Fitz
@goodguyfitz
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hi guys. i want to come out and say that i made a lot of racial, sexual, and insensitive jokes in my past. it’s something I’m proud of, i still think a majority of them are funny, and i genuinely couldn’t give less of a fuck if anyone finds them offensive
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[getting robbed]
me: [doin finger guns] ay help yourself
robber: [doin real guns] shut the fuck up
me: right
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terrorists wear masks to work EVERY DAY. are you less considerate than a terrorist?
somethin to think about.
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i hope we live in a world someday where no one can say anything at all 💜💫❄️
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just turned 23 and i still dont know if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about
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wake up. 6am. hard as rock. ready to fuck the day. breakfast. 500ml of MCT oil. wash it down with a raw egg. yeah. i do keto. next thing ya know i’m out the door. doin lunges. throw my kettlebell at a Honda Civic. i’m facing 3 years in prison. my point? harden up. get after it.
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just absolutely DESTROYED my own mother in an argument 💀
she was bringing up some valid points so i called her sweetie 🦋, showed her a kpop fancam ✨, and long story short i need a new place to stay does anyone have a spare room?
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me: you know joe right?
son: who's joe?
me: joe mother and i are getting a divorce
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[at police station]
me: hi i'm here to get my vibes checked
officer: you're here because you sucker punched a kid on the McDonalds playground
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a lotta people who glance at my content don’t realise that i’m actually mad progressive and loving.
i’m just fuckin around and tryna make jokes. you can stay pressed if you like but i’m probably already on your side.
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Yes! I use an android... But just because I'm broke doesn't mean I'm not human. All these rich, successful people keep bullying me for making less money than them. I'm tired of the hate. I may not have an iPhone but I do have a heart!
Stop the discrimination.
Androids rise up.
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if ur pee ain't 100% clear then stay the fuck outta my lane
ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵗʷᵉᵉᵗ ʷᵃˢ ᵇʳᵒᵘᵍʰᵗ ᵗᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ᵇʸ ᵗʰᵉ ʰʸᵈʳᵃᵗᵉᵈ ᵍᵃⁿᵍ
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crack addict: spare some change?
me: ok you’re not going to spend it all on crack tho are you?
crack addict: [doin finger guns] ahhhh
me: [also doin finger guns] ahhhhh
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can’t believe it took me a whole year to recover from novid-19
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lately i haven’t felt like sharing shit with the world. i’m doing good though. i’m growing a lot.
might fuck around and do something worthwhile.
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[in confessional booth]
me: forgiv-
priest: i touch kids
me: hey me first :(
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*picking up a girl at the bar*
me: ok you're actually kinda heavy
her: yeah that's not how this works
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wasn't sure if Felix and Marzia were serious until I saw them playing minecraft together...
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some people raise their kids...
other people raise the mf ROOF can i get a hell yes?
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thank you for always holding me accountable Twitter ❤️ it is genuinely so funny
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sorry ladies, i’m taken
taken aback by the amount of bullshit on your timeline
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told my therapist i was sad and she prescribed me with more likes on Twitter
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yeah, I'm a gamer...
Guys please help I left my 5 year old son alone at disney world and I cannot find him oh god karen is gonna kill me
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just found out having sex is affiliated with the f-word (yikes!) currently trying to cut back
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everyone's suprised about the new little mermaid being African American but Microsoft Word literally called it
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Just made my 6 year old cousin cry by telling him Moto Moto doesn't like him.
Welcome to the real world kid.
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had a really long and shitty day of travel but then I played peekaboo with a baby on the plane and now everything is ok :)
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being young and famous is wild
everyone thinks they know you, and you’re still getting to know yourself
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lookin for someone that loves me as much as my 2nd monitor loves discord.
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i love my grandpa
he’s got like 3 dialogue options but he’s the best character in the game
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dear diary: today, i finally did it. i stood up to my school bully, jaquan. I was pretty scared, but I stood my ground and called him out on his "bullcrap" (sorry mum). i wish i took a picture of his stupid cunt face when i told him he's a fucking piece of shit degenerate. the b-
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teacher: who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
me: [pointing] it was fucking janice. i saw her after class and she took the cookie from the fucking jar. i fuxking hate janice so much. i was gonna eat that fuckign cookie. i was saving it you bitch.
preschoolers: 😮
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wife: [crying] please! just come home! i'm sorry i said you overreact to everything...
me: [arms crossed inside cardboard fortress in backyard] no!
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me: finally becoming more extroverted and outgoing
2020: ok so you’re gonna laugh...
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leave an amazon review for your life rn under this tweet i’m tryna see which one of you i should purchase
here’s mine:
⭐️ fuckin yikes
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“the doctor will see you now”
John Cena: ha, i seriously doubt that
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mom: [driving home from church] so, what did you learn today?
me: ...jesus is lit?
mom: you bet ur fuckin ass he is kiddo [blasts christian rock]
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i am an influencer 🙋♂️ pay attention to me 👀 consume my merchandise 💰 support me 🥰 i care about each and every one of y- no... i LOVE each and every one of you ♥️ i am so grateful 🙏 please like my post 👍 i am perfect 😇 i am important 😡 swipe up!
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Merry Christmas from the future 🧡
I don’t have anything funny to say, I’ve just been having a really wholesome time with my family. I really needed this. I hope you all enjoy what’s important to you this year.
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me: you're the perry to my platypus
girl: you're the doofen to my shmirtz
uber driver: you're both just the fuckin worst
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pretty stoked to be feeling this good about posting a video.
feels just like it used to.
like from way back.
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me: amazon prime is optimus prime's younger brother and honestly he's WAY more useful like holy shit
therapist: [furiously writing notes] go on...
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like if u know this song
"lucky there's a family guy..."
guys hit the "like" button
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getting a good night's sleep is the whip and nae nae of the modern man
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you’re approaching midnight. anticipation for the new year overwhelms the zoom call.
“5... 4... 3... 2... 1!”
everyone cheers. you close your eyes. it’s an incredible feeling, almost dreamlike.
through misty eyes, you check the clock.
01/01/2020
here we go again.
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Horton hears his creator was a lil racist, and decides to distance himself from the Seuss franchise immediately.
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time flies!
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Trying to keep up with uploads on the main channel has taken its toll, going to take a few years off. Thanks for your understanding. 😔
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my frown is literally upside down rn
shit doesn’t even look natural
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i’m smiling so hard reading your comments :) thank you for believing in me ❤️
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me: [doing the stanky leg] it's really quite simple once you get the hang of it!
my high school crush: cameron, fuck off.
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me: [frowning] it says here you have no experi-
baby: no experience yeah honestly fuck you
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me: [praying]
god: no no just pretend i’m not even here... shit’s hilarious
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this tweet reminds me of the war
it started out with a draft, it’s not very funny, and no ones gonna like it.
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me: i... i dunno i just feel this deep connection to you... like we were destined to end up together, ya know?
runescape gf: [headbang emote]
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