Cracked.com
@cracked
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The internet's only comedy site, since 1958.
Cracked.com
Joined January 2008
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無課金おじさん
• 326003 Tweets
Be Mine
• 219754 Tweets
バニーの日
• 115448 Tweets
日経平均
• 43932 Tweets
Shanik
• 43875 Tweets
ユアネクスト
• 40404 Tweets
ヒロアカ
• 37420 Tweets
僕のヒーローアカデミア
• 36708 Tweets
赤の救助隊
• 34850 Tweets
NISA
• 28532 Tweets
ダンジョンの中のひと
• 24042 Tweets
パンツの日
• 23443 Tweets
#يوم_الجمعه
• 18251 Tweets
八村離脱
• 17389 Tweets
長岡花火
• 16885 Tweets
雇用統計
• 15357 Tweets
Hayırlı Cumalar
• 15270 Tweets
ポケダン
• 14785 Tweets
PRABOWOtahu YangTERBAIK
• 13248 Tweets
YESkeren BANGETkerjanya
• 12685 Tweets
#viento
• 11576 Tweets
ダイエットボイス
• 11573 Tweets
Pinned Tweet
It’s the 10th anniversary of ‘Drunk History’
@bvanhooker
talked to
@derekwaterss
,
@Jeremykonner
,
@JasonRitter
,
@MrTonyHale
,
@pattonoswalt
,
@pagetpaget
,
@JoeLoTruglio
, Michael Cera, Colin Hanks, Jesse Plemons and more to get an oral history of the show
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"Tomi Lahren said something or sued someone."
Cool interesting but here's this picture of a frog riding a beetle like a little cowboy.
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Trump: “We should just cancel the election and just give it to Trump, right? What are we even having it for?"
BC WE'RE A DEMOCRACY ASDJFLK
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So glad Gore and Trump could find some middle ground between "global warming is real" and "it's a Chinese hoax designed to destroy America."
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#debatenight
Roommate: "Did you eat the-"
Me: "Wrong."
Roommate: "But there was a plate of-"
Me: "Wrong."
Roommate: "Look if-"
Me: "Wrong."
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You've said Death is nature's way of saying "your table's ready." We wish we could've waited with you a bit longer.
http://t.co/PshIfWszN7
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Brb, becoming an alcoholic to help Michelob ULTRA save farming instead of trying literally any other more reasonable plan.
#SuperBowl
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In Charlotte’s Web why didn’t Charlotte just write “WE ARE SENTIENT AND AWARE OH GOD SPARE US.”
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I'm not trying to be a troublemaker here, but I'm just saying it might be kinda fun to start a rumor that eating rich people cures illness.
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"You don't have the stamina," he says to the woman who smiled while standing a few feet away from a torrent of yelling and foamy spittle.
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Hey, Jason Chaffetz, read this: 4 Things Politicians Will Never Understand About Poor People -->
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This is what the electoral map would look like if only baby mice had voted:
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Hey America, Don't Panic: Why it's time to sober up, splash water on your face & consider some facts:
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In this ‘In Living Color’ blooper, Jim Carrey decided to go off-script to share his true feelings.
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Really waiting for a voiceover to go "you're not yourself when you're hungry," then America eats a Snickers and goes back to normal.
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Guys I'm having suspicions that Trump's administration might not be completely honest.
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I mean, no offense Doctor Who, but is it really *realistic* for an immortal alien who time travels in a box and fights robots to be a woman?
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Trump: "$4 billion is way too much for Air Force One!"
Boeing: "But it's only $170 million?"
Trump: "Hah see!? I am a great negotiator!"
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McCain: "We certainly don't want any president to leak classified information but the president does have the right to do that."
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"No one's hits like Putin, matches wits like Putin, in a spitting match nobody spits like Putin!"
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Guys, chill. You just crashed the Canadian immigration website. There are plenty of other countries to immigrate to.
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Trump: "I keep hearing shuffling in the vents. It's Biden, I know it."
Melania (from the other room): "Go back to bed."
Biden: *shuffles*
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Guys try to be more subtle with your parodies.
*Sees blue tick mark*
Oh.
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Trump tweeted a fake claim that millions of people voted illegally. Now he's yelling at journalists to prove people -didn't- vote illegally.
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The Hamburglar wears a striped prisoner’s outfit before he’s even caught. Think about that. Think of the crippling self doubt.
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I'd tease Bush for looking like a sad bride, but we are all sad brides today :(
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*Cracks knuckles* Hmm let's see what's on the ol' news feed today. Haha. Hahahaha *liberally pours gasoline on computer* hahahaha
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Pepsi: "Oh man we just made the worst marketing mistake."
United: "Hold my beer."
Spicer: "No, hold MY beer."
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Sadly, real-life superhero Lenny Robinson passed away today. His inspiring true story:
http://t.co/HoqvBTlHRY
http://t.co/ItS5n9gPpZ
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Comedian
@StacyCaySlays
risks more by stepping onstage than any of the transphobic losers whining about "cancel culture."
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"I don't have time to protest because I have a job." – Real quote from someone attending the inauguration during working hours.
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Bernie Mac dispensed plenty of parenting advice on ‘The Bernie Mac Show.’
With Father’s Day approaching,
@bvanhooker
talked to
@kellitasmith1
,
@camilleswinbush
, and
@deeskiialmighty
about how the fictional dad’s TV antics translated to real-life wisdom
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Mel Brooks is amazing! The 23 Most Crushing Insults from All of History -
http://t.co/pXrCu7GWkO
http://t.co/tcwVjudQey
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"Thank you Lester, but before I answer your question, let me not answer your question."
#debatenight
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Though John Roberts brought Linda Belcher to TV, he credits his mother for inspiring the character.
@bvanhooker
talked to the actor about voicing the loudmouthed, fiercely loyal wife and mother for
@BobsBurgersFOX
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"Ellen, honey, we've talked about this."
"SKREEEEEEEEEE"
"Honey people need to use the stairs."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
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Dear White Friends: Stop Saying Everything Is Going To Be Ok -
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Eric Trump says Dems aren’t people, which is a weird thing to say for a man who is made entirely of mechanically separated chicken.
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Reporter: "Do you have ties with Russia?"
Flynn: "No."
R: "Do you wear boxers or briefs?"
F: "Boxers."
R: "And Putin?"
F: "Briefs.. oh shi-"
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Terry Crews Is A Talented Painter: 5 Famous People & Their Wacky Hobbies You Never Knew About -
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FYI the 1st page results for Google images “desk ornament” includes:
• 3 Swastikas
• Bust of Hitler
• Weasel
• 2 Nazi eagles
• "Top banana"
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I think it's weird that we're all okay with how Sally Yates literally murdered and disemboweled Ted Cruz on live television.
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Trump: Ever seen these things?
Trudeau: ...
Trump: I named it Tiffany which is what I'd call my other daughter if I had one.
Trudeau: ...
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"What's this dam doing here?"
"To keep it from flooding."
"I don't see any flooding. Get rid of it."
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Everyone who was capable, but "too busy" to vote in this election: I hope you had fun! Enjoy the next 4-8 years.
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People are misunderstanding the
#HeterosexualPrideDay
hashtag. It’s a warning that heteronormative lions are loose in the OH GOD MY ARM
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Guys I've reviewed his Civil War comments and I think Trump... wait let me check my notes... yes, ok, I think Trump might be an asshole.
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Why Do People Act Like Sexism/Racism Are Rampant, When Even Mild Jokes About Those Things Will Ruin Your Career Now?
http://t.co/Yrb7AXeF6w
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Meals on Wheels Pros:
• Feeds seniors
• Gives them human comfort
• Rhymes
Cons:
• Does nothing to make Trump's weenie feel huge.
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ProTip for never losing your keys: Don’t have keys. Don’t drive. Don’t go outside. Entropy lurks beyond that door.
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Hi dog, I get it, you’re afraid of fireworks. We all have fears. Mine is my own mortality. But you don’t see me pooping on the recliner.
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After the release of Rogue One, House democrats are doing everything they can to keep Trump from learning what a Death Star is.
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- Did not cite reference
- "the the Trump"
- Space before period
- Failed to use "SAD."
Grade: B-, see me after the election.
Major story that the Dems are making up phony polls in order to suppress the the Trump . We are going to WIN!
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*Opens Twitter*
"...must be consequences - perhaps loss of citizenship"
*Closes Twitter*
*Closes laptop*
*Closes door*
*Gasoline on door*
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The Rose Galaxies: 11 Amazing Deep Space Photos You Won't Believe -
http://t.co/CgFIk5FSmw
|
http://t.co/SSZ1UblSiv
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“Uhm, you don’t look like a Bishop.”
“GOD SAYS TO LEAVE SAUSAGES ON THE FLOOR PUT THEM RIGHT ON THE GROUND.”
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📺In our new show, Staff Picks,
@patrickhwillems
,
@danielleradford
, and friends curate the best video store ever. Every week, they’ll each pick a movie and then unanimously decide which one earns a spot on the shelves 📼⚡️
Watch the first episode here →
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Late night French toast recipe:
- Beat eggs
- Ignore the pale figure in the corner
- Bread
- Ignore the pale figure in the corner
- Cinnamon
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Well maybe Trump will be gracious and presidential about officially winning the hahahahahaha brb going to dry heave into a pillow.
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Conservative Media Is Helping Spread The Virus, According To Science
-->
The most clear-cut result of one of the studies heaps the blame primarily on the shoulders of Fox News' Sean Hannity.
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“The x-ray shows your bunny ate a plastic lego hat.”
“Hah, so you have to pull a hat out of a rabb-”
“We’re going to have to put it down.”
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"This sculptor's resume is written in goat's blood. Can we really trust him with the children's playground sculpture?"
"You worry too much."
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