rosielanners
& Orlando Whitfield.
Fiction from
@LucasOakeley
.
Funnies from us.
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If you had to nominate one place in the UK as a probable Hellsmouth/portal to Hades, where would it be? My vote is for M&M World, Leicester Square.
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We asked, you answered.
As London reopens, we present a non-exhaustive list of the capital’s most mediocre drinkeries — this is your Europa League of pubs.
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MEDIAWORLD 'IN CHOC' AT SUNDAY TIMES COCOA THIEF
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Who says the anti-PC crowd aren't funny? Well, everyone basically, and rightly so. But we wanted to put it to the test with cold hard mathematics, with our patented Anti-PC Comedy Matrix
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Knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time to talk to Americans on September 12, 2001, what would you warn them about?
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NUCLEAR LEVEL MAR-A-LAGO LEAK
Photos - previously unpublished - of Donald Trump dancing to a a Village People tribute act in his Florida home
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Here’s a very important detail about Pen Farthing’s ‘Operation Ark’ that should be widely reported.
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Before she became an MP, Kemi Badenoch worked as digital director at the Spectator from 2015-16. She did not endear herself to her colleagues.
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If you work in the publishing industry, and you’ve had dealings with David Walliams, then we would love to hear from you — drop us a line at editorial
@the
-fence.com
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‘Man hands on misery to man/
It deepens like a coastal shelf/
Get out as early as you can/
And don’t have any kids yourself.’
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Here’s our explainer on why the New York Times ‘hates’ Britain
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Looking for a table in central London this evening? We’ve got you covered.
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'However, there is not simply one Evgeny. Instead there is an overlapping sequence of Evgenies (Evgenii), each one straining to envelop the rest.'
@milesellingham
and
@Coramazov
profile the curious Lord Lebedev.
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Eng. Lit Canon and their current views on Brexit.
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We've had wild swimming, leaving London, and taking a break from Twitter – what do you think will be the next smash-hit for passé media bollocks this year?
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Issue 8 Cover Reveal
Featuring our definitive list of the minds that will shape the 21st century and beyond 🌎
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It's back, baby. We're relaunching the grandest prize in architecture. Share your bad buildings here, or to the email below.
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‘Back in the day of the York Minster, you could be barred for being boring, but never for being drunk.’
@CharlotteIvers
steps back into seventies Soho, trying to live — and drink — like the Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker.
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From the latest issue, here's our tribute to the British commentariat: we will, quite genuinely, be shocked if anyone scores full marks on this...
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In the end it was Danny Boyle wot won it — but which other directors could have given us a London 2012 to remember?
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Earlier this week, one of our editors saw dentally-gifted national treasure Rylan buying a hammer in Islington. For our next issue, we'd like to know your most memorable, moreish and mundane CELEBRITY ENCOUNTERS.
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We asked readers their worst school trips and got 400+ tales of sleet, snow, spiteful kids and sewage treatment works. Lots and lots of sewage treatment works. Strap yourself into the minibus and enjoy this survey of THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES
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It's three years this week since the UK's first COVID lockdown started winding down. Some govt boffins now claim it had little effect on the nation's mental health but we don't agree. So, for our next issue we'd like to know WHAT WAS THE MOST INSANE THING YOU DID DURING LOCKDOWN?
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When we found out that you could search the LRB archive for individual words, we had an idea:
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LONDONERS. The sun is shining, work hours are shortening - now should be the time of pints, but the standard £5+ price tag leaves a bitter taste.
SO, can a scrimping sot find a good deal in Zone 1/2? We want you to tell us every penny pinching pint on offer in Central London.
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The novelist, Sir Kingsley Amis, memorably described Arnold Schwarzenegger's THE TERMINATOR as 'a flawless masterpiece'. Do you know of any other highbrow fans of 'lowbrow' art?
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The worst pitches that journalists have ever sent.
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Beautiful Christmas lights in Highgate — funded by the estate of the late George Michael
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For our next issue, we want to know the worst hangover you have ever had. We want your broken brains and burned bridges, your disastrous dates and sackable negligence. We want every last one of your worst mornings after the night before.
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'I regret to inform you that the Daily Mail is correct and the luvvieish London media world does, in fact, exist. These people work at Channel 4, the Beeb, the Observer, etc. and they look after their own.'
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In which we ask a bevy of Nobel Prize-winners how much they do or don’t know about their jobs, life - and everything else besides.
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Such a great magazine. Highly, highly recommended.
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For over a year,
@tswyatt
has been interviewing the victims of a convicted fraudster, Martin Sargeant who swindled £5 million from the Diocese of London.
Sargeant then made a host of lurid allegations, which have had fatal consequences.
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@MarinaHyde
If you look through Epstein’s black book you will see he had extensive and detailed contacts - mobile numbers and email addresses - for all of Andrew’s closest friends. So this statement is total bullshit.
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My runners up were somewhere amid the never ending roadworks outside Liverpool Lime Street, Ashford International station and Bicester Retail Village.
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‘Dear Dipshit,’ another email to Elledge began, ‘you just have no concept of what a clueless dumb fuck you are. Which makes you an insanely clueless dumb fuck.’
@JoshMcloughlin
spoke to the world's angriest academic.
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QUESTION OF THE DAY: Whatever became of the best footballer in your school? Because every player, in every team, in every division, had to be - at some point - the best footballer in their school.
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Our editor-at-large,
@_F_B_G_
, needed a present for his girlfriend, so he did what all loving partners would do: he tried to buy her an actual living, breathing goblin from a dealer in Zimbabwe.
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Whether pinned to a veteran’s chest, or controversially rescued from an Afghan rescue centre, two objects offer invaluable insight into the British hive mind. But who likes what and how much do they?
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@MagnificoCleary
@Rylan
Incorrect. This is a picture of television and radio presenter, Rylan Clark.
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We trawled through the LRB archive to see what they like to write about
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We had fun asking
@anniemacmanus
@richardosman
@hughlaurie
@MarinaHyde
@caitlinmoran
@Aiannucci
@RoryStewartUK
@jackieweaver
@sapinker
@arobertwebb
, the estate of TS Eliot, Mr Motivator, Buckingham Palace and Bicep (among others) some stupid questions.
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Facing repercussions for our actions over on Instagram.
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For Issue 13, we asked the world's leading historians what they think is the single greatest fact in modern political history in 2022.
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WORLD EXCLUSIVE: we asked our favourite hacks to tell us about the pitch so excruciating they still lose sleep thinking about it.
Here, in appalling, nightmarish detail, are their responses.
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'This day by the grace of God it is six years that I have not read Mail Online, and I was never so happy as I am now. Up, betimes, and by tube to Westminster, greatly vexed that none had liked my tweet while I slept'.
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Our last issue contained the brilliant “A Night on the Toon” by the legendary
@DHBJones
, a feature which, if anything, has only got more relevant. Eddie Howe might prefer to stick to football, but we don’t!
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AND OUR WINNER IS...
ISG's 2019 redevelopment of Lime Street in Liverpool. To summarise the assessment of our jury chair, 'greed has rarely looked so greedy.'
Here it is in all its hideous vainglory.
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This story about Ricky Gervais, in which he spells out his surname letter-by-letter to get served at a bar... a 1000x funnier than anything he said last night!
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The sun is high and it feels like everyone but you is on holiday. To dampen their enjoyment, and make those of us sweating at home feel better, we're asking for tales of your most hated holidays. Your vilest vacations. Your hotels and hostelries most horrid.
Give us your worst.
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It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Griftmas
In tomorrow’s mail-out, we’ve got a special dispatch from Russ-in-Cheshire’s Christmas party in a Kentish Town pub. Sign up here to read it.
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The suspect has described the story as 'a confection'.
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With the Tories intent on squatting in Downing St for the foreseeable, we'd like to know your worst experiences of people outstaying their welcome. Roomies, co-habitants, overstaying exes and unwelcome guests, we want to hear every last one of your HOUSEMATE HORROR STORIES.
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New year, new career! Millions of Brits have sought a new job in the past six weeks, so please reply with your tales of interview disasters, on the spot sackings and job-seeking setbacks. CVs, smart shoes and P45s. Give us your workplace woes and wonders.
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Here’s Tom Hiddleston’s entry from our guide to London’s 20 Rudest People
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The Fence
#10
drops in a couple of weeks, and for this issue's Fencepost we asked you to tell us the best, worst and most bizarre lies your parents ever told you. Please enjoy this premier pic n' mix of parental perjury.
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'No one is going to read your book. Not your friends, not your family, not your agent, not your publicist, not your reviewers: no one is going to read your book.'
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'I meekly protested, knowing full well that trying to herd 11 people in various stages of inebriation around a five-leg trip of King’s Cross was an utterly pointless exercise.'
@jimmymacmusic
's latest column is here
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Our pints correspondent,
@jimmymacmusic
is live on the ground in Poundbury for the Coronation celebrations — the atmosphere is ecstatic
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WE HAVE A WINNER 🏆
After a long, passionate adjudication lunch, our panel of experts settled on the shortlist – and the winner – of the 2024 Carbuncle Cup.
Follow the thread below to find out, or if you're pressed for time, click the link here:
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As temperatures plumb to frigid depths here at Fence Towers, you find us prepping our Winter issue.
This time out, we'd like to hear your most depressing, alarming, and cheerless Christmas stories. Tell us your tales of tinsel torment, your bleakest of bleak midwinters.
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📢CALL FOR PITCHES
We’re putting together our 8th issue of facts, features, fiction and the rest. Send us your industry exposés, jokes, parodies and cultural putdowns. We want to hear the pitch that’s so weird no one else will take it.
All contributions paid: info
@the
-fence.com
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It gives us great pleasure to announce that the most popular thing we've ever published is a list of mediocre pubs.
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'Thomas Hardy: lies, lies, misery, lies, suicide, rape, and corn prices.'
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'Marcel Proust: The only straight person in Paris has a series of very long lunches.'
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‘There is no way to discuss Boris Johnson’s abysmal performance as Prime Minister without addressing his abysmal failures as a human being.’
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'Girls used to diagnose themselves with cancerous tumours or bipolar disorders. I think back fondly, somewhat enviously, of their unrestrained audacity. One girl killed off a grandparent.'
@sarahsjahan
goes back to school.
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Over the course of a three-month investigation,
@PhrancisMartin
spoke to ten former members of staff and several ex-students about their experiences at Brampton Manor. His full report is available to read here.
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'He drove out of the school gates, a school he’d been to as a boy and had then taught at for some 50 years, and was found that evening by the school chaplain. Mr Rainy Brown was always good with knots.'
@PaddyGalbraith
remembers a singular teacher.
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Stone cold Peter Hitchens classic in this week’s Eye.
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For next issue's Fencepost, we're asking readers:
What’s the best, worst or most devious lie your parents ever told you?
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A source has sent us a photo from this year's Winchester College magazine.
Rishi Sunak is no longer named on the list, but there is an extra entry in 'anonymous'. Who could that possibly be?
Exclusive:
Rishi Sunak has donated over £100,000 to Winchester College
Donations to the school where he was head boy have continued in his role as as Chancellor
Donations mean he is in the “Wykeham Benefactors” club
Latest Winchester College magazine:
More/
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'‘Does he have medication?’ my seatmates kept asking, with passive-aggressive concern. ‘Yes!’ I would sob. ‘I have drugged him! But he is too powerful!’
Here is
@scriblerian
's wonderfully funny piece about travelling across continents with her cat.
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Feature writers: we're commissioning for Issue 22, and we're looking for some new blood in our Facts and Features slots.
Have you got a stone-cold killer of a pitch in your back pocket? Send it to editorial
@the
-fence.com, and let's get you in the issue.
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Review copies of Shit Literary Siblings are landing on doormats today!
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Do you know who the Augustus Gloop of News Corp is? Our DMs are open.
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